Most men are intimidated by successful women ? True or Myth??

[road]

I would not be intimidated by a successful woman.

 

Though what does scare me is that I have seen too many

successful wives become WW's and dump their unsuccessful

BH's.

 

Though I think your friends problem is she only knows how

to show/be her career person, not how to show/be a girlfriend.

 

I see a lot of blah, nothing to brag about women married

with kids.

 

So I will say the problem is the way she acts on the dating

market. Also if a woman is not getting asked out it is time

for her to start doing her own asking.

 

Better to find her own man then wait to be found by a man.

Specially when waiting is not working for her.

[Kamille]

I have a PhD as do two my single friends. We're all of us professors.

 

And I have wondered if it gets in the way.

 

I know it did when my first serious boyfriend and I split up: I had just gotten accepted in the PhD program of my dreams, he got a job with a prestigious organization. We tried long distance and couldn't make it work. He asked me to marry him and quit my program. I couldn't.

 

Another ex, a musician, flat out told me he was struggling because if we were to continue, I would likely be the high income earner. He said this was an issue for him because that likely meant he would be expected to set his career aside for the kids. I appreciated his honesty.

 

Yet another ex got resentful that "everything seemed to work out so easily for me".

 

But yet another ex had no issues at all with my career.

 

I think the biggest issue is the extent to which my job has been my identity. I love it and want to talk about it. So I need someone that doesn't feel threatened by it, someone who doesn't struggle with the idea that yeah, maybe I want support and admiration too. Still, I'm learning to detach and to define myself along other lines than my job. In the end it's just a job. An awesome job, but just a job.

 

But to sum up: yes some men are intimidated. Not all.

[thefooloftheyear]

If you live long enough, you realize that intellect and accomplishments are not only measured by framed documents on the wall or a job...Even knuckle draggers like me, have had more success, made more money, overcome more adversity, and are more well rounded than many multiple degreed pseudo intellects...

 

But the bottom line is that Ill never need anyone's money, and if someone else makes more, who cares? Some things in life you can never fix by throwing money at it and nothing you learned at the university is gonna help you, so just having what you think is a prestigious job or good salary doesn't really mean shyt at the end of the day, as far as those things are concerned...

 

Do you still want to know if I am intimidated??

 

 

TFY

Edited January 31, 2018 by thefooloftheyear

[alphamale]

i'm not going to play the "nice guy" card by saying i'm not intimidated by women who are more successful than me.

 

I am intimidated by them and I prefer not to date them.

[RecentChange]

I know a few "high achievers", a PhD / founder of a booming medical start up. A COO / PhD engineer, a MBA marketing director of a large firm.

 

I wouldn't say that intimidation is their limiting factor, it's their marriage to their work.

 

Out of these three, all are unmarried, but all have had a handful of long term relationships. Its not that they meet many men and non stick.

 

It's just hard for them to maintain relationships I think between because of their dedication to their work, and jet setting life style (all three travel for work often).

[Purepony]

Maybe her standards are too high ?

Or maybe she’s too driven and busy with work to make a relationship work ?

 

Most women who make decent or a lot of money usually flash it and have high standards but I’m in Los Angeles so you can imagine the clowns out here.

 

Personally I think it would be a plus but it depends on person and their intentions at least to me

[FilterCoffee]

My gf being more successful in itself wouldn’t bother me. In fact, it would be kind of nice. She would be happy to split the expenses and if she were in a generous mood, get me some cool toys. Not that it’s essential but I would definitely appreciate it.

 

It would only be a problem if she nagged me to earn more or do better in my career. I’ve seen women on LS complain about their BHs not trying or working as hard as them and if I had to hear that on a regular basis then that would piss me off. In some cases I can sympathise with these women when their partners aren’t contributing at all but if the guy earns enough to take care of his needs and is happy with his job, why should he change?

[MaleIntuition]

Perhaps the problem is that less successful men assume successful women will not be interested in them, and therefore hesitate to ask them out. Not exactly because they are intimidated, but because they fear rejection or getting dumped down the road.

 

Personally I think long term compatibility requires mutual understanding and respect for each other. For me, it would be hard to respect someone without any ambition or dreams.

[Miss Spider]

Maybe her standards are too high ?

Or maybe she’s too driven and busy with work to make a relationship work ?

 

Most women who make decent or a lot of money usually flash it and have high standards but I’m in Los Angeles so you can imagine the clowns out here.

 

Personally I think it would be a plus but it depends on person and their intentions at least to me

 

I know what you mean, but she seems like the opposite. She’s very down to earth and not flashy. I don’t even know if she makes much money. She explained her problem is more that when she brings up her career or her accomplishments, which is naturally a large part of her life and something she’s proud of, it seems to put the guys off. I don’t know her all that well so you’re correct I don’t know all the details. Tysm for the insight, you guys

Edited January 31, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[thefooloftheyear]

I know what you mean, but she seems like the opposite. She’s very down to earth and not flashy. I don’t even know if she makes much money. She explained her problem is more that when she brings up her career or her accomplishments, which is naturally a large part of her life and something she’s proud of, it seems to put the guys off. I don’t know her all that well so you’re correct I don’t know all the details. Tysm for the insight, you guys

 

 

No guy I know would be put off by ANY woman's career unless she was a prostitute, stripper, or porn star...

 

My guess is that she's coming up with a rationalization that makes it on them, rather than her as a reason for not being able to maintain or even get into a relationship...Even if they are telling her that its her career, it could easily be that they are lying and it's her looks or personality...

 

It's no different than the women that claim they are "too good looking"...

 

 

TFY

[GorillaTheater]

I deal with a number of powerful women. They vary as much as anyone else does in terms of personality and attractiveness.

 

 

I will say that there is a university president that I would totally ask out if we were both single.

[littleblackheart]

Perhaps the problem is that less successful men assume successful women will not be interested in them, and therefore hesitate to ask them out. Not exactly because they are intimidated, but because they fear rejection or getting dumped down the road.

 

Personally I think long term compatibility requires mutual understanding and respect for each other. For me, it would be hard to respect someone without any ambition or dreams.

 

My exH acted like an accomplished and open-minded man, seeking someone with similar values. It turned out what he really was looking for was a cash cow and someone to belittle at every corner.

 

When I started my PhD he doubled down on the abuse and made every attempt at stopping me in my tracks - the thought that I could be more accomplished than he was was eating him alive. I tried to make him see my improving myself and my job prospects were for both our benefits, that it was no slight or reflection on him, that there was no need for him to match it and his own qualities were enough but it was talking to a brick wall.

 

Without going to extremes, I think there really are plenty of men who struggle to value their success in non-professional or financial terms. Someone who strives to better themselves in all areas is always more attractive than an insecure person who will dismiss others based on prejudices or stereotypes.

[BluEyeL]

I think it’s generally true but not everyone is the same. I’m also a Ph.D. and a professor and dating went fine for me. I went for men with graduate degrees and careers though and thus they weren’t intimidated. Didn’t have major issues.

 

Trying to be open minded I also dated someone with no career once but it didn’t work out at all.

 

I am/was generally very cognizant of this issue because my ex husband told me straight that he is leaving me because I’m “too smart”, he feels inferior when he is with me and we are a mismatch in intelligence and success. He yelled at me “I didn’t know you were so smart when I married you!”. He also has a Ph.D. But I was making more and was a professor and he also wanted to be a professor and didn’t make it in academia.

 

My current husband has a masters and he did make comments here and there about that jokingly but it really helps that he makes a lot more money than me.

 

I believe your friend needs to date men who are successful. It’s a smaller pool but if t worked for me and she’s cute and single and no children not sure why it wouldn’t work for her. I’m guessing her picker is faulty.

[Miss Spider]

Perhaps the problem is that less successful men assume successful women will not be interested in them, and therefore hesitate to ask them out. Not exactly because they are intimidated, but because they fear rejection or getting dumped down the road.

 

Personally I think long term compatibility requires mutual understanding and respect for each other. For me, it would be hard to respect someone without any ambition or dreams.

 

Very good point!!! I just realized I do this. Lol. I don’t like to date men who are a lot more successful/affluent than me for this reason.

I don’t think it’s a worry about being dumped down the road as much I like to feel I am contributing as much to the relationship as the other person. I know he could just over look that for my ~fabulous personality~ Or something, but I don’t want it to be overlooked. For me there are few worse feelings than feeling like a mooch or taking advantage. which is why I’m so crazy I Durant on paying for my own dates. I know it’s nit picky, I guess it’s my pride. Just my preference

Edited January 31, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[carhill]

The sample 'success' is a college Spanish professor. She's completed the requisite education for her job and hopefully enjoys it and lives comfortably. How active in the community is she? Volunteer work? Boards of directors? Organization activites? Charitable organizations? All are great places to meet compatible men.

 

IME, guys who enjoy their lives and are really good at what they do have no issues meeting and interacting with 'successful' women. It doesn't matter that what they're 'successful' at is different from that of the lady in question. Does it matter to the lady? Like members have opined in the past, it's the ladies who choose. So, who does the Spanish professor choose? Unless she lives like a nun she interacts with men. Of those who approach her who does she choose?

 

Usually what happens is the lady prejudges the man on visual factors, how he appears, dresses and carries himself, and puts out the 'stay away' sign for some and the 'come hither' sign for others. What's her matrix? I ask because some of my very successful customers drive muddy pickup trucks and wear overalls. You'd never know how smart, hard-working and wealthy they are by looking at them. They're also predominantly bilingual in Spanish because, eh, their farmworkers are mostly Mexican. How does the lady in question define success?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have read somewhere that women with PhDs are about 7 times less likely to marry.

 

There is plenty of other research done that suggests that men are turned off by a woman that's smarter than them.

 

As for my experiences, men that I dated recently were fine with my job as long as I don't talk about it. The problem is, my job is more than just a job and a tool to earn money. It's part of my identity and I am very passionate about it. I want to be able to talk about it and for a man to be supportive and proud of my accomplishments. To take me out for a drink when I publish an important paper and to have a desire to learn what papers and grants are if he is non-academic. Unfortunately this leaves me with a very small pool of men. The less educated they are, the less interest they have in my job.

 

When I was younger and going to bars and clubs, when I met strangers and they asked what I do, I could visibly see that they were turned off when I answered that question. Some would even excuse themselves and walk away soon after. I even experimented telling them that I am a receptionist for example and their body language was very open and they kept chatting away enthusiastically. The only men that were actually more interested in me after they found out what I do are ones that are very successful themselves.

 

Where I work, there is a large number of single women over 35 with PhDs and zero single men (with PhDs).

 

I am not saying that all my problems with men are due to this but it's certainly been more of an obstacle in the dating world. And it's kind of sad that it is that way.

[thefooloftheyear]

I have read somewhere that women with PhDs are about 7 times less likely to marry.

 

There is plenty of other research done that suggests that men are turned off by a woman that's smarter than them.

 

As for my experiences, men that I dated recently were fine with my job as long as I don't talk about it. The problem is, my job is more than just a job and a tool to earn money. It's part of my identity and I am very passionate about it. I want to be able to talk about it and for a man to be supportive and proud of my accomplishments. To take me out for a drink when I publish an important paper and to have a desire to learn what papers and grants are if he is non-academic. Unfortunately this leaves me with a very small pool of men. The less educated they are, the less interest they have in my job.

 

When I was younger and going to bars and clubs, when I met strangers and they asked what I do, I could visibly see that they were turned off when I answered that question. Some would even excuse themselves and walk away soon after. I even experimented telling them that I am a receptionist for example and their body language was very open and they kept chatting away enthusiastically. The only men that were actually more interested in me after they found out what I do are ones that are very successful themselves.

 

Where I work, there is a large number of single women over 35 with PhDs and zero single men (with PhDs).

 

I am not saying that all my problems with men are due to this but it's certainly been more of an obstacle in the dating world. And it's kind of sad that it is that way.

 

 

I won't say this is true of you, or anyone else, but IME, it's not that the person is smart, accomplished, or has a good job that pays well...

 

If in the process of their schooling and career, they lose some of what makes women desirable to men(sexuality, warmth, femininity, etc), then guys will be turned off...In some cases, some of these jobs or careers can masculinize women to a point where they just don't seem desirable to the prospective men..Some become brash and hyper competitive...All traits that are typical of males...

 

I know nothing about her other than what I see on TV, but the blonde on Shark Tank(Lori G) is obviously a powerful and wealthy woman..But she still has "it"...She doesn't carry herself in such a way that may be construed as masculine...She's sexy, didn't chop her hair off, and dresses like a woman should...For all I know she's a major turn off IRL, but from what I can see, she's seems to have it figured out..

 

So, is it not sexy or undesirable in dating for a woman to have smarts and a great career? Is it the job or the intelligence that is the issue, or is it how she acts and carries herself?? I guess that's the question....

 

TFY

[alphamale]

I've known a number of highly educated women (doctors, lawyers, MBAs) who are very attractive and couldn't get a date for Saturday night if it killed them. Many of them liked to take weekend getaways to expensive and exotic locations.

[Els]

I think it’s generally true but not everyone is the same. I’m also a Ph.D. and a professor and dating went fine for me. I went for men with graduate degrees and careers though and thus they weren’t intimidated. Didn’t have major issues.

 

Trying to be open minded I also dated someone with no career once but it didn’t work out at all.

 

I am/was generally very cognizant of this issue because my ex husband told me straight that he is leaving me because I’m “too smart”, he feels inferior when he is with me and we are a mismatch in intelligence and success. He yelled at me “I didn’t know you were so smart when I married you!”. He also has a Ph.D. But I was making more and was a professor and he also wanted to be a professor and didn’t make it in academia.

.

 

This is very interesting (and sad). I was thinking that I didn't know any men like that, but then I realized that perhaps they are out there, we just don't know that they think that way unless we have been close to them for a long time (like with your ex-H).

 

I do agree that in general there is a lid for every pot. Lots of men value intelligence or accomplishment, and a few even value it more than traditionally "feminine" qualities. It's probable that the OP's friend is dismissing those men for whatever reason.

[Summer08]

I have a fancy degree, an intimidating job & own my own business. When I was dating DH I was frequently in the newspaper. My professional accomplishments were not the subject of our dates. At the time we met, DH had not even graduated from college.

 

As an adult I was always a serial monogamist, never going for more then a few months between long term relationships.

 

None of my academic or professional success had anything to do with my relationships. At home, I'm not my job.

 

In this day & age I don't think "most" men feel any particular way. Sure, some men are going to feel intimidated & turned off but some men prefer blondes over brunettes & vice versa.

 

Any accomplished woman who is habitually having trouble finding a man needs to look in the mirror not at the sheepskin on her wall, especially if she finds herself using that framed diploma to bash men over the head with it.

 

I agree. In fact, now women are really expected to work even if they have kids it seems that in order to survive you NEED to be an accomplished woman. Plus, men are always complaining about how they have to pay for everything. If the women doesn't have a good job how is she suppose to pay???

 

This world is so confusing.

[carhill]

Regardless of the gender dynamics it's very rare that two people will be of the exact same level of accomplishment, intellect, success, wealth, whatever. It's how their personalities mesh those differences which portend health or unhealthiness for the relationship or marriage. As example, a guy may be fine with a lady who is more successful and intelligent than he is by whatever metrics they use. However, if the lady is not fine with that disparity, things don't work out. Same with the reverse. The personalities are unable or unwilling to mesh differences in a healthy way. No foul, just a miss.

 

However, if a man or woman is trying and missing for years or decades, then a very insightful saying our MC had IMO comes into play - "If a behavioral set inhibits the formation or continuation of healthy interpersonal relationships, it bears scrutiny"

 

Along those lines, OP, does the lady in question have successful and long-lived friendships with both men and women? How does that go for her?

[callmegm]

I wonder if by 'submit' they meant 'compromise'. I'm especially thinking about compromising without pointing out that we're compromising. Being in a relationship does involve each of you taking 'one for the team' on a semi regular basis.

 

Compromise is different - where we want to live, the jobs we take, whether we have kids or not - there are many things wherein compromising works. For example - when my husband and I compromised about living in a state because I wanted to be close to my family and then we'll move to another state - nearer to his family - when we're ready to settle down and buy a house.

 

Submission, when all that matters is his decision. When I have to have 5 kids because he wants to have big family - even though I have issues about having kids. When I want to keep my last name but he doesn't want me to because "it shows that I am not interested in being "under" him".

 

My culture is very into the idea of a submissive house-wife. I am the opposite of that, and for a long time - everyone thought I would grow up as an old maid.

 

I stuck to my guns and I found someone who understands me and works well with me. I found someone who is impressed by my achievements and inspires me to do better, as much as I hope I inspire him.

 

Sure these kinds of men exist - the one that's intimidated by a woman's success, intelligence and accomplishment, but why waste your time on them? Why make yourself less when the other type of guys exist too????

[Mr. Lucky]

He yelled at me “I didn’t know you were so smart when I married you!”.

 

I've spent most of my married life grateful I found someone smarter than me, intellectually and emotionally. Marrying up does have its advantages...

 

I know what you mean, but she seems like the opposite. She’s very down to earth and not flashy. I don’t even know if she makes much money. She explained her problem is more that when she brings up her career or her accomplishments, which is naturally a large part of her life and something she’s proud of, it seems to put the guys off.

 

Cookiesandough, I'm going to hazard a guess you've never dated her. The results usually speak for themselves...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jj66]

Yes. You will find that the average man is intimidated by successful men. He is even more intimidated by successful women. She has all the power in the relationship. Power of the purse and power of the "puss". How can he feel like a real man in that arrangement? He has been taught by the culture that he must be a good provider in order to be a good man, but this has been denied him. What is he good for now but squashing bugs and opening jar lids?

 

I wouldn't say that I am intimidated but there still is something unsettling about it. I am reasonably successful myself but when I am with a successful woman I feel kind of superfluous. This caused friction in my current relationship with a successful woman. She has learned to make me feel more needed which helps.

[Chilli]

I'm cold & smarty-assy. On more then one occasion even here in LS my communication style has been criticized as being too blunt / mean. I'm direct, not mean. I know have the skill to intimidate many people. I try not to do that but it can be handy in the right setting.

 

When dating, I know I have to turn it down. That can be hard because it's my suit of armor. When I'm scared or nervous that is the self protective side of my personality that comes out. Being vulnerable rather than tough as nails is terrifying.

 

Everybody has things that make them attractive and unattractive. The trick is to be more self aware & compensate for the bad stuff.

 

 

 

Yeah . exactly.