Divorce After Long Term Marriage, Good? Bad? How Did It Turn Out For you?

[MidlifeMama]

I'd like to hear perspectives on people who left long term marriages 10+ years and how it turned out for you. Better? Regrets? Bad? Happier?

 

What were your struggles? How did you cope? Did any of you remain close to or friends with your exes and what about adult children?

 

Did any of you move away from where you and your spouse or family lived?

 

Contemplating divorce after almost 25 years of marriage so would love some insight for those who have been there

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'd like to hear perspectives on people who left long term marriages 10+ years and how it turned out for you. Better? Regrets? Bad? Happier?

 

What were your struggles? How did you cope? Did any of you remain close to or friends with your exes and what about adult children?

 

Did any of you move away from where you and your spouse or family lived?

 

Contemplating divorce after almost 25 years of marriage so would love some insight for those who have been there

 

How things turned out will depend on SO many things. There's a big difference between 10+ and 25+ years of marriage because of age, probably finances, ages of children, etc. I got divorced after 14 years of marriage, but still have minor children so it's a heck of a lot different than someone getting divorced after 25 years, with grown children, and the option to just go start over somewhere new. The 25+ people would probably have more assets to divide and fight over, but the 10+ people have custody and child support to argue over. Not to mention just having to handle the responsibilities of parenting on your own, as opposed to only having adult children and really only having yourself to worry about.

[MidlifeMama]

How things turned out will depend on SO many things. There's a big difference between 10+ and 25+ years of marriage because of age, probably finances, ages of children, etc. I got divorced after 14 years of marriage, but still have minor children so it's a heck of a lot different than someone getting divorced after 25 years, with grown children, and the option to just go start over somewhere new. The 25+ people would probably have more assets to divide and fight over, but the 10+ people have custody and child support to argue over. Not to mention just having to handle the responsibilities of parenting on your own, as opposed to only having adult children and really only having yourself to worry about.

 

Point taken, maybe I shouldn't specify time frame. Agree on all those points. And so after 14 years how have you done?

[central]

I'd like to hear perspectives on people who left long term marriages 10+ years and how it turned out for you. Better? Regrets? Bad? Happier?

 

What were your struggles? How did you cope? Did any of you remain close to or friends with your exes and what about adult children?

 

Did any of you move away from where you and your spouse or family lived?

 

Contemplating divorce after almost 25 years of marriage so would love some insight for those who have been there

 

I left her after 24 years. It was a mostly sexless marriage, and with increasing distance between us and her disrespect towards me, if became more than I could tolerate.

 

It was the best decision I've ever made. I immediately felt a huge burden lift; I was much happier and optimistic about life. We remained cordial as we had a teenage son at that point, who handled it well.

 

I soon met a truly wonderful woman who is everything my ex was not, and this is my ideal of a relationship. After a few years, we moved many states away and have made a great life for ourselves, far from our unpleasant exes.

[Mr. Lucky]

What were your struggles? How did you cope? Did any of you remain close to or friends with your exes and what about adult children?

 

I can't think of a single couple in my circle that have remained friends after ending a marriage of 20+ years. Assets, lifestyles, new partners - there are a lot of forces working against the Hollywood ending you see in movies. And one of the two ex-spouses usually ends up as the "bad guy", just the way it seems to play out.

 

Make sure your expectations are realistic...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Point taken, maybe I shouldn't specify time frame. Agree on all those points. And so after 14 years how have you done?

 

I've done really, really awful and really, really good. My story is quite long and complicated and involved a lot of heartache and betrayal and fights over money (child support) so I'm not a good one to ask . But, I'm glad I'm not married to him anymore even though it's not easy being a divorced parent with nobody to split the bills with.

[MidlifeMama]

I've done really, really awful and really, really good. My story is quite long and complicated and involved a lot of heartache and betrayal and fights over money (child support) so I'm not a good one to ask . But, I'm glad I'm not married to him anymore even though it's not easy being a divorced parent with nobody to split the bills with.

 

Sorry

P.S. Go EAGLES!

[DKT3]

I know of three couples who were married around 20 years who remain really good friends. What they all have in common is no cheating, married young, and the divorces were mutual. One of the couples we( my wife and I) believe are still sexually active.

[Unhappy_Nerd]

I'm going through the process now. Would've been 18 years married in April. No kids, no pets.

 

I'm the one who wants the divorce, and she's getting pretty hysterical about it. I can't speak for her mental state...

 

On my side, I feel so relieved now that I've made up my mind. I've been living in a fog of unhappiness for so long that even with all of the pain and guilt that this decision has incurred, I *still* feel better than I did before.

 

It's a life changing decision, and one that I see as a huge positive. The STBX has a dissenting opinion, I'm sure.

[NHope]

Yes, I have been divorced for 3 years and was married for 14 years. I had a daughter in high school and my son was 8. It was hard on the youngest but my daughter was good with it. I had talked with her about it before I chose to leave. My son initially wanted us back together but has accepted it now. I was happier than I have been in a long time and was fine being alone. However, I have recently met someone and fallen in love. My son is actually happy for me. He said that he's glad that I have someone. My daughter is actually jealous because my guy has 3 kids and she feels replaced and doesn't want to share me... I'm hoping that will change once she is married, but for now I will deal with it. Hope that helps.

[VanillaLife]

Been a while since I was on here, checking in...

 

I was married 14 years before separation, separated in 2014 and divorced in 2016 so technically 16 years

 

It's not straightforward. Some parts of it have been fantastic and others have and continue to be challenging. Having been in what had become a completely sexless marriage I went through my own personal sexual liberation that has been very exciting. Meeting a lot of new people has been great. And I have made some great relationships

 

But I often feel guilty that I should have tried harder to make things work. It's probably not rational, but emotions rarely are. It has also been pretty disruptive financially, and it is going to take a while for me to get back to where I was.

 

I would say just don't assume it is going to be the answer to everything. It will fix some problems, but create new ones.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Midlife, I read your posts on the other thread and I think you have come to grips with your situation rather well. The last para in your last post was revealing. Apparently you have a deep desire to continue to remain friends with your, by then, ex. Taking into account what you have written about him and his divergent views on reason your marriage would end, I think that is something that is not likely to happen. While you have been mentally preparing yourself for years for this break up, he has been and continues to be,, content with the status quo. Once you break up, he will be hurt very deeply and is not likely to forgive you in this lifetime. That being the case, any question of post marital friendship can be discarded as a pipe dream. Also, to salve his hurt he may very soon engage in a new relationship and considering that he is a placid type of person, he may find any number of willing ladies to take your place. If that happens then I think the new woman in his life will ensure that any chance of a continued friendship with you will be snuffed out at inception. The same could happen with a new male partner of yours.

 

Having said this I think you have a good grip on your situation and are realistic and pragmatic about it. This is important for the success of your decision to separate and divorce. Since your husband has already given you the option to go ahead and divorce( The finding yourself option), you should plan your exit as best and as painlessly as you can. In fact there is no reason for you to hesitate any more. As they say, "Take the bull by the horns" and set the process in motion. Get your proverbial ducks in a row, contact a lawyer and get started. As long as you are convinced you are doing things for the right reason you have nothing to be concerned about. One more thing. Do not let fear hold you back. Warm wishes.