Married with no intimacy

[ZoeyLane]

I need advice, help, or some uplifting stories. I feel so lost and confused at the moment. I don't know what to do or what the right choice is.

 

A little background is that I am 35 years old, have been married for 5 years, together for 9 years. We have a 2 year old son, almost 3. We both work full-time, and ever since we had our son our relationship has changed for the worse.

 

I am so unhappy and I know that my husband is unhappy too. I feel like I am no longer in love with my husband, but stay for my son and for the convenience. Truth is I am scared. Scared to be a single parent. I never wanted to raise my son in a broken household, but I feel so unhappy with my current situation. I keep thinking it would be better to do it now when my son is still little, than to wait till he is older.

 

I feel like my marriage is doomed, and I don't see how it can be repaired at this point. The main issue for me is that we have zero intimacy. And when I say zero, I really mean zero. I consider my husband to be asexual. He has no interest in being affectionate or sex in general. This is nothing new, he has always been this way.

 

We have had countless fights over this issue, and it never changes and it just causes a huge fight whenever I bring it up. We have gone to marriage counseling once over this issue and we stopped going because I felt like it was too expensive, and there was nothing I learned that I didn't already know. That my husband has no need for affection or intimacy. That he is perfectly happy living like roommates.

 

He rather stay up late after our son goes to bed to pay video games or pay magic the gathering on his phone, then spend quality time with me. I was a fool who thought things would change so I married him and had a son. I regret that decision so deeply now, because it's a lot harder leaving when kids are involved.

 

I feel so stuck. We own a house together so we would have to sell the house. Since we work in the same area we share a car, so I would have to buy my own car. I've been looking at apartments and financially I know I could do it on my own. But there are financial obligations that will suffer. I grew up poor and one of my fears is being poor again. My son now has everything he needs, and we're able to save every month for his college.

 

If I were to leave, that would have to stop, we couldn't financially afford two households on top of daycare costs and saving for his college. This makes me feel selfish because I want to be able to give him a good start in life.

 

I keep thinking if I just stay and deal with it my son will have college mostly paid for and grow up with all his needs and wants being provided. If I leave it will be a struggle but I could make it work.

 

There is a guy I am currently interested in but he knows I am married with a kid so I am sure it won't go anywhere, but the fact that I can have feelings for someone else is making me question staying in this marriage.

[Els]

If it has always been this way, why on earth did you marry him? Or even stay with him for 4 years before that, for the matter??? Were you both waiting for marriage to have ANY type of intimacy/affection, including hugging/cuddling/etc?

[Happy Lemming]

So you have been to counseling and he is aware that there is a problem, yet he still doesn't want to have sex and doesn't want to attempt to fix the situation...

 

How do you feel about an "open" marriage?? Is this something you'd want to discuss with him??

 

Best of both worlds, you go "play" with someone else, he can stay home & enjoy those games on his phone and you both continue to save for your son's education (as room mates)??

 

Just a thought...

[ZoeyLane]

If it has always been this way, why on earth did you marry him? Or even stay with him for 4 years before that, for the matter??? Were you both waiting for marriage to have ANY type of intimacy/affection, including hugging/cuddling/etc?

 

Good question, and no we were not waiting. I have no idea really the answer and often question this myself. I liked him for other reasons. I thought he was funny and caring, and I liked the fact that he didn't use me for sex.

 

I thought we could over come it and that maybe it would change. I grew up in a pretty rough household with a lot of chemical abuse and dependence and I just liked the fact that he was clean, went to college, didn't smoke, barely drank, and had a decent job.

 

I grew up poor with two parents not working, having to support myself since I was 16 with buying myself the things I needed and food. Moved out at 18 to go to college (on student loans) to now we are making 140K combined, and the thought of taking a step back and losing half of that salary is really bothersome to me.

[ZoeyLane]

So you have been to counseling and he is aware that there is a problem, yet he still doesn't want to have sex and doesn't want to attempt to fix the situation...

 

How do you feel about an "open" marriage?? Is this something you'd want to discuss with him??

 

Best of both worlds, you go "play" with someone else, he can stay home & enjoy those games on his phone and you both continue to save for your son's education (as room mates)??

 

Just a thought...

 

I have bought this up, and he said to go ahead, but to not bring them around our son.

 

It was during an argument so I am not sure how much he would really agree to this type of set-up.

Edited January 31, 2018 by ZoeyLane

[Els]

Good question, and no we were not waiting. I have no idea really the answer and often question this myself. I liked him for other reasons. I thought he was funny and caring, and I liked the fact that he didn't use me for sex.

 

I thought we could over come it and that maybe it would change. I grew up in a pretty rough household with a lot of chemical abuse and dependence and I just liked the fact that he was clean, went to college, didn't smoke, barely drank, and had a decent job.

 

I grew up poor with two parents not working, having to support myself since I was 16 with buying myself the things I needed and food. Moved out at 18 to go to college (on student loans) to now we are making 140K combined, and the thought of taking a step back and losing half of that salary is really bothersome to me.

 

Oh, I see. I honestly don't know the answer to your question. I doubt counseling is going to help, because counseling is for people who actually had a good sexual relationship at the start and then things fell apart. But if you never had any, or if he's genuinely asexual, then counseling is going to be fairly useless. I mean, it could still help your relationship I suppose, but it isn't going to magically create intimacy out of complete nothingness.

[Happy Lemming]

I have bought this up, and he said to go ahead, but to not bring them around our son.

 

It was during an argument so I am not sure how much he would really agree to this type of situation.

 

Bring it up again, but not in an argumentative state. Calm and peaceful...

 

I "dated" a married woman whose husband lost interest in sex. He told her to go out and find someone to "play" with and she found me (through a friend of a friend). OMG, I had a blast!! She hadn't had sex in over a year, and boy did she make up for lost time. We enjoyed each other (at my home) for about 6 months, then her husband seemed to regain his desire to touch her, so we stopped seeing each other. I lost track of her after that. I'm hopeful she is happy, wherever she is.

[ZoeyLane]

Oh, I see. I honestly don't know the answer to your question. I doubt counseling is going to help, because counseling is for people who actually had a good sexual relationship at the start and then things fell apart. But if you never had any, or if he's genuinely asexual, then counseling is going to be fairly useless. I mean, it could still help your relationship I suppose, but it isn't going to magically create intimacy out of complete nothingness.

 

That is my concern and fear. I feel like i have made a mess out of my life.

[ZoeyLane]

Bring it up again, but not in an argumentative state. Calm and peaceful...

 

I "dated" a married woman whose husband lost interest in sex. He told her to go out and find someone to "play" with and she found me (through a friend of a friend). OMG, I had a blast!! She hadn't had sex in over a year, and boy did she make up for lost time. We enjoyed each other (at my home) for about 6 months, then her husband seemed to regain his desire to touch her, so we stopped seeing each other. I lost track of her after that. I'm hopeful she is happy, wherever she is.

 

I've thought about bringing it up again.

 

I guess my issue is that since I have never cheated, I just have a hard time imagining finding someone that is okay with this sort of set up. I keep thinking if I am single, surely I can find someone eventually.

 

But to stay married, men don't necessarily hit on me knowing that I married. I work in an office that is not opened to the public, so my interactions with other people besides coworkers is limited.

 

Like I said I am interested in this guy, but he knows I am married with a kid. How am I supposed to say to him you know I am in an unhappy marriage, would you like to date? I don't know, maybe I am overthinking this. I really hate this. I hate that I am in this situation. I am such a fool!

[Happy Lemming]

I guess my issue is that since I have never cheated,

 

It is not cheating if he knows and he's given his approval. Similar to my situation, the couple wanted to stay married, she wanted to have sex, he didn't, thus the green light to extra curricular activities.

 

 

But to stay married, men don't necessarily hit on me knowing that I married.

Like I said I am interested in this guy, but he knows I am married with a kid. How am I supposed to say to him you know I am in an unhappy marriage, would you like to date? I don't know, maybe I am overthinking this. I really hate this. I hate that I am in this situation. I am such a fool!

 

OK... there are guys out there that don't care if you are married or not. Its nice that you want to tell them, but in the end as long as we don't get shot by the husband, we don't care. The fact that your husband is giving you the green light, you can tell your potential lover that, as well.

 

Here is how my situation happened. A used to hang out with these 3 other guys, drinking beers, watching sports, guy stuff. One of them was in a committed relationship when this woman described "your type of situation" to my friend. He told her to meet all of us at this local bar and join us for some beers, as my friend knew I was perfect for her. They had music and a small dance floor, at some point she wanted to dance and none of the other guys wanted to dance with her, so I went out on the dance floor with her. We danced through one song, then a slow dance came on, I started to leave the dance floor, but she pulled me back on and held me tight to her and we slow danced (close). Then she whispered in my ear that she wanted me to make love to her and other items that shouldn't be typed on this forum. "Little Lemming" got "Happy" and she knew she had peaked my interest. We waited until all of my friends let the bar, so we wouldn't make it obvious, then we went back to my place.

 

Maybe invite your potential lover out for a drink or two.... And tell him what you want...

[Lowrider93]

I'm pro marriage when the right conditions exist

for both partners, if you continue on this path I

would guess that things would change for the worse.

Not sure what having a lover on the side would do

to help you long term either.

If you did leave you would be entitled to child support +

your income, would that be enough for you to get by?.

[Happy Lemming]

I read a book that you might find interesting...

 

"The Wild Oats Project" by Robin Rinaldi

[ZoeyLane]

I'm pro marriage when the right conditions exist

for both partners, if you continue on this path I

would guess that things would change for the worse.

Not sure what having a lover on the side would do

to help you long term either.

If you did leave you would be entitled to child support +

your income, would that be enough for you to get by?.

 

Yes, with my income alone I would be okay, as long as we split daycare (which we would).

 

The problem is we wouldn't be able to save for college until my son was out of daycare since it's such a huge cost. And we wouldn't be taking family vacations every year (in the states) like I had envisioned which makes me sad.

 

My whole vision of family life and being happily married forever with our son watching him grow up together makes me sad.

 

My husband is a great father, so I know he will help raise him in every aspect. In fact if I left him I would be a little concerned as to how my husband will react because he will not be happy with having to split his time with our son. This whole thing is just so heartbreaking to me but I don't know what else to do.

 

My options as I see it are:

1. Stay in this marriage and just continue to be unhappy.

2. Divorce with hopes to find happiness one day.

3. Stay together and date on the side, but I am not really sure how much that would help in the long run.

 

We have other issues too, the lack of intimacy is the big one for me.

Edited January 31, 2018 by ZoeyLane

[ZoeyLane]

I read a book that you might find interesting...

 

"The Wild Oats Project" by Robin Rinaldi

 

Thanks, I will definitely check it out.

[lil hoodlum]

So what is more important to you, being happy or staying for money and convenience?

 

I know which I would choose. You only live once ZoeyLane.

[ZoeyLane]

So what is more important to you, being happy or staying for money and convenience?

 

I know which I would choose. You only live once ZoeyLane.

 

Yes, I know!!! But what if I leave and I am still unhappy. What if I leave and I am more miserable!

 

I am just so scared to be a parent on my own. I am scared to fail my son. If I were childless it would be a no brainer!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, Zoey, this is so challenging for you.

 

 

I guess what you don't want to be is the person involved where the 3rd party evolves to make your choice FOR you.

 

 

It's nice to be motivated by your own rekindled feelings about another person (the 3rd party), but when, say, you start impulsively following that 3rd party, and become sexually entwined with them, and only then race back to your home to begin retroactively negotiating ground rules or the like, for your marriage, it can be a tangled mess.

 

But the problem with that is, that you just won't motivate yourself to do anything new, or anything for yourself unless inspired by outside elements.

 

 

It IS possible, and probably within the range of realistic, that you could know a sexless marriage at home AND be allowed to go out and share physical intimacy with SOMEone... (what we'll call) successfully... and do a lot more thriving on most fronts.

 

You DO recognize the appeal in some areas of your husband, and if he is that on-the-ball in other ways, he in turn likely recognizes that it isn't unheard of that you should desire intimacy in much the same way known to the rest of society.

 

But if you sit down and be frank and fair with him, while negotiating this release for yourself, it has to be much better than to pass the (years) waiting for the (sexually assertive force) which will eventually lure you away from your marriage (potentially with false hopes of forever )).

 

I'm certain that you DO deserve much more than you're getting, and that as a woman you have a far better chance to make such an odd-seeming arrangement workable within your marriage.

 

 

Were your issue merely a box on a tax form, I and others would surely check the box and advise you "just divorce him already and be done with it"... but this seems more near to an issue of your needing to be convinced to be fair to yourself than it is about your husband being such a bad guy, or directly harming you, to where urgency is important.

 

 

I just... ultimately... sense that you are going to feel better about yourself if you slowly steer your life toward being more fair to you.

 

 

There are indeed a whole lot of people out there who are just festering within relationships and waiting ONLY for some other force to come along and woo them beyond their boundaries... cuz that's the only way they're ever going to initiate changes in their lives. Then they'll find themselves in new relationships only to repeat the same cycle over and over again.

 

Your own at-home negotiations with your husband, about your upcoming sexual freedom will go better in both your mind, and his, when you do NOT have some frothing man eager to get into your pants as you each await only your husband's timid "ok".

 

And for having secured that "ok" first, you will probably know an automatic upgrade in the sort of male partner you'd find... just by the way you would then present yourself to the world.

 

Why don't you spend some free time crafting just the sort of a written personal ad you might post, if wanting to communicate to prospects that you are married, with many of the things you'd always wanted, but that your (asexual) husband has now consented for you to go outside the marriage for physical interaction?

 

Just see what you come up with, in the way of those written ads.

 

And when it comes time to post the ad somewhere, know that such an ad written by a woman brings with it the certainty of scores of replies, which you can sift through with eager anticipation at some point in the not-so-far-off future.

 

 

And if this sounds waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too far beyond your comfort zone, maybe it is a strong hint that you should be planning for divorce.

 

The clock keeps ticking on our lives, and so many of us just sit here...

[Cullenbohannon]

Do not do any of those suggestions.

 

Wait. There will be another Romeo.

 

Your son is 3, he will not need daycare once he is in school. Sit down and make a plan with your husband for a amicable divorce in 2 or 3 years. Set up a college savings plan. If he is good a father as you say, then you two can save a lot in 12 years. If you maintain a good relationship with your STBX then the single parenting will be sooo much easier. Do not fear. Once he is firmly in elementary school, separate and live your life. Have your cake and eat it later.

 

Be patient, but firm. You are only 35. This marriage did not turn out the way you wished but you have plenty of life to live. Do this the right way and your life will be easier.

 

Been there done that.

Edited February 1, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[ZoeyLane]

I know this might sound dumb so forgive me.

 

I've been turned down and neglected sexually for years that it's done a lot to my self esteem.

 

I'm tiny 5'2, 112lbs. I've always been thin and used to have ex boyfriends always wanting sex. I've had multiple partners in my youth and always had guys interested in me.

 

When I was 22 I got a boob job and it was great. I've recently had my boobs removed because they were quite big for my small frame and I was scared to be pregnant and have them be GGG cup or something crazy like that.

 

So since I've had them removed my boobs look pretty bad, especially compared to before when they were a D cup. It's made me pretty insecure. But again, even when I had a D cup my husband still wasn't interested in sex.

 

Anyway the whole point of me going into this much detail is that I haven't been intimate with anyone else since I've had my son and I've had my implants removed. It's making me feel so insecure about taking that leap.

 

This guy that I mentioned earlier... he likes me. But I just know him a little bit. I see him during my lunch break at work on occasion.

 

I'm sure most guys wouldn't care about how my boobs look and I'm sure they look okay. I just miss my fake boobs.

[Happy Lemming]

I dated a woman that got breast implants while I was dating her. To tell you the truth, I thought she looked better before the surgery.

 

Personally, I like the natural look.

 

I think you are being a little hard on yourself.

[wheresthelove]

I need advice, help, or some uplifting stories. I feel so lost and confused at the moment. I don't know what to do or what the right choice is.

 

A little background is that I am 35 years old, have been married for 5 years, together for 9 years. We have a 2 year old son, almost 3. We both work full-time, and ever since we had our son our relationship has changed for the worse.

 

I am so unhappy and I know that my husband is unhappy too. I feel like I am no longer in love with my husband, but stay for my son and for the convenience. Truth is I am scared. Scared to be a single parent. I never wanted to raise my son in a broken household, but I feel so unhappy with my current situation. I keep thinking it would be better to do it now when my son is still little, than to wait till he is older.

 

I feel like my marriage is doomed, and I don't see how it can be repaired at this point. The main issue for me is that we have zero intimacy. And when I say zero, I really mean zero. I consider my husband to be asexual. He has no interest in being affectionate or sex in general. This is nothing new, he has always been this way.

 

We have had countless fights over this issue, and it never changes and it just causes a huge fight whenever I bring it up. We have gone to marriage counseling once over this issue and we stopped going because I felt like it was too expensive, and there was nothing I learned that I didn't already know. That my husband has no need for affection or intimacy. That he is perfectly happy living like roommates.

 

He rather stay up late after our son goes to bed to pay video games or pay magic the gathering on his phone, then spend quality time with me. I was a fool who thought things would change so I married him and had a son. I regret that decision so deeply now, because it's a lot harder leaving when kids are involved.

 

I feel so stuck. We own a house together so we would have to sell the house. Since we work in the same area we share a car, so I would have to buy my own car. I've been looking at apartments and financially I know I could do it on my own. But there are financial obligations that will suffer. I grew up poor and one of my fears is being poor again. My son now has everything he needs, and we're able to save every month for his college.

 

If I were to leave, that would have to stop, we couldn't financially afford two households on top of daycare costs and saving for his college. This makes me feel selfish because I want to be able to give him a good start in life.

 

I keep thinking if I just stay and deal with it my son will have college mostly paid for and grow up with all his needs and wants being provided. If I leave it will be a struggle but I could make it work.

 

There is a guy I am currently interested in but he knows I am married with a kid so I am sure it won't go anywhere, but the fact that I can have feelings for someone else is making me question staying in this marriage.

 

Ok, so you married him thinking it would change? So, lesson learned right? I get it. I'm waiting on things to change in my own relationship too and just haven't made the move to leave yet. Your son is only 2 and you have plenty of time to make college work. He might not even want to go to college either so don't hold up how you truly feel by letting this stop you or making an excuse to stop you. Third, you cannot make a solid decision about your future when someone else is involved. It blurs the real picture of how things need to be before getting into another relationship.

I'm saying this because I am 43. I have two kids, 21 and 17 and have been married twice. First husband passed away at 32 and I remarried 8 months later to someone I was already talking to. He and I were caught up in the newness of our relationship and married too quickly. Now, we are both miserable because we didn't deal with things from the past effectively. I am currently still in this marriage for convenience and it sucks! I want to move out and this isn't the first time I have felt this way. My friends are tired of hearing about it, so I know it's time I do something to really change things. Time for me to put myself first for a change. Kids have a way of making us put ourselves on the back burner, when in all reality, we need to be happy and healthy to set the example. Just my two cents, but stop making excuses and do not see anyone else during this time.

[MidlifeMama]

Sounds like you are still young, which means you already have more time than me at mid life. I married after an abusive relationship to a good, decent, caring, hard-working man whom I never acknowledged that I had no strong attraction for. We raised our children together and had a good life and got through a lot of stuff together.

 

I have been considering divorce for at least 9 years. There is never a right time. I don't want to hurt him, the kids were being raised, I didn't want to struggle alone with half the $ that I have now. I worried I would fall for a jerk again and on and on.

 

I still contemplate to this day but I don't have the issue of my husband ignoring me, but he doesn't need or want sex like I do. So, we talked and try and try and now he has ED due to what I think are the stressors of putting out there our differences and my desire to possibly divorce. I have stated my feelings quite a bit in the last few years. I wanted to give him a chance to state his and see if we could salvage things, so we continue to work on it but honestly I want out.

 

FEAR. Fear keeps us stuck. My kids are grown now...the guilt doesn't go away not wanting to break up the idea of the perfect family. I also did not have that and wanted so badly to have that for my children.

 

So, fast forward your life...you stay and stay and your son is grown. You deny how you feel and don't get what you need. Your son grows up seeing a family where his parents don't have affection. That isn't right, is it?

You worry about finances and not being able to contribute to college. You can make it on your own and both you and your husband can contribute what you can, separately to his college fund.

 

Family trips...those are great but how will you really feel? Will you laugh and hug and communicate or just focus on your son? He will pick up on this stuff, especially as he gets older. We teach our children how to be in relationships.

 

You can have a great time with him on vacation and so can your husband.

 

Write down everything that is preventing you from ending this. For everything you write down, write a counter solution. Sounds un-emotional but I think you need to take your past hurts and needs and wants out of the picture.

 

You've made a life for yourself, you made a decision to marry and it was what you needed at the time. It doesn't look as fulfilling as you had hoped, so why beat yourself up?

 

It has been said that the only marriages are ones that last a lifetime. I don't believe that is true. You have had what you have needed in some respects but in others you have denied yourself just because you had a child.

 

Lets say you trust yourself enough to walk away and continue to provide yourself and your son with what you really need? Don't you think you and he would be better off?

 

Why wait this out and be miserable? Don't wait like I did, it doesn't get easier, it just doesn't.

 

Consider counseling and dig deep. Your son will be o.k. It may even be easier while he is so young. "If you stay, you know what you will have. If you go it's unknown but the possibilities are endless."

[MidlifeMama]

I know this might sound dumb so forgive me.

 

I've been turned down and neglected sexually for years that it's done a lot to my self esteem.

 

I'm tiny 5'2, 112lbs. I've always been thin and used to have ex boyfriends always wanting sex. I've had multiple partners in my youth and always had guys interested in me.

 

When I was 22 I got a boob job and it was great. I've recently had my boobs removed because they were quite big for my small frame and I was scared to be pregnant and have them be GGG cup or something crazy like that.

 

So since I've had them removed my boobs look pretty bad, especially compared to before when they were a D cup. It's made me pretty insecure. But again, even when I had a D cup my husband still wasn't interested in sex.

 

Anyway the whole point of me going into this much detail is that I haven't been intimate with anyone else since I've had my son and I've had my implants removed. It's making me feel so insecure about taking that leap.

 

This guy that I mentioned earlier... he likes me. But I just know him a little bit. I see him during my lunch break at work on occasion.

 

I'm sure most guys wouldn't care about how my boobs look and I'm sure they look okay. I just miss my fake boobs.

We all have insecurities about our bodies. I've had 3 kids, not young anymore but I get hit on all the time. A man who cares about you will love your body. But, if you feel that insecure, take some of your divorce money and get a reasonable boob job, not a size that is out of proportion to your frame. I know several women who said I need some work if I am going to get back out there. I don't think that is always necessary or true but if it's something you feel strongly about that may help you feel better, then go for it.

[ZoeyLane]

 

The clock keeps ticking on our lives, and so many of us just sit here...

 

Yes, this! Thanks so much for your reply.

 

I hate that I can't seem to just leave on my own unless I have something else lined up. I know I should do what is best for me, regardless if I am dating a guy or not.

 

And the more and more I think about it, this fear I have of being alone is just ridiculous, because I ALREADY FEEL ALONE!!!

 

I think my fear is more towards my son. How will he adapt with us being separated, I know he would be just fine since he is only 2 (soon to be 3).

 

But it's more of this idea that I had in my head of providing him with this perfect family. You know, I didn't have that. And my biological dad wasn't in my life, and my stepdad was strict. I never wanted that for my son, but I know that my husband will always be a good father to our soon no matter what. I know I won't have to do this alone.

 

I need to sort out my feelings and figure out what to do. I do want to sit down and have a serious talk with my husband, I am still (sort of) holding on to hope that we can come up with some sort of compromise over our lack of affection. But I know I've tried before and nothing ever changes. But I have never brought it up to him in terms of "this needs to change or else I need to leave".

[ZoeyLane]

 

You've made a life for yourself, you made a decision to marry and it was what you needed at the time. It doesn't look as fulfilling as you had hoped, so why beat yourself up?

 

 

I really like this perspective, thank you! You're absolutely right. I just have this fear that no good man will want me if I am divorced with a son. I know it sounds ridiculous and it's not true. I know there are a ton of great single men out there that will also be divorced with kids.