Sexual Compatibility-How important is it? (Is loving someone enough?)

[wmacbride]

To the person who asked how we managed our medically imposed celibacy, we have talked about it, my H has spent too much time feeling so bad about it, of course we both miss our wonderful sex life, but, it isn't the foundation of our relationship. We still cuddle, kiss and are intimate, he just cannot 'have sex', but do we love? If we didn't we couldn't cope with it. When I am sick or when I had chemo, I didn't much feel like sex, but there were times I had never felt so loved.

 

It isn't the only way to express love, in fact there are so many times I don't know where he ends and I begin, we are deeply in love even after his A and my illness and our long time together. Of course there are times when I mourn our sex life, but it is the man I fell and stay in love with and it is what life has dealt us. I couldn't look elsewhere, anything other than making love with him would be just second best sex. I miss sex with him, not just sex. It depends on what you value, I value us, however that looks.

 

I view the situation the same way you do.

 

This is just my opinion, but when I read from someone that they love their spouse/partner, but would be out the door quite quickly if the sex were to dry up for even a legitimate medical reason (not just because they made the unilateral decision they no longer wanted it...to me, that would be very different) , then I really wonder how much love was there in the first place.

 

Sex doesn't always equate love. There are couples who have a ton of sex, but their relationship is incredibly shallow and doesn't last. There are other couples who aren't able to have sex, and they are very intimately connected.

 

Each couple is different. Some can love very deeply, and do so even if they are unable to have sexual intimacy. They are intimate in other ways, and that works for them. For others, they go hand in hand and they can't have one without the other. To them, sex is a crucial part of a loving relationship, and without it, they will soon drift away. To me, neither of these views is wrong, and I really do believe that above all else, sex or not, the most important thing that the couple be able to talk to each other and communicate about this openly.

[Els]

I absolutely need a certain degree of sexual compatibility - I need to be able to enjoy sex with him, I need him to be the sort of man who prioritizes his lover's pleasure, and I need us to have a good amount of overlapping kinks/sexual preferences. This is non-negotiable.

 

That being said, I would also pick a person whom I had 90% sexual compatibility AND 90% compatibility in other areas with, over a person whom I had 95% sexual compatibility but insufficient compatibility in other areas. I don't need the person I am with to share 100% of my kinks - that would be unrealistic. As long as we have a good enough overlap to have lots of fun in bed, I'm good in that aspect.

 

I would certainly try to stay and work things out with the SO if there were a legitimate reason why we couldn't have sex. That is the risk that we take by making a lifelong commitment to each other, and to me, what we gain out of such a commitment is more than worth the risk. But I wouldn't have been with him if we hadn't been sexually compatible at the beginning. No sense dooming yourself to a sexually unsatisfying relationship when you're not even in one yet.

Edited February 6, 2018 by Elswyth

[Soxfaninfl]

How important of a role does sexual compatibility play in a relationship. Can love alone drive and maintain a LTR? What are your experiences around this issue?

 

Sexual compatibility has been an issue in my 2nd marriage. I never had that problem in my first marriage that lasted 10 years. Honestly, I do love my wife very much! The one issue in our marriage has been the frequency. We have been together for 5 years. Because I love her so much, I haven’t been able to leave.

 

Her love for me is true and genuine. Something I didn’t have in my first marriage. That is why I haven’t been able to leave because of our love for each other. Maybe I just haven’t hit my wall yet, I don’t know? I know that her love for me is rare. I know that she will love me no matter what, which I didn’t have in my first marriage and was not able to find between marriages.

[RecentChange]

There’s a million ways that sex can be casted out of a relationship in a second, especially as age goes up. It happened to me medically, before I was even 20...a married couple not to even think that’s a possibility is being a bit naive. Even in scenarios to where you can do those things but you’ll never feel the physical satisfaction from it.

 

 

OP, it’s important but if that’s the number one factor & something goes wrong with either person sexually, then what? My H & I had great sex life & still do but when I had severe medical issues it caused massive problems...we both ended up having A...bc of our age, everything was based on sex. When it was taken away, we struggled with learning that emotion & intimacy was NOT ONLY tied up with sex. Is sex part of it, of course! BUT one must find a person they can be with long term if sex isn’t a option of it bc that part of someone’s life is not guaranteed & if you base a foundation around sex...you’re foundation is built on extremely shaky ground. Good luck

 

There is a difference between "everything based on sex" and placing importance on sex. My husband is also my best friend, but without physical intimacy, he would be my best friend, not my husband.

 

And for us at least it is NOT all about "physical satisfaction" its about the intimacy it creates.

 

Thats why I put an emphasis on the below, its not all about intercourse.

 

I think it still would be important for us to desire each other that way. To give each other that wonderful feeling of being wanted, and having a partner that wants to bring you pleasure.

 

We also give each other massages, head rubs, foot rubs combined with tender kisses etc just about every day.

 

I don't see why the things I bolded above would be removed by a medical condition.

 

When I read stories about sexless marriages here, rarely do they include what I have lined out. To me, these things are part of sexual compatibility and intimacy.

 

TOUCH is my #1 love language. I love to touch and be touched. So much so that I have take an number of courses in massage etc. Being able to bring pleasure, and to even physically heal my partner with my hands feeds my soul.

 

If I had a partner who did not put such an emphasis on physical touch, we would indeed have a shaky foundation.

[Mysterio]

I am single. I don't have sex unless I am in a dating situation. Or we are a couple.

 

I just can't have casual sex. I don't trust the women out there for that. I don't see any women like that who are into that anyways.

 

I really don't see the women around me as wanting and fretting about sex as a whole, and I have women friends.

 

The guys will talk about it more than the women. I don't like having a sexless life at the moment, but there is nothing I can do about it. Unless I see a hooker. A FWB does not jive in my head and is semi beneath me, unless its brought to me. I am not going to solict that style of relationship.

 

I do think that you need both in a romantic relationship to flurush. I know that I need both. I just don't need it everyday. Compatabliity is both in the couple have humour and similar ways of thinking. Opposite attracts don't work out for the most part.