is she right??

[sanjose]

I have been divorced for about 3 years. Was married for 22 years. There was no physical or emotional connection from both of us. I wasn't leaving her for another woman. I just wasn't happy with the way things were and how I felt towards her. I wanted to try a 6 month separation before going through a divorce. We went to MC and we each had a IC that we saw. It wasn't working and I still wanted to try a separation for 6 months. She didn't so eventually I left. She filed for the divorce a week later. Once the divorce was filed, I felt that it was a sign that it was what we both inevitably wanted I guess. Our kids were older (26, 24, 20). After she filed for divorce, I tried reaching out to them. They never responded. They only heard her side. It's been 3 years and they still will not speak to me. I text, send birthday, Christmas gifts, etc. I'm not even sure if they're getting them. My ex said that they don't want to speak to me and to leave them alone - several times(I'm waiting to hear it from them to see if it's true). She said that I have hurt them, lied to them, humiliated them. She said what I did to them was unforgivable. I never got a chance to tell them that it was between their mother and me and had nothing to do with them. I still take care of some of their finances (car ins., health ins, school loans that kind of stuff) After 3 years, I'm starting to think that maybe she is right - maybe what I did was unforgivable. At least in their eyes - I left their mother. So my question is - is she right??

[Marc878]

Did you speak to the kids about the separation/divorce beforehand?

 

Were you close to them growing up?

 

You can't force anyone to do anything.

[sanjose]

I spoke with them briefly about it. Yes, I was very close to them. Was involved in everything in their lives.

[Marc878]

Then there is no reason for them to ignore you.

 

It sounds like your X may have poisoned the well.

 

About all you can do is get their contacts and reach out.

 

I would not have your X in this. Keep it independent of her. That maybe your problem.

 

You should be able to find their contact info on the Internet.

 

They are all adults so you can't make them do anything.

 

Time may dissipate this as well.

[amelia0607]

Personally, I wouldn't give up on my children regardless of their ages and I don't understand their behavior unless she has said some very negative things about you personally. They grew up in that home and they saw the relationship for themselves. I would track each one of them down and try to speak to them face-to-face. Good luck!!

[Mr. Lucky]

Our kids were older (26, 24, 20). After she filed for divorce, I tried reaching out to them. They never responded. They only heard her side. It's been 3 years and they still will not speak to me. I text, send birthday, Christmas gifts, etc. I'm not even sure if they're getting them. My ex said that they don't want to speak to me and to leave them alone - several times(I'm waiting to hear it from them to see if it's true). She said that I have hurt them, lied to them, humiliated them. She said what I did to them was unforgivable. I never got a chance to tell them that it was between their mother and me and had nothing to do with them.

 

Were you faithful for the entire marriage? Was your ex?

 

There has to be some missing information here. If you were indeed an involved Dad and your ex as dramatic and unreasonable as you make her out to be, adult children would not be sucked in to this degree. How were they hurt and humiliated?

 

Something doesn't make sense...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

Your children are adults. If you have been reaching out, they owe you the simple politeness of a response.

 

I would call them individually & try to set up a face to face meeting. Tell them they are free to tell you how they feel but just because you divorced their mother doesn't mean you divorced them. Beg for the chance to have them hear you & to try to heal the rift.

 

Your wife is wrong I suspect she poisoned the well.

[Mittens]

I can give some advice from my experience...I was the adult child in the story.

 

My parents split when I was 21 (when I was on honeymoon) I came home to find WW3 had broken out. My father left my mother for another woman. I have two brothers, one a year older and one 3 years younger...so this was the year he had turned 18, and was therefore an adult. I'm pretty sure my father waited until then so my mother would have to sell the family home...

 

Anyway, my mother comprehensively 'poisoned the well'...as the only girl I was in the unenviable position of being the depository for all the bitterness and bile my mother felt towards my father - especially as she blamed me getting married for 'making my father feel old' (he was 42) and therefore making him have the affair....a view that my mother still holds to this day, 29 years later.

 

I'd barely had a relationship as it was with my father for a decade before he left anyway. He worked abroad all of that time and barely ever bothered to come home. I think in the 5 years beforehand he'd been home for the grand total of 3 months. My mother was more or less a single parent that whole time, and to be honest she was a far easier person to get on with when he was away.

 

So when my mother demanded that we drop all contact with my father after he left, I was so immature, such a people pleaser that it was far easier to go along with it. I hadn't wanted to get married in the first place - I knew I was too young, but my mother had told me that if I lived with my then boyfriend she would disown me. So I was dealing with the stress of a marriage I didn't want, my parents marriage ending and work/health stresses on top of that. I just couldn't deal with any more drama and keeping in touch with my father would have created more. I was too immature to realise that I could have had a relationship with him that my mother didn't need to know about.

 

My father didn't try particularly hard to keep in touch, either. He made one very awkward phone call to me about 3 weeks after he left....I was so freaked out I changed my home number and went ex directory (this was in 1989, so before cell phones). He had my address but never bothered sending anything through the post. He ended up working abroad again and for a good 15 years I had no idea where in the world he was, or even if he was still alive. The last I heard was 7 years ago, that he was back in the UK and had married the woman he left my mother for. I've heard nothing since. He could be dead for all I know...

 

Anyway...yes, you are probably right. Your ex wife probably has poisoned the well. You have been doing the right thing with sending cards, etc. I wouldn't take your ex wife's word as gospel that the children don't want any contact with you. However, I would send another letter advising them that if you don't hear back, you will take it as a sign they'd rather no contact for now...but I would also include an address for a solicitor/lawyer/family member that they can write to if they need contact in the future - someone that will always be able to pass any message on.

 

Don't put any blame on their mother for the situation in any communication you send them...don't mention her at all. Your ex wife doesn't have any part to play now in you trying to rebuild a connection with them.

[sanjose]

Thank you Mittens. I appreciate your feedback. Sorry you had to go through that. I did not leave my wife for another woman although they may have been told that...I don't know. I will answer any questions that they may have if we do reconnect but I wouldn't bad mouth their mother. I would hope that I would be better than that. What happened between me and their mother is just that...between me and their mother. And if my relationship with my children is rebuilt..it will be just that...between me and them. In one message my ex sent me, she stated that they were not my children. That kind of leads me to believe that the well was, in fact, poisoned.

[RecentChange]

Is there any reason for your children to be humiliated?

 

Three years is a long time to pass.... It doesn't make any sense for them to suddenly not talk to again, after being an involved father.

 

When did the silence start?