fredflint Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 (edited) I've heard of this phrase, which I understand to mean keeping the marriage partner and the affair partner at the same time. Not choosing one or the other. I'm curious as to what the reasons are why cheaters do this, in particular which reasons are most significant. Clearly having this situation must cause a lot of stress and drama and guilt for the cheater, so it must be worth it in some big ways. Is it primarily a risk reduction thing? Because cheaters are afraid of making the wrong choice? Edited January 30, 2018 by fredflint Link to post Share on other sites
treehugger12 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Because they can, it’s the excitement of it, I think personally people get bored in their marriages/relationships. Sad to say...that’s just my thought. It’s a horrible thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 (edited) I can't say from experience, but I think that there are a couple of reasons. First, the marriage may lack something, but there are many good things about it that the cheater does not want to lose, so they get that need filled elsewhere. The side piece is there to fill a need, but must be stroked to keep them around, and it is very rare for a cheater to leave for their affair partner. Or, the marriage may be great, and nothing is wrong or missing, but the cheater simply wants more of that, or an additional thrill. Again, they want to keep the marriage, and will manipulate their affair partner to keep the enjoyment going. In the above, someone is almost always going to get hurt. And there is one other scenario, where it's an honest, consensual open relationship, where everyone involved has chosen to do this. This could be an open relationship or a polyamorous one. But, people will cheat instead, because in most cases they will never get informed consent from their partner(s). Edited January 30, 2018 by central 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Fredflint, Please disabuse yourself of the notion that cheaters are poor confused people who can't make a choice Cheaters are quite able to choose but they don't want to because they want both people. Let's face it, if they wanted their spouse (or primary partner) they wouldn't be cheating. If they wanted the AP then they would be taking steps to leave the marriage/primary relationship, file for divorce and move on. The fact that they sit on the fence for days/weeks/months (and sometimes years ) shows that they want both relationships. They want the respectability/stability/familiarity of the marriage/primary realtionship and the adrenaline driven highs of the affair - and they want them concurrently. IME as long as you allow people to "have their cake and eat it" they will continue to do so. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Big world, lots of people, the id loves attention. Basic psychology. The rest of the stuff is socialized into us under forced conscription to societal and religious norms. Who benefits from rules, laws and conscription of human behavior? Follow the money! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer08 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Fredflint, Please disabuse yourself of the notion that cheaters are poor confused people who can't make a choice Cheaters are quite able to choose but they don't want to because they want both people. Let's face it, if they wanted their spouse (or primary partner) they wouldn't be cheating. If they wanted the AP then they would be taking steps to leave the marriage/primary relationship, file for divorce and move on. The fact that they sit on the fence for days/weeks/months (and sometimes years ) shows that they want both relationships. They want the respectability/stability/familiarity of the marriage/primary realtionship and the adrenaline driven highs of the affair - and they want them concurrently. IME as long as you allow people to "have their cake and eat it" they will continue to do so. This is a pretty good description. Also, I think homes where the mother or father didn't have strong moral and ethical values paints a strange picture for children. Even if the parents preach one way of acting but clearly don't "follow the rules" the children find moral structure difficult to understand and duplicate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 If I come to your house, go up to your kitchen counter where you keep that jar of change and take some and you look at me and shrug your shoulders and do nothing, guess what's going to happen every time I come to your house? Cake eating is what the wayward is allowed to get with. They cheat and then they tell you they can't decide between you or their boyfriend/girlfriend they need a little time!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 carhill, The rest of the stuff is socialized into us under forced conscription to societal and religious norms. Who benefits from rules, laws and conscription of human behavior? Hmmmm, sounds like monogamy-bashing to me, but I could be wrong In today's society there are so many different lifestyles that can be entered into - no-one has to sign up to monogamy if they don't want to Even people in 'open' relationships can be cheated on, because there are more "rules" in such lifestyles than in monogamous ones. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Imagine you have a car. It’s a great car you custom ordered it, fits you like a glove, it’s a great daily driver, dependable, fun to drive, you love driving this car. But there is also a super car that caught your eye. Its FAST, its exciting, it’s a bit dangerous, and finicky, you can’t drive it every day, but occasionally it’s a thrill. Do you get rid of your favorite car because there is also this exciting sports car? Or do you keep your daily driver, and take the sports car out for a spin on the weekends? That is cake eating. Now, I don’t know about these love affairs, where someone is struggling to choose between two, and have their emotions tied to both. But, I do know that there are many people who have lovely home lives, a great wife (or husband) who they are attracted to, and proud of – yet still take that sports car out for a spin (cheat). They feel like they can have both, so they take both. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 carhill, Hmmmm, sounds like monogamy-bashing to me, but I could be wrong In today's society there are so many different lifestyles that can be entered into - no-one has to sign up to monogamy if they don't want to Even people in 'open' relationships can be cheated on, because there are more "rules" in such lifestyles than in monogamous ones. Telling it like it is. It's more bashing, and targeting, of those who seek to control us for their own amusement and/or profit. I was socialized into it, monogamy, actually the extreme version of it, shudders, the Catholic version, practiced it and saw the realities around me and who benefited. You think I'll die any better or more pleasantly than the erstwhile heathens and criminals? Ha! Nope. Just die, dead, dust to dust. Think they wore out their knees on the wood in the confessional? Nope, living life to benefit themselves as all selfish humans are bred to do. The successful ones do it while being popular and don't let aspersions of cake-eating anywhere near their core. Who cares what others think? All mortal, will die, opinions are like pick your body orifice. Watch the cake-eaters who rule the planet for wonderful examples of how and why. New examples daily! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 If I come to your house, go up to your kitchen counter where you keep that jar of change and take some and you look at me and shrug your shoulders and do nothing, guess what's going to happen every time I come to your house? Cake eating is what the wayward is allowed to get with. They cheat and then they tell you they can't decide between you or their boyfriend/girlfriend they need a little time!!!! Or sometimes you choose and the cake begs and pleads with you for more time!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 I've heard of this phrase, which I understand to mean keeping the marriage partner and the affair partner at the same time. Not choosing one or the other. I'm curious as to what the reasons are why cheaters do this, in particular which reasons are most significant. Clearly having this situation must cause a lot of stress and drama and guilt for the cheater, so it must be worth it in some big ways. Is it primarily a risk reduction thing? Because cheaters are afraid of making the wrong choice? LOL They do it because cheaters are very good at compartmentalization. Cheaters need the spouse for comfort, and security. At the same time, they have affairs because they have the internal battle of wanting those feelings o Rainbow Farts and Unicorns like they had when they were first with their spouse. Now the spouse is good at changing diapers, doing things around the house, etc, While that provides security and comfort, to the cheater, that is not sexy nor makes the cheater feel needed. They simply want to relive the endorphin rush of feeling in love with their spouse, with someone else. I just wrote 2 short paragraphs of fairly innocuous copouts, which means that is the long winded version of what most people would call excuses...We all know the real reason is cheaters are just selfish scum who care for no one but themselves. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Narcissistic personality........ 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Because they can get away with it and are selfish. They like their marital status, but also like the fun and excitement of an affair. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Not making a choice is the choice they make.....their choice is both....normally cake eaters are given ultimatums and their choice to have both is not normally the way it ends..deb... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted February 7, 2018 Share Posted February 7, 2018 All this talk of cake is making me hungry. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Origin Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 Confusion. When people get confused they tend to go thru motions and since affairs are “fun” they don’t think about the risk or drama. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 For some people, one is not enough. Their need for intimacy and attention is boundless. Some are attractive enough to get it in spades. I think a good test would be to invoke that kind of power in everyone, perhaps only briefly, so we could see people for who they really are. Power does that. Attractiveness is power. The id shoves the superego out of the way and feeds. The bottomless cake. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author fredflint Posted May 27, 2018 Author Share Posted May 27, 2018 Confusion. When people get confused they tend to go thru motions and since affairs are “fun” they don’t think about the risk or drama. Can you explain what you mean by ... "people tend to go through motions when they are confused"? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 28, 2018 Share Posted May 28, 2018 It's because the betrayed spouse is normally to weak and affraid to make a decision to stop living in infidelity. In essence they keep themselves in it. Cake eaters love cake and will eat it until the betrayed spouse wakes up and stops feeding them 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Origin Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 Can you explain what you mean by ... "people tend to go through motions when they are confused"? Some but not all cheaters will go thru motions trying to figure out what they truly want. However this never works out in their favor because they like both (hence cake eating). After doing that so much they just go thru motions of being with both partners not truly knowing what they want. Its easier to go thru motions than to make a decision and deal with pain or dealing with guilt of inflicting pain(sounds twisted i know). One day turns into a week, a week into a month...you get the point. It all blows up when betrayed spouse/partner have had enough. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 Because they can get away with it and are selfish. They like their marital status, but also like the fun and excitement of an affair. Plus, the sneaking around being naughty turns them on and as long as there are people who don't mind sneaking around having sex with them the possibilities are endless. Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 Greed. That's why. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 Extreme selfishness and a lack of compassion for others. I got a firsthand look into the mind of one of these types with my ex. Her husband of some 20 years had divorced her because she cheated. I gave her a chance because I believed that she was remorseful. What I learned over the course of 2 years is that this woman was so selfish that there was nothing she wouldn't do to soothe herself and her own feelings, and that nobody else in the world mattered but her. I have no evidence that she cheated on me, but I would not be surprised if she did. Link to post Share on other sites
ElKay Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 Because why not? People can be very selfish and cake-eating could work in other situations if you think about it. If you had the option to earn money from two jobs, while only working one, wouldn't you do it? If you could eat your favorite food nonstop and never get fat, wouldn't you? If you could buy everything you wanted and didn't have to take out of your savings, wouldn't you? Granted, cheating hurts people, so it's a different kind of choice that cheaters have to make, but it's the same principle. They might think, why not if I'm getting away with it? Link to post Share on other sites
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