Great relationship.. Mediocre sex.

[LilySun]

Guy I've been seeing is great. We get along perfectly, he treats me wonderful, and we have tons of interests in common. But, for being a newer relationship, sex is well.. Mediocre. I wouldn't say terrible. But it reminds me of sex between a couple that's already been together for years.

 

He isn't the best looking guy I've dated but that didn't stop me because we have so much chemistry in other ways. But I don't feel like I we are exactly hot for each other. I picture new relationships being on fire like you can't wait to get each others clothes off. But with me and him it's like we have sex simply because we are there in bed and it's the obvious thing to do.

 

On the other token, every guy I had intense sexual chemistry with, turned out to be a jerk. I'm convinced I can only have 1 or the other.. A super nice guy with lots in common and mediocre sex... Or a super hot sex life and put up with other crap.

 

But is every new relationship supposed to be intense in the physical sense, or do I just watch too many movies where it's crazy, get your clothes off and f$$k me kind of thing? We get along so extremely well and I have fun. But I don't feel this physical level between us. What do I do?

[Happy Lemming]

Teach him what you like... I'm willing to bet if you give him some pointers, he could better in bed.

 

I encourage women to tell me what feels good, a little to the left, higher up, faster, slower... You get the picture.

 

I had one woman tell me to pull her hair. I had another who wanted me to choke her, but I insisted on a "safe word" for that instance.

 

Its OK for the woman to be the aggressor in the bedroom.

 

I am assuming you are both consenting adults, of course.

[LilySun]

I should try being more forward. Maybe that would help. But in the past I've dated guys where all I do is look at them and can't wait to tear his shirt off. Even though I like this guy, I'm don't get that feeling around him. But it's not like I'm repulsed by him either.

[Happy Lemming]

I should try being more forward. Maybe that would help. But in the past I've dated guys where all I do is look at them and can't wait to tear his shirt off. Even though I like this guy, I'm don't get that feeling around him. But it's not like I'm repulsed by him either.

 

I think I am hearing the word "average"... as you describe this guy.

 

And what has been your track record with the guys you want to tear the shirt off of... Oh Yea, they treated you poorly.

 

Here is an average guy that likes you, treats you well and you have chemistry with. That's great!!

 

Is there something you'd like done to you to change your "Vanilla" sex??

 

He sounds like a good guy that just needs some polishing, different hair, different sunglasses, I dunno... You tell me what would clean him up a bit.

[LilySun]

I think I am hearing the word "average"... as you describe this guy.

 

And what has been your track record with the guys you want to tear the shirt off of... Oh Yea, they treated you poorly.

 

Here is an average guy that likes you, treats you well and you have chemistry with. That's great!!

 

Exactly right, the guys who turn me on instantly have been jerks in the end. So I guess it's a matter of just expressing what I want and like more.

 

Is there something you'd like done to you to change your "Vanilla" sex??

 

He sounds like a good guy that just needs some polishing, different hair, different sunglasses, I dunno... You tell me what would clean him up a bit.

 

Haha.. Yeah I'd say he's average. If I could change anything it would be for him to lose weight, but he isn't obese by any means. Just has quite a belly going on. Whether or not that has anything to do with attraction I'm not not sure. He is also shorter, vs taller than me, generally I've always been most tuned on by guys that are taller. But I can't say if that has anything to do with our sexual compatibility... I just don't know.

[Happy Lemming]

Haha.. Yeah I'd say he's average. If I could change anything it would be for him to lose weight, but he isn't obese by any means. Just has quite a belly going on. Whether or not that has anything to do with attraction I'm not not sure. He is also shorter, vs taller than me, generally I've always been most tuned on by guys that are taller. But I can't say if that has anything to do with our sexual compatibility... I just don't know.

 

Personally, I've dated women who have been 4' 10" to 6' 1"...

 

And I've dated woman who weighed 98 pounds to 305 pounds...

 

My favorite women have been the ones that treated me well.

 

Does your guy want to loose his belly, if so help him... suggest long walks, veggie meals. You may also include talks about healthier eating relating to cholesterol and sugar levels, which can be a problem later in life if one eats poorly at a younger age.

 

Based on what you are writing he sounds like a pretty good guy. Maybe just help him a little bit with the minor issues.

 

Just my two cents....

[Springsummer]

Oh, well, just put it bluntly: The guy is not phyically attractive, that's all. It is hard to find a woman to be attracted to a guy who is shorter, average looking and has a belly. Crude reality. I know. just how life is.

 

The last guy I was attracted to has the best abs around and a handsome face. I did have the feeling wanting to take his shirt off...I rarely find that kind of physical attraction. too bad, he was too young for me and I don't think he is crazy about me.

 

I am still wonder what if I acted on my instinct...

[Springsummer]

he just doesn't turn you on...you just have to pick your 'poison', I guess.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I can't say if that has anything to do with our sexual compatibility... I just don't know.

 

Were he asked, what do you think his opinion of your sexlife would be ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tribble]

This isn't so simple as hot guy with hot sex treats you like a jerk vs average guy with mediocre sex treats you well. I truly believe you can have both.

 

My ex was not what would be considered attractive. He has extra weight and everyone said I was well out of his league. But I wanted to rip his shirt off and have sex with him all the time. Something beyond the physical drew me to him. But, we were friends for quite some time before then and spent a lot of time together, which allowed me to grow in my attraction to him before we took it to the next level.

 

The question is, do you think the passion can grow? I take from your post that it's not necessarily the sex itself, it's the lust and hunger that is missing. For me, I never have that immediately because I need to get to know someone first. How is it for you?

 

I don't think you should stay with someone because they're a good person and treat you well. That's a friend. A romantic relationship needs something more to bind you together. I'm not saying to throw in the towel, but if you think this is all the relationship has to offer, do you want to stay? If you think it can grow, I'd give it more time.

[BluesPower]

You can have both...

 

And, I just think that you don't settle. The attraction issue just never gets better.

 

I think that you don't stay in this type of relationship for very long. Maybe a good place holder.

 

And think of it this way, he knows that you are not that into him that way, unless he is stupid, and yet he is with you.

 

What does that say about him?

[gaius]

Nah, you can't have both. At best you might be able to find a jerk who directs most of his jerkness at other people but treats you rather well. Not gonna get high testosterone behavior from some bland nice guy.

[Els]

Guy I've been seeing is great. We get along perfectly, he treats me wonderful, and we have tons of interests in common. But, for being a newer relationship, sex is well.. Mediocre. I wouldn't say terrible. But it reminds me of sex between a couple that's already been together for years.

 

I really wouldn't assume that couples who "have been together for years" have mediocre sex, either.

 

That being said, I wouldn't necessarily say dump him, if things are good otherwise. It's entirely possible to have both a great partner and a great lover, yes, but sometimes great lovers are made. Do you communicate with him about how things could be improved, or what you would like in bed? It might be as simple as having a few sexy talks about fantasies and desires. He can't give you what you want if he doesn't know what you want.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don’t think that anything can be made from pure lack of physical chemistry. This is not about experimenting or sexual mechanics.

 

Having said that, there are many relationships like this where both partners are still reasonably happy without overwhelming sexual attraction. Having it all is rare and you must be prepared to be single for a long time if that’s what you want. If this guy makes you happier than being single then by all means stay.

 

I get the belly thing. Most middle aged men develop a largish gut and it almost repulses me

[Summer08]

Nah, you can't have both. At best you might be able to find a jerk who directs most of his jerkness at other people but treats you rather well. Not gonna get high testosterone behavior from some bland nice guy.

 

I disagree with you Gaius. A jerk is a jerk. If he treats others like crap he will eventually treat you like crap.

[Guildford]

The men you date turn out to be a passionate jerk or a nice guy who is mediocre in bed. Please remember that the nice guy has a big disadvantage in the bed room – he believes that he must be a gentleman, he is not entitled to sex and must proceed with caution lest he offend his date. The jerk believes that he is entitled to the sex and he doesn’t care about your feelings. That being said, here are a few suggestions:

 

1. Follow the Golden Rule and ripe his shirt off in a fit of passion,

2. When you are planning on sex, wear clothes that are inexpensive and revealing and then play the tease,

3. When he wants sex, tell him if he wants it he must take it by force,

4. Be proactive.

 

I was looking for a new girlfriend when I met my wife and I was attracted to her, but thought that she was so sweet and innocent that it would be months of holding hands and a good-night kiss. That is until she initiated our first make out session, after that I was all over her. Sometimes you have to prime the pump.

[Eternal Sunshine]

The problem is, if you are not that attracted, all the suggestions in this thread are forced. You are just not feeling it. I cringe to think that people actually have to force it that much in the bedroom at the start of a relationship.

[BluesPower]

Nah, you can't have both. At best you might be able to find a jerk who directs most of his jerkness at other people but treats you rather well. Not gonna get high testosterone behavior from some bland nice guy.

 

Gotta disagree...

 

My latest R is an example. Great sexual chemistry, really great, and a wonderful affection, emotional, general chemistry that I have never had before.

 

I have had both with others, but not this good in all areas.

[central]

You can have a good man, good chemistry, and good sex. Others you mentioned weren't good men, even when you had good chemistry and sex. This one lacks the good sex and there is no passion. Move on.

 

You can have it all, with some compromises, of course. He may not be the handsomest or the wealthiest, etc., but if the passion and compatibility exist, those things don't really matter.

[JuneL]

Your situation was completely different though. You were attracted to her, just that you thought she's sexually conservative. But it sounds like it would be a big chore for the OP to do any of the things you suggested. I also think this is not directly related to his objective physical looks per se.

 

The men you date turn out to be a passionate jerk or a nice guy who is mediocre in bed. Please remember that the nice guy has a big disadvantage in the bed room – he believes that he must be a gentleman, he is not entitled to sex and must proceed with caution lest he offend his date. The jerk believes that he is entitled to the sex and he doesn’t care about your feelings. That being said, here are a few suggestions:

 

1. Follow the Golden Rule and ripe his shirt off in a fit of passion,

2. When you are planning on sex, wear clothes that are inexpensive and revealing and then play the tease,

3. When he wants sex, tell him if he wants it he must take it by force,

4. Be proactive.

 

I was looking for a new girlfriend when I met my wife and I was attracted to her, but thought that she was so sweet and innocent that it would be months of holding hands and a good-night kiss. That is until she initiated our first make out session, after that I was all over her. Sometimes you have to prime the pump.

[Summer08]

You can have a good man, good chemistry, and good sex. Others you mentioned weren't good men, even when you had good chemistry and sex. This one lacks the good sex and there is no passion. Move on.

 

You can have it all, with some compromises, of course. He may not be the handsomest or the wealthiest, etc., but if the passion and compatibility exist, those things don't really matter.

 

...IDK.

 

In my experience passion has usually comes with a price and it's usually some emotional tension.

[Gaeta]

Sounds like you fell into *friendship* with this man and nothing further.

 

I don't think good relationships need wild-monkey-sex around the clock but you need 2 people that have a desire and a need for each others body. In a romantic relationship it's the sex that holds everything together, after sex you feel your love and connection to each other renewed. If you don't feel that way than you're not with the right man.

[LilySun]

Sounds like you fell into *friendship* with this man and nothing further.

 

I don't think good relationships need wild-monkey-sex around the clock but you need 2 people that have a desire and a need for each others body. In a romantic relationship it's the sex that holds everything together, after sex you feel your love and connection to each other renewed. If you don't feel that way than you're not with the right man.

 

We desire affection with each other. We like to cuddle, kiss, hold hands. We are always told what a great couple we make. We both seem pretty happy in each other's company.

 

But the sex feels like, well we're horny so let's do it. We get the job done. But still, I don't feel sparks flying or anything of that nature when it happens. Part of me is fine with that. Other part of me wonders if this is abnormal.

[Happy Lemming]

...well we're horny so let's do it. We get the job done. But still, I don't feel sparks flying...

 

You make sex sound like taking out the garbage... get the job done??

 

Do you think there is anything he can do to get the "sparks flying"??

[LilySun]

You make sex sound like taking out the garbage... get the job done??

 

Do you think there is anything he can do to get the "sparks flying"??

 

Honestly not sure. He could stand to be a bit more aggressive maybe. I will try telling him that. I really don't want to be more aggressive myself but maybe I should try.