It took us 6 years to finally even kiss and now I'm being ghosted (AGAIN)

[platonicorwhat]

This is going to be kind of long because that's the only way I can truly fit everything into it, enough that I feel you can get an idea of the friendship/whatever we have going on.

 

2011: We become friends. Super super close immediately. Both going through break ups with our "first loves". We were like 17 here. Would talk on the phone nonstop, spend weekends together, etc. Nothing ever happened. We would always "confess" feelings and then play it off as a joke. A few times, we would get KINDA serious and I would end up talking to someone else (dumb, I know) and he would get real mad, back off, talk to someone himself. At one point he even moved in with my mom, but then we got into a massive argument and he moved out. This entire time, nothing romantic actually happened beyond play fighting, holding hands when scared etc or "confessing" and then playing it off. I remember him calling me almost in tears because I was talking to someone and telling me that he loved me but he just couldn't be my friend and that he'd always come back etc.

 

2012: still super close, neither of us dated anyone since we became friends. Then he suffers a lost in his family and disappears for a few months, just when things were really picking up. Comes back and turns out he's going to the army, I start dating someone. He starts dating someone. We write letters. Remain in contact off and on.

 

2013-2014: Me and my bf break up and he's single too, we get close a little (still platonic) but then I immediately date someone else. He dates someone else. We don't talk for a while and when we do super short. He's still in the army.

 

2015: We talk. I move outta state with my bf at the time. He's still in army. His gf and him break up. We get pretty close. I can tell I still have feelings for him, so I feel bad and ghost him, still keeping in touch here and there.

 

2016: My relationship is going BAD. We moved back. He's back too. We talk a lot, but never anything serious. We never hang out. I ghost him a lot this year. I would feel bad, ghost him or talk so good about my boyfriend (who by the way was extremely abusive. Near the end of the year, he sends me a picture of a letter I wrote him when he was in basic and we got extremely close again, talking all the time.

 

2017: my relationship is extremely bad. The guy is violent. I'm maintaining my friendship. Then my friend comes into my work (after he just got back from outta the country) with a keychain he picked out for me. Gives it to me. I finally end my relationship with my ex but I was still living with him. Me and my friend hang out some for a few weeks. At this point it's still platonic, beyond him finding ways to touch me (such as suggesting activities where he's gonna have to pick me up), planning vacations together that are obviously romantic. He makes A LOT of references to how weird he used to be, how he used to talk to a lot of girls and thats why he dropped me, how he's almost ready to settle down "with the right one". He's regularly driving an hour to just pick me up and ride around and talk, we get a hotel together and talk all night (nothing happens), etc. His brother is asking my friend about my situation and asking if I like him. etc. It seems to go really well. He ghosts me.

 

At this point, I'm kind of understanding because it was getting serious but the time was off because I was living with my ex. He also immediately started school and started looking for jobs (after taking a year break after the army)

 

Here's where it gets weird though, ever since then it's been this weird cycle. We hang out, he disappears. We hang out, he disappears. A few times, I just sort of assumed he gets stressed and vanishes from everything. We'd hang out and it would be like a date, but then he'd disappear. He would talk to me for days or weeks, however long, until we hung out again and then disappear.

 

We started heavily flirting after I moved out but still, nothing happened. Still the same cycle, hang out but nothing happens, ghost.

 

Then one day, I decided I had nothing to lose and confessed my feelings. I blamed it on being drunk but he acted weird about it. At first like he didn't believe me and then "yeah pretty much but..." and turned it sexual when I asked if he only viewed me platonically.

 

So I was like ok, and just made a tinder. Nothing happened. Hung out with one guy and it ended up being weird, but whenever we hung out again it came up. He acted kinda mad and then a few days later there was a post of him with a girl (I think the picture was old though)

 

Then my friend texted me at 1am trying to do a booty call. I turned it down.

He tried again. I turned it down. I told him I wasn't against being friends with benefits but I wasn't gonna hang out super late unexpectedly.

 

We hung out again and I stayed the night and nothing happened!

Ghosted me again.

 

Then about a month ago he texted me, and we talked for a while. Then he tried to get me to come out with him and all his friends and his brother. Then he invited me over to hang out every single night for a week and i turned it down because of work and school. His brother was also trying to get me, him, and my friend to go on a double date so obviously they know about me again.

 

Finally, I caved in and we had sex.

 

6 years after knowing him.

 

All night he made nervous jokes about it. He tickled me for like a straight hour. He was so nervous about it. Then it happened and he was like "did that even really just happen" and I was shocked too.

 

then he turned to me and told me to stay discrete which doesn't make sense to me because he obviously isn't ashamed to be around me because he was trying to invite me out with his friends and everyone. I don't know if he's talking to anyone else but he doesn't seem like he's hiding stuff.

 

Since then we haven't hung out (as expected) and we havent really talked beyond short conversations.

 

Part of me wants to think, he feels the way I feel about him but he doesn't wanna try to get serious just yet but he's "touching base" so that we can build a life together when we're both ready. I don't even know if I could deal with a serious relationship right now after everything but I do know that I love him and I have this weird idea in my head that we're gonna end up together. Like he doesn't wanna make it seem like he's definitely committing because if he did, I'm the type of person to actually get mad and drop him if things don't work out. When it's in this stage, I don't really get mad over anything because it's not my place yet. If that's the case, I understand because I do feel like if we start things at the wrong time, it could mess everything up (hence why I used to periodically ghost him). It's just that at this point, I dont' see why it's SUCH bad timing. Unless it's cause I was in a serious relationship a little less than a year ago or because we're both in school.

 

Be brutally honest here. Am I romanticizing this? On the other hand, he could just be bored. It just doesn't make sense with all the random nice **** he does for me, and the fact that he hung out with me for about a year periodically, knowing we weren't gonna have sex or anything. Obviously, I'm not just a friend at this point and I'm pretty sure I never was because of his reactions to stuff.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry, but if he really wanted to date you he would have made that happen. He has certainly had plenty of opportunities in the last 6 years!

 

I would say, what you had was a much anticipated one night stand.

 

Why are you waiting around for a man who comes and goes from your life like the seasons change... Men who are good partners will show their interest, they will be consistent, and they will be reliable. Has this man shown you that he can be dependable, consistent, or reliable? No.

 

Don't romanticize this and don't wait for him. Because, if I had a crystal ball and could look into your future together... I see you married with two children at home and then... Poof! He is gone again. And you are left broken hearted, alone, and caring for your children. That's not what you want. You deserve more for your life.

 

Best wishes.

[platonicorwhat]

I'm sorry, but if he really wanted to date you he would have made that happen. He has certainly had plenty of opportunities in the last 6 years!

 

I would say, what you had was a much anticipated one night stand.

 

Why are you waiting around for a man who comes and goes from your life like the seasons change... Men who are good partners will show their interest, they will be consistent, and they will be reliable. Has this man shown you that he can be dependable, consistent, or reliable? No.

 

Don't romanticize this and don't wait for him. Because, if I had a crystal ball and could look into your future together... I see you married with two children at home and then... Poof! He is gone again. And you are left broken hearted, alone, and caring for your children. That's not what you want. You deserve more for your life.

 

Best wishes.

 

Yeah you’re probably right. It just sucks because he was such a dependable person when we first met. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because was the wishy washy one in the beginning.

[platonicorwhat]

I forgot one important detail (maybe?), but a while back when he was kind of opening up to me, he told me that he feels as though he as bipolar disorder. He told me that sometimes he's himself, and then it gets real bad and he shuts everyone out. He said that he's terrified of getting diagnosed because he's looked up the treatments (medicine) and the side effects were bad.

 

Idk, maybe that would explain his hesitation to start something with me. Possibly why he backs off when things get serious because he doesn't wanna do it and I end up not being able to handle his mental illness.

 

I know people didn't really reply to this, but it's just something I randomly remembered so maybe it can give someone some more insight. I know I'm prone to romanticizing things sometimes, so I really some outside perspective.