viatori patuit Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 I had a discussion tonight with my wife. During the course of the discussion I mentioned sometimes I seek other people’s advice about dealing with marital and parental issues. She exploded and damn near demanded a divorce. She sees things like this site as a violation of trust. She is adamant that I not discuss her behavior with anyone. She swears she never discusses our relationship with anyone. I could use some guidance here if anyone has some. This is really strange to me. This can’t be normal. Am I wrong to seek outside counsel on issues that I don’t understand? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 I had a discussion tonight with my wife. During the course of the discussion I mentioned sometimes I seek other people’s advice about dealing with marital and parental issues. She exploded and damn near demanded a divorce. She sees things like this site as a violation of trust. She is adamant that I not discuss her behavior with anyone. She swears she never discusses our relationship with anyone. I could use some guidance here if anyone has some. This is really strange to me. This can’t be normal. Am I wrong to seek outside counsel on issues that I don’t understand? There are a number of people here to believe that problems within the relationship should not be shared outside the relationship. Not even with best friends. So I can imagine they'd be very upset to find out it was being shared with randoms on the internet. Personally, I discuss things with my BFF. So I'm not one who says one must avoid outside counsel. That said, I trust my BFF to give solid advice. When on the internet, you don't know anything about the person giving advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 Am I wrong to seek outside counsel on issues that I don’t understand? It depends. There are some topics you shouldn't share with anyone, and there are certain people you shouldn't share personal things with. There has to be a certain amount of privacy in a relationship. You can't just go airing your dirty laundry with anyone. What was her behavior like, and who did you discuss it with? Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 your wife sees it as a violation of trust aka a betrayal of trust..doesnt matter what others think...she is your wife....it matters what she thinks or feels...you should have known her enough to know that she would take this as a violation..its pretty big..... ..with matters of the heart and parenting...it should be between you and your wife to come to the table first and discuss issues together first and try work it out between you and if that cant be done and no resolution or compromise reached then thats when you with mutual consent bring outside counsel in and i would suggest it be a more professional approach with a trained counsellor or a trusted advisor. who supports you rmarriage first and foremost.....do research together then discuss and come to an agreement who would serve you counsel best........ when you are single you handle things differently your network of friends and familial support are your go tos.....maybe even anonymous forums such as this one when you are married you work as a team you decide on resolutions together and that includes very much so...counsel........especially in the parental sense and especially in the union you have as husband and wife....so maybe you need to apologise and talk this out with her .and dont do it to her again......ever...deb... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author viatori patuit Posted January 28, 2018 Author Share Posted January 28, 2018 The things I post here are similar to this. Usually behaviors or situations that I don’t understand or I feel overwhelmed by. She keeps saying it’s embarrasing for her, but really I struggle with that too. Random internet discussions can’t be traced to anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 The things I post here are similar to this. Usually behaviors or situations that I don’t understand or I feel overwhelmed by. She keeps saying it’s embarrasing for her, but really I struggle with that too. Random internet discussions can’t be traced to anyone. LoveShack.org Community Forums - View Profile: viatori patuit LoveShack.org: Interpersonal Relationship Advice and Assistance Center - Love and dating advice, platonic relationships, and more. › LoveShack.org Community Forums › Members List Jan 19, 2017 - viatori patuit is a Established Member at the LoveShack.org Community Forums. View viatori patuit's profile. About 4,350 results (0.44 seconds) Search Results LoveShack.org Community Forums - View Profile: todreaminblue LoveShack.org: Interpersonal Relationship Advice and Assistance Center - Love and dating advice, platonic relationships, and more. › LoveShack.org Community Forums › Members List todreaminblue is a Established Member at the LoveShack.org Community Forums. View todreaminblue's profile. not so anonymous if you use google Link to post Share on other sites
Author viatori patuit Posted January 28, 2018 Author Share Posted January 28, 2018 I suppose. If someone wants to find out about me they will. I won’t live my life in fear of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 not so anonymous if you use google But he's supposed to be the only one who knows his own screen name. In principle, posters should be wise not to post identifying information about themselves. I'm surprised though that I see quite a bit of specific information on these forums often. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author viatori patuit Posted January 28, 2018 Author Share Posted January 28, 2018 But he's supposed to be the only one who knows his own screen name. In principle, posters should be wise not to post identifying information about themselves. I'm surprised though that I see quite a bit of specific information on these forums often. Agreed. Some of the stuff I see here is too much. No one knows us here other than our online persona. I tend to think trollers don’t make it past five posts. Changing ones persona is simply too difficult either online or in person. Personally I look for the mostly positive posters here. I value their input the most. The people who seem generally negative I tend to avoid. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 It makes sense not to share marital details with anyone you know, as that can affect how you and/or your spouse are seen and treated. Seeing a professional is different, as there is assured confidentiality. And using the internet is different, because you are anonymous, and can in no way affect or reflect on the spouse. I think her reaction is so extreme because she knows she is in the wrong, and does not want you to realize that and do anything about it. Continue to get the help you need, and let her know. If she leaves, that may be a good thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 (edited) I had a discussion tonight with my wife. During the course of the discussion I mentioned sometimes I seek other people’s advice about dealing with marital and parental issues. She exploded and damn near demanded a divorce. She sees things like this site as a violation of trust. She is adamant that I not discuss her behavior with anyone. She swears she never discusses our relationship with anyone. I could use some guidance here if anyone has some. This is really strange to me. This can’t be normal. Am I wrong to seek outside counsel on issues that I don’t understand? To be honest, you shouldn’t have told your wife that. My wife knows that I have seen a counselor regarding our marriage to deal with some of our issues, and she was okay with. She went with me a couple of times too. I’ve talked to my family (parents, and sister) about our issues (free counseling) when I needed to vent regarding some frustrations in our marriage. My family and wife don’t speak (that is another conversation). I also have been posting on this board too on and off for 8 years, and my wife will NEVER know about it. These are some things you just keep to yourself. Edited January 28, 2018 by Soxfaninfl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Aiuta le mani Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Hey man! Thanks for sharing here! I see your point and I think that you should take what your wife says into consideration as well! She raises a valid point, aside from what you think of her initial reaction. She might just be concerned about the fact and not knowing how do you do it and how much information you have shared! Have you had the chance to have a calmed conversation with your wife about the situation and explain what you do you and how you do it? Above all, I think that, if you value your relationship, you should respect her wishes but be clear about your motives and your feelings on the situation! Keep clear communication and keep moving forward! Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Tell her you post anonymously on a social media site. Maybe she exploded because she thinks you're talking to your friends in real life. And maybe she's upset because she doesn't get to express herself and holds it all in, yet here you are expressing yourself and vent, while she festers. Tell her to go post anonymously on social media too. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 But he's supposed to be the only one who knows his own screen name. In principle, posters should be wise not to post identifying information about themselves. I'm surprised though that I see quite a bit of specific information on these forums often. Those are usually unmarried folks giving personal info. If it's true that his wife is truly upset that he posts anonymously on a forum, then she is being very weird and controlling. Which is never good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I think abusers tend to thrive in isolating their victims. So, no, I don’t think it’s healthy that someone demands you never get outside, potentially objective input on matters that concern you, including your relationship. I can understand why a person wouldn’t want you to discuss your relationship with particular people that they interact with regularly or who are gossips, etc. But I see no harm in seeking advice from anonymous forums like this where you will get the opportunity to hear all sorts of feedback from different walks of life, nor do I think it’s problematic to share your woes with a qualified, competent therapist. I think your wife is overreacting and I find it unreasonable/controlling to be expected to never get outside input from anyone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 It makes sense not to share marital details with anyone you know, as that can affect how you and/or your spouse are seen and treated. Seeing a professional is different, as there is assured confidentiality. And using the internet is different, because you are anonymous, and can in no way affect or reflect on the spouse. I think her reaction is so extreme because she knows she is in the wrong, and does not want you to realize that and do anything about it. Continue to get the help you need, and let her know. If she leaves, that may be a good thing. This one right here... This is what I see. I think her reaction is very weird. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Hmm, just based on what you're saying about the wifes reaction I can tell a few things about her. 1) she is a more dominant personality than you are 2) she uses manipulative behavior to get her way 3) she is emotionally abusive 4) she likely makes a majority of the decisions 5) likely doesn't have a great deal of respect for you. So you seeking outside advise would be annoying to her if she was one or two but her reaction suggests all five. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 But he's supposed to be the only one who knows his own screen name. In principle, posters should be wise not to post identifying information about themselves. I'm surprised though that I see quite a bit of specific information on these forums often. i think there's beauty in transparency...when you start keeping secrets in a marriage...isnt that where problems start......when i had a partner he knew my usernames and he knew what sites i posted on.On one particular site i began to talk to a guy who had the same musical interests as me.....and it progressed to the point where this guy wanted to spend a weekend with me and take me to a concert....there were problems in our relationship and parenting i felt overwhelmed and my partner was working long hours..............that is when i began to put passwords on my computer and spending way way too much time when i should have been spending time talking to my partner.....my partner confronted me asked point blank are you interested in someone else....im not a good secret keeper and honestly i just felt wrong........and so i told him the truth....and i didnt go on that particular site again.. anonymous sites.......anonymous usernames.....doesnt really cut it in a marriage..my partner didnt check up on me by the way he didtn need to while everything was transparent and easy.......sometimes he would look over my shoulder while i typed it was normally poetry sites....... and personally if someone was offering my partner advice that i considered questionable...i would want to know the source and would prefer we got counsel together....... as far as op goes....his wife's opinion should trump anyone's opinion on here and as a marriage and family are the most important thing to a man once he has made that commitment ...he should be more compromising with his wife understanding why her opinion really matters than compromising on a computer with strangers who have no idea about the marital situation they are only getting his side....as far as she is concerned she feels betrayed.........deb Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I thought his wife felt embarrassed that he's advertising their life to others. But his identity is anonymous to the other posters; in particular, no one who knows the OP in real life knows his user name to google him (unless he goes out pf his way advertising his user name to others). Of course, he can choose to share his user name with his wife. But that's a different issue. i think there's beauty in transparency...when you start keeping secrets in a marriage...isnt that where problems start......when i had a partner he knew my usernames and he knew what sites i posted on.On one particular site i began to talk to a guy who had the same musical interests as me.....and it progressed to the point where this guy wanted to spend a weekend with me and take me to a concert....there were problems in our relationship and parenting i felt overwhelmed and my partner was working long hours..............that is when i began to put passwords on my computer and spending way way too much time when i should have been spending time talking to my partner.....my partner confronted me asked point blank are you interested in someone else....im not a good secret keeper and honestly i just felt wrong........and so i told him the truth....and i didnt go on that particular site again.. anonymous sites.......anonymous usernames.....doesnt really cut it in a marriage..my partner didnt check up on me by the way he didtn need to while everything was transparent and easy.......sometimes he would look over my shoulder while i typed it was normally poetry sites....... and personally if someone was offering my partner advice that i considered questionable...i would want to know the source and would prefer we got counsel together....... as far as op goes....his wife's opinion should trump anyone's opinion on here and as a marriage and family are the most important thing to a man once he has made that commitment ...he should be more compromising with his wife understanding why her opinion really matters than compromising on a computer with strangers who have no idea about the marital situation they are only getting his side....as far as she is concerned she feels betrayed.........deb Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Your wife isn't wrong, but neither are you. Some people will be OK with this, and some won't. You just have to come to a compromise. If you do choose to share, especially in real life, it's important to circle back to whomever you told to share the resolution if what was shared was a "problem." Too often, we "vent" to friends or even family members, but never go back to say, "Oh, we're OK now and here's how we resolved it," so the friend/family member may be left with a view of the marriage that is more negative than what's really true. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Have you stressed that you don't provide any identifying information that would reveal your (or her) RL persona? Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 How do you know whetherf she is on this site too? Maybe she is very mad about something else and exploded over this instead? Family often does that. They get angry over some comment but they are really venting over a related issue. that they don't care to bring up. Link to post Share on other sites
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