Mortified by break up reason

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

d didn’t put forth much effort into making out. Unlike her, I gave her a chance to improve because I really liked her. Guess I should be more superficial?!

 

I don't think I could be with someone who wasn't a good kisser.

[newyorker11356]

I don't think I could be with someone who wasn't a good kisser.

 

Same here.

 

That being said, I don't think I would write them off automatically after 1-2 bad kisses if I liked them otherwise. I'd give them a chance to improve.

[ExposedBrick]

 

After you got off, why didn't you turn the focus back to her, though?

 

 

I wanted to but her demeanor changed, perhaps from disappointment, when I stopped penetrating her? She just seemed to go cold. As described before, I was trying to get more information about what else she liked but she shut it down. I don’t know how someone could tell me to smack them in ass while ****ing them from behind and then go completely silent the next minute. Again, I should have just acted not said anything. Oh well, I thought she would just tell me what she wanted as she did a minute before, not go cold on me.

 

I mean she did seem kind of cold at times in general so maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised?

[ExposedBrick]

Same here.

 

That being said, I don't think I would write them off automatically after 1-2 bad kisses if I liked them otherwise. I'd give them a chance to improve.

 

This has been enlightening, but I still feel she probably just wasn’t that into me and this perhaps was just the final stumbling block. Anyone that I am genuinely interested in I would give be several chances to naturally get things right and then have a talk with them. It’s really not a big deal.

 

I think she sucked at communication in general so the thought about taking about sex was just too much for her. I would have done anything she asked me to do that didn’t cause physical harm to myself.

[newyorker11356]

This has been enlightening, but I still feel she probably just wasn’t that into me and this perhaps was just the final stumbling block. Anyone that I am genuinely interested in I would give be several chances to naturally get things right and then have a talk with them. It’s really not a big deal.

 

I think she sucked at communication in general so the thought about taking about sex was just too much for her. I would have done anything she asked me to do that didn’t cause physical harm to myself.

 

Agreed. If she was into you, then I definitely believe she'd have given you more chances and/or communicated to you what she wants.

[ExposedBrick]

So let me get this straight: You get drunk the first couple times you have sex with her, and then after she ends it, you go off on her and call her a piece of *****?

 

Sorry OP but that's just not a good look.

 

She was equally or more drunk than me, so not sure what your point is here. Again, the thing that made me angry was the slow fading/lack of communication and general insensitivity of breaking it off in a ****ing text.

[ExposedBrick]

Asking a woman "is there anything I can do for you?" in bed rather than just doing it is a huge mistake, yet you did it twice when you knew she was not satisfied. I'd say that's why she ditched you, you came off as a selfish, unskilled lover.

 

I had been drinking heavily, wasn’t expecting sex, and don’t have a game plan ready. My bad. It’s over. Her lack of tact and poor communication would have been problems anyway. Plus she can’t kiss, so she shouldn’t be on a high horse.

[ExposedBrick]

Ixnay on the cray cray. Is she 18-22? they usually have no idea what they want yet.

 

You also went to bed with a complete stranger. Six weeks is not enough to know somebody. Ideally, the longer you wait the longer the relationship would last.

 

You dodged a bullet, but next time don’t waste your energy being angry at any woman if they’re rude or rejected you; I know the temptation to lash out is there but block it out of your mind and bow out gracefully. Just smile and tell yourself it’s her lost and move on.

 

Watch Steve McQueen in Bullitt; the guy is the King of Cool.

 

You are right. I just really wanted some explanation. It sucks she gave me mixed signals and I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

[act00]

I’m just trying to figure out if others would take an otherwise good situation and flush it away because the first sexual experience wasn’t good? To me, it seems like an extreme reaction to just stop talking to me instead of having a conversation about it.

 

It wasn't just once, it was twice, and it sounds like she allowed for the awkward first encounter and was okay with the fact that you finished fast, but what did you do for her after? Roll over and snore or try to get her off and maybe go for round two for you? Some of this is normal, but after two crappy encounters, I question if she wanted to give round three another go. Yes, I have BTDT, and found it's about him and you're left there wondering what just happened...again. Yes, it's worth throwing away an otherwise good thing. I'm guessing there were other issues beyond this, but you do have some control over the situation, like not sticking it anywhere until she gets her rocks off. Some of the best sex I've had is with a guy with sporadic ED, and my, oh, my!

 

She shouldn't have shut down and pouted after the BC question. It's a reasonable question. I'm not sure what to make of that.

 

Way to be a grownup. Insult her and quickly block. Nanny, nanny, boo-boo.

[GemmaUK]

Sounds like the first performance was poor and she didn't get any pleasure out of it.

Or did you move on to her and make sure she got hers before you fell asleep?

 

One time is forgivable. Twice is bad man!

You then posted about worrying about the condom and expressed concern over your performance after the first time.

That night rolls around and when sexy time comes up the first thing that you ask is whether she is on birth control - she plays along anyway but a guy who had been sexually selfish once, I'll give it another go but the BC question would make me think he's more selfish than I thought and just wanted a repeat of the night before but without a condom this time.

 

You did use a condom again but in a whole 24 hr period not once did you appear to talk about the sex. I can't believe you were not alone together at any point at all in 24 hrs.

You want a load of communication from her yet you don't communicate either??

 

You already had a bad first try which should have made you think hey, it's time for her to get off - which would have also then slowed you down.

It didn't happen.

You didn't think - well I'm very drunk again so let's sleep and I will service you in the morning. That didn't happen either.

 

In summary I too would think you were just selfish drunk or not, if a guy doesn't display and take time to make sure I get my kicks too I won't stick around.

If a guy comes over selfish then I don't see a reason to end things face to face. I don't owe you anything at that point.

She sent you a text and you verbally abused her.

 

She dodged a bullet.

[Els]

Let me give more details. On Saturday, we had some drinks at dinner, went to a movie, then had cocktails. We went back to her place, things escalated physically much more than the other times. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how far things would go. Usually, with most of my previous gf’s, things escalated gradually over a number of dates moving from a kiss, to make out, to manual stimulation, then oral/intercourse. Usually, by the time we get to the final step I have already added some tools to the toolkit in terms of how to get the woman off. When things moved to the bedroom, we made out for a bit. Then the dirty talk started, which I thought was hot but not prepared for at all. Things progressed to sex rather quickly which unfortunately didn’t last very long. This has happened to me at the early stages of sexual relationships before, but usually I have other tools to fall back on to make sure she is happy. Unfortunately, I didn’t have those tools here and felt a little unsure where to go as there hadn’t been much exploration previously. That combined with the premature ejaculation was a recipe for feeling self-conscious and awkward, which probably made me seem selfish.

 

I am also usually very responsible about starting sexual relationships and like to have an open discussion about STIs, birth control, and whether or not this is exclusive. I tried to just go with the flow but I think not following my own personal boundaries was adding some stress to the situation. In fact, a couple hours after having sex the first time, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling very paranoid about not having had that important talk. The paranoia continues through the next day as was in the back of my mind while hanging out with her friends. Between being paranoid about not having that talk and trying to be social and drink heavily with her friends throughout the day, I didn’t have much menta capacity left to strategize an improved performance. When we did go back to her place on Sunday, we started making out again and I felt compelled to try and have that talk. I thought the BC was the easiest thing to cover, so I started with that. When she reacted harshly to the question replying, “that’s a personal question, why are you asking me?” You could imagine this only made me far more uncomfortable. She then leaves the room for 10 minutes. She eventually calms down and we start to make out again. She suggests I go down on her, which I did and she seem to be really enjoying. However, the dirty talk started again and she kept telling me all these things she wanted me to do to her. Things then shifted to what she was talking about, as I thought that’s what she wanted. I didn’t last long as it really turned me on. At that point, she seemed to get upset it ended quickly. I tried to talk to her about it, asking what I could do for her, but she sort of just told me she wanted it to last longer and seemed to just get annoyed/shut down, which didn’t give me a chance to do much else as it was awkward.

 

I feel like even in my drunken, paranoid state I still tried to communicate openly. Could I have been smoother about everything? Of course.

 

However, in general, I was very attentive towards her, planned lots of nice dates, and we shared some good times. I did start to catch some feels and I think the amount of time we spent together was deserving of more than a cold blooded text message after slow fading all week.

 

So yeah, I’m not perfect, we both had a lot to drink, and things got awkward, but dating is awkward, people aren’t perfect, and drinking highlights that.

 

Yes, I think she was equally culpable for how everything turned out, as I said in my first post.

 

Could I ask why you guys were drinking so very much before each time you had sex? One or two drinks is okay, but being piss drunk doesn't go very well with sex or with anything else in a relationship, really.

 

Plus she can’t kiss, so she shouldn’t be on a high horse.

 

I think in general what people are trying to say is that it isn't usually okay for one person to orgasm and the other not to (unless the other person has explicitly said they don't care if they do). It doesn't matter if she was a terrible kisser or not - you still got your finish, and she didn't. Twice. Yes of course she should have communicated, and of course you are completely within your rights to not want to be with a "bad kisser". But as far as "bad in bed" goes, you still got a lot more out of it than she did.

 

Basically, in the future (with a woman who is hopefully more communicative) it would still a good idea to: (1) control your drink, (2) maintain your own boundaries - if you prefer to escalate slowly, it's OK for you to say so, (3) maybe masturbate ahead of a date if premature ejaculation continues to be a problem?

 

It doesn't have to make sense. It happens in real life more often than not.

 

There was nothing here that a conversation could not have cleared up. This "read my mind or pay the hell" mindset is really childish.

 

No man that I've ever been with in my life knew what *I* wanted/liked the very first time we had sex until he asked me or I told him. I don't make it a habit (and a lame one at that) of playing guessing games. I grew out of that mess a long time ago--and I have no problems with someone asking first before plowing forward and making an unattractive, rutting boar out of themselves.

 

Analogy fail. That's non sequitur. Opening up oneself sexually to a new partner where each person comes with their own ideas and sets of (unspoken) expectations for how they want the experience to pan out is in a whole different universe than sitting across from someone talking nonstop.

 

Has he said he refused to pleasure her? I haven't read him saying that. I read that he wanted to talk to her about how to make things better next time and she showed her behind because he didn't play "read my mind or pay the hell". Is that narrative something that was made up by someone other than the OP and the board decided to run with it?

 

You're twisting my words. If you read, my initial posts on this thread summed up my thoughts about the OP's girl - and they include holding her accountable for her own lack of communication.

 

My post to you was quoting YOUR post about how it's apparently "normal" for the first few times a couple has sex to be a drunken 2 minute rutfest, and that's what I was addressing. No, I don't think it's normal. Certainly hasn't been in my experience. While, unlike the OP's girl, I have always been up-front about what I wanted, I would also never have accepted your theory of "it'll get better once they get more comfortable". Looking at the relationship and sex life that I have now, I daresay that boundary was a good one.

[TheTraveler]

Bull****, this all happened within a 24 hr period.

 

You failed

 

Get over it and move on

[basil67]

The thing about her not being a good kisser - most likely she thought the same about you. I'm not sure why you think you've got it right and she's got it wrong...when the actual problem is more to do with compatible styles. Hence her likely being disappointed with your kissing too.

[DKT3]

Man, there is alot of well thought out posts on this thread, while I admit I didn't read every single post, I did notice one glaring omission in the ones I did read...dude you finished second. She was clearly dating at least two of you and she likes the other guy more. I wouldn't put too much thought into this one, just learn what you can learn and be better for the next one.