Most men are intimidated by successful women ? True or Myth??

[Cookiesandough]

It works the other way. I just rejected a date with a professor this evening because I don’t know what half the stuff he says even means. I mean the words are familiar, but there is no comprehension.

[BluEyeL]

This is very interesting (and sad). I was thinking that I didn't know any men like that, but then I realized that perhaps they are out there, we just don't know that they think that way unless we have been close to them for a long time (like with your ex-H).

 

I do agree that in general there is a lid for every pot. Lots of men value intelligence or accomplishment, and a few even value it more than traditionally "feminine" qualities. It's probable that the OP's friend is dismissing those men for whatever reason.

The thing is, when we met we were both equal, we were both students and he was supposedly better in school than me, I.e. he was getting sliiiglthtly better grades. So I indeed “he didn’t know “. It ended up being for the best, breaking up. More secure men are more pleasant to be around anyway. It’s a smaller pool but we can’t have a mindset of scarcity and we have to look for the right traits when selecting men to date.

[No_Go]

I hate to say that but there is some truth in this statement.

 

I've been agnostic about the education/social status of the guys that I've been dating but I can't say the same for them.

 

I had guys turning aggressive because 'I was handed on silver plate chances ' (for context I'm coming from a country where the average annual income is lower than my monthly salary ... so there was no chance to get support from family), bragging for my PhD (because I talk about it: since being in the lab was about the only thing I've done in my awake time in my 20s so I had nothing else to tell him), bragging about my house (which I bought after NOT taking vacations pretty much for entire decade to save for the down payment) etc.

 

I think men are very sensitive that women may 'look down' on them if they are less successful by whatever criteria they measure, and it is actually scary for the women that do well because some of these guys turn abusive to show 'power'....

 

Or at least ones more successful than them?

 

One of the things I’ll never need to worry about ha, but I was having drinks with some acquaintances last night. One is a 34 yo PhD Spanish linguistics professor single for years. She is a really cute youth ful girl with a sweet personality. She’s down to earth with no aggressive or higher-than-thou personality at all.

 

She says she meets guys on match and okc but it never goes very far. Whenever she likes a guy, they go after one of her friends or it just never works out. Everyone was saying it’s bevause she’s too good in that her success intimidates men.

 

That’s really sad if it’s the case. It’s not the first time I’ve heard this either. It’s just stuff I’ve read online and also couples around me. When the woman makes substantially more than the guy it just seems a lot less likely to work out . I’ve heard studies about this too. What do you think? Is this a very common phenomenon in your xp and why is this??

[5x5]

Or at least ones more successful than them?

 

One of the things I’ll never need to worry about ha, but I was having drinks with some acquaintances last night. One is a 34 yo PhD Spanish linguistics professor single for years. She is a really cute youth ful girl with a sweet personality. She’s down to earth with no aggressive or higher-than-thou personality at all.

 

She says she meets guys on match and okc but it never goes very far. Whenever she likes a guy, they go after one of her friends or it just never works out. Everyone was saying it’s bevause she’s too good in that her success intimidates men.

 

That’s really sad if it’s the case. It’s not the first time I’ve heard this either. It’s just stuff I’ve read online and also couples around me. When the woman makes substantially more than the guy it just seems a lot less likely to work out . I’ve heard studies about this too. What do you think? Is this a very common phenomenon in your xp and why is this??

 

When it happens all the time it's highly likely to be her.

 

...

 

I've been married to my INTJ 47 year old wife for close to 19 years and have been with her for 21+ years so far.

 

Through all of that time she has been accomplished and educated (multiple tertiary qualifications arts, applied science and more), she is also smart as well, which is not the same as being educated.

 

While she has also been successful in her chosen career, and for circa a decade has now been on growing six figure income packages with perks, through three government management roles. She is also looking to move again and has just got an interview for another higher paying role.

 

I think it's terrific she does well.

 

Throughout the time we have been together from when she asked me out on a date, excepting two years and a few months during maternity leave for our two (so far academically successful) children and one redundancy. My wife has always earned more than me and often substantially more even though I do okay in my own right.

 

Being an ENTJ and highly gifted in terms of my own IQ, I have always had a preference for smart successful women and have never found them to be intimidating at all. In my experience I quickly lose interest with women who are anything less than brilliant.

 

As to such relationships working out, we're happy together and prioritise our relationship before our kids.

 

We have also been there for each other through changing careers, 9 different shared addresses through 21 years, critical and chronic illness. While we've been together at a moment when we both thought we were going to die when my wife got seriously injured while others were critically injured.

 

Plus we have always enjoyed a fun filled sexual relationship, where we share a smorgasbord of frequent vanilla and non-vanilla sex as well.

 

The nice thing is our relationship is easy to have and it's not hard work to be together. The other nice thing is she is okay knowing I want her though I don't need her. While I am okay knowing that she wants me but doesn't need me.

 

Funnily enough I am the only man my wife has ever asked out, dumped a guy for, asked to marry and the only man (thus far) she hasn't dumped.

Edited February 1, 2018 by 5x5

[Cookiesandough]

I think men are very sensitive that women may 'look down' on them if they are less successful by whatever criteria they measure, and it is actually scary for the women that do well because some of these guys turn abusive to show 'power'....

 

I completely agree. I know that feeling myself. I think most men are just more sensitive to it and most women aren’t

 

You should be so proud of your hard work and success, no_go!!! The right man will really respect and appreciate you for it

Edited February 1, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

I completely agree. I know that feeling myself. I think most men are just more sensitive to it and most women aren’t

 

You should be so proud of your hard work and success, no_go!!! The right man will really respect and appreciate you for it

 

Thanks Cookies... one day...

 

I think women are much more forgiving to guys 'outcompeting' them in general, except for looks. It is probably just having to do with historical way relationships were set (man - provider) ,but you're right also men are more sensitive - or to put it more blunt - have very fragile egos for the large part of them...

[5x5]

men are more sensitive - or to put it more blunt - have very fragile egos for the large part of them...

 

I think that's a fair assessment of the majority.

[CptInsano]

I don't think most men are intimidated. Some will definitely be, but there are quite a number of benefits of being with a successful woman, even though it is sometimes hard to align two careers when you are in a relationship. I've seen plenty of men who are fine with that, including myself.

 

But I would also keep in mind that success changes a person, and not always for the better. Some handle it well, but others start to exhibit anything from materialism to arrogance, or become unable to step out of the persona they assumed.

 

The problem may not be your success but what you might have become in order to be successful.

 

So far I had three successful women more or less try to buy me, making it very clear that it would be to my advantage, outlining the condition of the deal like it was a business agreement. None of them were dumb or unattractive, quite the opposite. But I'm not sure if they realized that success in one aspect of life doesn't automatically translate into success elsewhere.

[BluEyeL]

I think men are very sensitive that women may 'look down' on them if they are less successful by whatever criteria they measure, and it is actually scary for the women that do well because some of these guys turn abusive to show 'power'....

 

This is very true, some of the men with this issue turn abusive to knock the woman down a notch. That’s to make themselves feel better.

 

The one guy with no career I dated showed “promise” to be an abuser but I quickly recognized it and left immediately. My ex husband did that too (turned abusive). And he once said it: “ if I had more money I’d put you to your place!!”. That summed up how he felt. Glad I had the money then, I would have hated to find out what my “place” was.

[Els]

But I would also keep in mind that success changes a person, and not always for the better. Some handle it well, but others start to exhibit anything from materialism to arrogance, or become unable to step out of the persona they assumed. .

 

If it was truly just this, though, why would there be a significant discrepancy in how difficult it is for men and women with high-flying careers to find a happy relationship?

 

I do think that women in general tend to be more amenable towards making the sacrifices needed to make a relationship with such a person work. Picking up the slack at home or with childcare, allowing their own career to come second if necessary, moving with their partner if his job requires it. Of the couples I know, at least 10 involve a woman who moved with her man for his job, or who tailored her career around being able to take care of the children. On the other hand, I only know 1 where the man quit his job to move with the woman, when her specialty training required that she move.

 

Of course, there are always exceptions (as my example above suggests ). But I really don't think the primary reason is that success turns people into selfish, materialistic, terrible ogres. If that was the case, successful men would be finding things equally difficult.

[somanymistakes]

Some are, some aren't, but don't make a failure of yourself just in the hopes of attracting more men.

[No_Go]

There is truth in this IMO.

 

Also, women (and men) that have spent many years in schooling have limited social skills compared to their peers of the same age. I can recognize fellow scientists without them telling me what they do for living, and they can sense me too. The later annoys me sometimes:D because visually I don’t carry like a lab scientist haha, I wear dresses, heels, make up etc, but the demeanor is apparently still there and recognizable.

 

Business women (and men) have a certain cut-throat vibe that also is recognizable and I can see why is not enhancing femininity...

 

I won't say this is true of you, or anyone else, but IME, it's not that the person is smart, accomplished, or has a good job that pays well...

 

If in the process of their schooling and career, they lose some of what makes women desirable to men(sexuality, warmth, femininity, etc), then guys will be turned off...In some cases, some of these jobs or careers can masculinize women to a point where they just don't seem desirable to the prospective men..Some become brash and hyper competitive...All traits that are typical of males...

 

I know nothing about her other than what I see on TV, but the blonde on Shark Tank(Lori G) is obviously a powerful and wealthy woman..But she still has "it"...She doesn't carry herself in such a way that may be construed as masculine...She's sexy, didn't chop her hair off, and dresses like a woman should...For all I know she's a major turn off IRL, but from what I can see, she's seems to have it figured out..

 

So, is it not sexy or undesirable in dating for a woman to have smarts and a great career? Is it the job or the intelligence that is the issue, or is it how she acts and carries herself?? I guess that's the question....

 

TFY

[nospam99]

I know nothing about her other than what I see on TV, but the blonde on Shark Tank(Lori G) is obviously a powerful and wealthy woman..But she still has "it"...She doesn't carry herself in such a way that may be construed as masculine...She's sexy, didn't chop her hair off, and dresses like a woman should...For all I know she's a major turn off IRL, but from what I can see, she's seems to have it figured out..

 

Went and did an image search because another poster quoted you. DAMN she's HOT! I'd be too busy trying to get in her pants to be intimidated .

[CptInsano]

If it was truly just this, though, why would there be a significant discrepancy in how difficult it is for men and women with high-flying careers to find a happy relationship?

 

Because women are more selective in who they accept as a partner. I know a lot of women who make more than their husbands. They also never had trouble finding a spouse, in fact one is on her third marriage. (But this is another question.) There are men around who will be with a woman just because of the money, the male version of a golddigger so to speak. But while some men go for that, women generally do not.

 

I've worked for women exclusively for the last seven years, and most of them were reasonably attractive and outgoing. Not a single one had trouble finding a spouse. (In fact, I flirted with one of them before I realized she'd be my manager.)

 

I do think that women in general tend to be more amenable towards making the sacrifices needed to make a relationship with such a person work. Picking up the slack at home or with childcare, allowing their own career to come second if necessary, moving with their partner if his job requires it. Of the couples I know, at least 10 involve a woman who moved with her man for his job, or who tailored her career around being able to take care of the children. On the other hand, I only know 1 where the man quit his job to move with the woman, when her specialty training required that she move.

 

Then I would attribute that to your background. In have three friends of mine who took 1-2 years off after their kids were born and stayed at home while the wife worked. On the other hand I would have fully agreed with you if you were talking about my parents' generation. Going forward, with more women graduating college than men, I would expect that dynamic to continue.

 

Of course, there are always exceptions (as my example above suggests ). But I really don't think the primary reason is that success turns people into selfish, materialistic, terrible ogres. If that was the case, successful men would be finding things equally difficult.

 

I wasn't saying that success will necessarily make you selfish, but it will change you. And more importantly, success won't necessarily make you more attractive as a person. And the very mundane aspects of two people pursuing a career, down to time management, will not make things easier. IMHO the main reason why many successful men have no trouble finding somebody is because they expect far less from a relationship than a woman would in the same position. But that by no means implies that these men are all that likeable. I have a hard time looking one of my friends in the eye after he got his trophy wife from Eastern Europe.

Edited February 1, 2018 by CptInsano

[Eternal Sunshine]

One of the problems is also that successful men are so in demand by everyone. I don’t know any that are on the market for long and they don’t even need to use OLD. I actually truly don’t know one example where this type of man is single for any length of time, unless he prefers to play the field but is still never without a woman. So successful women who are not in demand find it so much harder to find their match. They are left with often much less successful men and both parties find that somewhat uncomfortable. We are still biologically wired a certain way.

 

Another similar example is height. Pretty much all women prefer tall men, regardless of their own height. I’m of an average male height in Australia, which removes 50% of the men from my dating pool right away (I have never been able to be attracted to men shorter than myself).

 

So if you are a tall, successful woman and getting on in age you are basically screwed. Your dating pool is nearly non-existent

[thefooloftheyear]

This thread has me thinking of the other thread where the woman who started the thread was complaining that her bf(h?) didn't really have a strong work drive and tended to drift from job to job...

 

All of the female respondents were basically of the philosophy that she should dump him, because he was never going to be a provider and she would have to assume the role of main provider...She did mention that the guy was otherwise a good bf, and had many good qualities....

 

Now, guys have been sole providers since forever, so why would this be such a tragedy? It's because women feel it's undesirable for the guy to basically "become less of a man" by this behavior...

 

Hence this parallel...Many women become "less of a woman" to some guys, if she's constantly talking about her job/career, overly competitive, assuming male like tendencies,etc...Guys probably aren't intimidated, just turned off by it...

 

Whether they admit it or not, I still think many guys ideally like an arrangement where they come home from a hard days work, the house neat as a pin, nice dinner, wife/gf looks rested, smashing and sexy- not haggard from riding a train to and from the city, and mixing it up with the muckety mucks for 10/12 hrs a day...It may be unrealistic in light of the fact that it's very hard to survive on one salary, but its still what I think many guys really think about..

 

Here's another aspect...

 

I bet many guys, even if they aren't thinking kids at that very point, would probably see a woman like that as less of mother material...If they are so engrossed in their job, stressed and angry at times, maybe traveling, etc...How in the world are they going to be a proper mother and have the energy and patience that requires??

 

I do sympathize with women here...It does seem like they are damned if they do and damned if they don't...

 

I guess we'll see how it goes, but if the stats bear out, there is likely something to it....Things may eventually find a norm, but for right now, both genders like what they like...And if their mate doesn't meet their ideal, then I guess that;s where the pushback comes in...

 

TFY

Edited February 1, 2018 by thefooloftheyear

[Els]

Because women are more selective in who they accept as a partner. I know a lot of women who make more than their husbands. They also never had trouble finding a spouse, in fact one is on her third marriage. (But this is another question.) There are men around who will be with a woman just because of the money, the male version of a golddigger so to speak. But while some men go for that, women generally do not.

 

Yeah, I agree, this could be a contributing factor. It is the reverse side of the coin to the discrepancy I mentioned, I guess - financially-successful men are in general more likely to be okay with their partner being a SAHP or earning several times less than them, compared to financially-successful women.

 

Then I would attribute that to your background. In have three friends of mine who took 1-2 years off after their kids were born and stayed at home while the wife worked. On the other hand I would have fully agreed with you if you were talking about my parents' generation. Going forward, with more women graduating college than men, I would expect that dynamic to continue.

 

The couples I'm talking about weren't just from my background, though. We lived in a very egalitarian country (among the top few in the world) for several years, these couples are all from that country. Many of the others here citing discrepancies are also from very egalitarian countries. I believe that things are not truly "equal" in that regard.

 

There are certainly men who are willing to play the supporter - you mentioned 3 and I mentioned 1. But on the other hand, how many women are? Assuming balanced social circles, I'm sure everyone knows more than 1 or even 3 women who do that.

[No_Go]

I think stereotyping is real but it affects terribly both genders.

 

I mean the fact a woman has worked 10-12 hour shift doesn't need to make her tired, uninspired and undesirable. I personally get a kick out of some of my work meetings (in a good way) and try not to appear differently whether tired or not.

 

Also for guys: being out the whole day working doesn't make a guy a better provider, guys (and women) that handle their investments right can be very successful and wealthy with little 'publicity' of their 'busy schedules'.

 

And lastly: how dominant or submissive a woman (or man) is in the business realm doesn't directly correlate with their behavior in a mating situations or in bed. For some reason many people seem to link the two... and get sadly disappointed

 

This thread has me thinking of the other thread where the woman who started the thread was complaining that her bf(h?) didn't really have a strong work drive and tended to drift from job to job...

 

All of the female respondents were basically of the philosophy that she should dump him, because he was never going to be a provider and she would have to assume the role of main provider...She did mention that the guy was otherwise a good bf, and had many good qualities....

 

Now, guys have been sole providers since forever, so why would this be such a tragedy? It's because women feel it's undesirable for the guy to basically "become less of a man" by this behavior...

 

Hence this parallel...Many women become "less of a woman" to some guys, if she's constantly talking about her job/career, overly competitive, assuming male like tendencies,etc...Guys probably aren't intimidated, just turned off by it...

 

Whether they admit it or not, I still think many guys ideally like an arrangement where they come home from a hard days work, the house neat as a pin, nice dinner, wife/gf looks rested, smashing and sexy- not haggard from riding a train to and from the city, and mixing it up with the muckety mucks for 10/12 hrs a day...It may be unrealistic in light of the fact that it's very hard to survive on one salary, but its still what I think many guys really think about..

 

Here's another aspect...

 

I bet many guys, even if they aren't thinking kids at that very point, would probably see a woman like that as less of mother material...If they are so engrossed in their job, stressed and angry at times, maybe traveling, etc...How in the world are they going to be a proper mother and have the energy and patience that requires??

 

I do sympathize with women here...It does seem like they are damned if they do and damned if they don't...

 

I guess we'll see how it goes, but if the stats bear out, there is likely something to it....Things may eventually find a norm, but for right now, both genders like what they like...And if their mate doesn't meet their ideal, then I guess that;s where the pushback comes in...

 

TFY

[CptInsano]

The couples I'm talking about weren't just from my background, though. We lived in a very egalitarian country (among the top few in the world) for several years, these couples are all from that country. Many of the others here citing discrepancies are also from very egalitarian countries. I believe that things are not truly "equal" in that regard.

 

I would be careful about using stats from egalitarian countries. They are often egalitarian in regards to choice and not outcome. (Probably another discussion)

 

But I wouldn't say things are equal yet, either. Yet I'm pretty sure that economic realities will be the driving force in that regard. I certainly wouldn't ask my spouse to stay home if she made more money than I, I'm too materialistic for that. I've also seen more successful women look for a spouse who is willing to take that role. It becomes a no-brainer once you know you want kids and figure out who the true breadwinner is in the relationship.

 

There are certainly men who are willing to play the supporter - you mentioned 3 and I mentioned 1. But on the other hand, how many women are? Assuming balanced social circles, I'm sure everyone knows more than 1 or even 3 women who do that.

 

Ive seen few women who would accept an outright mooch. Yet I have seen plenty of women who would accept a husband making less then them, as long as he is overall "presentable".

Edited February 1, 2018 by CptInsano

[Cookiesandough]

https://aeon.co/ideas/men-want-beauty-women-want-wealth-and-other-unscientific-tosh

 

The results from the Research are clear: mating preferences among men and women look increasingly similar.

Edited February 1, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[road]

Went and did an image search because another poster quoted you. DAMN she's HOT! I'd be too busy trying to get in her pants to be intimidated .

 

Your post pushed me over the edge to look.

 

What did I see?

 

A butter girl.

 

What?

 

A butter girl, what a body but not her face.

 

 

Her face is not ugly but it is not pretty.

 

So what makes her hot?

 

Besides that she has a nice body, legs, looks as if she hits

the gym she knows how to package herself.

 

She always has her hair and make up done to showcase

what she has. The way many women use makeup, actually

makes them look worse.

 

Same with the way she dresses. She knows how to dress

in things that make the most of what she has. Same way

that many women do not know how to use makeup to

their advantage they do not know how to use clothing to

their advantage.

 

Last and most important and what makes her average

face above average and increases her overall attractiveness

is her smile, energy, and confidence that she projects.

[road]

Because women are more selective in who they accept as a partner. I know a lot of women who make more than their husbands. They also never had trouble finding a spouse, in fact one is on her third marriage. (But this is another question.) There are men around who will be with a woman just because of the money, the male version of a golddigger so to speak. But while some men go for that, women generally do not.

 

I've worked for women exclusively for the last seven years, and most of them were reasonably attractive and outgoing. Not a single one had trouble finding a spouse. (In fact, I flirted with one of them before I realized she'd be my manager.)

 

 

 

Then I would attribute that to your background. In have three friends of mine who took 1-2 years off after their kids were born and stayed at home while the wife worked. On the other hand I would have fully agreed with you if you were talking about my parents' generation. Going forward, with more women graduating college than men, I would expect that dynamic to continue.

 

 

 

I wasn't saying that success will necessarily make you selfish, but it will change you. And more importantly, success won't necessarily make you more attractive as a person. And the very mundane aspects of two people pursuing a career, down to time management, will not make things easier. IMHO the main reason why many successful men have no trouble finding somebody is because they expect far less from a relationship than a woman would in the same position. But that by no means implies that these men are all that likeable. I have a hard time looking one of my friends in the eye after he got his trophy wife from Eastern Europe.

 

As a man I never considered that a woman had to have a

high paying career for her to be wife material.

 

Though through forums I have seen countless high income

earning women that will not date a man that makes $50,000

a year in a low status job.

 

Many women demand to have the glass ceilings removed for them

yet they will not accept a man that makes less then them.

 

Their DNA still makes them want a provider. Their brain says

I make a 6 figure income I don't need to support a man.

So they will stay single till they find Mr Big Income.

[NuevoYorko]

Surely you're being facetious. Otherwise it's mind boggling to me that a seemingly intelligent person such as yourself would be spending headspace on such a massive generalization.

 

What does "successful" mean?

 

Insecure men may tend to be intimidated by successful women. Other men are more likely to be attracted to women who are true to themselves and pursue their lives accordingly.

[carhill]

Righteous rant but let's rewind to the OP...

 

She says she meets guys on match and okc but it never goes very far. Whenever she likes a guy, they go after one of her friends or it just never works out. Everyone was saying it’s bevause she’s too good in that her success intimidates men.

 

That’s really sad if it’s the case. It’s not the first time I’ve heard this either. It’s just stuff I’ve read online and also couples around me.

 

Care to rephrase about intelligence? This is a discussion forum. Ideas and opinions are fowarded and discussed. The OP, in the bolded, appears to have come to a conclusion that it's sad *if* that's the case.

[d0nnivain]

As a man I never considered that a woman had to have a

high paying career for her to be wife material.

 

Though through forums I have seen countless high income

earning women that will not date a man that makes $50,000

a year in a low status job.

 

Many women demand to have the glass ceilings removed for them

yet they will not accept a man that makes less then them.

 

Their DNA still makes them want a provider. Their brain says

I make a 6 figure income I don't need to support a man.

So they will stay single till they find Mr Big Income.

 

 

Then I will be the exception that proves your "rule." When I met my husband he was in sales & doing a lousy job so he got the minimum draw & then delivered newspapers to make ends meet. I was attracted to his work ethic & gorgeous looks, not his wallet. My net worth is probably 3x his but he brings so much more than money to the table.

 

 

I am fully aware that money won't keep me warm at night or make me laugh. I can earn money on my own. My spouse brings joy & a reason to be into my life.

 

 

My cousin & my business partner at the time disparaged me for dating him at the time based on his salary. I ignored them. Over the years my husband finally graduated from college & got a good job he loves. In the bad years for my business he earns more then me. My cousin & former partner are still alone & bitter.

 

 

So some women may need to re-evaluate their criteria.

Edited February 1, 2018 by d0nnivain