Slevin2020 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I need to know what others think...is this okay and am I just too old fashioned? My SO and I have been together for 6 years. Before we met, he divorced his wife and met a woman who was married. They were friends, and they fooled around behind her husband's back. She lives in another state. She is still married. When my SO and I started dating seriously, he went to see her. I thought it was a goodbye of sorts and I was okay with that (we had just begun to date exclusively). Two years ago, I discovered that they have been messaging each other. I honestly didn't try and snoop - we work together, live together, have combined our families, etc. It made me very upset, as I thought things were done between them. He claimed that they are just friends and treated me like I was crazy jealous and totally in the wrong. He said that he should be able to have friends and that is all that they are. We made up and things were better after a while and he said he wasn't talking to her anymore. Well, so here I am again and they are still messaging each other. Now, he has said things like he wants to see her, wants to talk to her, wishes he had his pilot license still so he could fly down, see her and be back by dinner. She doesn't seem to reciprocate his forward messages...tells him to go and get me if he wants a massage...etc... Anyway, they text several times a week, usually between 10 and midnight. Here I am...divorcee, raising a daughter who has already been through a broken home, living with a man who obviously isn't over the woman he could never have...but, we own a company together, we live together, my daughter is attached to him, his son is attached to me. I know that there is no way that he will ever be able to act on these feelings for her since she is so far away. But it still feels like cheating. Am I right, or old fashioned? I don't think there is anything I can do about it this time. I should never have seen the messages to begin with. So, how do I swallow that lump of betrayal and still lie down with this man who is thinking of another while he is with me? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 It's a little much for my tastes but if the messages aren't sexual I'd be hard pressed to call it cheating. I believe that people can have opposite sex friends but not when that friend is a former lover. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I would be pissed. In my relationship, former lovers are a no go, and that goes both ways. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 how would he feel if you were in touch with your ex all the time? he would not like it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 And it's an inappropriate relationship. It would be one thing if you and him were friends with her and her husband. Instead she is corresponding with her old affair partner behind her husband's back. Not cool. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 He has never stopped cheating with her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Slevin2020 Posted January 30, 2018 Author Share Posted January 30, 2018 Yah, I thought of how he would feel with me texting an ex too! But, I don't talk to exes, even if it ended on friendly terms. So, I can't really create an example to show him it's not cool. Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 omg of course it's cheating. He wants to be with her. It's an emotional affair... my god! I can't believe what people will put up with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 He's telling her he wants massages? Totally inappropriate. If they had a history of platonic friendship only, then perhaps it would be different. But you know the two of them have a history of getting up to no good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Slevin2020 Posted January 30, 2018 Author Share Posted January 30, 2018 (edited) omg of course it's cheating. He wants to be with her. It's an emotional affair... my god! I can't believe what people will put up with. Yah, I get you. If I were younger and not responsible for my daughter, I'd be gone 2 years ago - never looking back. But, I'm not even supposed to have seen these messages, so how do I deal with that? Confront him anyway and then we go down the violation of privacy bs road again? Feel like I can't address it at all. As I mentioned, we own a business together. It's not just my relationship, it's tied to my livelihood. Edited January 30, 2018 by Slevin2020 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 In my opinion... it's perfectly fine for a guy to have friends. It's perfectly fine for a guy to have female friends. It's fine for a guy to be friends with an ex if there is absolutely no feelings left on either side (yes it does happen). But this... Well, so here I am again and they are still messaging each other. Now, he has said things like he wants to see her, wants to talk to her, wishes he had his pilot license still so he could fly down, see her and be back by dinner. She doesn't seem to reciprocate his forward messages...tells him to go and get me if he wants a massage...etc... ...is crossing a line for sure. He wants to fly down and back in a day while you're presumably at work, or at the very least not there with him. On one hand, he sounds like he's being honest to you about her existence which is redeeming in a way. On the other hand, he doesn't seem to get the hint that this woman doesn't want to continue the friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 so how do I deal with that? Confront him anyway and then we go down the violation of privacy bs road again? No, you do not go down that road at all. Well, not until you have dealt with the matter at hand first. His inappropriate behaviour. This should be item 1 on the agenda. Once you have dealt with that, then you can discuss your lack of trust. Of course, you don't trust him because he is untrustworthy and you have evidence of that. Once he becomes trustworthy, you can start to trust him. But he can't expect you to trust him when he is showing complete lack of respect and total untrustworthiness. THAT is the road you go down. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I think you have every right to feel the way you're feeling. He's already demonstrated he's willing to have a relationship with a woman who is cheating, so it's not a stretch to assume he'd also BE a cheater. He needs to cease all contact with this woman. There is no other solution. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Way out of line in every way... Listen, I have a lot of ex's that still hang around. My new GF, and I agree with her, said no go on that, end of story. So I do not talk with them for any reason, because she is more important than any of them. She is a little leery of my past, and I get that, so I do everything in my power to make her feel safe, and let her know that she is the one and only. Your guy is not doing that, and he is cheating emotionally at the very least. You are going to have to be strong and lay down the law. Now, don't go crazy on him, and don't be a B****, just have an adult conversation. At some point in the conversation you have to say, "Bottom line, you being in contact with her make me uncomfortable. So you need to decide between me or her, that is your only option. I either matter more to you than any other woman, or I don't. If I don't then hit the road." With some people you have to be exactly that blunt... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Yah, I get you. If I were younger and not responsible for my daughter, I'd be gone 2 years ago - never looking back. But, I'm not even supposed to have seen these messages, so how do I deal with that? Confront him anyway and then we go down the violation of privacy bs road again? Feel like I can't address it at all. As I mentioned, we own a business together. It's not just my relationship, it's tied to my livelihood. In a good relationship there are no behind the back conversations with EXs. When dealing with former lovers, transparency is important. I actually did a business deal with my grad school EX. Before doing it I talked to my husband about it. He had questions & concerns. He wanted certain boundaries which I honored. I was dismayed to learn that my EX did not bother tell his wife that we were working together but then again, that is part of why he's an EX. Talk to a lawyer & a business valuation expert about having him buy you out of the business. You can't stay in business with somebody you don't trust. If he's hiding this from you, what else is he hiding? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I agree with everyone here that it's not appropriate. Mainly because of the hiding If he was transparent about this, sharing everything with you, allowing you to know her, than it was different. But hiding this "friendship" from you, and after you discovered that, lying to you about it, makes the whole thing to look bad. And I think this is the argument you should stick to. You should tell him that, of course, friendships with females aren't forbidden, but if it was friendship, he wouldn't hide it and lie about it. Since he did, that it's not just friendship, sharp and clear. So he must cut everything with this woman, not because of you, but because of HIM. If he refuses, it means that he refuses to take responsibility for his mistakes. Why would you want to stay with a man that throws responsibility on others, when it's his mistakes? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I need to know what others think...is this okay and am I just too old fashioned? My SO and I have been together for 6 years. Before we met, he divorced his wife and met a woman who was married. They were friends, and they fooled around behind her husband's back. She lives in another state. She is still married. When my SO and I started dating seriously, he went to see her. I thought it was a goodbye of sorts and I was okay with that (we had just begun to date exclusively). Two years ago, I discovered that they have been messaging each other. I honestly didn't try and snoop - we work together, live together, have combined our families, etc. It made me very upset, as I thought things were done between them. He claimed that they are just friends and treated me like I was crazy jealous and totally in the wrong. He said that he should be able to have friends and that is all that they are. We made up and things were better after a while and he said he wasn't talking to her anymore. Well, so here I am again and they are still messaging each other. Now, he has said things like he wants to see her, wants to talk to her, wishes he had his pilot license still so he could fly down, see her and be back by dinner. She doesn't seem to reciprocate his forward messages...tells him to go and get me if he wants a massage...etc... Anyway, they text several times a week, usually between 10 and midnight. Here I am...divorcee, raising a daughter who has already been through a broken home, living with a man who obviously isn't over the woman he could never have...but, we own a company together, we live together, my daughter is attached to him, his son is attached to me. I know that there is no way that he will ever be able to act on these feelings for her since she is so far away. But it still feels like cheating. Am I right, or old fashioned? I don't think there is anything I can do about it this time. I should never have seen the messages to begin with. So, how do I swallow that lump of betrayal and still lie down with this man who is thinking of another while he is with me? The real problem is with yourself. Why would you even countenance putting your child into a broken situation when you've recently emerged from one? Is your thought process so skewed that you will accept such a man as a father figure for your child? You've been with him for 6 years? He never stopped messaging her and has probably done so over the entire 6 years. Are you really this desperate that you will accept such treatment for a number of years only to be surprised when it happens again? Realize that you do not require anyone else to raise your daughter. You need to be stronger than this. Your SO knows that emotionally you need him more than he needs you. Which is why he seems to pay little attention to your concerns. We teach people how to treat us by how we carry ourselves. Stop teaching him to treat you with such utter disregard for you. And before you say that you KNOW he'll never cheat on you, what in the hell do you think he is doing right now? His ex could simply block him and that would be an end to the messages. but obviously she has left this door open by not doing so. Why? You know the answer. Now get off your duff and do something about it. This stuff WILL affect your relationship with your daughter in the future if you don't show some intestinal fortitude today.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chaparral Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Send her husband anonymous message if you want to break up their relationship. It would be better to dump his cheating butt though. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 No it isn't automatically cheating.. but in this case I do believe it is.. and has been for a while.. If he isn't giving it to her her certainly wants to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Yes, I think it is cheating and at least a betrayal of trust. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Before we met, he divorced his wife and met a woman who was married. They were friends, and they fooled around behind her husband's back. She lives in another state. She is still married. He claimed that they are just friends and treated me like I was crazy jealous and totally in the wrong. He said that he should be able to have friends and that is all that they are. To be clear, they claimed to be just friends as they cheated behind her husband's back; I am sure that they told her husband what he is now telling you, that she "should be able to have friends and that is all that they" were, as they abused his trust and had sex with each other. Now they are telling you the same thing, and he has the nerve to says that you are "crazy jealous" for not believing a proven pair of cheating liars that already have a history of cheating with each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 (edited) I need to know what others think...is this okay and am I just too old fashioned? My SO and I have been together for 6 years. Before we met, he divorced his wife and met a woman who was married. They were friends, and they fooled around behind her husband's back. She lives in another state. She is still married. When my SO and I started dating seriously, he went to see her. I thought it was a goodbye of sorts and I was okay with that (we had just begun to date exclusively). Two years ago, I discovered that they have been messaging each other. I honestly didn't try and snoop - we work together, live together, have combined our families, etc. It made me very upset, as I thought things were done between them. He claimed that they are just friends and treated me like I was crazy jealous and totally in the wrong. He said that he should be able to have friends and that is all that they are. We made up and things were better after a while and he said he wasn't talking to her anymore. Well, so here I am again and they are still messaging each other. Now, he has said things like he wants to see her, wants to talk to her, wishes he had his pilot license still so he could fly down, see her and be back by dinner. She doesn't seem to reciprocate his forward messages...tells him to go and get me if he wants a massage...etc... Anyway, they text several times a week, usually between 10 and midnight. Here I am...divorcee, raising a daughter who has already been through a broken home, living with a man who obviously isn't over the woman he could never have...but, we own a company together, we live together, my daughter is attached to him, his son is attached to me. I know that there is no way that he will ever be able to act on these feelings for her since she is so far away. But it still feels like cheating. Am I right, or old fashioned? I don't think there is anything I can do about it this time. I should never have seen the messages to begin with. So, how do I swallow that lump of betrayal and still lie down with this man who is thinking of another while he is with me? Your relationship is dysfunctional and you are settling for a love less than you (or anyone) deserves. Your choices are to either make a plan to extricate yourself from the situation with minimal disruption to the kids, and find someone who will truly love you, or you accept your situation and live with it. Think hard about that because he will never truly love you and you will likely become increasingly bitter about that over time. My personal opinion is that you don't swallow it, you don't settle, you do the hard work necessary to move on. I mean, he's being "forward" ... WTF is that. How disrespectful to you. Edited January 31, 2018 by fredflint 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 He has never stopped cheating with her. yes.... ^^ This 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Yah, I get you. If I were younger and not responsible for my daughter, I'd be gone 2 years ago - never looking back. But, I'm not even supposed to have seen these messages, so how do I deal with that? Confront him anyway and then we go down the violation of privacy bs road again? Feel like I can't address it at all. As I mentioned, we own a business together. It's not just my relationship, it's tied to my livelihood. You don't owe him a reason to leave him. Just make a plan, and try to make it gentle on the kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 No, you do not go down that road at all. Well, not until you have dealt with the matter at hand first. His inappropriate behaviour. This should be item 1 on the agenda. Once you have dealt with that, then you can discuss your lack of trust. Of course, you don't trust him because he is untrustworthy and you have evidence of that. Once he becomes trustworthy, you can start to trust him. But he can't expect you to trust him when he is showing complete lack of respect and total untrustworthiness. THAT is the road you go down. In her shoes, I wouldn't even waste my time trying to fix him. Even if she gets assurances (1) she can't trust him (2) he IS NEVER GOING TO LOVE HER Link to post Share on other sites
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