difficult birthday

[darkmoon]

there is a birthday dinner coming up in a couple of months, between a few of us friends, all over 50, one of the ppl attending is somebody I do not like at all

 

I texted her a few weeks ago about just saying hello and goodbye at the dinner, and if she has any residual issues with me to call me ahead of the dinner, not to have a crap dinner, or drag others into our issues publicly, to other ppl, I just explain that we were never close friends in the first place

 

ok, so I texted all that a few weeks ago, and she never called, good

 

but I know what she is like, so I will be texting her a just before the dinner again, as she will kicks off at the dinner if not, and that her not calling me was about controlling me, not going along with my needs

 

she displays full blown narcissist behaviour, I have looked into it, control, expectations, gaslighting, aggression...

 

she organised 2 of my birthday dinners, not great evenings, and ones I did not ask for, both to narc at me I now

realize

 

my intuition tells me to just chalk her to experience, and also to tell her that she does my head in if she talks to me, so she will say the same back (I know her well), good, end of short conversation, party on, just be smiley all evening, non-commttital, bland, grin and bear it, tell her we'll talk later too, if she drags all this stuff out

 

Just hanging onto my sanity here - any thoughts?

Edited January 29, 2018 by darkmoon

[d0nnivain]

You texted her all that? Are you kidding?

 

In her shoes if I got a text from a 50 year old contemporary like that I'd think you were off your rocker. You say you do not like her at all yet she organized 2 of your birthdays. I suspect she has been trying to be nice to you all along & curry favor with you. Somehow that aggravated you. After the 1st one a mature adult would have had a face to face conversation with her & prevented her from doing the 2nd one. Now for you to send this aggressive text was simply rude.

 

If you don't care for somebody you don't confront them in this passive aggressive way. You ignore them. You show up. You gave a tight false small, a curt nod & you carry on as if they weren't there.

 

The issue here lies with you not her based on what you have written in this post. If there is more to the story, please share the details because from what I read you look like the pot stirring bad guy. She has no obligation to go along with your needs. Even if she did start something publically, you have the ability to cut if off by walking away.

[darkmoon]

You texted her all that? Are you kidding?

 

In her shoes if I got a text from a 50 year old contemporary like that I'd think you were off your rocker. You say you do not like her at all yet she organized 2 of your birthdays. I suspect she has been trying to be nice to you all along & curry favor with you. Somehow that aggravated you. After the 1st one a mature adult would have had a face to face conversation with her & prevented her from doing the 2nd one. Now for you to send this aggressive text was simply rude.

 

If you don't care for somebody you don't confront them in this passive aggressive way. You ignore them. You show up. You gave a tight false small, a curt nod & you carry on as if they weren't there.

 

The issue here lies with you not her based on what you have written in this post. If there is more to the story, please share the details because from what I read you look like the pot stirring bad guy. She has no obligation to go along with your needs. Even if she did start something publically, you have the ability to cut if off by walking away.

 

rude? well, that is a matter of perception, no point pretending to like somebody if you have had enough, no point in worrying about being polite and bottling stuff up, I did that for 2 years, and it led me to great stress which is why I am in this state, and walking away, more or less, by not bothering with her much

 

I only realized she was a narc this year

Edited January 29, 2018 by darkmoon

[d0nnivain]

I still don't get it.

 

What's a narc?

 

If you dislike her that much, why did you let her plan the 2nd birthday party for you?

 

I don't have a problem with somebody (you) drawing boundaries in their life, I have a problem doing it through text. IMO you could not have picked a worse medium

[darkmoon]

I still don't get it.

 

What's a narc?

 

If you dislike her that much, why did you let her plan the 2nd birthday party for you?

 

I don't have a problem with somebody (you) drawing boundaries in their life, I have a problem doing it through text. IMO you could not have picked a worse medium

 

as explained....she displays full blown narcissist behaviour, I have looked into it, control, expectations, gaslighting, aggression...

 

she only ever uses texts herself, second birthday was all arranged, and so I only went to my own birthday party so as to not let others down who wanted to eat, and I quietly spent the evening of my own birthday discreetly feeling like sht

Edited January 29, 2018 by darkmoon

[d0nnivain]

OK. . .. . .

 

I still don't see the point of texting. In your shoes, I'd go to the party & ignore her. I wouldn't send preemptive texts. If she starts drama at the party you ignore her.

 

I have an EX friend who pops up periodically: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/644956-don-t-want-forgive-forget Ignoring her has worked well. I would never dream of texting her in advance. She's blocked everywhere from my life.

 

Try that instead.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

rude? well, that is a matter of perception, no point pretending to like somebody if you have had enough, no point in worrying about being polite and bottling stuff up, I did that for 2 years, and it led me to great stress which is why I am in this state, and walking away, more or less, by not bothering with her much

 

I only realized she was a narc this year

 

There's that term being thrown around again.

 

I'm picturing some sort of blow-out fight, Real Housewives style, at some point that has led you to feel like you needed to preface this upcoming party with a warning. Has something like this happened?

[darkmoon]

There's that term being thrown around again.

 

I'm picturing some sort of blow-out fight, Real Housewives style, at some point that has led you to feel like you needed to preface this upcoming party with a warning. Has something like this happened?

 

 

no, am not a fighter, but an observer of how I get treated and then I do some thinking, I did realize what and who I was involved with just recently

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

no, am not a fighter, but an observer of how I get treated and then I do some thinking, I did realize what and who I was involved with just recently

 

This is a little too vague for us to have an understanding of the situation.

[darkmoon]

This is a little too vague for us to have an understanding of the situation.

 

then please see my first post, at the start of this thread, 2 years condensed, for 2 years' actions written in full would be a bookful

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

then please see my first post, at the start of this thread, 2 years condensed, for 2 years' actions written in full would be a bookful

 

There is no detail in that post either. Just that you don't like her and have never been very close. It's very unclear what the issues between you two are.

[Zahara]

If you claim she is a narc, then texting your concerns would mean absolutely nothing to her. So stop trying to get her to behave the way you want her to because she won't care. I'm not sure why someone you label a narc would plan 2 of your birthday parties. And no one can force you to have a birthday dinner that you don't want to have, especially 2 of them -- maybe you have poor boundaries with her.

 

Stop texting her. If anything you're bringing attention to the negatives when you should be ignoring it and rising above it. The mature thing to do is to attend the party, be civil and limit your communication with her.

 

I think your text to her was unnecessary and an invitation to drama.

Edited January 29, 2018 by Zahara

[darkmoon]

If you claim she is a narc, then texting your concerns would mean absolutely nothing to her. So stop trying to get her to behave the way you want her to because she won't care. I'm not sure why someone you label a narc would plan 2 of your birthday parties. And no one can force you to have a birthday dinner that you don't want to have, especially 2 of them -- maybe you have poor boundaries with her.

 

Stop texting her. If anything you're bringing attention to the negatives when you should be ignoring it and rising above it. The mature thing to do is to attend the party, be civil and limit your communication with her.

 

I think your text to her was unnecessary and an invitation to drama.

 

I have done all you suggested already, limit communication, and now need support

 

it would so easy to tell her at dinner that I wish I had never met her, and then she will burst into tears, and leave me alone for good

Edited January 29, 2018 by darkmoon

[d0nnivain]

it would so easy to tell her at dinner that I wish I had never met her, and then she will burst into tears, and leave me alone for good

 

Do you really want to be the one who causes drama at this birthday party? In the middle of somebody else's event is no time to hash this out. Just ignore her. By reaching out even to tell her you want nothing to do with her is playing her game & conveying the opposite message.

 

See her. Smile a fake tight small. Nod your head & walk in the opposite direction. No other acknowledgement is required.

[Zahara]

I have done all you suggested already, limit communication, and now need support

 

it would so easy to tell her at dinner that I wish I had never met her, and then she will burst into tears, and leave me alone for good

 

No, it will make you look like a trouble maker. The party is not the best time to relay your feelings to her. The fact that you see no issue instigating drama and causing a scene at someone's birthday party is self-serving.

 

I think you're perturbed that she has ignored you and you're trying to poke at the dragon to provoke a response.

 

Unless she's getting in your face and wagging her finger at you -- smile, nod, and walk the other way. I think you're making it more dramatic than it has to be.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have done all you suggested already, limit communication, and now need support

 

it would so easy to tell her at dinner that I wish I had never met her, and then she will burst into tears, and leave me alone for good

 

This makes me wonder which one of you is dreading seeing the other more - you or her.

[darkmoon]

No, it will make you look like a trouble maker. The party is not the best time to relay your feelings to her. The fact that you see no issue instigating drama and causing a scene at someone's birthday party is self-serving.

 

I think you're perturbed that she has ignored you and you're trying to poke at the dragon to provoke a response.

 

Unless she's getting in your face and wagging her finger at you -- smile, nod, and walk the other way. I think you're making it more dramatic than it has to be.

 

not perturbed, if I never had to see her again, I would prefer it, but no, I will not say it

 

not sure how many are going to the dinner, if it is only my narc, I will pull out, tired of rehearsing what to say, exhausted, after 2 years of politeness

[Zahara]

not perturbed, if I never had to see her again, I would prefer it, but no, I will not say it

 

not sure how many are going to the dinner, if it is only my narc, I will pull out, tired of rehearsing what to say, exhausted, after 2 years of politeness

 

If you're not perturbed, then leave it be instead of wanting to send her a follow-up text. You texted her once and she ignored you. You got your message across so there is no need to keep rehashing it with her.

 

There's three sides to every story with the third being the truth that is somewhere in the middle. There's more to this than what your posting. You have such an adverse reaction to her yet she planned 2 birthday dinners for you, both of which you had every right to say no to but you participated -- and she is such a horrible person? In that sense, maybe you need to check your boundaries. You can't control others, but you can control your own behavior.

 

A good idea to decline going to the party if she affects you this much.

[darkmoon]

If you're not perturbed, then leave it be instead of wanting to send her a follow-up text. You texted her once and she ignored you. You got your message across so there is no need to keep rehashing it with her.

 

There's three sides to every story with the third being the truth that is somewhere in the middle. There's more to this than what your posting. You have such an adverse reaction to her yet she planned 2 birthday dinners for you, both of which you had every right to say no to but you participated -- and she is such a horrible person? In that sense, maybe you need to check your boundaries. You can't control others, but you can control your own behavior.

 

A good idea to decline going to the party if she affects you this much.

 

I never realized she was a narc til a few months ago, so went to my birthdays, open-minded

 

am considering not going to my friend's birthday, just to avoid the narc, and want to not go, do not know which way to turn, go not go.... all round my head

Edited January 29, 2018 by darkmoon

[Zahara]

am considering not going, and want to not go, do not know which way to turn, go not go.... all round my head

 

Based on your postings, I would say don't go.

 

If you can't walk in there with indifference and self-control but rather charged with resentment and anger, the best thing you can do for yourself is avoid it and work on better managing your emotions when it comes to her.

 

The thing is you won't even be able to enjoy the evening because your inner self will be consumed by your spite for her.

[d0nnivain]

If going in you don't KNOW that you can attend & keep your cool, don't go.

 

I attended several things where my nemesis would be knowing that I could successfully ignore her but that I had support if she got physical. Mine was known to get violent. Every time I successfully avoid her even if sometimes I had to make abrupt 180 degree turns to do it. I certainly wasn't casual about it.

[darkmoon]

Based on your postings, I would say don't go.

 

If you can't walk in there with indifference and self-control but rather charged with resentment and anger, the best thing you can do for yourself is avoid it and work on better managing your emotions when it comes to her.

 

The thing is you won't even be able to enjoy the evening because your inner self will be consumed by your spite for her.

 

I feel no spite resentment or anger, had done that is true, hence the problem now of either avoiding her, or being polite but stressed again, 2 years of this is a long time

 

I just feel a need to handle a narc, or decide not to go

 

I had decided to give her the slip and not go, but am in 2 minds now

Edited January 29, 2018 by darkmoon

[Zahara]

I feel no spite resentment or anger, had done that is true, hence the problem now of either avoiding her, or being polite but stressed again, 2 years of this is a long time

 

I just feel a need to handle a narc, or decide not to go

 

I had decided to giver her the slip and not go, but am in 2 minds now

 

I don't understand the bold. You handle yourself -- not someone else. If she gets in your way, walk away. If she talks to you, be cordial and then excuse yourself. You're making it sound like something out of a reality show on TV with women screaming at each other and pulling hair.

 

It is evident that she affects you in a negative way. In that sense, it would be best to avoid the party. Two years is a long time -- maybe it is time to sever that tie and that would mean NC and avoiding her as much as possible -- that is if you can't seem to enforce proper boundaries with her and haven't had any success with finding your indifference with her.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

it would so easy to tell her at dinner that I wish I had never met her, and then she will burst into tears, and leave me alone for good

 

I feel no spite resentment or anger,

 

These two statements don't jive.

 

Without using the word "narc" or "narcissist" can you describe the worst thing she's ever done to you?

[darkmoon]

I don't understand the bold. You handle yourself -- not someone else. If she gets in your way, walk away. If she talks to you, be cordial and then excuse yourself. You're making it sound like something out of a reality show on TV with women screaming at each other and pulling hair.

 

It is evident that she affects you in a negative way. In that sense, it would be best to avoid the party. Two years is a long time -- maybe it is time to sever that tie and that would mean NC and avoiding her as much as possible -- that is if you can't seem to enforce proper boundaries with her and haven't had any success with finding your indifference with her.

 

I would cancel if there was not a second event (after friend's birthday) where she will be, we both have to go

 

yes, find my indifference, but she will analyze me and her regardless ok

 

am a grown woman, articulate, gentle, honest too, as I tell her, steer her, into getting off my back, not that I will say it like that to her, a difficult convo, but do-able, if taken aslowly