Sexual Compatibility-How important is it? (Is loving someone enough?)

[LuvThing]

How important of a role does sexual compatibility play in a relationship. Can love alone drive and maintain a LTR? What are your experiences around this issue?

[grays]

I think that love alone can do it, but you'd probably have a much happier life if the sex was awesome and you you're really desiring each other.

 

I was married for 25 years with a guy I wasn't very compatible with sexually. I probably would've stayed with him forever (he left me), but as soon as I started having sex with other people I realized that I had just shut down that part of myself for all those years. I did love him, but now I wish I had spent that time with someone I was wild about.

[RecentChange]

For me? It's HUGE.

 

Priority #1.

 

How many threads do we have on here about sexless marriages, marriages that lack intimacy, resulting in at least one miserable spouse and talks about divorce?

 

MANY!

 

If sex doesn't matter to you at all (perhaps a bit A sexual), and you do not have yearning to feel desired by your spouse, and your partner feels the same way, doesn't care about sex, intimacy, feeling desirable, doesn't need that physical release etc.

 

Then I say... Well it might work.

 

For me and my relationship, our sexual compatibility is the glue that binds us.

[todreaminblue]

i feel physical intimacy in a relationship is important.....physical intimacy doesnt only involve sex.....but also physical touch that isnt sexual and more affectionate...you can be highly sexually compatible and long term ....but if your relationship if based solely around this compatibility will most likely fail....

 

what I believe is more important....are common goals and values.....emotional intimacy(communication,affection love languages etc) and spiritual intimacy(where compassion empathy and understanding of a partners needs lie in spiritual togetherness) are far more important......if you base a relationship on the emotional and spiritual union you have together and build upon those two anchors..... then your sexual union should become a satisfying and fulfilling experience....you will become over time more compatible in all areas not less.....

 

if you base a relationship around sexual compatibility what happens when sex might not longer be an option for one of the couple.....due to illness accident or some unforeseen happening.....the sex is out..and the other half still has the same drive.......what is left to carry a couple long term if sexual compatibility was the predominant reason why you were together....and im not saying being sexually compatible doesnt have a place in a long term relationship...im just saying it shouldnt be the pedestal.....

 

i dont know how common it would be for a couple to have exactly the same sex drive all the time they are together anyway....sex drives change...ebb and flow as life does.....they can be adapted...deb

[todreaminblue]

For me? It's HUGE.

 

Priority #1.

 

How many threads do we have on here about sexless marriages, marriages that lack intimacy, resulting in at least one miserable spouse and talks about divorce?

 

MANY!

 

If sex doesn't matter to you at all (perhaps a bit A sexual), and you do not have yearning to feel desired by your spouse, and your partner feels the same way, doesn't care about sex, intimacy, feeling desirable, doesn't need that physical release etc.

 

Then I say... Well it might work.

 

For me and my relationship, our sexual compatibility is the glue that binds us.

 

i understand recent ....can i ask a question though...if you and your partner were no longer able to have sex ......what would be the glue that bound you together...would you leave or expect they would leave with no glue to bind you two together....im not trying to be smart ...i really would like to know what you think....deb

[RecentChange]

i understand recent ....can i ask a question though...if you and your partner were no longer able to have sex ......what would be the glue that bound you together...would you leave or expect they would leave with no glue to bind you two together....im not trying to be smart ...i really would like to know what you think....deb

 

Honestly I am having a hard time imagining a scenario where we couldn't have any form of sex at all... No oral, no manual stimulation? No mutual masturbation, no making out kissing, nothing?

 

I think it still would be important for us to desire each other that way. To give each other that wonderful feeling of being wanted, and having a partner that wants to bring you pleasure.

 

We also give each other massages, head rubs, foot rubs combined with tender kisses etc just about every day.

 

I say the glue that binds, because these are the things that make us lovers, not just "good friends".

 

Without it, I think neither of us would be content, and would be quite susceptible to the temptations of others if we didn't have it.

[seren]

I have shared before that my H is impotent. He has had counselling, surgery and is having further treatment. I love the bones of him, our lack of sex isn't my choice, far from it, but we are more than 'just' sex. For over 25 years we had a wonderful sex life, then circumstances meant that we are where we are now. We are still loving, intimate, but sexually he is unable. You ask is loving enough?, maybe if we had just met, maybe if our relationship wasn't built on years and years of love, sharing etc it would be an issue. As it is, I could no more imagine using it as an excuse for an affair than flying to Mars.

 

My answer is, it depends. It depends on the relationship, the couple, what they value in a relationship and the love.

[todreaminblue]

Honestly I am having a hard time imagining a scenario where we couldn't have any form of sex at all... No oral, no manual stimulation? No mutual masturbation, no making out kissing, nothing?

 

I think it still would be important for us to desire each other that way. To give each other that wonderful feeling of being wanted, and having a partner that wants to bring you pleasure.

 

We also give each other massages, head rubs, foot rubs combined with tender kisses etc just about every day.

 

I say the glue that binds, because these are the things that make us lovers, not just "good friends".

 

Without it, I think neither of us would be content, and would be quite susceptible to the temptations of others if we didn't have it.

 

thanks recent.....deb

[LuvThing]

I Agree. I've always said the difference between good friends and good lovers (someone. you love) is romance and intimacy.

 

Another way put, if you have connection but no chemistry, you have a friend.

 

If you have intimacy and no friendship, you have a F.Buddy.

 

If you have intimacy and a good friendship, you have a partner.

[LuvThing]

In retrospect, do you feel like ultimately lack of sexual compatibly is the cause of your parting ways?

[LuvThing]

I agree with your point. If you are in the beginning of a relationship, then defiantly you need that spark to ignite it. I think it's wonderful you have had 25 years of a good sex life prior to your partners medical challenges.

 

How do you both handle this challenge?

[somanymistakes]

Compatibility is very important.

 

Of course, how compatibility is defined varies. If you have a high sex drive but are WILLING to forgo having frequent sex in favor of self-pleasure or whatever, then you might still be 'compatible' with someone who doesn't want such frequent sex.

[ZayKayWill]

Depends on the people involved. It works for some people.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I can't imagine falling so deeply in love with someone who I was not sexually compatible with that it would become a non-issue. That would have to be some pretty strong love.

[ZayKayWill]

I can't imagine falling so deeply in love with someone who I was not sexually compatible with that it would become a non-issue. That would have to be some pretty strong love.

 

Yeah sex is very important to me in a relationship but to some it isnt.

[central]

Love is not enough. Sexual compatibility is necessary. If there is a significant difference in sexual needs, it builds resentment and unhappiness. Many people do live with it, but are often miserable. You can love someone, but if they ignore you or mistreat you, will you be happy together?

 

Love was not enough in my first marriage, which was largely sexless. After years of trying to change things, my love for her died, and I left. I made sure to look for someone whom I could love and find highly compatible, and with whom I had great sexual compatibility as well. We have the best and happiest relationship of anyone we know because of it.

[Mysterio]

Do you all think older couples byond 60 are fretting about sex with each other.?

[thefooloftheyear]

It clearly just depends on the people....

 

I am sure there are sexless(or limited sex) marriages where both parties are completely happy and are loving and devoted partners...And conversely there are people that are having sex fairly regularly, and can't stand each other....Sounds crazy, I know, but I know some people like this..

 

Some people value food, hobbies, and other activities far higher than sex...For them, its a complete non issue..

 

So whether it's important or not?.., just depends on the individuals...

 

TFY

[Eternal Sunshine]

If someone put the gun to my head and asked me to pick personality compatibility or sexual, I would go with personality. But really, I need both. I need to feel that I want to rip someone's clothes off type of attraction or I won't be happy long term.

[Shanex]

It is very important, I'm late to the thread but GREAT sex does help make people fall in love.

 

I think of myself sometimes as a sex obsessed person (arent many guys?), even then. I sometimes have no choice but being on long dry spell of sex at all and compensate with masturbation.

 

Luckily, I'm not too bad looking, not too dumb and have minimal social skills. I can also hold a convo which, from times to times get me laid, and most importantly land me in relationships.

 

Ive been also lucky to have almost always been with women who enjoyed sex, a lot! Very few didn't.

 

As to keeping the passion last a bit, for a marriage or LTR, I dunno. Sex by and large has many variables, from BJ and missionary to kinky or BDSM stuffs. I'm sure you can try and explore new things so to never get bored.

[Jj66]

For me there has to be sexual compatibility or I won't be able to form a relationship. Once a relationship develops shared life experiences over time will lead to a feeling of love and loyalty that would make me want to try to work through problems that arise.

[Whoknew30]

Honestly I am having a hard time imagining a scenario where we couldn't have any form of sex at all... No oral, no manual stimulation? No mutual masturbation, no making out kissing, nothing?

 

I think it still would be important for us to desire each other that way. To give each other that wonderful feeling of being wanted, and having a partner that wants to bring you pleasure.

 

We also give each other massages, head rubs, foot rubs combined with tender kisses etc just about every day.

 

I say the glue that binds, because these are the things that make us lovers, not just "good friends".

 

Without it, I think neither of us would be content, and would be quite susceptible to the temptations of others if we didn't have it.

 

There’s a million ways that sex can be casted out of a relationship in a second, especially as age goes up. It happened to me medically, before I was even 20...a married couple not to even think that’s a possibility is being a bit naive. Even in scenarios to where you can do those things but you’ll never feel the physical satisfaction from it.

 

 

OP, it’s important but if that’s the number one factor & something goes wrong with either person sexually, then what? My H & I had great sex life & still do but when I had severe medical issues it caused massive problems...we both ended up having A...bc of our age, everything was based on sex. When it was taken away, we struggled with learning that emotion & intimacy was NOT ONLY tied up with sex. Is sex part of it, of course! BUT one must find a person they can be with long term if sex isn’t a option of it bc that part of someone’s life is not guaranteed & if you base a foundation around sex...you’re foundation is built on extremely shaky ground. Good luck

[central]

Do you all think older couples byond 60 are fretting about sex with each other.?

 

We certainly do. It's more challenging to feel spontaneous interest as hormone levels decrease with age, but we consciously work on it to maintain our great sex life.

[hotpotato]

In the past Id say I'm willing to sacrifice some of the sex for love to a degree. Nowadays, I'm not as sure. There hasnt been much opportunity for a man to grow on me emotionally before sex is in the picture.

 

I could go without a steady sex life in a relationship depending on the circumstance. Honestly, if a man were not having sex with me, I'd think he was getting it elsewhere. I did have an almost sexless reltionship where i had to beg for it, but he was getting it elsewhere. If I were with a man with a legit problem having sex, that's more tolerable.

 

I casually dated a man who was celibate. We stopped talking for reasons other than sex. It as very refreshing, and also, there is no hiding behind sex appeal. Many people right now are dealing with someone they dislike for the sex.

[seren]

To the person who asked how we managed our medically imposed celibacy, we have talked about it, my H has spent too much time feeling so bad about it, of course we both miss our wonderful sex life, but, it isn't the foundation of our relationship. We still cuddle, kiss and are intimate, he just cannot 'have sex', but do we love? If we didn't we couldn't cope with it. When I am sick or when I had chemo, I didn't much feel like sex, but there were times I had never felt so loved.

 

It isn't the only way to express love, in fact there are so many times I don't know where he ends and I begin, we are deeply in love even after his A and my illness and our long time together. Of course there are times when I mourn our sex life, but it is the man I fell and stay in love with and it is what life has dealt us. I couldn't look elsewhere, anything other than making love with him would be just second best sex. I miss sex with him, not just sex. It depends on what you value, I value us, however that looks.