Married with no intimacy

[ZoeyLane]

We all have insecurities about our bodies. I've had 3 kids, not young anymore but I get hit on all the time. A man who cares about you will love your body. But, if you feel that insecure, take some of your divorce money and get a reasonable boob job, not a size that is out of proportion to your frame. I know several women who said I need some work if I am going to get back out there. I don't think that is always necessary or true but if it's something you feel strongly about that may help you feel better, then go for it.

 

Thanks, I don't agree with your friends. Don't do any changes to your body. I would've been better off if I just left my boobs the way they were. I have destroyed them myself with my implants. Once they were removed they look like deflated balloons. My boobs were perfectly fine and big before I decided to get a boob job (and I was encouraged to do so by an ex boyfriend)

[ZoeyLane]

Do not do any of those suggestions.

 

Wait. There will be another Romeo.

 

Your son is 3, he will not need daycare once he is in school. Sit down and make a plan with your husband for a amicable divorce in 2 or 3 years. Set up a college savings plan. If he is good a father as you say, then you two can save a lot in 12 years. If you maintain a good relationship with your STBX then the single parenting will be sooo much easier. Do not fear. Once he is firmly in elementary school, separate and live your life. Have your cake and eat it later.

 

Be patient, but firm. You are only 35. This marriage did not turn out the way you wished but you have plenty of life to live. Do this the right way and your life will be easier.

 

Been there done that.

 

Thank you for your response. I know 35 is still young, but I feel like my youth is slipping away. You're right that once my son starts school we should both be able to save for his college just fine.

 

I freak myself out when I calculate what college will cost in 2033 when my son is 18. It's an estimation of like 250K which is just so crazy! Right now we have saved 11K, and I still feel like we're not currently saving enough, but we're trying!

 

My brother said to me in regards to saving for my son's college that I have no obligation to save for his college. If I can't save the full amount, he will have to take out loans just like everyone else (I did for my college) and he will be fine and figure it out.

[BluesPower]

Thank you for your response. I know 35 is still young, but I feel like my youth is slipping away. You're right that once my son starts school we should both be able to save for his college just fine.

 

I freak myself out when I calculate what college will cost in 2033 when my son is 18. It's an estimation of like 250K which is just so crazy! Right now we have saved 11K, and I still feel like we're not currently saving enough, but we're trying!

 

My brother said to me in regards to saving for my son's college that I have no obligation to save for his college. If I can't save the full amount, he will have to take out loans just like everyone else (I did for my college) and he will be fine and figure it out.

 

You are just so young... I just had to jump in here...

 

Yes you are young and the best part of your life is before you, and you need to understand that.

 

I think there are several things, fears really that you need to understand and get over.

 

1) There is not god given right for any child to have his collage paid for, none. In fact, I think people, like me, who paid for it themselves appreciate it more. My children are also paying for their own school. It makes them more grown up and not waste time.

 

2) You don't need to worry about not finding someone when you leave. It will not be a problem. You need to worry about picking the RIGHT one for you and your son. TAKE YOUR TIME, or you will be right back where you are now.

 

3) Your husband is gay, he really is and you are a beard, or he is asexual. It really does not matter. No sex in a romantic relationship is unacceptable. In fact I would say that bad sex is also unacceptable. So take your time to learn about sex with the right man/men and know what you want when you decide to get married again.

 

4) Don't live in fear of leaving. I could go on and on about this one, but suffice to say that this marriage is dead, and there is a lot more out there that you have no concept about at your young age. Take your time but be brave.

 

I spent 26 years in a horrible marriage for all the "right" reasons, I was a fool.

 

Don't be a fool...

[health]

I need advice, help, or some uplifting stories. I feel so lost and confused at the moment. I don't know what to do or what the right choice is.

 

A little background is that I am 35 years old, have been married for 5 years, together for 9 years. We have a 2 year old son, almost 3. We both work full-time, and ever since we had our son our relationship has changed for the worse.

 

I am so unhappy and I know that my husband is unhappy too. I feel like I am no longer in love with my husband, but stay for my son and for the convenience. Truth is I am scared. Scared to be a single parent. I never wanted to raise my son in a broken household, but I feel so unhappy with my current situation. I keep thinking it would be better to do it now when my son is still little, than to wait till he is older.

 

I feel like my marriage is doomed, and I don't see how it can be repaired at this point. The main issue for me is that we have zero intimacy. And when I say zero, I really mean zero. I consider my husband to be asexual. He has no interest in being affectionate or sex in general. This is nothing new, he has always been this way.

 

We have had countless fights over this issue, and it never changes and it just causes a huge fight whenever I bring it up. We have gone to marriage counseling once over this issue and we stopped going because I felt like it was too expensive, and there was nothing I learned that I didn't already know. That my husband has no need for affection or intimacy. That he is perfectly happy living like roommates.

 

He rather stay up late after our son goes to bed to pay video games or pay magic the gathering on his phone, then spend quality time with me. I was a fool who thought things would change so I married him and had a son. I regret that decision so deeply now, because it's a lot harder leaving when kids are involved.

 

I feel so stuck. We own a house together so we would have to sell the house. Since we work in the same area we share a car, so I would have to buy my own car. I've been looking at apartments and financially I know I could do it on my own. But there are financial obligations that will suffer. I grew up poor and one of my fears is being poor again. My son now has everything he needs, and we're able to save every month for his college.

 

If I were to leave, that would have to stop, we couldn't financially afford two households on top of daycare costs and saving for his college. This makes me feel selfish because I want to be able to give him a good start in life.

 

I keep thinking if I just stay and deal with it my son will have college mostly paid for and grow up with all his needs and wants being provided. If I leave it will be a struggle but I could make it work.

 

There is a guy I am currently interested in but he knows I am married with a kid so I am sure it won't go anywhere, but the fact that I can have feelings for someone else is making me question staying in this marriage.

 

Lol I love the last few sentences here. There's a guy you're interested in. That's the exact source this is all steming from.

 

Could you leave your whole family and be single?

 

Would you destroy what you built to be single?

 

Probably not.

 

But you would for a fantasy.

 

I'd say solve the problems with your husband and jump start your marriage. Cut off the other guy.

 

Good luck.

[health]

Bring it up again, but not in an argumentative state. Calm and peaceful...

 

I "dated" a married woman whose husband lost interest in sex. He told her to go out and find someone to "play" with and she found me (through a friend of a friend). OMG, I had a blast!! She hadn't had sex in over a year, and boy did she make up for lost time. We enjoyed each other (at my home) for about 6 months, then her husband seemed to regain his desire to touch her, so we stopped seeing each other. I lost track of her after that. I'm hopeful she is happy, wherever she is.

 

Yuck. My bad, that's just the opposite of my value system. Hope you're happy wherever you are.

 

Back to my coffee.

[Popsicle]

People make some compelling arguments for staying for the kids. I haven’t seen them yet in this thread (they are on this forum) but they would be perfectly placed in this thread. I am not a fan of staying for the kids but I recently heard an argument that “being split up is not the story that the kids were born into” and thus it is not what they want and not fair to them.

 

As for cheating, no way no how.

 

The best case scenario is if your husband gets his head out of his ass and starts having sex with you. Why married couples can’t act right and work their problems out is beyond me. Myself included

[SpecialJ]

I don't have a firm opinion on whether you should stay or go, but a couple things I picked out.

 

Not all counselors are the same. The one you went to may have not been worth the money, but have you tried others who specialize in handling asexual/sexual situations? He's not going to suddenly get more attracted to you if he wasn't in the first place, but there may be other ways to negotiate the situation.

 

Does he understand that withholding affection totally puts the marriage at risk? He may very well be avoiding the issue: it sounds to me like playing video games is an escape and excuse for him, more so than he's just doing it without really thinking about it because he doesn't need affection. Sometimes you figure out how to provide something to the person you love just to make them happy. Again, I don't think he could ever match your sex drive, but there's a difference between having any affection and emotional intimacy and being roommates. It doesn't sound like he's communicating well about this or that you found a therapist who has helped you communicate and explore negotiating your needs together.

 

You shouldn't stay in a sexless / loveless marriage just for convenience and comfort, but I think there's still some improvements you can make in regards to the mutual communication going on here that would at least make you feel more settled about whatever decision you need to make for you and your son.

[BluEyeL]

Don’t be afraid. To get something worthwhile, you do have to put a lot of effort in but at least you’re giving yourself a chance.

 

Divorce him and push through the few hard years and I guarantee that unless you’ll stand in your own way, you can find love again , get married again and be happy!

 

I got divorced, my son was 6 and yes it was hard. Dating and looking for love was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m a first generation immigrant, so I’ve been through pretty difficult stuff. But I’m remarried and happy and I’m so glad I got divorced! The sooner you divorce, the sooner the hardest part will be over and you’ll be happy again ! Waiting too long is just delaying your second chance !

[Just a Guy]

Hi Zoey, sorry to see you here. In all that has been said on this thread I was wondering whether you have considered that your husband may be suffering from low testosterone levels. There is also the possibility that there may be a thyroid deficiency that he may be suffering from. He should undergo tests for these and if there is a problem then he should get treatment for it. He may also be suffering from some form of psychological problem which is holding him back from expressing himself emotionally and sexually towards you. These are possibilities which need to be eliminated before you take the drastic step of divorce. Maybe an endocrinology test should also be carried out to eliminate that as a cause for his low sexual desire.

 

On another note, if you and your husband do agree on a 'Hall pass' arrangement you could find likely partners on AM or CL. If you have heard of the term 'Hotwife' then you would know that you would qualify for that title. You could check out websites which deal with that kind of alternative lifestyle by Googling the term. In saying this I have to qualify what I have said by adding that your personal ethics system should not conflict with what you plan on doing. Conflict will add to a guilt burden which can be intolerable. Whatever path you choose do so after hiving due consideration to all facets of your relationship. Warm wishes.

[BluEyeL]

The problem I would have with the hall pass solution is not necessarily the morals of it. But for me it would not be JUST about sex. I would normally like to have intimacy at all levels, so I'd like to feel free to get attached to my lover and keep him for myself, build a life together filled with intimacy and everything else, not just a penis. I can do that with a dildo.

[Just a Guy]

Hi BluEyeL, you are absolutely correct insofar as a relationship resulting from a hall pass arrangement would work for you. However, there are any number of women who can have sex with someone and not get emotionally attached. What you say would be true if a woman were to choose just one FWB partner as over time hormones like oxytocin would work to create an emotional bond between the two partners. However, if the woman has a number of partners as happens in these types of cases then the possibility of developing emotional bonds with one partner are slim. If you visit any of the alternative lifestyle websites which deal with so called Hotwives you will see that these women keep changing partners fairly regularly so as to avoid just this problem. The bigger block is the mental block that women have which is, that their cultural and religious upbringing make it extremely difficult for them to be able to indulge in activity like this. The moral or ethics factor weighs very heavily with most women. Of course in the liberalized and increasingly weak religious affiliations that are prevalent in modern society in Western nations and now also increasingly in Eastern nations too, this moral or ethical fibre is weakening and being swamped with such earthly, sinful tendencies.

 

In all this it is a person's individual choice as to what he or she does. Human sexuality has been repressed by religious dogma for a long time and now the pendulum is definitely swinging to the other side in the extreme. Socio- economic changes are taking place so rapidly that human beings are unable to keep pace and adapt accordingly. The result is that aberrations are occurring in society and people are unable yo cope with them. This is one of the reasons for the high rate of divorces and extra marital affairs that are taking place. It is also the reason for the proliferation of all these alternative lifestyles which are mushrooming. Hedonism is gaining ground and people are quietly accepting of it. Sorry for this lengthy diatribe but I thought I should try and answer as to why I made the previous post about Hall Passes et al. Warm wishes.

Edited March 20, 2018 by Just a Guy

[BluEyeL]

I don't know, it makes sense what you're saying. I mean, sure, if you change partners you don't have the attachment issue. But only for me speaking, and only hypothetical, I wonder if that would be satisfying, the changing of partners and the impersonal sex without attachment. It could be hot for one or two trials, but live a life like this?

 

I would personally rather divorce and sleep around if I want to, but know that I have the option to find someone to love. If you are married to someone platonically and you sleep around on the side with no attachment, there is no other option available, you can never have both. I am sure it works for the hotwives otherwise they wouldn't do it, but if it were me, I would still favor divorce, cleaner and giving more freedom.

[BarbedFenceRider]

But can we all agree, that intimacy is a lot more than just sex....

 

I can see that she has "needs" but her own first statement she said intimacy. What is lacking from this relationship is the "bond" that is formed between two partners. If she did get some "strange" on the side...There is a good chance, that if she starts spending time with the OM, she will get her intimacy and build love with OM. Thus, right back into the infidelity side of things..

 

I know I'm projecting here, but some things need to be considered. Does OP want to make love to her husband? Or does she just want the big "O"? Does she feel attracted to her husband and he is just cold fish? Or There is nothing there but the thought of "being married" hanging around....

[happyhusband0005]

While an open marriage situation will give you something you are missing at home I'm not sure it is the right answer. It sounds like you relationship is pretty bad besides the sexual issues. If you stay with him as roommates you are modeling a very bad relationship for your son which he will see it will impact him. The negative impact of witnessing this with his parents will be fairly significant. Kids who see an unstable relationship in their parents tend to be very anxious.

 

Now if there was a way you and your husband could improve the emotional intimacy and caring while you got physical intimacy elsewhere that would be something else. Then you could have a reasonably happy marriage with with mutual respect and love. But that is a very tricky situation to pull off from what it sounds like.

 

Open marriages have their place in some situations but it doesn't sound like yours is one to me.

[marky00]

I'm pro marriage when the right conditions exist

for both partners, if you continue on this path I

would guess that things would change for the worse.

Not sure what having a lover on the side would do

to help you long term either.

If you did leave you would be entitled to child support +

your income, would that be enough for you to get by?.

 

At least if she goes out there and has some fun/sex, after a while she might realise that as long as she is getting intimacy somewhere else, the marriage might not look so bad. Best of both worlds.