ctlguy Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 My xGF and I just ended after over a year. We loved each other greatly, wanted to be together, yet wrote it off as not compatible. It was a little confusing as there had to be some root to it all. I looked into love languages and it became clear that we total different ones, and it makes total sense why we struggled with it making it work and growing apart. So does different love languages solidify why we were not compatible? It kind of stinks we both have it planted we are not, and its been over for a month and the thought of going back is not an option. Finding big reasons as to why it "potentially" didnt work, but the thought places that "what if" on my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 (edited) I'm sorry about your breakup. With all due respect your post is a little vague... It may be difficult to get helpful responses. I will share my thoughts on the question that you posed... I would say that it's more challenging when two individuals have different love languages, but it can certainly work if both individuals are committed to trying to give what is needed by their partner. My love languages are touch and words of affirmation. My boyfriend's love languages are spending time together and doing things for each other. He tries to demonstrate his love a little more through touch and kind words, while I try to respect the fact that he is showing his love when he wants to spend time together and does kind things for me. It works. Perhaps there was more at play with your breakup than just incompatable love languages? Were there other incompatibilities that made the relationship challenging? Edited January 27, 2018 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctlguy Posted January 27, 2018 Author Share Posted January 27, 2018 Well there were lack of communication, although sometime we really open about talking but I dont feel it was enough and we didnt feel like were moving past a certain point. I was the one wanting to cuddle up more. I would come up behind here when she was getting ready in the morning and give her a nice simple kiss on the cheek, yet she questioned sometimes how I felt. I see now that she wanted to hear it. We loved one another, rarely argued (more of open mature disagreements), loved being together, had fun, and wanted it to work. Its silly now to think that I felt that was enough. All of that and I showed her wasnt enough and a lot faded while creating a lot of confusion why we both of us. That is how we came to the conclusion we were incompatible. I'm sorry about your breakup. With all due respect your post is a little vague... It may be difficult to get helpful responses. I will share my thoughts on the question that you posed... I would say that it's more challenging when two individuals have different love languages, but it can certainly work if both individuals are committed to trying to give what is needed by their partner. My love languages are touch and words of affirmation. My boyfriend's love languages are spending time together and doing things for each other. He tries to demonstrate his love a little more through touch and kind words, while I try to respect the fact that he is showing his love when he wants to spend time together and does kind things for me. It works. Perhaps there was more at play with your breakup than just incompatable love languages? Were there other incompatibilities that made the relationship challenging? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 (edited) Well there were lack of communication, although sometime we really open about talking but I dont feel it was enough and we didnt feel like were moving past a certain point. I was the one wanting to cuddle up more. I would come up behind here when she was getting ready in the morning and give her a nice simple kiss on the cheek, yet she questioned sometimes how I felt. I see now that she wanted to hear it. We loved one another, rarely argued (more of open mature disagreements), loved being together, had fun, and wanted it to work. Its silly now to think that I felt that was enough. With all due respect, I'm still not sure that I'm seeing the incompatibility. Those things sound wonderful. I'm not sure that it's silly to think that it wasn't enough. Women generally like to feel wanted and appreciated by their partner... But surely, you didn't break up because she wanted to cuddle more and you didn't always tell her how you felt. Did she have reason to be insecure about your feelings? Was she an insecure and emotionally needy person? Sometimes, people do grow apart for no perceivable reason... especially if you are young and you are still growing and developing your own personalities. Again, I'm sorry that it didn't work for you. Edited January 27, 2018 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctlguy Posted January 27, 2018 Author Share Posted January 27, 2018 Yea I agree with you on many things. This simply just made me raise questions that I am trying to take something from it. She was insecure in some ways yes. She is the very stunning, and was always the one who made heads turn everywhere she went. Problem with that was, she has heard that her entire life and she felt she had to live up to it. We are both in out mid 40s. Her ex just up and walked out after 18 years, so I am sure that lead to a lot. While there were so many other factors hence the reason I know wanting to try is not an option. The topic just raised questions as I saw some clarity after it ended, although I by no means saying that would been a game changer, but it does cross the mind. Doesnt mean I have found the FIX and answers. With all due respect, I'm still not sure that I'm seeing the incompatibility. Those things sound wonderful. I'm not sure that it's silly to think that it wasn't enough. Women generally like to feel wanted and appreciated by their partner... But surely, you didn't break up because she wanted to cuddle more and you didn't always tell her how you felt. Did she have reason to be insecure about your feelings? Was she an insecure and emotionally needy person? Sometimes, people do grow apart for no perceivable reason... especially if you are young and you are still growing and developing your own personalities. Again, I'm sorry that it didn't work for you. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 I'm sure that it is "part" of what contributed to the breakup... but, certainly not the only reason. It is good to do a "post-break-up analysis" to discover if you can, where things went wrong and what you could do differently next time. I can well imagine that her ex leaving after 18 years also contributed to her decision - perhaps, more than you may think. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 Sometimes, when nothing specific seems wrong but things just aren't working, it's because one of the partners is emotionally unavailable and has baggage to work through. There aren't too many details here to help you analyze exactly what went wrong, but I suspect that after the trauma of an 18 year relationship ending, that may have been the problem in the relationship. Usually that partner doesn't even realize they were unavailable until time has passed and they have a chance to process. Be honest with yourself about your part in things, but sometimes the lesson is to just recognize when it's nothing personal but your partner isn't ready for what you want / can't meet your completely reasonable needs... when they need to fix things that aren't yours to fix. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 I just spent my day at a ladies retreat at my mom's church and one of the things discussed was the Five Love Languages. We all took the test, etc. It matters not if your love languages are the same. What matters is if you are committed to showing love to your partner through their love language even if it differs from your own. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 I don't see the incompatibility either. It can't be about not cuddling enough or not saying how you feel frequently enough. Who asked for the break up? Was it mutual or one of you brought it up? And why? I guess feelings were mild and they faded over time. So it sounds more like a matter of not being into each other that much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 I'm lost... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctlguy Posted January 28, 2018 Author Share Posted January 28, 2018 Well in the beginning say about 6 months is was awesome. She was a little to strong and I am one to take it slow, so I was pulling back. I admitted I hade some fear of commitment. We did talk openly about it and she was very patient. We seemed to get complacent a little over time. We then split (mutual but I brought it up) up for about 3 weeks, but unfortunately it was during her birthday and I missed it because of it. When I went to get my stuff, we talked for 3 hours. Sent an amazing weekend together and started seeing each other again. She told me she had her walls up and I said lets just just enjoy our time and not think about it. I got some cool weekend trips for us and wanted to go have fun and just enjoy. Well, she was slowly coming around when we had a petty disagreement, and everything about our relationship came out (the bad). The next day she said we needed to just let each other go. I don't see the incompatibility either. It can't be about not cuddling enough or not saying how you feel frequently enough. Who asked for the break up? Was it mutual or one of you brought it up? And why? I guess feelings were mild and they faded over time. So it sounds more like a matter of not being into each other that much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctlguy Posted January 28, 2018 Author Share Posted January 28, 2018 I agree. We just never looked there although she had the book but never read it. (ironic). Since you sound like you understand. We went to church together often and I brought up a Chip Ingram series to start together but never committed to doing it. I just spent my day at a ladies retreat at my mom's church and one of the things discussed was the Five Love Languages. We all took the test, etc. It matters not if your love languages are the same. What matters is if you are committed to showing love to your partner through their love language even if it differs from your own. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 i don't see how love languages need to be the same or a challenge if you learn the language and be bilingual..... you looked up love languages after you broke up.....would you have spoken her language and would she have spoken yours if you knew before hand what they were........when you get to know someone you find out what they love and what they dont...you sort of can get an idea of what their love languages are by what they tell you..love languages are about communication how two people are happy with communication and how they communicate.... and people talk differently and say different things you get to know the way they communicate and you reciprocate or learn their language to make them happy..... then there's no reason why different love languages cant be spoken by both..takes effort as any communication between a man and a woman takes...we are the feminine to a mans masculine....and i believe that all love languages can be used as complements to another....you should never lock into one form of language...it is always better to be bilingual and open to learn.....so damn right different love languages can complement each other...and can be a blessing because you achieve emotional growth..deb.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 i don't see how love languages need to be the same or a challenge if you learn the language and be bilingual..... you looked up love languages after you broke up.....would you have spoken her language and would she have spoken yours if you knew before hand what they were........when you get to know someone you find out what they love and what they dont...you sort of can get an idea of what their love languages are by what they tell you..love languages are about communication how two people are happy with communication and how they communicate.... and people talk differently and say different things you get to know the way they communicate and you reciprocate or learn their language to make them happy..... then there's no reason why different love languages cant be spoken by both..takes effort as any communication between a man and a woman takes...we are the feminine to a mans masculine....and i believe that all love languages can be used as complements to another....you should never lock into one form of language...it is always better to be bilingual and open to learn.....so damn right different love languages can complement each other...and can be a blessing because you achieve emotional growth..deb.... You have such a beautiful mind and soul, Deb. <3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 You have such a beautiful mind and soul, Deb. <3 thankyou...namaste to you too...means i recognise it in you..deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctlguy Posted January 28, 2018 Author Share Posted January 28, 2018 If I understood her languages and was aware of the importance of them yes I would have. i don't see how love languages need to be the same or a challenge if you learn the language and be bilingual..... you looked up love languages after you broke up.....would you have spoken her language and would she have spoken yours if you knew before hand what they were........when you get to know someone you find out what they love and what they dont...you sort of can get an idea of what their love languages are by what they tell you..love languages are about communication how two people are happy with communication and how they communicate.... and people talk differently and say different things you get to know the way they communicate and you reciprocate or learn their language to make them happy..... then there's no reason why different love languages cant be spoken by both..takes effort as any communication between a man and a woman takes...we are the feminine to a mans masculine....and i believe that all love languages can be used as complements to another....you should never lock into one form of language...it is always better to be bilingual and open to learn.....so damn right different love languages can complement each other...and can be a blessing because you achieve emotional growth..deb.... Link to post Share on other sites
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