How to stop an affair before it even gets started?

[wmacbride]

If you have ever been in the position of being the ow or om, and you feel like you were sort of led down the garden path, what signs do you feel you might have missed early on before the affair even started?

 

Do you feel you were "groomed", and if so, what signs were there in the initial stages of the relationship before it even became an affair? What sort of advice would you share to help others from make the same choices you did?

 

( I'm not saying that an ow or om is not responsible for their choices, just asking for tips and advice to hep others from ending up in the same situation.)

[RecentChange]

I wouldn't say I was led down a path, I own it completely, and I am a big girl, I didn't need to be groomed or manipulated.

 

For me? My nip it in the bud advice would have been to realize earlier that I was developing a crush, and that they are not always innocent.

 

That the head space he was occupying, that the fantasies that started to dance in my head are not harmless.

 

Early on? I thought NEVER in a million years would anything happen between me an the other man. I could have given you a long list of how it was completely implossible.

 

But yet, it did eventually happen. And by that time, I had this fantasy going - and it was hard to resist. Fantasies only come alive in story books right? So, when I had an opportunity to turn dream into reality I did.

 

So my advice? Nip the crushes in the bud. No fantasies about people in my "real world". Keep feet planted firmly on the ground.

[Popsicle]

If you have ever been in the position of being the ow or om, and you feel like you were sort of led down the garden path, what signs do you feel you might have missed early on before the affair even started?

 

Do you feel you were "groomed", and if so, what signs were there in the initial stages of the relationship before it even became an affair? What sort of advice would you share to help others from make the same choices you did?

 

( I'm not saying that an ow or om is not responsible for their choices, just asking for tips and advice to hep others from ending up in the same situation.)

 

I was definitely not groomed, although I think there are OW/OM who are groomed.

 

The sign I missed was identifying that I felt lonely. And when you're lonely it's like having a bad dry spell. Water in a desert. You want someone whom you're attracted to to pay you attention. You start to believe it will never happen, and then when this person does, it's water in a desert. Your prayers have been answered. Except they are married. Oh, well, just ignore that. He's probably doesn't love his wife anyway if he's talking to me/paying attention to me/ attracted to me/telling me he loves me/calling me while he's on vacation with his wife/having sex with me. He says he's going to leave her. But the kids. All of that. He's still the wrong guy though, because he's taken and a hot mess. You deserve better, and he's pathetic anyway. You learn to have some self-respect and respect for others and go with a single guy.

Edited January 30, 2018 by Popsicle

[DKT3]

A lot of guys can spot a woman who is likely to cheat a mile away. I know I can. That married girl at the office that flirts with all the guys. The girl that always wears makeup and a skimpy workout outfit at the gym. You even have the ladies that just never seem to mention they even have a BF or husband.

 

Now, as a guy, we approach those ladies. Strike up conversations. Start with some playful flirting. Always push the envelope a little bit further. Eventually, she ends up making out with you in the parking lot of the club while her husband is still inside drinking.

 

I agree you can spot them, hut I disagree with you on it being based on her appearance. For me it's that woman that shares too much, doesn't hold up to the slightest male attention, and seems overly interested in the most mundane things.

 

Recent pretty much summed it up, I think recognizing the attraction and being honest about it to yourself. Really, their is no such thing as innocent flirting, nor can you push boundaries and be absolutely certain that they will continue to hold up.

 

Affairs usually start by slowing pushing boundaries while saying, "I would never" but not understanding that you already are.

[PegNosePete]

( I'm not saying that an ow or om is not responsible for their choices, just asking for tips and advice to hep others from ending up in the same situation.)

My tip: tell them to be responsible for their choices. If they want to avoid an affair then choose to be a loyal person and respect their partner at all times. If they can do that then an affair is impossible.

[DKT3]

My tip: tell them to be responsible for their choices. If they want to avoid an affair then choose to be a loyal person and respect their partner at all times. If they can do that then an affair is impossible.

 

I agree, but behind that is what the person is convincing themselves of. Oh,. it's harmless, I'm not physically attracted to this person, I have never cheated before. So they allow the behavior to continue down the path, all the while maintaining ( in thier mind) a respectful relationship with the spouse. Then boom, it happens. Now it's "how did this happen" "this is so unlike me"

 

Mind tricks. This is who they had become, they made it happen.

[Arieswoman]

DKT3

 

I agree, but behind that is what the person is convincing themselves of. Oh,. it's harmless, I'm not physically attracted to this person, I have never cheated before. So they allow the behavior to continue down the path, all the while maintaining ( in thier mind) a respectful relationship with the spouse. Then boom, it happens. Now it's "how did this happen" "this is so unlike me

 

I think I can agree with the above when it relates to an EA, but a PA is sooooo further beyond that.

 

Surely if someone is snogging a person that isn't their spouse they must think to themselves "hey this is wrong?!"

[DKT3]

DKT3

 

 

 

I think I can agree with the above when it relates to an EA, but a PA is sooooo further beyond that.

 

Surely if someone is snogging a person that isn't their spouse they must think to themselves "hey this is wrong?!"

 

Yes, but for many women the sex is a result of the emotional connection, the emotional connection is what they've tricked themselves into. So by the time sex happened many feel it's already too late to stop or they FEEL they can't stop.

 

I've seen plenty of MW here who truly believes that they have respect for the hubby. But we all know snogging (haha, my wife is from the UK, love the slag) isn't showing much respect.

[Summer08]

For me? My nip it in the bud advice would have been to realize earlier that I was developing a crush, and that they are not always innocent.

 

That the head space he was occupying, that the fantasies that started to dance in my head are not harmless.

 

 

So my advice? Nip the crushes in the bud. No fantasies about people in my "real world". Keep feet planted firmly on the ground.

 

I agree with you 100%. For me it's easy to develop a crush on a handsome man who provides me with LOTS of flattery. And then I begin to find reasons to impress the man without realizing it is happening. The key in the flattery is that they act as if you are somehow "outrageously intelligent, talented, beautiful etc." Your head begins to swell thinking "Wow I didn't realize I was that amazing???" I gotta talk to this guy some more...

 

So, the fantasy/affair beginning is really just you and your ego.

[Summer08]

I was definitely not groomed, although I think there are OW/OM who are groomed.

 

The sign I missed was identifying that I felt lonely. And when you're lonely it's like having a bad dry spell. Water in a desert. You want someone whom you're attracted to to pay you attention. You start to believe it will never happen, and then when this person does, it's water in a desert. Your prayers have been answered.

 

I think as little girls we were groomed by society to believe that we are nothing unless a man tells us how wonderful we are. When I walk in a room, immediately I compare myself with the rest of the women it's very primal. If I'm not the most "desirable" then I'm in danger of not getting a mate. Now this is all immediate and unconscious but true nevertheless.

[Cookiesandough]

The only way I could be fooled into being an OW is if I didn’t know the man was married. Is the man married? Then don’t engage in any romantic/sexual behavior with him and if he tries tell him you don’t mess with married men. If he keeps trying cut him off/avoid entirely.

 

I guess it helps weak willed men are not attractive to me at all

[carhill]

If you have ever been in the position of being the ow or om, and you feel like you were sort of led down the garden path, what signs do you feel you might have missed early on before the affair even started?

The old 'if it seems too good to be true it probably is' obscured by sexual allure.

 

Do you feel you were "groomed", and if so, what signs were there in the initial stages of the relationship before it even became an affair?

IME, MW's were more 'raw' and the 'I'm available' vibe that women give out was stronger and more pervasive than with single women.

What sort of advice would you share to help others from make the same choices you did?

Healthy skepticism.

 

Edited to add are there any other respondents who've actually been a OM or OW? That is the topic

[lucy_in_disguise]

I've been an OW once and am deeply ashamed of my involvement in the situation.

 

It was my first year out of college and at a real job. I was living in a new city where I knew no one and was extremely lonely. I made friends with another coworker my age and his wife. They happened to live in the same apartment complex, and she worked nights, so I ended up getting closer to the guy. I felt it was absolutely platonic but he and his wife were having problems, so in hindsight the emotional closeness we shared was inappropriate. I rationalized it by telling myself I was not attracted to him, plus nothing physical was going on, plus his wife was aware of me and approved of the friendship. Well, one night when he was really down about the marriage, I was down from loneliness, and we had been drinking, we ended up crossing the line and sleeping together. They divorced soon after. It took a very long time but 10 years later, nothing physical ever happened between us again and he and I are still friends. Last I heard she was married to someone else, living her dream of living in the countryside, and had some kids.

 

How could the situation have been avoided? I should have realized my loneliness made me vulnerable to sleeping with someone I honestly had no attraction to. I should have realized our friendship was inappropriate even if his wife seemed ok with it.

[carhill]

Also, OP, your specifying OM's and OW's leaves out MM's and MW's and focuses solely on single people who became involved with married/LTR people and how to stop those affairs before they get started. IMO, this respects a difference in dynamics between someone who is single and someone who is married/LTR, though the dynamics can overlap in practice, as MM's/MW's involved with other married/LTR people can technically be OM/OW as well.

 

However, based on experience, I think the psychology is different. It feels different. The 'grooming' process, as you put it, is different when two married people go at it versus a married person grooming a single person for an affair.

 

Also, practices have changed over the decades. Back in my day it was payphones and one had to go to the county clerk to search marriages and divorces. Now it's burner mobile phones and virtual private networks and court records are increasingly online. Social media has both increased relationship mining as well as opened opportunities for disinformation and obfuscation.

 

I would opine transparency is one method to reduce the propensity for grooming. View smooth talking as suspect. Married people, in general, especially the successful ones, are very smooth and convincing. That's part of why they're successfully married. They have superior social skills. Still, holes appear and it's on the prospective target to recognize them and investigate them.

 

Oh, and on the MW side, meaning single men being targeted or engaged by MW's, watch out for the protect-serve social hack. That instinct is strong in men and, once hooked with some sex or intimacy or both, they'll roll out the mean spouse hack and, yeah it can be convincing, especially for a young guy with limited experience with how women can spin things. As they age and this hack works less on their peers they move to other scenarios to groom their targets. Adapt and overcome.

[d0nnivain]

It's way more simple. As soon as you know the other person is married, you avoid being alone with them. You don't engage in lengthy back & forth texts etc. If you must, make a group & inform the spouse.

[RecentChange]

Whoops didn't see that this was specific to the "OW or OM".

 

I answered as a married OW - he was married as well.

 

I wonder what percentages of affairs are between two married people. Honestly, I have heard from men at least that they would PREFER that their "OW" be married.

 

Then she already has a man in her life, then she has motivation to not be discovered like he does, so on, and so forth.

 

For me, like I said before, it started with a crush. We had been friendly, but very much with in bounds for quite a while (hell I used to tell my husband about him, and our conversations), but then eventually the OM opened the door, and I walked through (again, he didn't need to "groom me").

 

But he did give me an opportunity which I took. I certainly could have said no, but I didn't want to say no. I am not blaming the OM in any way, but if he didn't take that step, I don't think I would have ever opened pandora's box.

[Toots]

Do you feel you were "groomed", and if so, what signs were there in the initial stages of the relationship before it even became an affair? What sort of advice would you share to help others from make the same choices you did?

 

(

 

No grooming.

 

It was a conference-type event. We saw a lot of each other. I didn’t much fancy him but was curious. He was very different to the kind of people I knew. I agreed to the EMR because I thought it would be interesting.

 

I wouldn’t advise anyone not to make the same choices I made, because that would be hypocritical. But I would advise to be level headed. See it for what it is. Walk away when you lose interest.

[wmacbride]

Whoops didn't see that this was specific to the "OW or OM".

 

I answered as a married OW - he was married as well.

 

I wonder what percentages of affairs are between two married people. Honestly, I have heard from men at least that they would PREFER that their "OW" be married.

 

Then she already has a man in her life, then she has motivation to not be discovered like he does, so on, and so forth.

 

For me, like I said before, it started with a crush. We had been friendly, but very much with in bounds for quite a while (hell I used to tell my husband about him, and our conversations), but then eventually the OM opened the door, and I walked through (again, he didn't need to "groom me").

 

But he did give me an opportunity which I took. I certainly could have said no, but I didn't want to say no. I am not blaming the OM in any way, but if he didn't take that step, I don't think I would have ever opened pandora's box.

 

All input is welcomed...the more that comes in, the better the discussion.

[carhill]

All input is welcomed...the more that comes in, the better the discussion.

So why post the topic like this:

 

If you have ever been in the position of being the ow or om, and you feel like you were sort of led down the garden path, what signs do you feel you might have missed early on before the affair even started?

 

Do you feel you were "groomed", and if so, what signs were there in the initial stages of the relationship before it even became an affair? What sort of advice would you share to help others from make the same choices you did?

 

A BS seeking to start more drama here?

 

I mean, really, do you want me to put on the moderator hat?

[William]

Moderator hat donned, thread starter sanctioned and I'll close this up. If feeling the desire to make comments on affair grooming, search GRD for 'affair' or 'grooming' and hundreds of threads will appear.