Savannah2 Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 MM and I have broken up after a 6 year work place affair. Here’s the kicker though... our families are all very close, kids are best friends, all of our social activities involve his family. What do I do? My husband always kind of suspected something going on but never confronted him only me. I denied it. Anyways.. I feel like we really need to start fresh and disassociate with his family. How do I do that? Almost every weekend we have social plans with them and vacations etc.. it’s a mess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 Unless you plan to continue to lie to your Husband...you need to tell him the truth....if you decide not to tell...how can you consider any restart "fresh" that is built on a betrayal and a lie? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted January 28, 2018 Author Share Posted January 28, 2018 Telling my hoskand is not an option. It will blow up MMS life and many others. What’s done is done. I will always have feelings for MM but we are both at a place where we are moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 can you move? I think that's the only way out Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 If you truly want to start fresh, and telling your H is not an option, then yes, you will have to move. Especially after the way this MM treated you during those 6 years, and you allowing it...it was hard enough you for you not to engage at work, how is it going to be different at home? Especially when you say "I will always have feelings for MM but we are both at a place where we are moving on." There are consequences to actions. You chose to engage with this MM despite him being a coworker and despite him also being the parent of your kids' best friends. So if you want to disengage completely then you will have to make drastic changes that will affect your family. No two ways about it. Looking for an easy way out of this "mess"...unfortunately there isn't one. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 Oh boy... I wondered how your saga was going to play out. Well, if you can't tell your husband, I say buck up butter cup. You were able to keep your love affair a secret during all those vacations, BBQs shared life intermingling your families - well, then keep your discontent and feelings about the break up a secret as well. Got to pay to play right? If smothering your emotions (which you were able to keep from display when you two were banging right?) is the only consequence you have to pay, then its a tiny one. I say play the charade. You can't get a fresh start here because its convenient for YOU. You don't get to blow up everyone's lives now, because this part is uncomfortable, rather than sex and fun like you had in the past. Choices? Suffer in silence (and make sure to keep your mood up! Hubby and kids should NOT suffer for this), or fess up, and everyone gets to pay the price for the bad behavior of you and the MM. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 Telling my hoskand is not an option. It will blow up MMS life and many others. What’s done is done. I will always have feelings for MM but we are both at a place where we are moving on. If this really is your primary motivation for not telling the truth, then I fear you have bigger fish to fry than disentangling your families. It seems MM has your heart, and if that is the case, why are you bothered about continuing the charade with your husband? Whether you tell him the truth or not, wouldn't it be better for you to leave him so he can find someone who loves him, and for you to find someone you love (whether it be MM or someone else)? Life is too short for pretending. I really can't see a way you can disentangle from MM and his family without telling the truth. Surely your husband will have questions, especially if he ever suspected anything in the past. Cutting people out from your life for no discernible reason will raise giant red flags. The same applies for your kids. They are less likely to accept BS excuses as to why they can't see their friends anymore, and depending on their age, will likely press the issue leaving it no chance to just recede into the background. The issue will always be there until it is dealt with. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 Telling my husband is not an option. Well you play the game and you get burnt. You're asking a forum how to, as you call it disengage, then when told the answer you say it's not an option. So now you have to do something sneaky to "disengage" or you'll just have to suck it up and fake everything with this constant remainder of what you did hanging over your head. Also the real possibility of falling back into the affair. Enjoy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CardsFan01 Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 Lot of harsh replies in this thread. I’ve been in a similar situation. I don’t believe you need to move. If the relationship really is over, things will get easier over. If you really don’t want your husband to know, totally disengaging will look extremely suspicious. I would recommend slowly scaling back, and letting time heal some wounds. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 Maybe I missed information you posted, but based on what I've read from you so far- This is merely a break. A gap of sorts in this ongoing affair. Continuing close relations with MM and his family practically guarantee that sooner or later, the pair of you will resume the affair. So, I have some questions for you. Who ended the affair and why? In an ideal world, what would be your ideal outcome? Are you interested in staying in your marriage? Is there any closeness at all between you and your spouse? I ask because I find it hard to believe that hiding a 6 year affair is possible when there is any closeness, fondness and attachment between spouses. You ask how to disengage, but imo you are facing a much broader question. What is it you want out of life? Not telling your husband because you want to protect MM might harm you in the ling run. Mind you, I am not judging you. I have come to learn that it is possible to love more than one person. I am saying that you need to make your decision based o your interests, not his. He will be looking out for himself, count on it. Technically, I am sure you can disengage if you really want to. Friendships change and fade out, especially those based on the children being friends. I just don't believe that this is truly the issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 Oh boy... I wondered how your saga was going to play out. Well, if you can't tell your husband, I say buck up butter cup. You were able to keep your love affair a secret during all those vacations, BBQs shared life intermingling your families - well, then keep your discontent and feelings about the break up a secret as well. Got to pay to play right? If smothering your emotions (which you were able to keep from display when you two were banging right?) is the only consequence you have to pay, then its a tiny one. I say play the charade. You can't get a fresh start here because its convenient for YOU. You don't get to blow up everyone's lives now, because this part is uncomfortable, rather than sex and fun like you had in the past. Choices? Suffer in silence (and make sure to keep your mood up! Hubby and kids should NOT suffer for this), or fess up, and everyone gets to pay the price for the bad behavior of you and the MM. The thing is, she hasn't been able to keep it secret, her husband knows and confronted her. So her family is already suffering from her affair. Her REAL motivation is fear that confession would actually be the death blow to the affair which is still her number one priority. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 MM and I have broken up after a 6 year work place affair. Here’s the kicker though... our families are all very close, kids are best friends, all of our social activities involve his family. What do I do? My husband always kind of suspected something going on but never confronted him only me. I denied it. Anyways.. I feel like we really need to start fresh and disassociate with his family. How do I do that? Almost every weekend we have social plans with them and vacations etc.. it’s a mess. I'd say you both bare the burden of disengaging. If you want it to end without telling your spouses the truth, then put your foot down. Tell the MM it's over, no further contact. It's his burden to figure out his wife and kids not coming around, as it is your burden with your family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 If you truly want the affair to be over you have to go NC with the OM. How you do that is all on you. Find a new job on the other side of the country for a start. Though for you to stop banging the OM you still having contact with the OM is still you having an affair with the OM. To continue your family and BH to socializing with the OM is you still rubbing the affair with the OM in your BH's face. You letting your BH believe that you did not cheat with the OM is you continuing to lie to your BH that you did not have an affair with the OM after your BH asked you. You need to confess to your BH, leave that job, move your family far away. You danced now it is time for you to pay the band. Now is not the time to complain about how much it the band is costing you now. It is call consequences. Please do not let your BH continue to live his life based on your lies. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 (edited) Well, considering that it's too late to go back and make a different decision, not to have an affair with a close family friend who is in your life on a daily basis... Your options are simply; tell your husband, move, or deal with it. Every decision has it's consequence. As my dear mother would tell us when we were children, "when you play, you pay." You are now having to deal with the consequence of your decision. Good luck. Edited January 30, 2018 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 So you lied when your H suspected an affair...? You want to know how to disengaged? Tell your husband you've been having an affair with this MM for 6 years! Tell him he was right when he suspected. THAT is how you end an affair when you REALLY want it to end!! Stop playing your husband for a fool. Get honest! 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 (edited) Who decided to end this LTA and why? Mutual? If it truly was a mutual decision you have better odds of moving on. If MM were jealous bunny boiler you chances would be about zero. I hope you two are not only on the same page but on the same word in the same sentence. It seems you and MM have mastered the art of cheating, lying and most importantly, silence. Do you honestly believe he’ll remain silent forever? You have to ease away from MM and his BW. Decline some invitations for example. Will your H miss their company? Please tell us you don’t pretend to be best friends with BW. Does she suspect the LTA? Start looking for a different job. At least you two lovebirds won’t be tempted on a daily basis This mess is a three way disaster. Work, friends and kids. I don’t know how many other lives are entangled in this mess without their knowledge or approval. But it’s your burden to minimize the fallout. Edited January 30, 2018 by Bufo Added last paragraph 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Ya know - the first rule of engagement is: Do NOT engage Follow that rule and there's no issue. Stop planning weekend social get togethers Get a new job And just say no to anyone that suggests you see him. IF any interaction is necessary the ONLY answers need to be: Yes or no Nothing further than that. Link to post Share on other sites
AutumnMoon Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 Things are likely to pick back up again if you stay in contact in anyway . Especially with men.. things are out of sight out of mind for them, so as long as he doesn't see you he may not contact you but when he does... My situation is similar but we are not ending it, if you need to talk I'm here. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Savannah: I went back and read some of your other threads to refresh myself on your story. In so doing, we can see the multiple attempts to end this affair, and then the inevitable return to it over the course of years. He has treated you miserably and you've allowed it for all this time. I really can't overstate the value of some counseling for you around these issues. A question: What makes this break-up different? If you take the same actions each time it's "over" you're going to have the same results. It's clear that this person is not a friend. Not to you, or your husband. Nor is he a good partner to his wife. Why would you want to keep someone like this in your life, even as a friend? If you can't be honest with your husband about the reason, then just do a slow fade. I agree, also, with the previous poster who said it's the MM's problem how to explain it to his family. You need only explain it to yours. Get this creep out of your life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 If you can’t/won’t tell your BH the truth, you better come up with a plausible excuse for why you don’t want to socialize with MM and BW. Since you work together, you could use some work issue as cover. “There was an issue at work and he didn’t have my back. He isn’t a true friend”. Of course that’s a lie but your first goal should be to get out of infidelity. Then you get to deal with the guilt and eventual disclosure. Don’t wait for long if you hope to salvage your M. If not, leave it at the lie. Time for serious introspection has arrived. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Savannah: I went back and read some of your other threads to refresh myself on your story. In so doing, we can see the multiple attempts to end this affair, and then the inevitable return to it over the course of years. He has treated you miserably and you've allowed it for all this time. I really can't overstate the value of some counseling for you around these issues. A question: What makes this break-up different? If you take the same actions each time it's "over" you're going to have the same results. It's clear that this person is not a friend. Not to you, or your husband. Nor is he a good partner to his wife. Why would you want to keep someone like this in your life, even as a friend? If you can't be honest with your husband about the reason, then just do a slow fade. I agree, also, with the previous poster who said it's the MM's problem how to explain it to his family. You need only explain it to yours. Get this creep out of your life. As Savannah hasn't posted since Jan 28th I suspect she is already back in the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 As Savannah hasn't posted since Jan 28th I suspect she is already back in the affair. I hope not, for her sake. IIRC, this was the guy she was giving bjs to in his office. That image makes me so sad because that’s really what mine wanted too. Some of these men just want unpaid whores. Once mine said jokingly he wanted to make me his sex slave. In retrospect, I don’t think he was joking. Your self esteem has to be at rock bottom to accept this kind of treatment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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