Ta222 Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Hi y'all. I'm hoping some of you can help provide some insight because I'm struggling. I met this guy on bumble and we dated for nearly 6 months. He met my family after about two weeks into dating, he wanted to. He told me he loved me 3-4 weeks into dating. After a couple of months he was telling me he wanted to marry me, have a future with me, have kids with me. The weird thing he mentioned a couple of times was he wanted me to throw away my birth control. For the record I never did that. Anyways I thought we were both very happy in the relationship. He had pictures of us on his walls. I would stay the night most weekends. He would do really thoughtful things sometimes that I thought was so genuine and because he loved me. Well two weeks before we broke up he randomly got kind of distant..hot and cold..then one day I came over and he broke up with me out of the blue. He started crying and said he doesn't want to live in this city after he graduates and would feel horrible and guilty if I moved cities for him like he did for his ex and when they didn't work out it was the worst time in his life and he was so alone and didn't have anyone here. He said he loved me but he couldn't get this out of his head after applying for graduation. Funny thing is that he asked me about cities to move to a couple months before this and then he just switched? He then insisted on having a dinner a week later to talk. So we go to this dinner basically for him to tell me the same thing and act like he cared. He told me I'm only the second person he's ever loved and that I am the nicest person he's ever been with etc etc. he said he had no interest in dating anyone for awhile as well. So I get most of my stuff back that night. A few days before the dinner he also deleted every picture he posted of us and untagged himself in every picture or post I posted or mine or his friends posted. It looked like I never existed. Flash forward a few weeks and I see him post a Snapchat of him hiking with this girl. Then flash forward another week or two and he deleted me and my best friends off Facebook and instagram and is now Facebook official in a relationship with this girl whom I have no idea who she is or where she came from. Important side information: When we first met he told me he had an ex who he said cheated on him. He never gave me any indication he was hung up on her. Later on I find out he was actually married to this girl and he never to this day told me that he was married to her for years. I believe he was divorced maybe 3-4 months prior to meeting me. What the hell happened? How could someone go from being this perfect amazing boyfriend to complete opposite? He went from telling me he wanted to marry me and spoiling me to this? I don't understand what happened. And I don't understand how he could get into another relationship so fast. It's like I meant nothing to him and he just lied and future faked and fast forwarded me. Everything was his idea first. He wanted me to move in after 6 months, had plans to meet his family for Christmas. It's been really hurtful to see how someone could just do a complete flip like that and act like you don't even exist now and to get with someone else. She probably doesn't even know about me. The fact that he never told me he was married is hurtful. His ex wife still has their engagement photos up on Facebook as well. This new girl already changed her profile pic to them together and seems to be moving just as fast as we did. This is now his second full blown relationship after being divorced less than a year. What the hell? Can you help me understand what happened here? I'm really struggling. How could he move on so fast? Did he lie to me about his reasons for breaking up with me? Link to post Share on other sites
niji Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 I'm sorry this happened to you. It sucks, but it sounds like the classic rebound case. He wanted to fill the void left by his ex-wife (whom it seems like he loved, a lot) so quickly that he went all in with you, then realized he's not ready. I'm surprised he got with another that quickly. My guess is after breaking up with you, he couldn't handle "the void" more than a few weeks and says f*** this, I'm gonna fill the void by getting a quick fix. I also think he'll break up with her quickly as well. My ex got serious with his ex-wife about 3 months after I broke up with him, and married her after a year. I never talked to him after breaking up (also very hard for him but I was adamant against giving him false hope), all of this information was available via social media so I have no idea what happened, who left who, but it also sounds like he clinged on to his first rebound. Sooner or later, rebounds that happen as a search for a "quick fix" will most likely not work. My ex was super sweet and a genuinely kind person, and I still feel guilty til this day for breaking up with him, but I was not gonna stay in a relationship where I wasn't happy. In the end, he made a wrong decision. As much as I feel guilty, I can't be responsible for another adult's decision. If your ex is anything like mine, know that decent people can do this, too. He probably will need years to get over his ex-wife, and one can only hope he realizes this before making many more girls suffer. It's not you, it's him. Forgive him as he has suffered, forget him, and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Obviously he was lying to you. He is not a good guy after all. He probably love bombs all of the women he goes out with and probably did the same thing to his now new gf. Sorry this happened but online dating has made it so easy for people to lie, fake, get what they want and move on quickly. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Ginger123 Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 I agree with Niji. He needs more time to heal from his divorce. He probably doesn't know what he wants. Best to move on and leave his problems to him. Link to post Share on other sites
broken4good Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 I have recently had a similar situation. year long relationship. it was kind of long distance, but we had life plans. She changed her attitude and everything overnight. then eventually broke it off. wants nothing at all to do with me anymore. The best i could guess is that she realized that this isn't what she wanted. Plus the fact that i never showed signs of a "chase" anymore. I always wanted to spend time with her because I loved her and being with her. That may have been too much and she needed her space and i couldn't recognize that. She told me that she "wasn't meant for a relationship" and that she was happy being alone. Well only a month and a week after we split she was talking to someone and then only a month and a week after that she posted on FB a meme " the only BS i want in my life is breakfast and SEX". Well that guy commented OK!. So i'm assuming she was full of **** and decided she was done with our relationship and wanted to do whatever. I think she fell out of love with me, maybe he did the same with you. The idea of a new an exciting fling??? I dunno. Maybe he was the same. Maybe it all got too "real" and life changing for him and he couldn't handle it anymore. Try to move on if you can and forget. I'm trying myself. It's difficult and I know it sucks and a thousand "what if's" come to mind. but if they are done they are done. And screw them for treating us that way. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 He found this other girl he wanted to date. He's probably already told her he loves her too, even though it's way too soon and was way too soon to be genuine when he told you that. He moves too fast, then he either sees someone else or comes to know you and you become more real to him and fit less into his "ideal girl" mold and he defects. Let's hope she's as smart as you and doesn't fall for his "get rid of your birth control" speil. Link to post Share on other sites
Young mind Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Unfortunately, it is a classic rebound case, he was just trying to project his past relationship onto yours thus the quickness of the relationship, the meeting the parents, the posts on Facebook, the "I love you " after a few dates, he was using you to move on from his lost relationship, I sympathize with you in this situation, but you must attempt to move on as difficult as it may seem, past behavior depicts future relationships, don't expect the next fling to last very long. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ta222 Posted February 1, 2018 Author Share Posted February 1, 2018 Unfortunately, it is a classic rebound case, he was just trying to project his past relationship onto yours thus the quickness of the relationship, the meeting the parents, the posts on Facebook, the "I love you " after a few dates, he was using you to move on from his lost relationship, I sympathize with you in this situation, but you must attempt to move on as difficult as it may seem, past behavior depicts future relationships, don't expect the next fling to last very long. So this girl is a rebound too? They seem to be moving fast as wel. I feel so dumb for falling for it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ta222 Posted February 1, 2018 Author Share Posted February 1, 2018 Obviously he was lying to you. He is not a good guy after all. He probably love bombs all of the women he goes out with and probably did the same thing to his now new gf. Sorry this happened but online dating has made it so easy for people to lie, fake, get what they want and move on quickly. Love bombing is definitely the appropriate definition! Now that I've had time to reflect back he said all of that stuff way too soon, did all of those things way too soon. It's kind of nauseating that he was able to do that and just walk away like nothing but make it seem like he cared. Idk why he was crying while breaking up with me...that was probably fake too. I've since had multiple friends come up to me and tell me he was too charming, too over the top nice that it came across as a little fake and that he would be the type to lie to get what he wanted. . I of course was blind to that. Is this a serial dater monogamist? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ta222 Posted February 1, 2018 Author Share Posted February 1, 2018 I'm sorry this happened to you. It sucks, but it sounds like the classic rebound case. He wanted to fill the void left by his ex-wife (whom it seems like he loved, a lot) so quickly that he went all in with you, then realized he's not ready. I'm surprised he got with another that quickly. My guess is after breaking up with you, he couldn't handle "the void" more than a few weeks and says f*** this, I'm gonna fill the void by getting a quick fix. I also think he'll break up with her quickly as well. My ex got serious with his ex-wife about 3 months after I broke up with him, and married her after a year. I never talked to him after breaking up (also very hard for him but I was adamant against giving him false hope), all of this information was available via social media so I have no idea what happened, who left who, but it also sounds like he clinged on to his first rebound. Sooner or later, rebounds that happen as a search for a "quick fix" will most likely not work. My ex was super sweet and a genuinely kind person, and I still feel guilty til this day for breaking up with him, but I was not gonna stay in a relationship where I wasn't happy. In the end, he made a wrong decision. As much as I feel guilty, I can't be responsible for another adult's decision. If your ex is anything like mine, know that decent people can do this, too. He probably will need years to get over his ex-wife, and one can only hope he realizes this before making many more girls suffer. It's not you, it's him. Forgive him as he has suffered, forget him, and move on. I've been thinking that was the case like that he was filling that void. It's really messed up, selfish and cruel to do to me. I was nothing but loving of this man. I don't even know if he told me the truth of the reasoning he broke up with me. It really hurts to see him be able to get into another relationship again so quickly. That doesn't seem healthy? He didn't even have time to learn from our relationship let alone his marriage still right? Him moving so fast was probably a huge red flag that I missed and him getting into a whole relationship again is weird to me or am I wrong here? Link to post Share on other sites
Jennakay08 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Seems pretty similar to what happened with me. I was dating a guy and one day he's telling me he wants nothing more than for me to live with him while the next day texting who is now his gf. Coming up with a different reason every time as to why we wouldn't work out, when it was the other woman all along. All I know now is that it wasn't me. As hard as it was to believe I did nothing wrong, well I did and that was basically giving him all the benefits of dating me while he was playing me the whole time, but it's his loss. Hopefully the girl he's dating will realize it quicker than I did. I refused to see the red flags and they were flying everywhere. Now that I'm out of it I see them. He was no good for me. The same probably goes for you too. Be glad it was now and not years from now. Use this as a learning tool, it's red flags when they talk love like that in the beginning. It's not love when you barely know someone that's either lust or just a game sure it may feel like it and it's good to hear but it's not healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Similar thing happened to me with a guy that ghosted me. He was also over the top loving and nice. Constant declarations of feelings from date 1, future plans etc. Then he went form full force to nothing and blocking me in a day. My friends also thought that he must be fake as he was too charming and smooth. I only recently found out that he started dating someone else close to the time it ended with us. This is seriously frightening. I am not sure I will be able to trust anyone ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
niji Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 (edited) Love bombing is definitely the appropriate definition! Now that I've had time to reflect back he said all of that stuff way too soon, did all of those things way too soon. It's kind of nauseating that he was able to do that and just walk away like nothing but make it seem like he cared. Idk why he was crying while breaking up with me...that was probably fake too. I've since had multiple friends come up to me and tell me he was too charming, too over the top nice that it came across as a little fake and that he would be the type to lie to get what he wanted. . I of course was blind to that. Is this a serial dater monogamist? Maybe or maybe not... You can take a look at this. I had an ex-friend who was like this. She went from extreme loving to extreme hating. I was often bothered by the fact that there were people she just met, whom she knew nothing about, before she declared that they were her best friends. One particular person was really "close" to her during their short friendship span, then had a fallout, and a year later she didn't even remember the person's name She also had a few outbursts with me and other friends she considered "close friends" over tiny things, so eventually I called it quit. My guess is, when she went into extreme love or extreme hate, to her, those feelings were real. These people, whose emotions are intense but shallow, don't purposely "fake" their feelings, but to outsiders of course we will assume these feelings are fake, because how can you go 180 like this if the feelings were sincere? But the scary thing is, to them their feelings are as real and valid as anyone, and YOU are the evil person who forced them to do the 180 because of your cruel, cruel actions One time she was really mad at me; I didn't even know she was mad because the incident was... completely insignificant (3 other friends also got the anger treatment and none of us understood why, so it's not just me). Me failing to understand why she was angry caused her to be angrier (to be clear, the incident was something like not helping her do a household chore at 6AM on a weekend when we were all very sleepy, and she went completely nuts and said we betrayed her ). I never understood her and thought she was just crazies until I read people's posts on Loveshack about borderline personality disorder. Whatever it is, she's no longer my business, and you should act the same. I understand a romantic attachment is even harder than friendship because of the hormones involved, but try to think positive like other posters have said - better now than later when the damage is exponential. Good luck, you will find someone who deserves you. Edited February 2, 2018 by niji Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ta222 Posted February 2, 2018 Author Share Posted February 2, 2018 Seems pretty similar to what happened with me. I was dating a guy and one day he's telling me he wants nothing more than for me to live with him while the next day texting who is now his gf. Coming up with a different reason every time as to why we wouldn't work out, when it was the other woman all along. All I know now is that it wasn't me. As hard as it was to believe I did nothing wrong, well I did and that was basically giving him all the benefits of dating me while he was playing me the whole time, but it's his loss. Hopefully the girl he's dating will realize it quicker than I did. I refused to see the red flags and they were flying everywhere. Now that I'm out of it I see them. He was no good for me. The same probably goes for you too. Be glad it was now and not years from now. Use this as a learning tool, it's red flags when they talk love like that in the beginning. It's not love when you barely know someone that's either lust or just a game sure it may feel like it and it's good to hear but it's not healthy. Wow! Is he still with this woman? Isn't it crazy how we miss the red flags? I feel kind of stupid to be honest for not seeing it. My biggest worry is that he only did this to me and is potentially serious about this girl. What do you think? And now he's been in relationships almost constantly..from his ex wife to me within a few months..to this girl a few weeks after we broke up. Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 He already had the new woman lined up before he broke up with you. You can take it to the bank. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ta222 Posted February 2, 2018 Author Share Posted February 2, 2018 He already had the new woman lined up before he broke up with you. You can take it to the bank. Does she even know about me? That's so gross to do to someone. Is his intention with her the same as he did to me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ta222 Posted February 2, 2018 Author Share Posted February 2, 2018 Similar thing happened to me with a guy that ghosted me. He was also over the top loving and nice. Constant declarations of feelings from date 1, future plans etc. Then he went form full force to nothing and blocking me in a day. My friends also thought that he must be fake as he was too charming and smooth. I only recently found out that he started dating someone else close to the time it ended with us. This is seriously frightening. I am not sure I will be able to trust anyone ever again. How messed up is that!? Is he still with her? I am in the same boat. I don't know if I can trust again or it's going to take a lot more time for someone to earn that trust. Something isn't right when they rush into a relationship, profess love so early along with marriage and kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Does she even know about me? That's so gross to do to someone. Is his intention with her the same as he did to me? Did you know he had been married? I find it unfathomable that he didn't tell you that. I think that points to a character issue and not just a personality disorder. If she knows about you at all it's as some anonymous ex. His intention is to not be alone. He obviously can't handle it. He will say whatever he thinks he needs to say in order to make that happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ta222 Posted February 2, 2018 Author Share Posted February 2, 2018 Did you know he had been married? I find it unfathomable that he didn't tell you that. I think that points to a character issue and not just a personality disorder. If she knows about you at all it's as some anonymous ex. His intention is to not be alone. He obviously can't handle it. He will say whatever he thinks he needs to say in order to make that happen. I did not know he was married for majority of our relationship. He only ever said "ex" which I assumed ex gf. I saw his ex wife's fb and she still has heir engagement photos up. I also learned that she works for my company and in our database she still has his last name. That would explain how he deleted every pic every post of me ever. Now he's already posting this girl probably. Does he not want to be alone with one person or hops into relationship to relationship before they get too serious? Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 I did not know he was married for majority of our relationship. He only ever said "ex" which I assumed ex gf. I saw his ex wife's fb and she still has heir engagement photos up. I also learned that she works for my company and in our database she still has his last name. That would explain how he deleted every pic every post of me ever. Now he's already posting this girl probably. Does he not want to be alone with one person or hops into relationship to relationship before they get too serious? He isn't well. Past is prologue. He will probably do the same to her. I'm sorry this happened to you. You will be less susceptible to love bombing going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Young mind Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 It's all monkey branching and the fear to be alone, you've been learnt a valuable lesson, don't have any bad feelings, has more to do with them than you, he will keep moving till reality hits , it's all to common and it surely happens. Take your steps to move on actively. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 How messed up is that!? Is he still with her? I am in the same boat. I don't know if I can trust again or it's going to take a lot more time for someone to earn that trust. Something isn't right when they rush into a relationship, profess love so early along with marriage and kids. Yeah and from what I hear he is serious about her. That hurts because even though he treated me like s$it (at the end but not at the start), he is now treating this woman like a queen. Just kind of makes me think what was wrong with me Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ta222 Posted February 2, 2018 Author Share Posted February 2, 2018 He isn't well. Past is prologue. He will probably do the same to her. I'm sorry this happened to you. You will be less susceptible to love bombing going forward. Does he want all the benefits of having a relationship without actually committing to the serious stuff such as moving in, marriage etc? It's like as soon as this commitment he was promising was getting closer he got distant, set up this new girl and left. Is it love bombing, finding a new target per se, and then discarding? Link to post Share on other sites
Jennakay08 Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 Wow! Is he still with this woman? Isn't it crazy how we miss the red flags? I feel kind of stupid to be honest for not seeing it. My biggest worry is that he only did this to me and is potentially serious about this girl. What do you think? And now he's been in relationships almost constantly..from his ex wife to me within a few months..to this girl a few weeks after we broke up. Not only is he still with her but he told me he is in love with her, after being together a month or week, depending on if he is lying or not to me. He said he never felt this way about someone before, I basically feel not good enough because of it. When me and him were dating he would emphasize that he wanted to wait to jump into being bf/gf and wanted to truly get to know eachother and for it to be "perfect", he gets with her and is instantly in a relationship with her. It stung. Sounds very similiar to your situation. He told me everything I wanted to hear I believed every word. I dont know if I will ever trust another male again. I am not bad looking, I was very laid back while dating him, we didnt bicker or argue and I must have missed the connection I thought we had. I treated him like a king, I am really thinking that is where I went wrong, I was easily manipulated to feel like his gf and never "worthy" of the title. It sucks but in the end if he is meant to be with this girl so be it. I have chosen to believe I deserve better anyways. Just the rejection was the crappy part, and the why is she so worthy and I am not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ta222 Posted February 4, 2018 Author Share Posted February 4, 2018 (edited) This is killing me. I keep replaying the things he said to me during the breakup and dinner. His reasonings were obviously a lie. I don't understand why he wanted that dinner to tell me the same things after I asked him to his face if that was truly the reason. He then told me that he did mean all those promises of a future etc etc but when it came down to it he couldn't go through with it. He also said he had no interest in dating anyone for awhile. So when I see he got together with someone else like three weeks later it really hurt. I feel so confused. I regretfully went and stalked her fb lol btw I stopped doing that. But when I did go there I saw she changed her profile photo to them already and the comments were talking about how he was with her family for New Years. Like he did that to me, he met my family within two weeks of dating each other. I keep wondering like is he doing the same bs he did to me to her? Did I heal him from his divorce and is serious about her? Why did he lie to me like that? They seem to be moving fast too idk. Why the constant being in a relationship? Did he learn anything or is he just full of it Edited February 4, 2018 by Ta222 Link to post Share on other sites
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