do all MM pull away when..

[Savannah2]

Do they all pull away when they are having difficult times in their marriage? Mine used to say he needed to take a step back from me whenever he was experiencing difficult times with his kids or wife. He would say something like he needed to focus on his family because his kid or wife was going through a tough time at school or work or whatever.

 

Anyone else have this with their MM and how did it make you feel?

[basil67]

When it comes to human reactions, there is no ALL when considering individual responses.

 

But I would imagine it's not uncommon for them to put their focus on the primary relationship and responsibilities when required. It's no different to how our hobbies get put to one side when we're busy with more important things.

[Lehcar1012]

My MM pulls away whenever anything is bothering him. He doesn't always tell me what's going on at home though. I just try to be patient when he gets that way. In fact, he was super sweet and close lately and today he's very distant . Responding with one word texts. I used to get very insecure wondering why he is like this, now im learning just let him be. I try to give him space whe. He needs it. Seems to work wonders with him. It does hurt my feelings and make me feel insecure when he gets like this though.

Edited January 27, 2018 by Lehcar1012

[Savannah2]

It was always very eye opening to me when he would do this. I always felt like I was his “reward” for lack of better terms. Like when things were going well st home, he rewarded himself with me and didn’t feel as guilty because all his primary relationships with wife and kids were good so he deserved something on the side. What a terrible place to be in..,

[imsosad]

Is this even a relationship? I only see one person here and it is MM. He is the only one that matters,all focus is on him. Where are you in all of this?

To answer your question, my affair was only a few months but my AP never pulled away or went dark on me(even at times when he should have).

Maybe he wanted to pull away sometimes but I think he knew that if he did, I wouldn't be there next time he reached out.

I think you should try to shift your focus from him back to yourself. Why are you tolerating being treated as someone who is nice to have but not appreciated or important? Even if you're not important to him, you matter 100%. He doesn't get to define your worth.

Start by wanting more for yourself.

[basil67]

What a terrible place to be in..,

 

You have the power here. Be brave and use it.

[Practicallyperfect]

My exMM used to go mia from time to time. I’ve since learned this happened when he was threatened by W to stop seeing me or when there was a wedding or other family function the OW would never be asked to attend;)

[Adoraxx]

My xMM went cold on me OFTEN. Sometimes I wondered if it was because of guilt, at other times I think he just had 'enough' of me as if I was no longer interesting enough. (That is: until he became horny again) I always thought this behavior was very insulting. He hurt me a LOT with it

[Marc878]

Do they all pull away when they are having difficult times in their marriage? Mine used to say he needed to take a step back from me whenever he was experiencing difficult times with his kids or wife. He would say something like he needed to focus on his family because his kid or wife was going through a tough time at school or work or whatever.

 

Anyone else have this with their MM and how did it make you feel?

 

In case you haven't figured it out their wife and family are first priority.

[imsosad]

My xMM went cold on me OFTEN. Sometimes I wondered if it was because of guilt, at other times I think he just had 'enough' of me as if I was no longer interesting enough. (That is: until he became horny again) I always thought this behavior was very insulting. He hurt me a LOT with it

 

So sorry you went through this.

What I don't get is making excuses for the MM. He's feeling guilty and that's an ok reason to treat you like crap? But then, when he wants sex, his guilt just evaporates?

I don't buy it.

I think they behave this way because they can, because being in an affair lowers your standards and sets the bar so low that any behavior will do.

I felt very guilty during my affair but it never turned in to nasty/hurtful behavior towards my AP because I really cared for him.

These MM behave this way because they can and they don't care enough to do better.

I really hope each and every woman who replied that she is also being treated this way will live herself enough to not tolerate this degrading behavior. Nothing to do with guilt, everything to do with not treating the OW as a person.

[Savannah2]

I started to call his bluff Towards the end of the affair when I was pretty disconnected from him .. probably from years of push pull. When he would say he needed to step away instead of fighting him and begging him not to, I would just say ok and not seem bothered. Doing this always seemed to have the opposite effect and he would actually show more effort towards me the more disconnected and unbothered I became...

 

 

What a s$&it show

[FMW]

MM did that to me on several occasions. He told me once that when he had too much confusion he just needed to withdraw, from everyone, BW as well as me. I think he knew what he was doing was wrong and that he was hurting both of us, but he was too weak to stop, he wanted his BW and their life together but also wanted me (or whoever else was giving him the extra attention, affection & ego boost at the moment). During these times I believe he drank more and self medicated with other substances to escape reality when it all got too much for him to handle. Deep down he was/is a good guy, but he is damaged and does destructive and hurtful things. That was my experience.

 

If the affair lasts more than a brief period of time it's probably common to most, but as we can see from the posts here, not necessarily for the same reasons.

[justanotheroneofyou]

For those feeling insecure, isn't the premise of the whole relationship built on deception, non-trust, and, ultimately, lack of transparency, which breed insecurity?

[imsosad]

For those feeling insecure, isn't the premise of the whole relationship built on deception, non-trust, and, ultimately, lack of transparency, which breed insecurity?

 

Yes. By definition it is unpredictable, unstable, secretive, sneaky, peculiar, anxious, painful.

I think for some it us precisely the point-an exciting supplement to a boring routine.

However, for so many it was a blow to our self esteem, s3lf respect, peace of mind and integrity. Mostly, it's just very unfulfilling and leaves you bouncing of the walls.

[OceanBlues132017]

Is this even a relationship? I only see one person here and it is MM. He is the only one that matters,all focus is on him. Where are you in all of this?

To answer your question, my affair was only a few months but my AP never pulled away or went dark on me(even at times when he should have).

Maybe he wanted to pull away sometimes but I think he knew that if he did, I wouldn't be there next time he reached out.

I think you should try to shift your focus from him back to yourself. Why are you tolerating being treated as someone who is nice to have but not appreciated or important? Even if you're not important to him, you matter 100%. He doesn't get to define your worth.

Start by wanting more for yourself.

 

 

 

I have the same question here. Why is it just about him? What about you and your feelings and where you stand in this relationship? There are many answers we can give you as to why your MM would be distant, but you need to also focus and care about YOU. What are you getting out of this? Are you a priority? Are you getting what you deserve? Take it from an OW - put YOUR feelings first. You are who you should be worried about. This life is yours, not his.

[LilySun]

By agreeing to a relationship with a MM with kids, you are also agreeing to be his last priority. He still has obligations and the role of a dad/husband to play. That stuff will always come 1st no matter how highly he thinks of you. I'm sure that feels bad but it's something you must accept if you want to continue seeing him.

[Rebelnoir]

My ex-MM would do this from time to time, although on the whole he was always available and made sure of that. In a way it's irrelevant, and I'd echo what other people have said here. It's not *normal* behaviour in a relationship, and you need to figure out why you're ok with it. We all deserve to be with people who care about us enough to prioritise us...and when our partner is going through a crap time we should be able to support them through that. The dynamics of an affair mean that can't usually happen. It was something I struggled with, being shut out, as I really wanted to support him. The funny thing is our relationship was all about him, at no point did he think about my needs and what would support me.

 

Just because something is common, and most MM withdraw, does not mean it's ok.

[somanymistakes]

It doesn't happen in every relationship, and if he pulls away from you completely in order to focus on someone else, then that clearly demonstrates to you where you fall on the list of priorities.

 

OTOH it IS normal in a relationship to redistribute time based on need. If you were dating a completely-divorced man with kids, and one of his kids had a crisis, it would be normal and expected that he would probably have less free fun-time with you for a while in order to focus on the needs of his child. But that divorced dad shouldn't drop you completely because he was busy, as that would suggest you didn't have much of a relationship. If his kid were in the hospital he might not want to take you dancing but he should still want to talk to you, for support if nothing else.

[Toots]

Do they all pull away when they are having difficult times in their marriage?

 

It was the opposite. Difficult times in his marriage sent him looking for love elsewhere.

[Southwardbound]

Do they all pull away when they are having difficult times in their marriage? Mine used to say he needed to take a step back from me whenever he was experiencing difficult times with his kids or wife. He would say something like he needed to focus on his family because his kid or wife was going through a tough time at school or work or whatever.

 

Anyone else have this with their MM and how did it make you feel?

 

He & I don't usually talk about what's going on in his marriage - compartmentalization- unless he specifically mentions something- then we directly talk about it. Although, if I am with him when they aren't getting along - I do notice he gets uptight. I just give him space, if he wants it & do my own thing. Or, I'm super nice/ non-stressful to him.

 

However, he does pull away- twice a year, same time- every year, right after he does the family two week holiday. It's weird, cause while he is on the holiday he calls, & texts me as usual. I don't call him during those times. But the pull away behavior pattern happens directly after the holiday- it probably is some form of gulit. Usually he starts with trying to pick a fight, then goes quiet/ super naggy over for 2-4 weeks. Now that we have been together for 3 years, I recognize the pattern. This year, I'm going to try a different tact with him right after the holiday & see if I can break that pattern.

[grass-hopper]

This is the first time he pulls away from me. It’s harder than I ever imagined.

 

Even during a time when I am trying to get out. It’s still so hard to be left in the dark. After all the energy and time I gave, his time is too precious to give me. And I’m no one anymore.

 

MM pulling away brings up feelings of insecurity, abandonment, confusion...

[Lehcar1012]

This is the first time he pulls away from me. It’s harder than I ever imagined.

 

Even during a time when I am trying to get out. It’s still so hard to be left in the dark. After all the energy and time I gave, his time is too precious to give me. And I’m no one anymore.

 

MM pulling away brings up feelings of insecurity, abandonment, confusion...

 

This is the first time for me too, MM has been distant at times with me, but always in contact and always see each other daily aside from Sunday. It's been 1 week today since I've seen him. In the year we have been together we have never gone more than 2 days with out at least seeing eachother briefly. He's been only texting once every 24 hours , twice today. He and his family got flu, then he lost a friend, and wife had a health scare. He hasn't been to work. I'm extremely hurt. I feel like I'm nothing to him. It's confusing, painful, and I'm angry. He has been a huge part of my life this last year. I know people on here say I'm the ow not girlfriend, well we did everything together. Every day. He was at my house before work and after work until bedtime. We cook together shop together, run errands together, everything a couple would do. He saw me every day off except Sunday. And was always texting non stop. I feel like he just vanished. I understand the things going on in his life, but I matter too.

Edited February 24, 2018 by Lehcar1012