Partner is being avoidant... or worse?

[snowboy91]

Hey all, need some insight.

 

I've noticed my GF seems to be holding back a lot of mildly negative emotions from me recently, and always based around some fairly hot topics. A few recent examples (two of which were last night)

 

1) This weekend we are attending an engagement party for family (my side) which require us to stay in the country 4 hours away. Saturday during the day is relatively free at this point, so my GF suggested we need to do something together away from my family, because I didn't go to an engagement on her side last year (and thus it isn't fair that I didn't make the effort when she did). The crucial part is I missed that party for a milestone birthday for my family which was on the same night. We discussed and agreed to go separately that weekend, if I come to the next event without complaint (which I did). I'm just frustrated she decided to bring this up months later when I thought the issue was solved.

 

2) After sex last night it took me about 10 minutes to get it out of her that she isn't completely satisfied. It's one thing to not be able to completely satisfy her (I'm aware I don't perform as well as I'd like... it sucks but I'm willing to accept that at this point) but it's another to not even know about it and have her pretend that everything is great. This one is certainly understandable, but to me it's a ticking time bomb before she starts looking elsewhere.

 

3) The sticky, ongoing topic of what happens when we both finish our postgrad degrees - I brought this up a while ago on here. She was scoping out moving somewhere overseas (and is visiting next month on her own coin) where I won't have many opportunities, but now is saying she's staying here because that's what I want for my own career.

 

Anyway, it seems like the common theme is that she's failing to tell me when she's unhappy with something, and she says herself that she thinks it's "not worth upsetting me over". I do get where she's coming from, I did avoid conflict in much of the relationship so far. But I know on my part it led to a lot of resentment and ambivalence about the relationship. I just don't want her to be constantly unhappy... or to be living with someone who just tells me what I want to hear (or omits what I don't want to... which is almost as bad).

 

I know she would never leave me, but it's a lot of pressure to try and make her happy when she doesn't even want to tell me what's wrong, and guessing games get tiring. Is there a way of making her feel comfortable to open up about what's really going on?

[Standard-Fare]

#3: is your biggest one to clear up here, but you didn't say the timeline on that. If this is next fall, these issues need to be dealt with soon in some sort of decisive manner. If years away, relax a bit.

 

If it's at all possible, you two should try to come up with an Option C that is neither her making big sacrifices or vice versa, but more of a compromise where you're both making more minor sacrifices. Because if either of you are forced to give up major career goals for the sake of the other partner, there's little chance of this already ambivalent relationship surviving.

 

#2: Not sure, but sounds a little bit like you're goading her to criticize you sexually, which would be very unappealing behavior. Either way, try to approach it from more a positive, proactive angle, like, "What new things do you want to try?" or "Do you like X better, or X?"

 

#1: Try not to overthink that BS. Most people don't LOVE giving up free time to hang out for extended periods with their partners' families. But just as she shouldn't be digging up past "deals," YOU also shouldn't be maintaining such a thorough point system.

 

Try to allow each other breaks from the family stuff whenever feasible, but beyond that, agree to suck it up without complaint.

[Vyliss]

Your biggest mistake is assuming she would never leave you. All of what you've indicated signals a strong possibility she will leave you in the near future. Especially if another guy comes along and gives her the right amount of attention.

 

(Just have to look at the Break up forum to see the lead up signs).

 

The fact she is withdrawing from you, not communicating and clearly making sacrifices that would NOT benefit her or make her happy in the future signals a break up coming on.

 

This is not to be a downer on you but hopefully a big wake up call you need to do something quickly. 50% of it is her... she's not communicating. But why? Is she afraid of upsetting you? How do you react when she does bring up issues? Are you cold, distant etc? Is she doing this because she has an avoidant personality OR she's falling out of love and doesn't even know it yet.

 

I'm just telling you this because I did something similar in my first relationship. I was very avoidant, didn't communicate, didn't want to talk about problems - ultimately I wasn't happy and once I saw a way out I took it.

 

Biggest lesson here - talk about your problems - encourage her to talk about it, make her see this will bring you closer and you want to try to fix/change whatever is making her unhappy. Don't just accept her acquiescence as a good thing. It's definitely not, she's building up resentment as we speak. If she doesn't want to work on the relationship... then I'd say she doesn't care anymore and therefore maybe you should break up.

[snowboy91]

#3: is your biggest one to clear up here, but you didn't say the timeline on that. If this is next fall, these issues need to be dealt with soon in some sort of decisive manner. If years away, relax a bit.

 

If it's at all possible, you two should try to come up with an Option C that is neither her making big sacrifices or vice versa, but more of a compromise where you're both making more minor sacrifices. Because if either of you are forced to give up major career goals for the sake of the other partner, there's little chance of this already ambivalent relationship surviving.

Yep it's soon - we'll both be done by the end of the year, and most likely she will finish her studies before me. The problem is that compromising is very difficult. If I try to discuss, no matter how I word it, it either ends with her shutting down and saying she'll follow what I decide, or me shutting down and doing what she wants because I know she'll shut down, and it feels horrible knowing she's putting her goals aside for the relationship.

 

#2: Not sure, but sounds a little bit like you're goading her to criticize you sexually, which would be very unappealing behavior. Either way, try to approach it from more a positive, proactive angle, like, "What new things do you want to try?" or "Do you like X better, or X?"

 

Good point, I wasn't clear in my post (my fault). Immediately following sex, she told me there was something on her mind, but she felt it was "too mean" to share. I didn't know it was about sex until I finally heard what it was.

 

In the past though, she's been very averse to trying new things in the bedroom, and prefers not to talk about sex while we're actually doing it, as it ruins the mood for her.

[snowboy91]

This is not to be a downer on you but hopefully a big wake up call you need to do something quickly. 50% of it is her... she's not communicating. But why? Is she afraid of upsetting you? How do you react when she does bring up issues? Are you cold, distant etc? Is she doing this because she has an avoidant personality OR she's falling out of love and doesn't even know it yet.

 

Yep, she's almost always afraid of upsetting me, and so she never brings any issues up unless I actively notice her behaviour is off and ask her.

 

If issues are brought up, cold and distant is certainly not at all what I'm like. I try my best to listen and make changes, but sometimes I do get upset. And it's because I occasionally get upset (even though I use it as motivation to solve the issue), that she fears bringing up issues.

 

She has always self described herself as never wanting to get in trouble, and finding any form of conflict stressful. Which led us both to never discussing any differences, which became never discussing issues, which ended up becoming more major issues, and I end up bringing them up.

[Logo]

I don't know how this will go over as I've yet to try it or be in that position, but you can try telling her that if she's afraid of sharing her thoughts with you due to a strong fear that it would lead to the demise of your relationship, then her staying quiet about a lot of things that bother her, however trivial, usually does any relationship more damage.

 

The other option and I'm sorry that I have to say it, it's possible she's hiding her dissatisfaction and feelings from you because she's planning on monkey branching and jumping the so called ship as soon as she finds an alternative. It will be one of those "I met someone else. Goodbye" type of deals.

 

Standard-Fare gave you some good sound advice. But, if your girlfriend will not cooperate and open up to you then perhaps a direct honest approach is warranted. But, I don't know how well that will go over.

 

Good luck!