Do you start to become out of step?

[ZA Dater]

I was thinking about this yesterday, if you are dateless and heading for mid 30's are you really beyond the point of dating if you have no interest in dating single mothers or divorced people?

 

 

How do you explain away a lack of dating? People ask me and sure I cobble up some rubbish but I think for most it doesn't hold much water. What do I actually say, surely I cannot say "well I haven't dated because nobody who I have liked has shown any interest in me", though I did actually say this a few times, much to the apparent disdain of the person I was telling it to.

 

 

Sure, last weekend I went out to a club and I TRIED to actually pretend like I enjoyed the place but around me were early mid 20's and from a looks point of view there were a few who caught my eye but rationally I could never "get" them because again how do I explain a lack of dating.

 

 

SO many times I get asked on OLD "when was your last relationship" why do people ask this, what relevance does it have?

[Mysterio]

I think a lot of us in life have to let things fall into place organically. We can't torture ourselves into thinking we are missing something by being single.

 

I think its worse not having friends more than not having a love relationship.

[Chilli]

How would strangers know you haven't dated anyway.

Anyway if it's strangers and someone that matters like someone your interested in just throw in a few dates , someone you know just tellem there's no one around your interested in right now.

 

Relationships , have you been in some just lightly scim that if none , skim even lighter, much lighter haha.

 

lf it's people you don't even know or care , none of their business.

[basil67]

SO many times I get asked on OLD "when was your last relationship" why do people ask this, what relevance does it have?

 

Early dating is a bit like a job interview. And questions about your last job are normal in a job interview. Asking about your the person's relationship history gives insight into their attitude to dating. Do they have a long history of relationships they don't stay with? If so, red flag. Just as it would be if it were jobs. Likewise, long gaps in employment could indicate that someone isn't terribly employable. Or doesn't want to work. Of course, this translates back to dating.

 

Just like a job interview, you need answers to deflect from what could be perceived as a negative.

[BaileyB]

People would like to know when/how long ago was your last relationship because they want to know a) if you've had a relationship, is it done and are you over your ex and b) if you haven't had a relationship, are you interested/capable of being in a relationship with another person. People assume that those who have had prior relationships will have some experience that will hopefully make a new relationship successful. There is some truth in that, but not always...

 

And yes, it is a red flag if someone has never had a relationship or has had a series of short term relationships. Just as its a red flag if someone admits that they have cheated in a previous relationship.

 

As for falling out of step... You are going to be challenged to find women to date as you get older if you are unwilling to consider women who have been divorced or had children. Sure, it's possible that you may find a single woman who has never been married/no children in her 30's or 40's, but you will be eliminating a large number of women from your potential dating pool with these restrictions.

Edited February 4, 2018 by BaileyB

[ZA Dater]

People would like to know when/how long ago was your last relationship because they want to know a) if you've had a relationship, is it done and are you over your ex and b) if you haven't had a relationship, are you interested/capable of being in a relationship with another person. People assume that those who have had prior relationships will have some experience that will hopefully make a new relationship successful. There is some truth in that, but not always...

 

And yes, it is a red flag if someone has never had a relationship or has had a series of short term relationships. Just as its a red flag if someone admits that they have cheated in a previous relationship.

 

As for falling out of step... You are going to be challenged to find women to date as you get older if you are unwilling to consider women who have been divorced or had children. Sure, it's possible that you may find a single woman who has never been married/no children in her 30's or 40's, but you will be eliminating a large number of women from your potential dating pool with these restrictions.

 

 

There aren't many things which get to me and worry me but this one of them. I REALLY am not interested in single mothers of divorced ladies with kids. It seems the only way to avoid this is to be able to somehow remain relevant to younger people.

 

 

I think its wrong to judge people based on the past because its just that, the past. Past actions don't always indicated future direction.

 

 

Because I have no relationship experience makes me worse than some guy who has but slept with half the town? Ironically for years I went looking for people who had what I perceived to be limited relationship experience because I thought I would be a better fit with them.

 

 

Maybe the answer to all of this is to put oneself first, work on a very specific set of goals and substitute dating in the pursuit of those goals.

 

 

Going out this weekend (and smiling) I was once again struck how one dimensional many people are. Someone wanted to go on a date and what was a first for me I said "no", she just wanted to hook up and I got the sense she was "easy" (learnt my lesion from the last time I came across a person like this).

 

 

When it comes to single moms I have reason not to like them, went a few dates with a few and perhaps its nasty to say but most are simply looking for economic benefits at best and at worst a substitute father for their kids.. Again this is just based on my own experience. There was one who didn't want either of those but wouldn't date me because I didn't go to church. The irony of that was amazing to me but lost on her.

 

 

Truly the only way to not become irrelevant is to wield some sort of economic power and that's my ultimate objective, have enough material success to be able to date people I like even if they only date me for that success.

Edited February 4, 2018 by ZA Dater

[NuevoYorko]

Your lack of success with dating and relationships says something about you. If it's a turn off to women you'd like to date that does not mean that you need to date women you're not interested in, for goodness sake. It simply signifies that you have a lot of work to do on yourself if you want things to go differently.

 

I get the impression that you are tremendously rigid. This is not considered a positive quality by even the most unappealing single mothers / divorced women.

[NuevoYorko]

I think its wrong to judge people based on the past because its just that, the past. Past actions don't always indicated future direction.

 

 

Because I have no relationship experience makes me worse than some guy who has but slept with half the town?

 

No. It doesn't make you better or worse. It makes you an unlikely candidate for many people.

 

When I became single and started dating again as an older person it was very important to me to learn about the relationship history of women I was interested in.

[Jj66]

Have you considered dating men?

 

You could probably easily find an older man who won't care about your lack of relationship experience.

Edited February 4, 2018 by Jj66

[ZA Dater]

Have you considered dating men?

 

You could probably easily find an older man who won't care about your lack of relationship experience.

 

 

 

I don't swing that way.

[ZA Dater]

Your lack of success with dating and relationships says something about you. If it's a turn off to women you'd like to date that does not mean that you need to date women you're not interested in, for goodness sake. It simply signifies that you have a lot of work to do on yourself if you want things to go differently.

 

I get the impression that you are tremendously rigid. This is not considered a positive quality by even the most unappealing single mothers / divorced women.

 

 

 

I completely disagree but we are all entitled to our opinions. If I had a $1 for every time I have read I could go on a lovely holiday in Maui.

 

 

Honestly I think I am the best person I am ever going to be as a person, people have known me a long time respect me and actually I'd rather be respected than liked, its harder to earn respect than it is to earn superficial likes.

[Jj66]

Someone who says he doesn't need help is beyond help.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I can understand why that sort of question would make you feel uncomfortable.

 

If a date asks you "when was your last relationship", my advice would be to say "I haven't met anyone special in a while. I don't have any ex baggage which is a bonus. Anyway, I'm much more interested in learning more about you. Do you like travelling etc..."

 

Something like that, which addresses it fairly honestly, without giving too much away. You don't have to unload your whole history on someone. A bit of mystery can be a good thing sometimes.

 

It may be harder to find someone who meets your criteria, but it is not impossible. Just keep your mind and heart open to the possibility of meeting the right person.

[CrazyKatLady]

Just do what makes you happy. You seem to have enough experience in dating to know what you like or do not like in a relationship.

I think it is a good choice for you to avoid dating women with children, or who are divorced, since it is always going to be an issue for you.

I can see how you might come across as rigid in your decision making.

I "dated" a man like this a few months ago. I use quote marks because he knew the entire time how he felt about dating single mothers. I think I knew fairly quickly that he would be gone ASAP. I brought it up to him in the first month we saw each other, but he denied thinking about me that way. So, I continued on with the guy. He's gone now, blamed a whole lot of things on me, and ran off like he always knew he would. It was my first experience with someone who could control how they feel about a person and lie about it to my face everyday.

At least you know how you feel about the situation. Whether it is right or wrong, well, it is your life and you should choose situations, if you can, (sometimes life has plans that are different than the ones we make) that go along with what you feel comfortable with. If you must be rigid in your selection, at least you are being honest about it, and will potentially save you and your next date a lot of grief. I won't even let a man near me after the way my ex made me feel. I said I had opened up an online account to a dating site last night in one of the forums here, and I felt excited to talk to someone...but today...all I could hear/see in my mind was how unworthy I was as a dating partner since I am a single mother. The thought of how bad of a woman I must have been from his viewpoint, the entire time I cared for him, makes me shut down-I came to the conclusion today that I do not ever want another man to touch me or talk to me again. I think he is right in some ways to not want a woman whose situation is like mine, but he should have been honest. I am glad to hear you are honest about what you can or cannot accept, if nothing else. I hope that you can find a woman that suites your preferences and that you find lasting happiness. I would suggest that you might make sure that you choose her for who she is and to make certain that you are exactly what she always wanted in a man too; and not to choose her for the external conditions that surround her life and her general existence as a perfect mate for you because she is young and single with no children and never experienced love too. As long as you can be honest about why you like a woman and want to be with her, and she feels that same way about you-then I say, choose how you wish to. It may exclude a lot of decent women--but, it's not up to them, it is up to you and whatever woman you can see yourself spending time with eventually.

But, if you had to be honest, what are the true odds that you will find that one special woman who has invested 30+ years of her life waiting for a man with your looks, qualities, etc. and has saved her first love experience for you and has been looking for you too among all the men out there? You will be extremely hard pressed to tell yourself, in reality, that the woman you choose, whose age and romantic experience will most likely be 21 years old or less, would have waited for you if the situation had been reversed. To that end, it makes your dating partner no more important or better than any other woman out there--except in your perception. I think that is the issue other people may be having with your opinion...but, I wish you luck in love and to not be discouraged, I hope you find the best person for your happiness and life and for theirs as well.

[Cookiesandough]

That question off the cuff is strange. I get the question "what are you looking for?", but I don't understand why how long your last relationship lasted is important enough that it can't wait. Maybe they want to make sure you aren't rebounding.( I think the majority of attractive people on OLD are rebounding, because it is a last resort sort of thing that would appeal to someone who needs a warm body asap) Or maybe they just aren't the best at conversation topics.

 

I know I probably shouldn't say this, but it starts way earlier than 30. I think the misalignment starts at puberty when everyone starts getting little crushes/bfs/gfs. Most people get their first emotionally involved "bf/gf" in their late if not mid- teens. In the event that doesn't work out, they go on to date more throughout their 20s.

 

Growing up, guys rarely asked me out and the few that did I ran from, so I had virtually 0 xp. I lied about it to explain the large missing gaps of dating life. I don't really recommend lying, but it didn't hurt. Guys never delved. Women might be different. Your best bet is to just say you've dated here and there (which is true, this board is evidence of that) and leave it at that. It might make you look like a player, but some chicks dig that. They may think they need to be the one to 'tame' you. If you lie you will probably get caught on it eventually. It's just not good to start a relationship with a lie.

 

But yeah, I get what you mean. I have long been out of step.

Edited February 5, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

I see nothing wrong with telling the truth. As someone who also started dating later in life, I'm TBH repelled by guys that has been around and round during their teens/early 20s. To me it speaks volumes about their priorities and not in a good way.

 

I'm sure you'll find someone who appreciate you for who you were. If you lead with a lie - they'll fall for a fake image of you and you don't want that.

 

How do you explain away a lack of dating? People ask me and sure I cobble up some rubbish but I think for most it doesn't hold much water. What do I actually say, surely I cannot say "well I haven't dated because nobody who I have liked has shown any interest in me", though I did actually say this a few times, much to the apparent disdain of the person I was telling it to.

[browzer]

.surely I cannot say "well I haven't dated because nobody who I have liked has shown any interest in me", though I did actually say this a few times, much to the apparent disdain of the person I was telling it to.

 

 

You know that you will FAIL if you say that, yet you say it anyway.

 

You just might want to ask yourself why you intentionally set yourself up to lose.

[SevenCity]

That question off the cuff is strange. I get the question "what are you looking for?", but I don't understand why how long your last relationship lasted is important enough that it can't wait. Maybe they want to make sure you aren't rebounding.( I think the majority of attractive people on OLD are rebounding, because it is a last resort sort of thing that would appeal to someone who needs a warm body asap) Or maybe they just aren't the best at conversation topics.

 

I know I probably shouldn't say this, but it starts way earlier than 30. I think the misalignment starts at puberty when everyone starts getting little crushes/bfs/gfs. Most people get their first emotionally involved "bf/gf" in their late if not mid- teens. In the event that doesn't work out, they go on to date more throughout their 20s.

 

Growing up, guys rarely asked me out and the few that did I ran from, so I had virtually 0 xp. I lied about it to explain the large missing gaps of dating life. I don't really recommend lying, but it didn't hurt. Guys never delved. Women might be different. Your best bet is to just say you've dated here and there (which is true, this board is evidence of that) and leave it at that. It might make you look like a player, but some chicks dig that. They may think they need to be the one to 'tame' you. If you lie you will probably get caught on it eventually. It's just not good to start a relationship with a lie.

 

But yeah, I get what you mean. I have long been out of step.

 

I’m with Cookies on this one. Give them a big fat lie.

 

You are in a conundrum like trying to get credit. You need credit to get credit, but you can’t get credit without credit.

 

It’s not like you are lying about anything that is any of their business. Ask a woman how she would feel if a guy asked her how many sex partners she’s had. Most here will say “None of their business!”

 

The question is usually asked to see if you are looking for a rebound. Many women have asked me this and I’ve lied as well. “oh it’s been about 8-9 months since...” when it was actually only 2. None of their f’in business.

 

And it never became an issue because most relationships are temporary. Now I don’t have to lie about how long since my last gf (though often lie about the timing since I slept with the last woman “oh a few months ago”)

 

But say you find one and it get serious? Do you really think she is going to mind when she’s fallen in love with you? That’s if you bother to tell her which I wouldn’t.

 

Trust me, women aren’t going to tell you the important stuff. They will never say they are entitled, not over an ex, immature, psycho. Those things you have to figure out on your own.

 

Sure, most people will bash me here but what you need is experience. In person I’m sure you give off a desperate vibe. End this.

 

Last thing you want is to fall for a girl just because she would take you.

[shoplocal]

I’m with Cookies on this one. Give them a big fat lie.

 

You are in a conundrum like trying to get credit. You need credit to get credit, but you can’t get credit without credit.

 

It’s not like you are lying about anything that is any of their business. Ask a woman how she would feel if a guy asked her how many sex partners she’s had. Most here will say “None of their business!”

 

The question is usually asked to see if you are looking for a rebound. Many women have asked me this and I’ve lied as well. “oh it’s been about 8-9 months since...” when it was actually only 2. None of their f’in business.

 

And it never became an issue because most relationships are temporary. Now I don’t have to lie about how long since my last gf (though often lie about the timing since I slept with the last woman “oh a few months ago”)

 

But say you find one and it get serious? Do you really think she is going to mind when she’s fallen in love with you? That’s if you bother to tell her which I wouldn’t.

 

Trust me, women aren’t going to tell you the important stuff. They will never say they are entitled, not over an ex, immature, psycho. Those things you have to figure out on your own.

 

Sure, most people will bash me here but what you need is experience. In person I’m sure you give off a desperate vibe. End this.

 

Last thing you want is to fall for a girl just because she would take you.

 

This is so gold. I'm an old spinster, much like ZA D, and I worry about getting desperate and doing this. Replace 'a girl' with 'someone' and make a meme out of this already!

[Chilli]

There aren't many things which get to me and worry me but this one of them. I REALLY am not interested in single mothers of divorced ladies with kids. It seems the only way to avoid this is to be able to somehow remain relevant to younger people.

 

 

I think its wrong to judge people based on the past because its just that, the past. Past actions don't always indicated future direction.

 

 

Because I have no relationship experience makes me worse than some guy who has but slept with half the town? Ironically for years I went looking for people who had what I perceived to be limited relationship experience because I thought I would be a better fit with them.

 

 

Maybe the answer to all of this is to put oneself first, work on a very specific set of goals and substitute dating in the pursuit of those goals.

 

 

Going out this weekend (and smiling) I was once again struck how one dimensional many people are. Someone wanted to go on a date and what was a first for me I said "no", she just wanted to hook up and I got the sense she was "easy" (learnt my lesion from the last time I came across a person like this).

 

 

When it comes to single moms I have reason not to like them, went a few dates with a few and perhaps its nasty to say but most are simply looking for economic benefits at best and at worst a substitute father for their kids.. Again this is just based on my own experience. There was one who didn't want either of those but wouldn't date me because I didn't go to church. The irony of that was amazing to me but lost on her.

 

 

Truly the only way to not become irrelevant is to wield some sort of economic power and that's my ultimate objective, have enough material success to be able to date people I like even if they only date me for that success.

 

 

l can understand you not wanting someone divorced or with someone elses kids especially when your not in that situation yourself. why should you , your fresh with a clean slate you only ask the same.

 

They are around especially at that sort of age there's been a lot even right here on ls.

On the date site l was on there were quite a few women talking older , 40s never married no kids.

lf l hadn't been there myself there'd be no way l'd get involved with someone divorced with kids.

Edited February 6, 2018 by Chilli

[ZA Dater]

Last thing you want is to fall for a girl just because she would take you.

 

 

This is a very real and present problem. The only way I avoid this "desperation trap" is to have a very rigid list of "wants" because I know being as starved of attention that I am , quite possibly the above would happen if I got a reasonable amount of attention.

 

 

Having said that when I am asked about "when was your last relationship" I tend to either ignore the question or skirt around it or mention I find the question irrelevant, which it is in my opinion.

 

 

I do think a lot of my problem lies in not meeting any really suitable people organically (i.e. not on dating sites). This really leads to the whole issue of being ever further out of step.

 

 

On the single moms front, there is probably one I would consider going out with, a distant FB friend but the fundamentals are wrong, once again its someone very religious and that does not work for me at all.

[Imajerk17]

This is a very real and present problem. The only way I avoid this "desperation trap" is to have a very rigid list of "wants" because I know being as starved of attention that I am , quite possibly the above would happen if I got a reasonable amount of attention.

 

 

Having said that when I am asked about "when was your last relationship" I tend to either ignore the question or skirt around it or mention I find the question irrelevant, which it is in my opinion.

 

 

I do think a lot of my problem lies in not meeting any really suitable people organically (i.e. not on dating sites). This really leads to the whole issue of being ever further out of step.

 

 

On the single moms front, there is probably one I would consider going out with, a distant FB friend but the fundamentals are wrong, once again its someone very religious and that does not work for me at all.

 

I like the advice Scarlett gave you especially. Just say you haven't met the right person yet. You can even joke around about how no worries you're a normal dude whose Momma doesn't still dress him. Then lead the conversation onto something else about her.

 

In general though, dismissing, arguing, or trying to prove wrong, ect... just doesn't work so well when it comes to developing attraction/connection with your dates. In fact, it comes across defensive which would raise the red flags about as much as anything. (And yes, if you do it, it would explain the aforementioned blocking on the part of the women towards you.)

Edited February 6, 2018 by Imajerk17

[ZA Dater]

I like the advice Scarlett gave you especially. Just say you haven't met the right person yet. You can even joke around about how no worries you're a normal dude whose Momma doesn't still dress him. Then lead the conversation onto something else about her.

 

In general though, dismissing, arguing, or trying to prove wrong, ect... just doesn't work so well when it comes to developing attraction/connection with your dates. In fact, it comes across defensive which would raise the red flags about as much as anything. (And yes, if you do it, it would explain the aforementioned blocking on the part of the women towards you.)

 

 

 

Agreed and I have often used variations of the bold, in a few instances only to get asked the same question later on in the date so I guess they do pick up something "off" which makes them ask the question again.

 

 

I only usually get dismissive the second time the question is asked and usually by that time I have already decided I don't like the person anyway so if I don't see them again its not much of a loss for me.

 

 

What I don't really get is why people are fixated with what relationships others have had or the working thereof. As someone who more often than not has liked people who aren't/weren't single I have had a look at how they seem to work and my conclusion (albeit off a very limited pool) is that many relationships are severely compromised or dysfunctional. In at least three instances I am convinced if I was somewhat more "conventional" I might have had some success in those pursuits, so compromised were those relationships.

 

 

Ultimately I think you either succeed or fail based on your ability to read what people want when you meet them. The guys who succeed most, at least the ones I know have this amazing confidence and charm which seems to cover any fault they may have. I am more of "tell it how it see it" devoid of that charm which I guess doesn't really work.

 

 

I also wonder how/if our formative years effect how we are able to build relationships later on in life.

[Jj66]

Agreed and I have often used variations of the bold, in a few instances only to get asked the same question later on in the date so I guess they do pick up something "off" which makes them ask the question again.

 

 

I only usually get dismissive the second time the question is asked and usually by that time I have already decided I don't like the person anyway so if I don't see them again its not much of a loss for me.

 

 

What I don't really get is why people are fixated with what relationships others have had or the working thereof. As someone who more often than not has liked people who aren't/weren't single I have had a look at how they seem to work and my conclusion (albeit off a very limited pool) is that many relationships are severely compromised or dysfunctional. In at least three instances I am convinced if I was somewhat more "conventional" I might have had some success in those pursuits, so compromised were those relationships.

 

 

Ultimately I think you either succeed or fail based on your ability to read what people want when you meet them. The guys who succeed most, at least the ones I know have this amazing confidence and charm which seems to cover any fault they may have. I am more of "tell it how it see it" devoid of that charm which I guess doesn't really work.

 

 

I also wonder how/if our formative years effect how we are able to build relationships later on in life.

 

Then learn to be more charming. You will have more success in life which I turn breeds confidence.

 

Charm isn't about telling people anything. It's about active listening. It's about engaging them. It's about mirroring. It's about making the other person feel valued and respected. It's about bringing joy to their lives through laughter. It's about appreciating their accomplishments. Charm makes the other person feel important!

 

Ten Genuine Ways Anyone Can Be Exceptionally Charming

[GemmaUK]

On a first meet I only have control over me but what I don't do is to become dismissive even if I am not interested in dating that man.

It makes no difference what they do but I never leave a date with any sour taste in their mouth about me.

If. as you say you become dismissive maybe that's why you get blocked?

 

Are you charming as per JJ's link there all the way through a first meet?

His link describes how to engage with people which go alongside use of your own body language and facial expressions.

 

As for wanting to know something about a person's relationship history I want to know how they handle dating and relationships.

To me it's not irrelevant at all as it can be an indicator of what it might be like to date that guy.A common kind of example is the guy who tells me all of his exes are psychos or that a guy shifts all blame to his exes for the break up reason.

 

A man of your age having no relationship history wouldn't necessarily turn me off but I'd be curious and ask questions.

If a guy told me that 'x' years ago he was in a 2 year-long relationship or something and I did end up dating him it may well become obvious when we got intimate that it wasn't something he had previously experienced.

His attitude about it would be the make or break as to whether to continue dating.