Feelings for the deceased?

[Des]

This is probably a strange topic I'm sure. But it's a strange situation I've been dealing with as of late.

 

Recently I had heard about the death of someone from my area, who was killed in a freak accident (and quite young sadly). My curiosity had gotten the better of me and I decided to look this person up online. Sure enough, I was able to find their Facebook and subsequently all of their friends and family grieving. I know it's not very appropriate for me to look, but it was shared publicly. As more information about their life was shared, I started to feel really terrible about their passing, and the more I read and saw, the worse I felt. I become really sad and depressed over the whole thing, almost like being in a state of grieving myself despite not knowing the person. Couldn't stop tormenting myself over it.

 

I began to wonder why I had become so terribly effected by this. I thought it was maybe just my anxiety and depression issues getting the better of me in this situation. I was looking up how often that fatal crashes occur, and soon realized that they happen every day. In fact, I found two other cases where people were killed in a similar fashion around the same time frame, and also not so far away. While I felt bad to also hear about the passing of those as well, it just didn't grip me quite the same way. I kept coming back to the first story.

 

There was something specifically about this particular person that left me feeling devastated to hear about. Then I started to think, maybe I'm feeling so bad because in my delusional mind, there was some potential there? I couldn't really deny it. I wasn't just a physical attraction, but with everything that was shared about this person, and the fact that they were single. I couldn't help myself. I guess that it left me feeling like this is someone who I'd really like the chance meet. But sadly, that can never happen now. It's left me feeling very empty, and very alone. Kind of like when someone looses a friend, or has a really tough break up - I feel like this person was potentially someone very special to me, now gone forever. Fate was only taunting me now, by letting me know of their existence after taking them away. Like saying "here is the one you've always been looking for, and now you get to watch them go".

 

I know it's silly to think there might be potential when you've technically never met them, but it leaves that "what if" question hanging indefinitely. It's a question that I could never have answered now. I suppose the emotional side of the brain doesn't know the difference between developing feelings for someone whether they are alive, or dead. So it still feels a lot like this is someone who I knew, and someone who I lost. It still hurts a lot. I have cried many times and felt very broken up. I'm fairly certain that our paths had even crossed a few times over the years now from what I've read... How did I miss her? If we had met, would that have altered her fate in the end? Would she be alive today? Or would I be destine to face this same heartache but in a much worse kind of way?

 

Is this just the stupid nature of the human heart, always trying to break itself? Always wanting what cannot be? How can I find closure with this? How do you cope with the voice that haunts you, telling you that the one person you "really" should have ended up with has slipped away? It's particularly painful knowing that you could never even have the chance to know how things could be. Maybe there would be nothing, maybe there would be everything. I imagine that others have dealt with similar feelings. Perhaps in the passing of someone who you had feelings for? But was never able to tell them?

[basil67]

How to find closure? I think it comes in grounding yourself. To realise that you've worked yourself into a state over something which is pure fantasy.

 

If the thought pops into your head, remind yourself that none of this is real. And go do something else. The thoughts should fade quickly enough if you stop feeding them.

 

Good luck.

[grays]

I'm sorry. That sounds like a dark place to be. I don't think you're off the charts for getting whipped up about this. But I do agree with basil that you're kind of nurturing those feelings and you should back away, stop feeding them. It's not a healthy thing.

 

This experience of mine doesnt speak to the romantic nature of your feelings but at least once I got whipped up in a similar way about a story/people I didn't even know. Almost nine years ago, when my younger child was an infant I read a news story and/or saw a news clip -- can't remember and I don't really want to -- about a couple horribly abusing their baby. IIRC, the story was really graphic and shocking and I was so heartbroken and sad about it that you'd think it had happened in my family or something. I took it way too personally and I think I was really down about it for maybe three weeks. It just got under my skin and was hard to get past.

 

But I did work at getting past it and I refused to read any more about it and for years after went out of my way to avoid reading any stories about child abuse cases. It seems like you might have to actively try to get yourself out of this funk by finding other things to focus on and staying away from the stories and social media about this woman.

[Des]

I'm sorry. That sounds like a dark place to be. I don't think you're off the charts for getting whipped up about this. But I do agree with basil that you're kind of nurturing those feelings and you should back away, stop feeding them. It's not a healthy thing.

 

This experience of mine doesnt speak to the romantic nature of your feelings but at least once I got whipped up in a similar way about a story/people I didn't even know. Almost nine years ago, when my younger child was an infant I read a news story and/or saw a news clip -- can't remember and I don't really want to -- about a couple horribly abusing their baby. IIRC, the story was really graphic and shocking and I was so heartbroken and sad about it that you'd think it had happened in my family or something. I took it way too personally and I think I was really down about it for maybe three weeks. It just got under my skin and was hard to get past.

 

But I did work at getting past it and I refused to read any more about it and for years after went out of my way to avoid reading any stories about child abuse cases. It seems like you might have to actively try to get yourself out of this funk by finding other things to focus on and staying away from the stories and social media about this woman.

 

It sounds easier than it is. As you know, it's one of those things that's hard to scrub away. I feel like it's as much about the tragedy and maybe more than about my fondness. I've read the words of a grieving mother who had to bury her eldest child, and an evangelist who had tried to save her and had prayed for her life. All due to the negligence of a driver who caused the whole thing, and nearly killed even more people who were involved. That's not something I'll ever forget. It will belong to a collection of bad memories that will stay with me, probably forever on some level.

 

I think the damage is already done in my mind. I just need to find a way to stop the intrusive thinking. I've often wondered if it would be appropriate for me to send my condolences to the family. Not sure if attempting to comfort them would be helpful, or just make things worse (for them, or myself).

[basil67]

Do you battle with intrusive feelings in general? Or is this a blip for you?

[healing light]

Hey Des,

 

I have a feeling your emotions about this are probably some kind of transference. Have you suffered some type of loss that you haven't quite processed? Just know that everything that you think you know about this person may not even be true--your mind has filled in the blanks. When someone dies, you usually only hear of the wonderful things or sentiments expressed that may be appropriate for a news article or funeral but may not be authentic/may be included for sensationalized purposes.

 

To give you a vague idea of what I mean, I know a local news anchor who gets all dolled up for TV. Behind the scenes, she is a shallow, selfish turd of a person who looks nothing like the manicured image that is advertised (she is unrecognizable without the stage makeup/lighting). She's very high maintenance and puts her boyfriend through hell, but cultivates her social media so that everyone thinks she is single. Think of a spoiled, overgrown 8-year-old with a job. Yet audiences attribute all sorts of romantic ideas on what wonderful qualities she must possess because of the way that things are framed, how she looks on screen, and the PR events she has to attend for the company.

 

The media often finds soft spots and frames stories around them for emotional effect that may have little to do with reality. When someone dies, no one is going to sit back and talk about how the person was less than ideal. You're only going to hear about the highlights of their life, how wonderful they were, and other sound bites the media exploits to garner views.

 

So while it's true this person you think you know may have been one of a kind, and certainly their death is no less tragic, you will never know if there would have been any type of chemistry or if you would have even liked them in real life. I have a feeling your thoughts and feelings about this person actually have to do with a larger issue of missed opportunities or some other type of unprocessed loss. That being said, I would refrain from contacting the family because I don't think at this point it will be helpful in your recovery to try to foster any type of relationship with them or give more fuel to how you feel.

[amaysngrace]

If it was meant to be it would have been.

 

Isn't there something else that you could be putting your energy towards?