Happy Lemming Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 maybe I should try. No... try not, do or do not, there is no try - Yoda Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 ^ lol Yeah, I couldn’t do it... sexual incompatibility is a big no-no 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 We desire affection with each other. We like to cuddle, kiss, hold hands. We are always told what a great couple we make. We both seem pretty happy in each other's company. But the sex feels like, well we're horny so let's do it. We get the job done. But still, I don't feel sparks flying or anything of that nature when it happens. Part of me is fine with that. Other part of me wonders if this is abnormal. How long have you been dating him and are you developing feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
Summer08 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 We desire affection with each other. We like to cuddle, kiss, hold hands. We are always told what a great couple we make. We both seem pretty happy in each other's company. But the sex feels like, well we're horny so let's do it. We get the job done. But still, I don't feel sparks flying or anything of that nature when it happens. Part of me is fine with that. Other part of me wonders if this is abnormal. TBH it sounds like you have a great relationship. If you let this go in hopes of finding a mad passionate love you might end up used, sad and alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilySun Posted January 31, 2018 Author Share Posted January 31, 2018 TBH it sounds like you have a great relationship. If you let this go in hopes of finding a mad passionate love you might end up used, sad and alone. Yes that is where my dilemma lies. We get along so well and have all the same interests, he treats me good, and people say we look great together. That by itself is hard to find. So to run just because it's not hot sweaty sex.. Seems silly. If I keep chasing after the fairy tale of a perfect package, I'll never find it. But I do wish there was more passion between us in the bedroom. I can't place it all on level of attraction either because in the past I've passionate sex with men who I wouldn't consider the best looking. I'm having trouble understanding why this is missing for us when everything else is so good. I don't like the thought of talking to him about this because I don't want to give the wrong idea that he's not good in bed. How well he performs isn't the problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 I don't like the thought of talking to him about this because I don't want to give the wrong idea that he's not good in bed. How well he performs isn't the problem. Don't talk to him... tell him what he is going to do to you. (Night 1) Turn you over, pull your hair and plow you like there is no tomorrow. (Night 2) Reverse cow-girl him like you want to break the bed. (Night 3) Naked night, no clothes the entire evening (ending in his choice of position) (Night 4) Toys, bring some in and let him watch I could go on and on, but you get the picture, don't talk... just do. You might discover he has a little kink he's been hiding and it may be exactly what you need. You never know unless you act!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer08 Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Yes that is where my dilemma lies. We get along so well and have all the same interests, he treats me good, and people say we look great together. That by itself is hard to find. So to run just because it's not hot sweaty sex.. Seems silly. If I keep chasing after the fairy tale of a perfect package, I'll never find it. But I do wish there was more passion between us in the bedroom. I can't place it all on level of attraction either because in the past I've passionate sex with men who I wouldn't consider the best looking. I'm having trouble understanding why this is missing for us when everything else is so good. I don't like the thought of talking to him about this because I don't want to give the wrong idea that he's not good in bed. How well he performs isn't the problem. Sexual chemistry doesn't have much to do with bedroom techniques. It's all psychological: How you flirt together, sarcastic jokes with sexual tension underneath, the way he looks into your eyes and makes you focus on him and him only. I've had boyfriends where the relationship was all passion. Once you start to have sex the physical technique is good to have but the talking and eye contact are what get you hot. You CANNOT teach a man to act this way. Unfortunately, men who know how to do this have high sex drives and are more apt to cheat. You have to decide what is the most important to your life. What need must be satisfied most for your survival. You won't get everything on your husband wish list but you can get the top priority stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Yes that is where my dilemma lies. We get along so well and have all the same interests, he treats me good, and people say we look great together. That by itself is hard to find. So to run just because it's not hot sweaty sex.. Seems silly. If I keep chasing after the fairy tale of a perfect package, I'll never find it. But I do wish there was more passion between us in the bedroom. I can't place it all on level of attraction either because in the past I've passionate sex with men who I wouldn't consider the best looking. I'm having trouble understanding why this is missing for us when everything else is so good. I don't like the thought of talking to him about this because I don't want to give the wrong idea that he's not good in bed. How well he performs isn't the problem. I got a question. Your title says the sex is mediocre. Then you say the sex is not hot sweaty. To me that's 2 different issues. Mediocre means the sex is bad as in it leaves you unsatisfied. You can have very satisfying and fulfilling sex without it being wild and sweaty. So what is your problem exactly? The sex is bad, or the sex is great and you just want it more wild? Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 I got a question. Your title says the sex is mediocre. Then you say the sex is not hot sweaty. To me that's 2 different issues. Mediocre means the sex is bad as in it leaves you unsatisfied. You can have very satisfying and fulfilling sex without it being wild and sweaty. So what is your problem exactly? The sex is bad, or the sex is great and you just want it more wild? She said they are not hot for each other. That's why the sex feels mediocre. Lily, I think I couldn't go forward in the relationship if I felt the way you are feeling. Having been in a very long term relationship (18 years) where I was not as attracted to my husband as I wish I had been, I would never put myself in that situation again. It didn't get better with time. I was best friends with him, we had lots in common, and he was handsome when he was younger (he gained a lot of weight during the relationship and ended up with a huge belly, with a strong family history of heart disease and obesity, diabetes, etc. so not great for so many reasons). If sex isn't that important to you, it may be okay, but if it is... Link to post Share on other sites
Guildford Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 OP said, "Honestly not sure. He could stand to be a bit more aggressive maybe. I will try telling him that. I really don't want to be more aggressive myself but maybe I should try." It appears that you are not willing to do that which you want your boyfriend to do, that is to suddenly develop a strong passion in the bedroom. My question is: if your boyfriend did suddenly approach you with unbridled passion, would you be able to respond in kind? If not then I suspect that would be the last time he would exhibit such passion. Don’t forget that for your passionate/jerk boyfriends such action was part of their repertoire and came naturally, but for your boyfriend he must work at it. This whole #meto campaign is not helpful to women of your ilk. Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 OP said, "Honestly not sure. He could stand to be a bit more aggressive maybe. I will try telling him that. I really don't want to be more aggressive myself but maybe I should try." It appears that you are not willing to do that which you want your boyfriend to do, that is to suddenly develop a strong passion in the bedroom. My question is: if your boyfriend did suddenly approach you with unbridled passion, would you be able to respond in kind? If not then I suspect that would be the last time he would exhibit such passion. Don’t forget that for your passionate/jerk boyfriends such action was part of their repertoire and came naturally, but for your boyfriend he must work at it. This whole #meto campaign is not helpful to women of your ilk. The me too campaign is about consent and power differentials and a host of other related issues, NOT being dominant or passive in the bedroom. She is allowed to take a passive role in sex if that is what she is most comfortable with. She is trying to decide how she feels about the guy. What do you mean by “women of your ilk?” 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Guildford Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 "women of her ilk" means single women who want their new boyfriends to approach sex with more passion. My son told me that there are young men who are now concerned with their aggressive approach to women in the past and some have asked past girlfriends and acquaintances if everything is "cool" between them. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 talk to him and give him a chance. most guys are not mind readers. I am not a mind reader. show him what you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Was this the guy who was going to rape and kill you in his cabin according to all the posters in your prior thread? I have to laugh at the irony because everyone said he was going to use you for sex and now that he’s not performing to par he might get dumped. Assuming this is the same dude. The funny thing about sex is, time wise, it only represents a very small fraction of the relationship. However, the intimacy created (or not created) can have rippling effects. You have to decide how important it is to you. This issue is why I got divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 @LilySun, I don't think you ever said how long you've been dating this guy. How many times would you say you've had sex with him? If it's less than, say, 10, you're still figuring things out, and should hold back on any huge judgments or conclusions. More than 10, less than 25: you're already developing a clear picture, and it's safe to conclude: not great. Above that, you are actively committed to a relationship lacking sexual fire, and it's time to decide whether that's a dealbreaker. * Of course I'm just tossing out pretty arbitrary numbers here. Obviously it's not hard math. I think another important question is whether you think HE might feel equally disappointed by the mediocre sex. If he believes things are going great, that's a problem. But if he's in the position as you, you have two people battling "bleh" chemistry who can either 1) learn to live with that compromised outcome, 2) actively work to try to spice things up, via direct communication. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilySun Posted February 1, 2018 Author Share Posted February 1, 2018 Mediocre to me means its in between so its not bad but its also not great. Climax isnt an issue its what comes before that, its just not very passionate. We started talkinh and met almost a year ago. Really got to together a couple months ago. Sex started around 1 month ago and I dont know how many times, probably 10 times or so. Maybe its is his personality, because he is very laid back and shy sometimes. He isnt the type that tries to act sexy, in fact I have wondered if sex is really just not that important to him. Because he always wants to see me and make future plans (like we have summer plans already) and he has said he is ready for a lifetime relationship. Its as though sex is low on his priority list. But how much does sex even matter when you are old and crippled anyway? We take good care of each other (like if we are sick or what not...we have both been sick in yhe last few weeks. I realize these kind of things in the end are more important in the long term. I am far from dumping him at this point as someone said.I like him very much and I dont like the thought of ending it over this. So perhaps its something I just need to live with and appreciate more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Was this the guy who was going to rape and kill you in his cabin according to all the posters in your prior thread?. I would assume it's not the same man. The man in her last thread was a stranger she met, this guy here she's known for 2,5 years. I'm sure curious to know what happened with the cabin-guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Nevermind. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyKatLady Posted February 5, 2018 Share Posted February 5, 2018 I don't know what a person would do in this situation...when I am attracted to a man it is always because he stimulates my mind in some way or he did/said something bold to garner my attention...so I am not so much occupied with the physical contact, as I am preoccupied with the nonphysical aspects of intimacy...once he has my time and attention, the physical component is always just the icing on the cake for me. You could grab some adult toys, role-play, watch naughty videos together or make your own...have foreplay that starts outside of the bedroom, like a designated weekly/monthly date night so that the anticipation builds...talk dirty once in a while to each other... Maybe I am a bit of a narcissist or something, but thinking of ways to turn my partner on gets the mood going in my head too...take some time to maybe think of dirty things to do with your partner...if he/she isn't really doing it for you physically, then switch over to the mental side and create a fantasy that gets you hot and bothered again with that person...have fun! Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted February 5, 2018 Share Posted February 5, 2018 (edited) Not sure I understand. Sounds like he is not that interested either? BOTH of you kind of look at each other in bed and its like "well ok I guess". My view is this - sex rarely gets better as the relationship goes onward. Add marriage and kids - and take 50% off what you have now. Whether sex or non sexual compatibility - there are minimums for a LTR. Keep looking. Sorry he does sound like a nice guy. Edited February 5, 2018 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted February 5, 2018 Share Posted February 5, 2018 Nah, you can't have both. At best you might be able to find a jerk who directs most of his jerkness at other people but treats you rather well. Not gonna get high testosterone behavior from some bland nice guy. I don't know about that. I've known guys who were talk, handsome, and kind. I've had more issues from less attractive men to be honest. ---- I don't think op is attracted to her boyfriend, plain and simple. Is the op willing to date a nice guy who she's not attracted to? Maybe he can sense she's not into him sexually. Has the op asked him what he thought about the sex? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted February 5, 2018 Share Posted February 5, 2018 Nah, you can't have both. At best you might be able to find a jerk who directs most of his jerkness at other people but treats you rather well. Not gonna get high testosterone behavior from some bland nice guy. Personally, I've dated women who have been 4' 10" to 6' 1"... And I've dated woman who weighed 98 pounds to 305 pounds... My favorite women have been the ones that treated me well. Does your guy want to loose his belly, if so help him... suggest long walks, veggie meals. You may also include talks about healthier eating relating to cholesterol and sugar levels, which can be a problem later in life if one eats poorly at a younger age. Based on what you are writing he sounds like a pretty good guy. Maybe just help him a little bit with the minor issues. Just my two cents.... To be fair, an overweight woman and an overweight man are not entirely comparable... Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 (edited) It reads like you have fallen into a, this is how it is and will always be so. If you want change you have to make it happen, never underestimate the power if sexual tension. This might be having a date night underwear drawer, hasn't got to be trashy, a dress that you know shows a little, rather than letting it all out there, sexy footwear, meet at a bar and be a little late he he can watch you arrive. flirt, without scaring him off, book a room somewhere, shake it up, sometimes the same old routine makes fir the same old, if you get me. Maybe he has this idea that you might run for the hills if he is more passionate. Sometimes we have to take the lead, if you cannot have a frank conversation now, then you might never be able to. I would use the we word rather than make it all about what he isn't doing ask him what he likes, he might surprise you. Edited February 6, 2018 by seren Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 Mediocre to me means its in between so its not bad but its also not great. Climax isnt an issue its what comes before that, its just not very passionate. We started talkinh and met almost a year ago. Really got to together a couple months ago. Sex started around 1 month ago and I dont know how many times, probably 10 times or so. Maybe its is his personality, because he is very laid back and shy sometimes. He isnt the type that tries to act sexy, in fact I have wondered if sex is really just not that important to him. Because he always wants to see me and make future plans (like we have summer plans already) and he has said he is ready for a lifetime relationship. Its as though sex is low on his priority list. Lots of people are laid back and shy IRL, yet are completely different once it comes down to actually having sex. This is certainly the case for the SO and I - if you met us IRL, you would have absolutely no idea what goes down in our bedroom! Also, prioritizing a lifetime relationship and other aspects of a relationship doesn't mean that you can't have crazy, hot, passionate sex at the same time. It means that, yes, sometimes you choose to spend that Saturday going out together instead of spending all day in bed together, and if your partner is sick you take care of them without expecting anything in return instead of demanding that they "take care" of your "needs"... but when you DO have sex, it can still be everything you've ever dreamed it could be. But how much does sex even matter when you are old and crippled anyway? We take good care of each other (like if we are sick or what not...we have both been sick in yhe last few weeks. I realize these kind of things in the end are more important in the long term. I am far from dumping him at this point as someone said.I like him very much and I dont like the thought of ending it over this. So perhaps its something I just need to live with and appreciate more.Many of us have explicitly NOT said "dump him". In fact, this was my advice to you, earlier in the thread: That being said, I wouldn't necessarily say dump him, if things are good otherwise. It's entirely possible to have both a great partner and a great lover, yes, but sometimes great lovers are made. Do you communicate with him about how things could be improved, or what you would like in bed? It might be as simple as having a few sexy talks about fantasies and desires. He can't give you what you want if he doesn't know what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 I should try being more forward. Maybe that would help. But in the past I've dated guys where all I do is look at them and can't wait to tear his shirt off. Even though I like this guy, I'm don't get that feeling around him. But it's not like I'm repulsed by him either. It reads like you have fallen into a, this is how it is and will always be so. If you want change you have to make it happen, never underestimate the power if sexual tension. This might be having a date night underwear drawer, hasn't got to be trashy, a dress that you know shows a little, rather than letting it all out there, sexy footwear, meet at a bar and be a little late he he can watch you arrive. flirt, without scaring him off, book a room somewhere, shake it up, sometimes the same old routine makes fir the same old, if you get me. Maybe he has this idea that you might run for the hills if he is more passionate. Sometimes we have to take the lead, if you cannot have a frank conversation now, then you might never be able to. I would use the we word rather than make it all about what he isn't doing ask him what he likes, he might surprise you. Is that the problem though? It sounds like she's just not into him sexually. There's not much fixing that, only acceptance. A gym membership for him would be a better investment than toys, undies, etc. Op's boyfriend may be sweet, but perhaps he's not the working out type. It's hard to go from hottie to average guy. That would be like a guy going from Beyonce to a soft soccer mom. Id almost say it's more difficult to go from hot guy to average guy than from hot women to average woman. Link to post Share on other sites
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