What do you think about working with your SO? Would you do it?

[Casper.]

Hey,

I posted here last spring. That thread. Long story short I'd started dating a girl (now 23) who id recently met and who was grieving the very - very - recent loss of her parents in a car accident.

 

She obviously took control of her parents estate, they were a fairly wealthy middle class family and her dad ran a successful landscape & architecture company which my gf was working in and has now taken over running. She also took on the role of looking after her (now 12 year old) sister.

 

I'm 25, I was in the army for 7 years from the age of 16 before i was medically discharged. It was a career path i fell into but I loved, didn't really know what to do as a civvy but I started working at an outdoor activity centre for kids and teens, which I've enjoyed but there's been some big changes recently at work which means ive been 'semi seriously' looking at other options for the last couple of months, just not sure what really...

 

Anyway, my gf approached me the other day and basically said that she wants me to think about joining her in the business, working with her so to speak...

She thinks it makes perfect sense, i was looking for a new job anyway and shes struggling with her workload but stressing about having to find the right person to take on...

 

She's right in that there are certainly pros...

 

BUT I'm in love with the girl, this is the most serious I've ever been about anyone, ever! I don't want to screw up our relationship for the sake of a job... I got some really good advice on here before so what do you guys think about working with or for a partner?

 

I'd love to help her, it'd for sure be a good career move for me and we'd have work in common, we'd be able to spend more time together.... which sounds great but, i already practically live at hers, and people always say that you shouldn't live and work together don't they, that it kills the relationship, and it's not like this is a business we've started together, its her family business... i feel like maybe its just too soon, maybe it'd just over complicate what we have, when what we have is really good.

 

Sooo i'm thinking i should probably say no, but what do you think, am i just being stupid?

[Mr. Lucky]

working with her so to speak...

 

You mean working FOR her, right?

 

If she's running the business, she's the boss - which makes you an employee. Which means you'll have to negotiate everything from wages to your schedule.

 

I can tell you from experience, you're seriously underestimating the potential for relationship damage. If you think she's the "one", then there are more jobs than soulmates out there. I'd keep looking...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Don't. Whoever is the boss becomes a sort of parental figure and that's a sex killer. More things to fight about. Too much competition. Just don't. Anyway, if you're ever going to mix business, wait until you're married. But it will still put a strain.

[todreaminblue]

I once said to my ex wouldn't it be cool if we could work together,we could have a little farm, work on it together we could make money by living off the land, we would always have food and a home(we had a large family together) and often had to move around renting....and i have some serious skills in agriculture and i can make things and i love recycling and sustainable living.... i thought it was perfect...worst idea ever apparently.....no couple should work together he said you get sick of each other he said ...its a bad idea and i would never do it he said....lol...ahem..... here's the kicker ...he left me for someone he worked with and when they actually experienced problems in their relationship and drifted apart and eventually broke up it was when she got another job somewhere else....i have no comment....smilin..i hodl no grudges...we are friends now

 

a lot of people might tell you its a bad idea but many years ago family run businesses are common mum and dad stores etc....farms are still run this way....family run and they get passed on although a lot of farmers kids no longer want to have that life its bloody hard work.....and fraught with possible natural calamities.....but still families work those farms.....and they stay together ...the mum and dad side by side....

 

 

i do believe it is possible to work a business together....or a farm ...but you have to be as committed ....as you would if you weren't working together....just because you are married or together doesnt mean the work is any different .....shows of affection if you are on a farm it might be fine to get a little fresh in the chicken coop....lol..ok chicken coop is not a good space to be fresh in...stables...but in a professional space you need no pda...keep pda for the car ride on the way home....

 

i reckon go for it....and i wish you all the best......deb

[Popsicle]

I vote NO. You're relationship is good now and this could potentially rock that boat if you go to work for her. If I were you, I'd more seriously look for another job. Maybe even go back to school.

[d0nnivain]

Working with maybe. Working for, no way, no how. You can either be her BF (an equal) or you can be her employee (a subordinate). You can't be both & she'd be a fool to let you because when you break up she'd be setting herself up for a sexual harassment lawsuit.

 

That said, once or twice year DH comes to the business I own & does some heavy lifting -- taking old files home & moving big furniture so we can vacuum under cabinets etc. That's maybe 2 days out of a year.

[O'Malley]

It will better for her and the company to hire someone with the requisite experience that has the ability to handle the responsibilities from the get go, and it will be better for you to find your footing in another job, without feeling indebted to her.

 

There will be a lot of stress and constructive criticism required to be a subordinate, especially in a company that has seen a major transition in stewardship in the last year, so it will be difficult to separate your work load from your personal lives. Having that "me" time apart from your partner, whether it's free time or at work, is healthy in any relationship. You can still be supportive of her and her efforts.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I would advise against this. I've worked for family for the last 6+ years and what started out as great has become very difficult for me. I deal with a lot of resentment due to being taken advantage of (monetarily). I work for my sis and her husband, who also work together, and the strain on their relationship is great as well, but they also homeschool and there are other issues. But I don't think how they NEVER get a break from each other is healthy.

[Casper.]

Yeah, thanks guys! This is pretty much what I figured!

 

She's half greek and I think maybe in that culture its more common place than over here! Her parents both worked together in the business and her only other family, her aunt and uncle, who still live in greece, they work together and own a little ice cream parlour. It's great that it worked for them, but i don't think its right for us.... Not in such a new relationship... especially a relationship where we've already dealt with a fair amount of mismatch within a relationship - I know I'm punching. Hard. I'm cool with earning less, that doesnt matter to me - but I dont want her to feel like she's looking after me, I dont want to be another thing she has to look after!

 

Working with maybe. Working for, no way, no how. You can either be her BF (an equal) or you can be her employee (a subordinate).

Ayeee, true true!!

 

That said, once or twice year DH comes to the business I own & does some heavy lifting -- taking old files home & moving big furniture so we can vacuum under cabinets etc.

Right, but thats different isnt it! I've been to some building sites for her because she's needed in the office and she can't physically be in two places at once. Which i think is why she's come up with the idea. But it's different because thats as a favour!

 

There will be a lot of stress and constructive criticism required to be a subordinate' date=' especially in a company that has seen a major transition in stewardship in the last year, so it will be difficult to separate your work load from your personal lives.[/quote']

Righttttt! And the qualities you love in your boyfriend arent necessarily the qualities you want in your employee right!?

For a fact i know im nothing like the guys she employees at the moment, they are all so... corporate, and im so.. not!

 

If I were you, I'd more seriously look for another job. Maybe even go back to school.

I think i've not done either because i just have no idea what i want to do! I fell into being a soldier, literally cause my twin sister found out she was pregnant, at 16, and there was no one else about to step up and provide for them so i enlisted..... and then i absolutely loved it, like it was the only thing ive ever been good at, maybe even excelled at! I was a good soldier!

But hey ho, things change! If id never of got injured then, I'd never of met her so i guess stuff does work out for the best in the end!

 

f you think she's the "one", then there are more jobs than soulmates out there. I'd keep looking...

Ah, for sure she's much more important than any job!

[Casper.]

I once said to my ex wouldn't it be cool if we could work together,we could have a little farm, work on it together we could make money by living off the land, we would always have food and a home

Sounds lush! The simple life, ay!?

 

Its more than just a job something like that though, isnt it, its a whole lifestyle!

[todreaminblue]

Sounds lush! The simple life, ay!?

 

Its more than just a job something like that though, isnt it, its a whole lifestyle!

 

i think it is casper, i feel its a rewarding and satisfying life..... it is a whole lifestyle its not just a job you see a return from quickly either...takes years to establish farming....not so much about the money........sustainable living and or permaculture roots takes time and pure commitment to flourish.A lifestyle you can pass on to family though...

 

I love the idea of family run businesses.... with the world the way it is today families hardly get to spend any time together having a family business together allows you to be with your loved ones....

 

no one should take advantage of anyone including family....its still work....and if you are a good person ...then you wouldnt even dream of taking advantage of the family position or anyone for that matter..

 

 

...if you are a bad person then it doesnt matter if its family or not ...you would take advantage of them......the ethics and moral responsibilities remain the same family or no family....its team work....and doing your job to the best of your ability or leadership position you are part of the team....no one should feel superior...

 

i do understand why people are hesitant though to live and work together....im just one who likes the mom and pop businesses over large franchises and big business...and i notice when businesses are run like family and treat employees as such..i think it works......when i can...i support the small family run businesses...i want them so much to succeed.....i guess i just differ in opinion on this thread....its good to see other perceptions though....head it the clouds watching for blue skies deb perception added to the mix.... ....deb....

Edited January 29, 2018 by todreaminblue

[Aiuta le mani]

Hey man! Thanks for sharing here! Let me share my perspective! My wife and I have been married for 15 years and we have worked on multiples projects and initiatives together. We even worked at the same company for 3 years. It definitively can be challenging to establish the right work-life balance when you work with your partner but some people can achieve it! I see that you are thinking very seriously about this relationship! If you are, why do you ask her to marry you? Having a committed relationship changes the perspective when you join a venture as equal partners! Think about what you are willing to give and give up to have a healthy relationship and make your decision my friend! Keep moving forward!

[RecentChange]

For me it would be a no.

 

I would not want to work for or with my husband, and I would not want him to work for or with me.

 

The rest of our lives are so intermeshed, I really wouldn't want to complicate it by combining our professional lives.

[Casper.]

i think it is casper, i feel its a rewarding and satisfying life..... it is a whole lifestyle its not just a job you see a return from quickly either...takes years to establish farming....not so much about the money........sustainable living and or permaculture roots takes time and pure commitment to flourish.A lifestyle you can pass on to family though...

Aye true! I guess it goes back to being a culture thing doesn't it! In rural communities its very normal for farms and business to be family run, and to be working alongside your SO, and probably your extended family too!

Like i say, my other halfs remaining family live out in Greece and they run a ice cream parlour, but we went out there a few months ago and literally almost all the little cafes and restaurants are family run and know each other, its just the culture out there!

I think it does depend on the type of business though.

 

its still work....and if you are a good person ...then you wouldnt even dream of taking advantage of the family position or anyone for that matter..

...if you are a bad person then it doesnt matter if its family or not ...you would take advantage of them

True!

[Casper.]

I see that you are thinking very seriously about this relationship! If you are, why do you ask her to marry you?

Gee, man, I'd marry her tomorrow if she wanted! Honestly I'd of married her yesterday!

But, I'm just trying to be sensible haha! We havent been together all that long and it's been a super super hard time for her, it still is a difficult time she's still dealing with a massive loss and her whole life has changed so much so quickly!

I was nervous from the off that the circumstances would make it hard for our relationship to progress, but i actually think it maybe bonded us together more rather than pushing us apart, and im super happy that was the case, but I just so dont want to mess stuff up by pushing too hard too fast... I've waited my whole life for something to feel this right, to feel so sure of something - I can wait a little longer!

 

Plus like her aunt and uncle who live out in Greece havent been mad supportive of our relationship up till now. Which i can understand, they want to protect their nieces at a time when they are potentially quite vulnerable! I'm not out to get anything, I'd never hurt them, but her family aren't to know that, hopefully they'll just come to see that in time! But i think if i proposed it'd set of alarm bells for them - there's a big financial mismatch between me and my gf.

 

I know what ring i want to get though.. so id be lying if i said i hadn't thought about it

 

Having a committed relationship changes the perspective when you join a venture as equal partners!

Yeah very true! So maybe the jobs a not now, but not never, kinda deal?

[Aiuta le mani]

Gee, man, I'd marry her tomorrow if she wanted! Honestly I'd of married her yesterday!

But, I'm just trying to be sensible haha! We havent been together all that long and it's been a super super hard time for her, it still is a difficult time she's still dealing with a massive loss and her whole life has changed so much so quickly!

I was nervous from the off that the circumstances would make it hard for our relationship to progress, but i actually think it maybe bonded us together more rather than pushing us apart, and im super happy that was the case, but I just so dont want to mess stuff up by pushing too hard too fast... I've waited my whole life for something to feel this right, to feel so sure of something - I can wait a little longer!

 

Plus like her aunt and uncle who live out in Greece havent been mad supportive of our relationship up till now. Which i can understand, they want to protect their nieces at a time when they are potentially quite vulnerable! I'm not out to get anything, I'd never hurt them, but her family aren't to know that, hopefully they'll just come to see that in time! But i think if i proposed it'd set of alarm bells for them - there's a big financial mismatch between me and my gf.

 

I know what ring i want to get though.. so id be lying if i said i hadn't thought about it

 

 

Yeah very true! So maybe the jobs a not now, but not never, kinda deal?

 

Got it! Well! I see that you have given some serious thought to this and that is really good! And yes, maybe not now (which does not mean that you cannot help occasionally, which I am sure that you are already doing!) but not never! One thing that is important is that if you think that she is the woman of your life, don’t let go! Be very honest when you explain to her why you are making your choices and constantly reinforce how you feel about her! Keep moving forward my friend!

[Casper.]

Got it! Well! I see that you have given some serious thought to this and that is really good! And yes, maybe not now (which does not mean that you cannot help occasionally, which I am sure that you are already doing!) but not never! One thing that is important is that if you think that she is the woman of your life, don’t let go! Be very honest when you explain to her why you are making your choices and constantly reinforce how you feel about her! Keep moving forward my friend!

Sorry man, i didnt see this!

 

Yeah absolutely, i dont want her to think im saying never, or that im saying no because im not 100% in this relationship. The truth of it is that im saying no because I am so 'in this', i want to do the best thing for our relationship!

 

One thing that is important is that if you think that she is the woman of your life, don’t let go!

That is my plan dude! That is my plan!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Well, you're doing great here but another aspect of this is that she has a twelve-year-old sister who may one day join the business. The implications of that, who knows?

 

I say make your own way...at least until after you've been married awhile.

[BaileyB]

Considering that one of the concerns her extended family had about the timing of your relationship was that you were after her money and looking to exploit the situation... I would think long and hard about how this would be perceived by her family.

 

I would also urge you to remember the fact that you will be looking for another job if/when his relationship doesn't work out.

 

My grandfather built a business that was taken over by my father and his brother. Let's see what I remember from my childhood... There was the Christmas when my uncle was not invited, there were years that my dad didn't talk with my uncle, there were frequent changes to my grandfather's will and lots of tension about how the estate would be divided. And, those are the big things I remember. There were lots of little things that I never knew... That is how I learned, family businesses are not always a good idea.

 

You can certainly be supportive of her by helping to ease her workload, but I wouldn't advise you to go on the payroll.

Edited February 11, 2018 by BaileyB

[Casper.]

Well, you're doing great here but another aspect of this is that she has a twelve-year-old sister who may one day join the business. The implications of that, who knows?

True... I mean my gf certainly never saw a future for herself in her dads company when she was a kid, life takes you places you dont always see right!?

 

 

Considering that one of the concerns her extended family had about the timing of your relationship was that you were after her money and looking to exploit the situation... I would think long and hard about how this would be perceived by her family.

Yeah exactly! I know exactly how it'll be perceived and i know that she thinks it doesnt matter but I don't want her extended family to hate me, y'know?

 

That is how I learned, family businesses are not always a good idea

Yeah that makes sense! ...I love her, and i also love the realtionship we have, I don't want to risk that by involving this whole other massive elelment!

 

Plus. y'know, I'm not sure I was ever really born to wear a suit and shiny shoes, and go to work in an office were they employ someone to water your desk plant :lmao: I know that she believes in me and has big faith in my abilities but the sole reason i care about her business is because she cares, and i care about her - im not sure that makes me the best business choice - not against guys that go to uni and train for years for a job like that, for a career like that, y'know!

[Rockdad]

In my 30+ yr career I have seen working with a spouse attempted several times. Off hand I don't recall it ever being successful except for a time or two. My wife has worked for me for 22 yrs, we have been together for 20 yrs of that. I married my office manager.

 

We are together nearly 27/7 and wouldn't have it any other way. We work very well together plus our personalities groove well together but it's not for everyone. Most don't want to spend that amount of time side by side.

Learning to leave work at work when it's your own business is a learning curve often failed at.

[mikeylo]

Don't do it.

 

Keep profession and love separate. Remember she is in a very vulnerable state.Be an emotional support and don't feed on her.

 

Find a different job.

 

OTOH, it would be different if roles were swapped.It is what it is.

[Casper.]

Learning to leave work at work when it's your own business is a learning curve often failed at.

Yeah totally... and i think in some ways I'm a big break for her from that side of her life.. We talk about her work a bit but not loads, she doesnt wanna stress about it in her time away from it (which is a trap i believe her dad fell into) and I'm pretty good for that - I'm very different from the guys she works with.

 

Don't do it.

Keep profession and love separate. Remember she is in a very vulnerable state.Be an emotional support and don't feed on her.

Find a different job.

Yeah yeah, like i dont want to 'feed on her' for anything, I do have a job already and i can get another one and i just need to work out what i want to do. I don't particularly see myself working see myself in a suit and tie anyways. But she seemed to think it'd help her out and i didn't want to send the wrong message by saying no, y'know, like im not not committed, im just not sure its the best thing for our relationship.

 

OTOH, it would be different if roles were swapped.It is what it is.

You think so? Whys that?