Divorce or stay

[James01]

I really need help please guys

This may be long but i really need advice . I got married March of 2016. but i haven’t been faithful. I’ve been verbally Abusive, emotionally also. I am very irresponsible i recently lost my job and thru out our marriage i put a financially strain on everything. We were recently living with her parents because of me not being responsible. About a month ago i moved out and that really hurt her.

 

The reason i moved because me and her really don’t get along i feel like she doesn’t sumit to me but i give her more than enough reasons not to. I get mad when she don’t wash my clothes or fix me dinner . Honestly i have literally been the most terrible husband a woman could ask for . And my wife is a great woman . She is smart , very beautiful, and has a great heart . I also enjoy her sex and i don’t understand why i cheat. I actually cheated 4 years ago and had a child on her . I have four children all together. Two by my wife and two with someone else .

 

I think she is done with me and i am very sad about it. I really want to work things out but i don’t know if i should . She hasn’t filed for divorce yet but she admitted that has male friends who she text and maybe go out with . I can honestly say before she told me that i wasn’t interested on fixing our marriage. I really do want her to be happy as crazy as it may sound. Me and her really don’t have a lot in common she’s very intellectually. She has a master degree. I barley graduated high school.

 

I hacked her social media and looked at some of the convos she has with other guys and they are very deep and intellectually. She told me i don’t stimulate her in that way i usually just talk about rap music and sports she is heavy into astrology and spirituality.so i know she is truly happen now . I deal with depressed and anxiety and it’s very bad i often project my Insecurities on her. What ever i hate about myself i think she hates about me and i treat her as if she does . As crazy as it sounds i do love her and i thought i was ready to let go when i moved out but i see now that i am not or maybe I’m just scared to let go.

 

Before we married we had two real break ups like the one now and the same thing i didn’t care until i knew she was talking to other guys and then i sold her dreams to get her back and after awhile i returned to my old self . I think if i get help with my depression and things i can keep her happy . Me and her use to have a lot of fun when we first met in 2012. We were both 23 at the time but as time went by it flamed out.

 

I know this may offend some people and i am sorry I’m such a bad husband i really do want. To be a better person overall . We haven’t tried marriage counseling yet. Should i try or just let her go ? She has every right to want to leave and i understand that but I’m just really confused

Edited February 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DKT3]

Yes, please leave her alone. No MC. You need to go work on yourself, honestly you have nothing to offer her at this point expect more pain. If you care for her and want her to be happy then you have to recognize your not the guy. Work on being a better person, then maybe (but doubtful) there may be a chance she allows you the opportunity to be a better husband.

Edited February 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[James01]

Yes, please leave her alone. No MC. You need to go work on yourself, honestly you have nothing to offer her at this point expect more pain. If you care for her and want her to be happy then you have to recognize your not the guy. Work on being a better person, then maybe (but doubtful) there may be a chance she allows you the opportunity to be a better husband.

 

Thank you for your advice I’m so torn in between the two . I think I’m at least going to tell her how i feel and go from there

[d0nnivain]

It's time to grow up. You have 4 children who rely on you for financial support & emotional stability. Get your act together. Get a job. Learn to be a nice person. Stop cheating & set a good example for your children.

 

If you can do all of those things -- including your own freakin' laundry & making the breadwinner in your home dinner -- instead of whining that she's supposed to submit to you because you happen to have a Y chromosome & external genitalia then you may have a chance at succeeding in your life.

 

At this point, I don't understand why the continuation of your marriage is even up to you. Your wife must be a saint to take you back after all the cheating & your entitled attitude.

[BaileyB]

Yes, you should let her go. You have hurt her enough already...

[James01]

It's time to grow up. You have 4 children who rely on you for financial support & emotional stability. Get your act together. Get a job. Learn to be a nice person. Stop cheating & set a good example for your children.

 

If you can do all of those things -- including your own freakin' laundry & making the breadwinner in your home dinner -- instead of whining that she's supposed to submit to you because you happen to have a Y chromosome & external genitalia then you may have a chance at succeeding in your life.

 

At this point, I don't understand why the continuation of your marriage is even up to you. Your wife must be a saint to take you back after all the cheating & your entitled attitude.

 

 

I really appreciate your reply . My friends tell me this stuff and Idk it’s weird but it means more coming from somebody who don’t actually know me . I’m definitely going to make a major change in my life for my self and my children and. Hopefully she can back one day if not i have to live with that

[Buriall]

What are you confused about? You [] put the person you "love" through hell.

 

You still have a chance to change yourself to become the person you want to be [or] let her go. This is your battle no one elses

Edited February 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact abusive langauage and moderate member

[HumanMachine]

The sooner she moves on from you the better..

[Stercrazy]

You can change whenever you want to. Just stop the self pity and get to work...both figuratively and literally.

[CaliBabe]

Divorce her so she can find happiness and someone who will cherish and treat her right. You can then work on yourself or don't. Stop being selfish and let her be happy.

[clam]

I really want to work things out but i don’t know if i should.

 

You’re not sure if you should?? I’m not sure if you can.

 

Should i try or just let her go ?

 

At this point, I don’t think it’s really up to you.

[d0nnivain]

I wish you well & hope this is the wake up call you need.

[BaileyB]

You’re not sure if you should?? I’m not sure if you can.

 

At this point, I don’t think it’s really up to you.

 

Exactly. She would have to be crazy to go back to this very unhealthy relationship...

[Aiuta le mani]

Hey man! Thanks for being honest here! Since you ask for help, let me jump right in! If you have not tried counseling, you definitively should! You need it for sure so you can start getting better at a personal level! About your wife, you can ask her if she is willing to attend counseling sessions with you and let her decide one more time if she wants to give you another shot! Whatever she decide, respect her wishes and work on your own improvement for now! I know of a tool that you can use to find someone to talk! While you start your own process, start working on yourself and make the decision to stop doing the things that you know are wrong and are hurting yourself and your wife! Whether you do it together or separated, it is time to move forward my friend!

[William]

Moderation merged two threads on a similar topic and I moderated one member for abusive language.

 

Here's a tip:

 

When a new member shows up with a provocative relationship issue, that's a great time to remember our civility and respect guidelines because otherwise moderation presumes everyone that's been here awhile has seen all this stuff and knows our rules and are purposely violating them so we will deal with you appropriately.

 

So, let's focus on the topic and move forward. Thanks!

[healing light]

You need to go to therapy for your own sake--and everyone else's. To learn how to be a present partner and a present dad. I'm not sure if you can actually change to the degree that you need to while in a relationship; many times these things are best dealt with on your own... I feel like there will be a good chance you will revert back to old behaviors unless you have significant guidance both individually and in marriage counseling.

 

If you choose to reconcile with your wife, you need to let her know how remorseful you are for what you've done--and have a plan in place with action steps on how you are going to be a more engaged, responsible partner. These will include getting a job, potentially going back to college or community college for a degree (so you can provide a better life and have a more full life), going to individual and marriage counseling, etc.

 

If you don't think you can do these things, it's best to let her go. But don't give up the quest to become a better person--it will serve everyone in your life, most of all you.

 

Best of luck.

[shellybing]

I really need help please guys

This may be long but i really need advice . I got married March of 2016. but i haven’t been faithful. I’ve been verbally Abusive, emotionally also. I am very irresponsible i recently lost my job and thru out our marriage i put a financially strain on everything. We were recently living with her parents because of me not being responsible. About a month ago i moved out and that really hurt her.

 

The reason i moved because me and her really don’t get along i feel like she doesn’t sumit to me but i give her more than enough reasons not to. I get mad when she don’t wash my clothes or fix me dinner . Honestly i have literally been the most terrible husband a woman could ask for . And my wife is a great woman . She is smart , very beautiful, and has a great heart . I also enjoy her sex and i don’t understand why i cheat. I actually cheated 4 years ago and had a child on her . I have four children all together. Two by my wife and two with someone else .

 

I think she is done with me and i am very sad about it. I really want to work things out but i don’t know if i should . She hasn’t filed for divorce yet but she admitted that has male friends who she text and maybe go out with . I can honestly say before she told me that i wasn’t interested on fixing our marriage. I really do want her to be happy as crazy as it may sound. Me and her really don’t have a lot in common she’s very intellectually. She has a master degree. I barley graduated high school.

 

I hacked her social media and looked at some of the convos she has with other guys and they are very deep and intellectually. She told me i don’t stimulate her in that way i usually just talk about rap music and sports she is heavy into astrology and spirituality.so i know she is truly happen now . I deal with depressed and anxiety and it’s very bad i often project my Insecurities on her. What ever i hate about myself i think she hates about me and i treat her as if she does . As crazy as it sounds i do love her and i thought i was ready to let go when i moved out but i see now that i am not or maybe I’m just scared to let go.

 

Before we married we had two real break ups like the one now and the same thing i didn’t care until i knew she was talking to other guys and then i sold her dreams to get her back and after awhile i returned to my old self . I think if i get help with my depression and things i can keep her happy . Me and her use to have a lot of fun when we first met in 2012. We were both 23 at the time but as time went by it flamed out.

 

I know this may offend some people and i am sorry I’m such a bad husband i really do want. To be a better person overall . We haven’t tried marriage counseling yet. Should i try or just let her go ? She has every right to want to leave and i understand that but I’m just really confused

 

 

 

If you cannot be faithful or responsible for your own marriage, and you have left. Leave her to her own life. She deserves as much.

Let her go. The damage is done.

[rickwman]

Marriage is a 'death till you part' commitment; a 100% - 100% giving relationship; a body/soul/spirit relationship. I hope you speak with a counselor, pastor or minister that can offer you wise and long-term, effective advise. You need to get to the source of this anger, bitterness. Something in your life you can't forgive? Out of a root of bitterness, unforgiveness comes all sorts of perverse behaviors. I want to you to live in peace, free from anger, bitterness and unforgiveness. She sounds like a great woman that you should be proud of.

[maxi105]

ah James!!!!!!

 

 

you ask if you should leave her or let her go? from reading your message im afraid I think she has already GONE!!!! sorry I know its not what you want to hear but there is so much here that is really beyond fixing.

 

 

you are I fear dragging what you already know to be the truth on and on for the sake of I don't really know.

 

 

im afraid I don't really agree with the death do us part thing, im not having a dig at another member here its just from what you have aleady told us, if you keep this going when the love is not true anymore, you may be forced to see the death of the relationship and realise that it will part you BY FORCE!!!).

 

 

I do bleive in marriage or not marriage if foks love each other but don't feel they want ir, but what I don't really go for is endlessly forcing a round peg into a space where there is no longer even a square hole anymore.

 

 

you can try if you want to and there is no harm in counselling or therapy or whatever, being a better father (and that is something your children deserve no matter what you and your wife are doing etc...without devicive tactics pitting one adult against another etc...but if she doesn't want you anynmore sooner or later you are going to have to accept that sadly.

 

 

I do wish you well because seems to be as someone else has already mentioned on here a wake up call going on for you, but that doesn't automatically mean that you will win her heart, it just means more often than not you lose and you have to go into the next relationship (after some time to accept it and move on with your life) to treat others a lot more respectfully and think about what love really is for you and the other person you are with.

 

 

ok, im getting short on time so I will say bye for now. hhmmm... you can try if you want, but I just sone see it working out sorry. even before you married you fell out twice and that should have told you you needed to correct things....I think the real deal breaker for this is the fact that she has been honest enough to tell you that she is interested in other men!!!!

 

 

hacking her accounts is not only pretty low, but it will also leave you feeling EVER LOWER if there are things there that you don't really want to see but have seen.

 

 

how could she trust you if you hack into her private things!?

 

 

I think the best thing you can do is to work on yourself and look to start afresh after a GOOD LONG BREAK UP and or being a lone for some time so you start to heal and value people, life, get some happiness and start maybe bonding and showing a bit more responsibility for your children.

 

 

you talk of dissing your wife, but your kids are gonna feel the pain in all of this too just by being around all of this.

 

 

its not too late to work on yourself and put some repair to what has been damaged, but for you and her and your relationship....I think its probably way too late for anything other than goodbye..take care, and sorry its not what you may have hoped to read. maxi

[William]

Since the thread starter hasn't been here in over a week I'll close this up pending their return, if any. Thanks to those members who provided topical and respectful responses.