stillyoung Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 We're middle aged, dating for a while and I have 2 young kids. He is usually very good with them and kind of laid back in general. Lots of good things. But I think he has idea that women should never get mad or annoyed or any type of negative emotion. I am usually pretty calm and stay on an even keel with kids, working, etc. But if there is a situation where I express any possible negative feeling, all hell breaks loose. It's always the stupidest things too!! but they blow up. He is usually helpful and I am usually very thankful but he was cleaning up and I said, where's my shirt? I was going to wear it, and I'm all annoyed I can't find it. Not at him, just that I can't find it. If I say that to the kids, they go I'll help you look. With him though he says so you're blaming me, never again am I going to help you clean, I do so much for you and all you do is criticize, etc. etc. I said, can't I just be annoyed, it's not about you, yet everything becomes about him. He's a no-boundaries person, he will just eat all food no matter whose it is, drink anyone's soda just whichever is closest, grab anyone's towels in the shower, even wear my sweatshirt or the kids' flip flops. Kids and I don't like that but if you say so, you are just selfish and don't you know he'd share anything he owns and why are we all criticizing everything he does. then it escalates to, fine, I'll just bring my own food and I won't bother helping with any chores because I'll just mess them up and make things worse for you. I'm starting to think he is on purpose trying to escalate things. I can say, I spent 20 min looking for my keys and I was late, look, just keep track of where you move my stuff around. That becomes, so you're saying I ruined your day and I can't be trusted with your stuff. Well I'll never take your car ever again. I got to the point where I just groan and roll my eyes, and say did you even listen to me. But he's going to drop off my keys tonight because he really messes up everything and he can tell when he's not wanted and he knows staying away will make me happier.... groan/eye roll. This all sounds so stupid and trivial when I write it down. But it permeates every interaction. How do I get us to snap out of the escalating fights. I feel like its high school all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Lexxy Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 I think what you should do is distance yourself when he does something he knows or should know that you don't like. Eventually he should catch on how often he makes you unhappy and should try to stop doing those inconsiderate things. If not, he's not willing to change or feels like he shouldn't have to. I MEAN, he's already being very disrespectful but at least you're trying to give him a chance to realize how rude he's being. It's all you can do. If he doesn't change, then maybe leave or take a break and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 It's not stupid and trivial. Rather, he would be infuriating to live with. Such a lack of boundaries and personal responsibility would do my head in. Problem is, this is who he is. Perhaps marriage counselling would help him see further than his own needs. That said, he sounds like the kind of guy who wouldn't go. You say you're middle aged. What's his marital history? Does he have exes who couldn't live with him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 Yeah, it's not trivial. He might be narcissistic or something. Narcissists can never be guilty of ANYTHING. Even the smallest thing is a huge insult to them. And never wait for an apology. I read a recent article that said the only amends they might ever make is doing something nice for you when deep down they know they messed up, but not ever admit they're wrong. You can't go through life with a guy with no boundaries because you have kids in the house modeling after him. Also, it's a lot of disrespect and also he just sounds crazy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stillyoung Posted January 29, 2018 Author Share Posted January 29, 2018 He is widowed. I was friends with his wife years back, and I saw how they interacted so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. They didn't communicate directly, it was a lot of withdrawing and pouting and things when one didn't get their way. They got married real young so I always kind of thought that was the reason. I thought he'd kind of grow out of it with a new person. Anyway, so that's why I don't want to do the acting distant kind of thing. I'm just too old for that, I just want to communicate directly. if someone criticizes me, I take it seriously and try to be conscious of it in future conversations, I don't get all mad at them and say, well I guess you don't want me around do you, etc. and pout for a while. My family now, and back to even my siblings, we never did the pouting kind of things. Maybe some anger or calling someone a jerk, but when a person does the self pity thing or "if you really loved me, you would....etc etc " I just have no clue what to do. I just don't know how to deal with the drama. He said he's bringing the keys back, so I told him where to leave them, and he goes, I guess I'll f*** that up too, since I always f things up for you. Really?? More drama.... Link to post Share on other sites
LilySun Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 This sounds miserable. He is making mountains out of every mole hill. And yes, makes everything about himself. This isn't the type of person you can talk to about it, either, because he would find a way to turn it around on you as the bad guy. You're in a tough spot 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 stillyoung, Quite frankly he's childish and immature. It seems he's been allowed to get away with this adolescent behaviour for years. He won't change because there isn't any reason for him to change. He get what he wants because you put up with his high-school drama and antics. But he's going to drop off my keys tonight because he really messes up everything and he can tell when he's not wanted and he knows staying away will make me happier.... groan/eye roll. This ^^^ is probably the best thing he can do for you. Sorry x I agree with others that you don't want your kids to see some guy behaving like a drama queen and disrespecting their mom. Imagine what it would be like if they start to copy him and then you're living with 3 divas? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stillyoung Posted January 29, 2018 Author Share Posted January 29, 2018 So I he didn't show up, he's not bringing the keys. I realized this has happened before. He will go, oh I never really meant that, I was just mad, look I get mad, fuss a bit then I am over it. I'll say, you were determined to gine me those keys. He will say something like, so I guess you really want to break up? Tell me if you do, I will do whatever makes you happy. Or something like that. You know, he got over it, all is well again. I'm embarrassed to say we've been through this game before. i never wanted to end it, there is actually a lot of good in him, I was just hoping it was a matter of maturity, he'd learn a more constructive way of doing things. I've said directly, I cant deal with this kind of behavior long term, that's why I never had him move in although we spent a lot of time together. So if I hold him to returning the keys and cancelling the joint phone plan and all those miscellaneous things he will paint me,as the bad guy. I had a contentious divorce and it plays to my fears that I am doing the wrong things in relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 He is widowed. I was friends with his wife years back, and I saw how they interacted so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. They didn't communicate directly, it was a lot of withdrawing and pouting and things when one didn't get their way. They got married real young so I always kind of thought that was the reason. I thought he'd kind of grow out of it with a new person. Anyway, so that's why I don't want to do the acting distant kind of thing. I'm just too old for that, I just want to communicate directly. if someone criticizes me, I take it seriously and try to be conscious of it in future conversations, I don't get all mad at them and say, well I guess you don't want me around do you, etc. and pout for a while. My family now, and back to even my siblings, we never did the pouting kind of things. Maybe some anger or calling someone a jerk, but when a person does the self pity thing or "if you really loved me, you would....etc etc " I just have no clue what to do. I just don't know how to deal with the drama. He said he's bringing the keys back, so I told him where to leave them, and he goes, I guess I'll f*** that up too, since I always f things up for you. Really?? More drama.... he is not going to stick around if you point out, or accuse him, of drama - ha! What does he say about YOU behind your back? srsly, have a guess or two Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 So if I hold him to returning the keys and cancelling the joint phone plan and all those miscellaneous things he will paint me,as the bad guy. I had a contentious divorce and it plays to my fears that I am doing the wrong things in relationships. Yes, it's likely he will blame you because he isn't able to take personal responsibility. But you know that what you're expecting of him isn't too much to ask of a grown man. Have faith in yourself and your decisions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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