Wondering if I need to leave?

[wheresthelove]

Hello there. I'm new here and wanted some advice. I am troubled with the fact that my marriage isn't what it once was. I am 43 with almost grown kids. My youngest is 17 and about to graduate from HS in a few months. My husband and I are in a sexless marriage. He's not interested in me anymore and it's been a struggle with our intimacy for years now. We might be physical once every two months for ten minutes. He wants to hold my hand in bed while we watch TV. He tells me he loves me, but also tries to control everything I do. We do some things together like pistol shooting and long range rifle shooting, but really that's his thing, not mine. I would go to the matches just to be with him. He told me in the beginning that he's a "gamer". I didn't know what that was but now I do and have known for some time. So that was our first huddle. Still, he's addicted to other gaming devices and refuses to admit it. I literally went back to college to give myself something to do because I was bored all the time. Now I am a critical care nurse. I can remember countless times I tried to talk to him about how it made me feel to be neglected. It showed me that I was not the most important hobby in his life. We even tried counseling and went to several sessions. It worked for a few months, but eventually it all went back to the same old thing. I live on a ranch and have so much invested in my place but there's so much to do and he does nothing to help maintain our place. He's living the dream in my eyes. We have land, beautiful home, hobbies, and a wife that wants sex. Not to mention, I do workout and am not overweight. I get compliments often from both men and women about my figure or my looks. Leaving here will depress me so bad that I am afraid of leaving for fear of getting too far down. My first husband passed away unexpectedly at 32 and he was my high school sweetheart. I've never been alone and need advice, but I am miserable in this relationship and want to make a change.

[Happy Lemming]

Would he be open to counseling, again?? Maybe it might stick this time??

 

As a side note, I'm envious of anyone who gets to live on a ranch!! I bet its beautiful!!

[PegNosePete]

It seems that you've tried everything to make it work, and it's all failed. Now you have to face reality that if you want to find happiness in life, you need to end this marriage. If your youngest has exams then you might want to wait until they're over to avoid disruption, but beware of stalling indefinitely. It's easy to get into a cycle of saying I'll file after graduation, I'll file after birthday, file after the summer break, file after Christmas etc and it never happens.

 

Do not leave your house!

 

You should see a lawyer first, and get advice. Take a summary of your finances including both your incomes, debts, monthly expenditures, house value, mortgage amount, loans, etc. Just a 1-side summary, not too much detail. Most lawyers do a free initial consultation so it costs you nothing, to gain a wealth of knowledge about your individual situation.

 

After you've seen a lawyer you could try telling your husband that you've seen a lawyer and will be filing for divorce unless there are immediate and substantial changes. Or if you feel that is a waste of time, just go ahead and file.

Edited February 1, 2018 by PegNosePete

[TobyBoy]

Hello there. I'm new here and wanted some advice. I am troubled with the fact that my marriage isn't what it once was. I am 43 with almost grown kids. My youngest is 17 and about to graduate from HS in a few months. My husband and I are in a sexless marriage. He's not interested in me anymore and it's been a struggle with our intimacy for years now. We might be physical once every two months for ten minutes. He wants to hold my hand in bed while we watch TV. He tells me he loves me, but also tries to control everything I do. We do some things together like pistol shooting and long range rifle shooting, but really that's his thing, not mine. I would go to the matches just to be with him. He told me in the beginning that he's a "gamer". I didn't know what that was but now I do and have known for some time. So that was our first huddle. Still, he's addicted to other gaming devices and refuses to admit it. I literally went back to college to give myself something to do because I was bored all the time. Now I am a critical care nurse. I can remember countless times I tried to talk to him about how it made me feel to be neglected. It showed me that I was not the most important hobby in his life. We even tried counseling and went to several sessions. It worked for a few months, but eventually it all went back to the same old thing. I live on a ranch and have so much invested in my place but there's so much to do and he does nothing to help maintain our place. He's living the dream in my eyes. We have land, beautiful home, hobbies, and a wife that wants sex. Not to mention, I do workout and am not overweight. I get compliments often from both men and women about my figure or my looks. Leaving here will depress me so bad that I am afraid of leaving for fear of getting too far down. My first husband passed away unexpectedly at 32 and he was my high school sweetheart. I've never been alone and need advice, but I am miserable in this relationship and want to make a change.

 

Hmmm. Red flags! He’s either depressed or cheating. Probably cheating!

[MidlifeMama]

First of all I am sorry you are in this limbo.

I understand, I do!

You are scared and that's o.k. but you need to trust yourself and your feelings.

Look into all the finances. Sounds like you have a good job, so that will sustain you. So long as one has a roof over their head and food, the rest can work itself out.

You are not in love, neither is your husband. You may care and love one another but doesn't seem like even counseling has worked.

He is comfortable. Does he work?

Keep your ranch. Seek a lawyer.

If it is impossible to keep your place, seek an affordable place elsewhere. You may need to re-finance and split the equity with your spouse to do so (to keep it)

Emotions are involved with any of these decisions. You will always have your son. Friends? Family? Lean on them. There are support groups. You may find it isn't as scary as you think being alone. Sounds like you are already alone and ignored. A huge weight of not feeling as lonely if you decide to divorce may wash over you.

Your son will graduate soon, yes I agree let that be smooth, but then all bets are off as far as stuffing your feelings.

You could try a trial separation, asking him to find a place so you can sort out how you feel and how it feels to be alone. You jumped in quickly after your first husband passed because you were grieving. Why put yourself through a lifetime of a different type of grieving where your needs will never be met?

Give yourself the opportunity to start a new.

[Unhappy_Nerd]

Hmmm. Red flags! He’s either depressed or cheating. Probably cheating!

 

As a guy who has/had a lot of the same issues in my own marriage, I can say he doesn't have to be cheating. I certainly wasn't. Depressed is much more likely.

 

It sounds to me like he's unwilling to admit that he doesn't love her any more...but I'm probably projecting my own situation on that.

[sac555]

I am so sorry you are going through this ...When you talk to him about it does it help? Is he stressed at work? There may be issues he is afraid of but doesn't talk about it. Is he healthy? I'd want to go to counseling again, and try to get to communicating. let's face it, there are good counselors and bad counselors...do you have any friends that were happy with theirs? Do you guys go to a church or have a friend that does that could get a recommendation for you? I"d want him to know how lonely I was feeling!

Hugs and hoping for a good ending of this for you!

[MidlifeMama]

I think I saw on a different post that you mentioned what a cruel world or something that a woman can be coming into her own sexually and have a man who slowing way down or done with sex. I think that's why so many older women get with younger men??

 

But, back to your dilemma, which is similar to mine..ugh. I am now considering moving out. I hate all the chaos that is sure to follow and backlash and hurt and sadness, but I feel like at some point, the dust WILL clear and there will be a future with romance and yes sex. Why must we give up when we are still hot-blooded females who want to have love and sex?

What do you feel are your most pressing reasons to NOT leave?

Mine have been the hurt, the fear of loneliness (though that's starting to feel like that at home) and the fact I would want to move out of state but can't bare the thought of leaving my grown children.

I am getting a bit past the hurting my spouse as I now have a huge clue that he isn't happy either. Still, it's hard, but I had an epiphany and it seems I should just stay here in this town until and if I get things settled and we all get used to the new norm. Maybe you can try this too? The separating part?

[BaileyB]

Ah, your post made me very sad. You have a lot to be proud of and a lot to offer a man. I know, it's a big decision and there is a lot to let go... But, you are much too young to spend the rest of your life in an unhappy marriage.

[treehugger12]

 

But, back to your dilemma, which is similar to mine..ugh. I am now considering moving out. I hate all the chaos that is sure to follow and backlash and hurt and sadness, but I feel like at some point, the dust WILL clear and there will be a future with romance and yes sex. Why must we give up when we are still hot-blooded females who want to have love and sex?

What do you feel are your most pressing reasons to NOT leave?

Mine have been the hurt, the fear of loneliness (though that's starting to feel like that at home) and the fact I would want to move out of state but can't bare the thought of leaving my grown children.

I am getting a bit past the hurting my spouse as I now have a huge clue that he isn't happy either. Still, it's hard, but I had an epiphany and it seems I should just stay here in this town until and if I get things settled and we all get used to the new norm. Maybe you can try this too? The separating part?

 

I can relate so much to you, the gaming, no sex, you are not alone, I’m 47, together with my husband 26 years, no children. I’ve thought about divorce so many times. I have not left because he really is my best friend and I’m terrified to throw away so many years. We basically live like room mates. Im in a lonely marriage and miss the closeness and intimacy of another man. Im so torn like you. Im afraid of being alone, maybe the grass isn’t greener on the other side? I’m so used to being with him. It’s a daily struggle. I wish I had advise for you, just know your not alone, there is another thread that started on LS about divorcing after 10-25 years, I’m reading, maybe you might want to check it out too. Everyone here usually has good advise and is very supportive. I’ll be watching your thread

Warm wishes and best of luck to you

[Just a Guy]

Hi ladies, in all this remember the adage "A bird in hand is worth two in the bush"! I think everyone needs to evaluate what they have, it's worth and what exactly would make them happy or satisfied. Often we do not dig deep within ourselves to ascertain what is troubling us. We make assumptions about the cause of what troubles us but in the end it may be something unrelated to what we thought it was. People assume that it is externals that are responsible for the fact that we are happy or not when in actual fact it is we ourselves who are responsible for whether we are happy or not.

 

What guarantee is there that once you have left your partners, you will attain exhilarating happiness and live in utopian bliss? You may end up alone, lonely and desperately unhappy with your lot. Yes, you could find your Prince Charming or Knight in shining armour who will sweep you off your feet and ride off into the clouds to a place of Happily ever after. But chances of that happening at your ages is dim for the simple reason that men within your age range will most often be like your husbands in terms of sexual health.

 

At the same time I have to say that if all of you have reached the end of your tethers then instead of procrastinating, just up and do the deed. Tell your husbands that you are done and have given them enough time and opportunity to get back on track and that you have decided to call it a day. Be decisive instead of being weak willed and a slave to indecision. Step out into the Brave New World and make it yours. Wish you all the best for the future.