Are some people naturally happier single?

[Art_Critic]

Define happy...

 

When I was single I was happier in terms of being able to do things on my own, make my own decisions and having no care in the world.. my hobbies were all mine and so was my time...

 

Married with a kid.. I happier in areas I never knew existed when I was single.. such as raising a son and having him in my life and happier being coupled with a really good decent woman who I'm spending the rest of my life with...

 

I don't think the happiness of being single compares to the happiness of being married with kid and vise versa.

 

Being married isn't all good times and happiness either.. there are hard times as well but at least I have someone to be with and wants to be with me...

[Shanex]

I am generally happier with someone I like, or love. Sure. But is it worth all the dramas past the breakup? I wonder. I have been in relationships with girls many years back I should have never dated 'cause we had little to nothing in common.

 

Improving? I don't know. I take it as an experience and even negative experiences can have benefits to not do the same mistakes over and over again.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I can absolutely relate to this... And I have a boyfriend.

 

I too need a lot of alone time and really enjoyed living by myself. My Motivation for dating in the past was to ward off the loneliness. After I got a dog I realized I would never be lonely again.

[No_Go]

This is an interesting question.

 

After ending my LTR, I've been single and happier than ever. I felt like a huge burden came off my shoulders, I can go on 'dates' with myself that I actually like and do things that I enjoy, instead of trying to please a partner. Even my libido went up significantly.

 

I wonder does it mean that I'm happier single or I've just stayed in wrong relationships. Now, it is probably a bit of both. What I can say for sure that if I have to make a choice and stay single forever, I'll be very happy.

 

The caveat: after the first 6 months of single bliss, I start falling for people like never before First it was an OLD guy, then a coworker. In under 6 months! Usually my love interests would appear once in a blue moon so this came as a shock to me. I wonder is it something with my body chemistry trying to 'force' me into mating scenarios, more biological than intentional??

 

But besides that hiccup, I still think my single time has been way more productive, joyful and happy that dating time or relationship time.

 

Most of us strive to find "love" and associate singlehood with loneliness that has to be cured rather sooner than later. It seems like a lot of people enjoy being single for a while yet still feel that overwhelming longing, like there's a bit of a puzzle that's missing in them. They date, they hope, they take breaks and then restart, until they end up finding someone.

 

I've realized I don't feel that longing. I don't miss having a partner. While other's feel like they're not whole without a significant other, I've never been so alive and so true to myself. I don't miss closeness, I don't miss sex. I'm happy everyday, about the smallest of things. It's fun to go on dates sometimes, I enjoy grabbing a coffee with someone and chat, but I can't imagine taking it any further. Dating has become a social excersize to me, to maintain my people skills.

 

I'm 28 and haven't lived through years of marriage or continuous relationships (my longest one lasted 4 years), but I'm coming to a conclusion that maybe I don't have to.

 

Does anyone feel the same, that they're happier single and there's nothing they miss? Maybe someone's older, single and doesn't regret it? (Or am I slowly becoming a commitment-phoebe?)

[No_Go]

If I dated right now, it would only because of the attention/validation I'd get from someone being interested in me, and that's not at all the right reason to date.

I've had so far 5-6 years of dating (started at 27, now I'm 33) and I swear the 5 years before this one I did it exactly for the attention/validation/peer pressure. Now becoming more mature I drastically dialed down on peer pressure etc - and my dates, albeit rare (1-2 first dates per year) and infinitely more satisfactory! I'd never want to go back to the attention/validation mode.

 

I'm never lonely.

Yup. Hard to explain this to the 'relationshipy' type of people.

 

(I also have a lot of friends and even though I rarely see them in person, we stay in touch a lot via social media, texting, etc.).

+1 here too. I *prefer* written communication with friends strongly over in-person one when it comes to 'maintenance' of the friendship. The whole idea of friendly 'gangs' and parties and group outings is so not my thing, it makes me nauseous. I can do it but I don't get any joy out of it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I hear you Lorenza. It often feels that way when one is discouraged. Everything is a risk, but we know that relationships also succeed every day! Relationships, contrary to some, are supposed to be hard work. For now, take a break, but don't close your heart to finding or allowing someone in.

 

This is very true, and pretty much sums up why I'm happy to be single for now!

[hotpotato]

If you want to be single, that's fine.

 

I'm 30, and I very much enjoy being single. I have been single most of my adult life. I can go a year or two without going on a date.

 

For me being single begets being single. I love being myself.

 

I don't enjoy the games and instability of dating. It's not for everyone. My dog is my ride or die much more than any potential mate.

 

Imo when certain people dont get married early, there's a good chance they will never mate for life. Dealing with ups and downs get old. Frankly, I think my biggest mistake in dating was not marrying a high school or college sweetheart, not that I had one lol. Being single is easy if you have your own money, lots of interests and goals, and introverted.

 

Now I've gotten used to being alone solo trips, going out to eat by myself. I got too used to dating myself.

[Cookiesandough]

^^^preach^^^

[amaysngrace]

I say I'm happy now being single but I still have a couple kids at home plus two dogs. I'd have to have an empty nest to really say that for sure.

 

I'm wondering if anybody who says they enjoy being single are on their own, live with a roommate or even with their parents because I'd think it'd be much harder to be completely all alone.

[No_Go]

 

I'm wondering if anybody who says they enjoy being single are on their own, live with a roommate or even with their parents because I'd think it'd be much harder to be completely all alone.

 

I'm living on my own. No roommates, no family (on the continent), I'm not too much into inviting friends frequently either. I have a pet if this counts. And I'm blissfully happy in my house, before I was living with roommates then partners and I never felt at home like I do now.

[amaysngrace]

I'm living on my own. No roommates, no family (on the continent), I'm not too much into inviting friends frequently either. I have a pet if this counts. And I'm blissfully happy in my house, before I was living with roommates then partners and I never felt at home like I do now.

 

That's awesome then! I sometimes imagine how it will be when the kids are gone and it's just me in the house but it's hard to say how I'll feel because I don't live it yet, you know?

[igotoverit]

Yes. I haven't read throughout the post, just the question in the thread and yes. Some people really are meant to be alone. Relationships and dating is not for everyone. I am 35 and have never dated. My relationships happened very naturally and I've never looked for a relationship. When I'm in one, I'm terrible. I am happier single.

I also went through some hard times which made me th is way. We don't all start off th is way but it's what life builds us and shapes us to be. You can't change it either...

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think the happiness of being single compares to the happiness of being married with kid and vise versa.

 

Agreed. And OP, if you haven't been in this type of relationship, how do you know you're "happier than..." ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Springsummer]

I'm living on my own. No roommates, no family (on the continent), I'm not too much into inviting friends frequently either. I have a pet if this counts. And I'm blissfully happy in my house, before I was living with roommates then partners and I never felt at home like I do now.

 

um.........I have been wondering if I could live completely alone in a house with a few rooms (houses don't come with 1-2 rooms with a yard...houses seem to be built family-oriented) all by myself (now with parents)

[Springsummer]

If you want to be single, that's fine.

 

I'm 30, and I very much enjoy being single. I have been single most of my adult life. I can go a year or two without going on a date.

 

For me being single begets being single. I love being myself.

 

I don't enjoy the games and instability of dating. It's not for everyone. My dog is my ride or die much more than any potential mate.

 

Imo when certain people dont get married early, there's a good chance they will never mate for life. Dealing with ups and downs get old. Frankly, I think my biggest mistake in dating was not marrying a high school or college sweetheart, not that I had one lol. Being single is easy if you have your own money, lots of interests and goals, and introverted.

 

Now I've gotten used to being alone solo trips, going out to eat by myself. I got too used to dating myself.

 

and go to movie by myself...and I look around, everyone is with somebody...it makes you feel like a alien...though:mad:

[Springsummer]

Maybe I am naturally a loner. I had my chances with good looking guys, but somehow I managed to avoid to have have any.

 

I am just too consumed with my own universe and own existence?

 

anyhow. I feel regret now. after all, nobody lives alone like me in this universe. it seems...

[FilterCoffee]

I mostly just like not having the responsibility to be something for someone else right now. I'm quite content on my own

 

I need a huge amount of alone time that is not compatible with being in a relationship and I don't want to impose that on someone. There also are a lot of things in a relationship that would involve giving up a certain amount of independence that I'm not prepared to trade off just for the sake of being in a relationship.

 

I'm just an all-around happy, down-to-earth person with no drama. I'm a firm believer in independence and for all parties being able to stand on their own two feet.

 

Nowadays we have all the possibilities to be independent. It's not like relationships last anyway.

 

I also need a lot of alone time and other people's habits annoy me to no end.

 

I prefer to live alone and, like you Lorenza, I need a lot of time to myself. No way can I live with someone else again!

 

I also think a lot of people go through a phase where they don't want to take on the responsibilities and efforts of a relationship.

 

After ending my LTR, I've been single and happier than ever. I felt like a huge burden came off my shoulders, I can go on 'dates' with myself that I actually like and do things that I enjoy, instead of trying to please a partner. Even my libido went up significantly.

 

For me being single begets being single. I love being myself.

 

I don't enjoy the games and instability of dating. It's not for everyone. My dog is my ride or die much more than any potential mate.

 

Imo when certain people dont get married early, there's a good chance they will never mate for life. Dealing with ups and downs get old. Frankly, I think my biggest mistake in dating was not marrying a high school or college sweetheart, not that I had one lol. Being single is easy if you have your own money, lots of interests and goals, and introverted.

 

I'm seeing a pattern here. People (but mostly women) are losing their independence when they get involved in relationships which is causing huge resentment. I heard something very similar from my ex so I'm interested in understanding this in the hope that I can be a better partner in my future relationships. I recently read something in a philosophy book that sort of explains why this happens and I'd like to share it. The excerpt is in bold.

 

At home, partners become infatuated to one another and suffer from severe attachment and possessiveness. They get suffocatingly close and their relationship ends up in separation. Kahlil Gibran, the Lebanese American philosopher puts this idea across beautifully; "Marriage is like a temple resting on two pillars. If they come too close to each other the temple will collapse". Your affection therefore should not be restricted to the members of your family alone. Your home should be the center and not the boundary of your affection.

 

Maybe the key to effective relationships is to maintain a healthy distance and to not intertwine every single aspect of our lives. To live and let live. To give each other breaks so that when we do decide to come together things are fresh. I may be posting this on the wrong thread, but the responses here reminded me of the above excerpt and things started to make sense for me so a big thanks to all the posters.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Very interesting, @filtercoffee. I particularly liked this: "Your home should be the center and not the boundary of your affection."

 

I'm not sure I've ever felt this strongly in my own relationships, but I do see it in others close to me and I'm resentful of it (because I'm excluded).

 

I definitely think some relationships can be so suffocating that they make the suffocated partner veer away from relationships entirely.

 

But, I also think that there are folks, like me, who are self-aware enough to know that they just do not want to put in the effort it actually takes to maintain a good, healthy relationship (right now....at least for me), so they take themselves out of the equation entirely, and responsibly so .

[Interstellar]

I’m introverted but my job requires me to deal with a few hundred people an hour. No exaggeration. I’ve gotten used to it and because of this; I make friends easily if I want to. I can talk to strangers and form a bond if I want to. Usually I just prefer to be by myself. I’ve also conquered my fear of public speaking a while ago so I’m cool with that too.

 

Sure, it’s nice to be single and all that but I’ve spent so much time by myself being alone that it’s time for me to turn over a new leaf.

 

I’m still putting off online dating because I still have to contact this photographer whose black and white style I really like but I’ll get there. I don’t enjoy the game of dating as much as anyone here but it is what it is. Gotta have fun with it. The temptation to do what I’m already good at is there, ie. Being alone; it's much too easy to repeat, to stagnate but not putting myself out there robs myself of valuable life experience, of someone who can show me what I’m truly capable of.

Edited January 28, 2018 by Interstellar

[hotpotato]

and go to movie by myself...and I look around, everyone is with somebody...it makes you feel like a alien...though:mad:

 

Not really for me. Even if it did, im used to being the odd one out. i've never really fit in.

 

Sometimes I see couples and feel like i've dodged a bullet.

 

Once someone felt bad for me so they paid for my dinner! Eating alone can have its perks.

[todreaminblue]

i feel there's positive and negative for both being single and coupled...you can lonely single...btu then if its the wrong relationship you could possibly be lonelier......i can be happy single and i can be happy in a relationship......as long as its with the right guy..im not willing to be in a relationship unless its to be happy in one.....and i don't expect perfection......because that aint possible..

 

...i would prefer to take the good times and the bad times with a significant other..i am open to love a guy who will love me back just as much...because good and bad times happen with both relationship states.....

 

i accept my single status as it is what it is at the moment i have not closed my heart off though....deb

[littleblackheart]

That's awesome then! I sometimes imagine how it will be when the kids are gone and it's just me in the house but it's hard to say how I'll feel because I don't live it yet, you know?

 

I lived alone for years before I had kids, and there were the mostt blissful years of my life.

 

Now, on the very rare occasion my kids spend time away from home, I feel like I'm going back to my natural state.

 

I really see a distinction between single and being alone - the connection and relationship I have with my kids will never be anywhere near the same as I would have with a partner. Being a mother isn't a chore to me; being in a relationship is.

 

I don't believe there is a 'perfect partner' for you out there, and people mostly accommodate themselves with the one they chose to spend their life with. There's nothing wrong with that, but there's also nothing wrong with enjoying being single more.

[FilterCoffee]

Very interesting, @filtercoffee. I particularly liked this: "Your home should be the center and not the boundary of your affection."

 

I'm not sure I've ever felt this strongly in my own relationships, but I do see it in others close to me and I'm resentful of it (because I'm excluded).

 

I definitely think some relationships can be so suffocating that they make the suffocated partner veer away from relationships entirely.

 

But, I also think that there are folks, like me, who are self-aware enough to know that they just do not want to put in the effort it actually takes to maintain a good, healthy relationship (right now....at least for me), so they take themselves out of the equation entirely, and responsibly so .

 

Yeah I definitely didn’t give enough space to my ex and that became a problem. But the weird thing is when we first started dating, she felt I wasn’t giving her attention so too much space. I guess for me it’s about finding the right balance.

 

With regards to putting effort, I’m trying to understand why it’s become this way. Why have relationships become such a chore that we feel we have to go out of our way to make it work? This book I’m reading says love brings harmony to our lives so shouldn’t relationships be easy? Hmmm, I need to contemplate on this further.

[Cookiesandough]

Yea, that save for simplenfit it has been mostly women commenting in here has not been lost on me. But I think women in general start to bear most of the responsibilities in relationships eventually. Even with my mom and dad, I feel she does like 70%, but she seems content and appreciated in the role, so she doesn't see imbalance. I know a lot of relationships where the men don't appreciate it. Divorced women are much much less likely to want to remarry. I know most men will disagree with me on that and I am not trying to turn it in to "one of those things" and it certainly not always the case.I think my parents work so well because they are two very independent people with aligned personalities and feel respected in their roles.

 

What you said and that excerpt was very pertinent to me, FilterCoffee. In my [very limited] relationship experience, at the beginning guys play it cool. They seem to have their own life, are independent, and we respect them and feel attraction to them. But as they start take their walls down and go relationship mode,a switch flips. A lot of men (not all) stop being the cool, independent, attractive person you met, and start becoming a boring, possessive, emotional vampire. I think because men so rarely are able to show emotions (which is horrible but that's another story) once they have a relationship haven and are particularly emotional people, overshare like no ones business. It's not about impressing you at that point, it's more just making sure you don't escape.

 

Also, it's hard to explain, but they try to live through you and meld the two of you together into one. Some people love that, but I don't operate that way. Not enough space = eventually toxic for me. What makes matters worse is when this happens and you start losing attraction, they try to remedy this by pushing closer - sharing more feelings, gifts that you must accept, rubbing and kissing all over you constantly when you are already kind of turned off. If you try to back away and have your own life they kind of become resentful and jealous even if they don't show it initially. They feel a bit angry at you if another man shows interest in you even though they know rationally it's not your fault. They start to feel like if you aren't there for them at all times they need it you don't care (black and white thinking). If you choose your gfs or any other activity without them over them *if they don't want to do it or they want your time* they take it as a slight. Eventually, it gets to the point where you start having to do thing you don't want to do with/for someone you don't really want to to keep the relationship going without problems.

 

But even if by chance you meet someone who won't do all this,you have proper balance with, there is still so much to contend with. You still have an extra person to account for, their problems to worry about, relationship issues to worry about, having to do things you don't want to for the sake of another, compromise, sacrifice. etc. I understand that if you love someone, but why put yourself in the position where you need to do that if you are happy singular? I don't understand. Especially when you can have companionship free from those constraints at any time. I feel like Schopenhauer put it best when he said that [it]is "halving your rights and doubling your duties".

Edited January 28, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[FilterCoffee]

Even with my mom and dad, my mom does 80%, but she seems content and appreciated in the role.... I think my parents work so well because they are two very independent people with very aligned personalities.

 

Yeah that kind of independence is necessary in order to not suffocate our SOs. I could see this in Steve51's post as well which I've put below in bold. The thread can be found here.

 

Married 45 years here and the secret to our success is not spending too much time together. When we first got married we shared a couch and wanted to be together all the time but now we find it best to give each other space. I work at home so too much time together is no good. I normally stay in my office/man cave until dinner. Then afterwards we sit in the same room on different chairs and watch TV until 10 pm. Then we both retire to our own bedrooms to watch TV and go on the internet. It works for us and we are still very much in love. My wife goes out 3 nights a week to play bingo or cards with her married friends and I get to watch all the action movies I want.

 

Still married and happy after 45 years. Very impressive.

 

In my [very limited] relationship experience, at the beginning guys play it cool. They seem to have their own life, are independent, and we respect them and feel attraction to them. But as they start take their walls down and go relationship mode,a switch flips. A lot of men (not all) stop being the cool, independent, attractive person you met, and start becoming a boring, weak, possessive, emotional vampire. I think because men so rarely are able to show emotions (which is horrible but that's another story) once they have a relationship haven and are particularly emotional people, overshare like no ones business. It's not about winning you over by impressing you at that point, it's more just making sure you don't escape.

 

Also, it's hard to explain, but they try to live through you and meld the two of you together into one. Some people love that, but I don't operate that way. What makes matters worse is when this happens and you start losing attraction, they try to remedy this by pushing closer - sharing more feelings, gifts that you must accept, rubbing and kissing all over you constantly when you are already kind of turned off.

 

Were you spying on me while I was in my last relationship?? That's almost exactly what happened to us lol. I guess these problems are so universal that it doesn't matter which part of the world you're from. In both of my previous LTRs, I was very independent in the beginning which caused problems and I had to change to appease my partners. Hmmm, I really need to find the right balance.