Sigh

[Michyyyy]

Hello everyone again,

 

I’m writing here instead of getting into with my ex.

 

If you don’t know, I live with my ex and we broke up about a month ago now. I’ve done my best to initiate NC while I look for a place. I would get up earlier for work so I wouldn’t cross paths, cook food earlier, and never come out of my room except to take my dog out.

 

He has come at me twice, mostly about moving out (as if I wasn’t looking), because he felt like he was being “ignored, and walking on eggshells in his own house.” While I’m trying to heal he was making me feel like it was my fault that we got us here, when he’s the one who dumped me over “family circumstances”

 

Anyway, I found a place and am moving in tomorrow. The other roommate came to talk to me and she updated me on her life and my ex (which I asked her not to). I’ve actually been avoiding her as well as I know eventually things I didn’t want to know would come out. So it did. She told me that he was dating other girls. But with no luck.

 

Of course I was stung immediately. But..at the same time it gave me some perspective and clarity. He’s already dating other girls? Sounds like he’s trying to move faster than he should. Which means he’s not over me or atleast dating for distraction. That’s fair, I went on a date as well, but I know nothing will come serious of these dates as I’m not ready. They served as a distraction. I know it sounds mean, but it did help somewhat.

 

I was mad at myself for letting myself get carried away talking to her, but it was my fault so I kinda deserved it.

 

Anyway, I have a debt to pay with my ex as we’ve accumulated things over the past few months. So I write up a contract and had him look it over. I was a little pissy because he kept nitpicking **** like the dates and specifics and believe you me, these were all specific as it could get. Basically I wasn’t acting very nice. So I threw a mean blow at him basically. And then he tells me, “I know you’re mad at me right now, but I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I’ve let you stay here while you find a place blah blah blah.” As if he had a choice(he would never throw me out). I told him, “your feelings are validated.” And walked off, smiling and accomplished with myself.

 

He went to the garage to get my desk that he bought for me while in the relationship and ended up splitting his thumb open as he dropped the glass from the desk. I still care so, I helped him patch it up and clean up the glass. I felt better so, I apologized. I told him he didn’t deserve to be talked to that way, but that he has to understand that I am hurt, and he was my first. It’s going to take some time. But all in all apologized again and left it at that.

 

I started this post very angry, and at the end of it now, I’m at peace. I could have left things gross but I didn’t. Eventually in time, I know this animosity will fade, much faster now since I’m no longer in his presence.

 

Besides my mother passing, this is one of the most difficult things I’ve encountered in my life. But I’m excited to move out and move on to my new place. I know great things are coming my way and I’m so ready to take them on. And whenever I am ready, I will try my hand at dating again but not until I am completely restored.

 

Thank you for reading!