Stbx talking suicide

[Soundman]

A couple of months ago I started a thread around my difficulty coming to a decision to get a divorce titled "Hard time deciding to divorce unstable wife."

 

I made my decision in early December and she was served Dec 21st. It's been a rough road since then. Although I block her calls since our communication has been so difficult, she goes into very dark periods of panic where she calls and fills my blocked voice mail box up with messages. She also sends texts and somehow has figured out how to route them through my email, which makes ignoring them nearly impossible as the first line shows up in the box. The messages are a mix of blame for being so "cruel and hurtful," to desperation of taking her life. I have twice called suicide hotline for help figuring out what to do and with their suggestion have sent a "welfare check" through the sheriff's department out to our house where she is living (I am living elsewhere and have been for the past 9 months). The last time I did that two days ago, the police called me back telling me she refused help and not so politely asked them to get off the property. She also claimed to the police I am harassing her. She then left angry messages stating what I was doing was unkind and traumatizing to her.

 

This last episode included asking me to take the dogs as she can no longer function and is having a terrible time taking care of them, that she can't even feed herself, can't sleep, has PTSD, severe adrenal fatigue, etc. One of the messages insinuated that the dogs are going to disappear since I wasn't responding. All of this is so hard to fathom as she loves and lovingly cares for those dogs (ordinarily) like they were her own kids.

 

She states that I am the only one who can save her.

 

She is seeing several different health practitioners for her condition and two mental health therapists, one of whom is a somatic trauma therapist.

 

I received a call last night from her niece who lives across the country and who says speaks to her daily, that she is very concerned she is going to kill herself, that she has written me a suicide note, and described ways she's been considering it, and asked that I consider at least re-engaging with her in terms of communication, put the divorce process on hold for a month so she can work on recovering.

 

As our communication has been minimal due to me not wanting to subject myself to constant poison arrows of blame and shame, and because I do not want to enable her by taking care of things that aren't my responsibility, I'm deeply torn by my concern for her will being, that she still is my wife and we have been together for 28 years, and that perhaps I can help at least keep her from taking her own life.

 

Last week I received a message from her requesting I re-engage with her in therapy to go through a divorce/marriage ending process that might help both of us get some closure around this, smooth out the process some, and possibly have some healing too. She claims that she found someone to do this and that an appointment could be set up for this week. I responded that I am available for that. I haven't heard back from her about that.

 

Right now that's where I am - I will do the closure process with her with a good therapist to keep things on track - but I can't "save" her. Not only am I not available for that as I am currently working 60+ hours a week for the next few months, but it wouldn't be healthy for either of us ultimately.

 

But I'm deeply concerned and obsessing quite a bit about it.

 

I'd appreciate any feedback or to know if anyone else has been through something like this.

 

Thanks!

Edited January 29, 2018 by Soundman

[d0nnivain]

Call the niece back & tell her what you wrote here. Do tell the niece that you have caused welfare checks to happen but that you are not responsible for bad decisions your stbx makes. It's not to be harsh but you can't stay & you can't let her take you down with you.

 

If your STBX has other family alert them to the suicide threats.

 

Go get the dogs but bring somebody with you so that she doesn't start something then falsely accuse you of physical abuse / assault. Discuss this plan with your lawyer in advance.

 

Perhaps make an appointment to meet with the officers who have responded to the wellness checks & let them listen to the messages. You need to save every one of them. After you do that keep on callin' for the wellness checks.

 

There is nothing else you can do.

[stillafool]

Definitely call her relatives about her suicide threats. I have to say I have had several people who committed suicides in my life (including a brother) and none of them told anyone what they were planning to do. It was an absolute shock to all of us.

[BluesPower]

Emotional blackmail...

 

And brother don't fall for it. You know, if she loved you that much, she would have already made an effort to change. She wants the easy way out which is for you to come back and take care of her.

 

Listen, I have lived this. 26 years of absolute hell. Affairs, drug addict, mentally unstable, sole breadwinner, raised 3 kids alone for the most part, I have done it.

 

The moment that I had clarity about what was actually going on, (I should say that she kept her drug addiction hidden for 20 years)...

 

My clarity came when I had a stroke, because of the pressure of doing all of the above for that long.

 

I am setting in the hospital bed, alone, and I finally realized that if I kept this up, I was going to die.

 

Now that will wake your A$$ up. But from that point on, I was done. If she kills herself now, it is not my responsibility.

 

At some point, self preservation kicks in...

[Summer08]

This last episode included asking me to take the dogs as she can no longer function and is having a terrible time taking care of them, that she can't even feed herself, can't sleep, has PTSD, severe adrenal fatigue, etc. One of the messages insinuated that the dogs are going to disappear since I wasn't responding.

 

...did you take the dogs?

 

When someone threatens the life of a beloved pet the hair at the back of my neck stands up. She should be hospitalized. Period.

 

And get the dogs out of that house. ASAP

[TunaCat]

1. Get those dogs out of the house NOW.

 

2. Nothing else she does is your problem anymore. She's using the suicide threats to manipulate you. Don't let her. Let her family handle the welfare checks because you don't need to be pulled into this insanity anymore than you already are.

[basil67]

I agree that you need to get the dogs away from her ASAP. And I agree you need to have a friend/witness with you.

 

The therapy session - if you both end up attending - could be a good way to make it clear that she needs to be responsible for her own mental health now that you're gone. It could also be a good time to make it clear that if she continues with this behaviour, you will block her and that all contact will need to be made via your lawyer.

 

Glad to hear you're finding your strength.

[Mr. Lucky]

At some point, self preservation kicks in...

 

Amen. And the hard truth is you could do everything for her, be a cross between Mother Teresa and Clara Barton, and it still wouldn't alter the course she's on.

 

She is seeing several different health practitioners for her condition and two mental health therapists, one of whom is a somatic trauma therapist.

 

She's in good hands and any action on your part might interfere with the process. Keep your current distance...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

She is seeing several different health practitioners for her condition and two mental health therapists, one of whom is a somatic trauma therapist.

 

 

Privacy laws prevent the therapists from talking to you about her but the therapists can listen if you need to tell them things.

 

 

My cousin was suicidal. She made a serious attempt that landed her in a psych hospital for a while. After that whenever she started talking about killing herself I would call her therapist & report what she said. On two occasions the therapist called the police & my cousin was taken to the hospital again. When a medical practitioner knows that their patient is a danger to herself that practitioner is legally obligated to act.

[Soundman]

Thanks everyone for your replies and suggestions. I really appreciate the support.

 

I'm less concerned about the dogs now. After speaking with others who have been in contact with her, I now believe she was using it as a tactic to get me to call her. I don't believe she would ever do anything to harm them. They are like her kids and she treats them much better than I see parents treat their own kids. I have let her niece, who speaks with her daily, know of her email about the dogs and my concern, and I trust she will monitor that situation and let me know if I have any reason to be further concerned. If I turn out to be wrong, hopefully I will learn soon enough and will take action to get them. Although my life and work situation isn't conducive right now to caring for them in an optimal way, I have put in place a plan with my friend who I am staying with to be sure they are cared for until I work out something more permanent. Again, I trust it won't come to this, but am keeping an eye on it.

 

She let me know last night that the first therapist session(s) to help bring a more harmonious closure to our relationship is set for this Thursday. I will take advantage of that opportunity to make it clear about what style and form of communication will work for me (one void of manipulation and threats) and see if we can move forward more positively. I'm not optimistic, but I will do my part. I can't do anything about her.

 

If or when more suicide threats come my way, I am going to work harder at stepping back from getting involved, call her niece as well as her therapist to alert them of the situation, and do my best not to let it adversely effect my life as it has. I will be concerned and upset about it, but will do my best to not get sucked in. This is the dance we've been in for many years - she being upset, uncomfortable, unhappy etc, trying to get me to make it better for her and me acquiescing under pressure. I've stopped that now (mostly) and things have escalated.

 

Although intellectually I know it's not my responsibility to manage her feelings in any way, including suicidal, it's been a long road to being able to release that habit. It's an addiction probably learned as a child. I am slowly but surely learning and detaching. I still have a ways to go, but I'm dedicated and succeeding.

 

The messages in response to my opening post help me to strengthen my resolve to let go.

 

Thank you.

Edited January 30, 2018 by Soundman

[Summer08]

Thanks everyone for your replies and suggestions. I really appreciate the support.

 

I'm less concerned about the dogs now. After speaking with others who have been in contact with her, I now believe she was using it as a tactic to get me to call her. I don't believe she would ever do anything to harm them. They are like her kids and she treats them much better than I see parents treat their own kids. I have let her niece, who speaks with her daily, know of her email about the dogs and my concern, and I trust she will monitor that situation and let me know if I have any reason to be further concerned. If I turn out to be wrong, hopefully I will learn soon enough and will take action to get them.

 

...so yeah just wait around and hope she doesn't kill them.

 

I don't care if she treated the dogs well in the past, it just doesn't matter. A threat against a beloved pet is not just "neurotic crazy" it's dangerous crazy. She has lost her pet privileges with that threat.

[Soundman]

She won't kill them, I'm confident of that. She loves animals more than she loves people. And she isn't violent. More than anything right now, those dogs are keeping her sane enough from actually doing anything. Plus, the house is on acreage in the country. The dogs are a form of protection and security for her, not to mention loving companionship.

 

What I do know is that she is desperate to get me engaged and will through some pretty manipulative threats out there to get to me. She knows I love those dogs too.

 

Worst case scenario, she takes her own life and the dogs are stranded in the house for a day or two. Enough people (her niece and brother) are in contact with her daily, aware of where she is at emotionally, that if she can't be reached within a day or two, will let police know and someone or a team will be sent out.

[d0nnivain]

I hope it doesn't come to that but I'm glad you feel more balanced about the whole situation & recognize it for the emotional blackmail it is.

[Soundman]

I'll be sure to bring this up in our therapy session also.

[Summer08]

She won't kill them, I'm confident of that. She loves animals more than she loves people. And she isn't violent. More than anything right now, those dogs are keeping her sane enough from actually doing anything. Plus, the house is on acreage in the country. The dogs are a form of protection and security for her, not to mention loving companionship.

 

What I do know is that she is desperate to get me engaged and will through some pretty manipulative threats out there to get to me. She knows I love those dogs too.

 

Worst case scenario, she takes her own life and the dogs are stranded in the house for a day or two. Enough people (her niece and brother) are in contact with her daily, aware of where she is at emotionally, that if she can't be reached within a day or two, will let police know and someone or a team will be sent out.

 

 

OK. IMHO she needs to be hospitalized. She sounds like a danger to herself and others.