Lack of chemistry/spark excuse

[Popsicle]

I was thinking about when people say this as to why they don’t want a second date and I think it means either a) I’m not physically attracted to you or b) you’re boring. What do you think?

[CptInsano]

I was thinking about when people say this as to why they don’t want a second date and I think it means either a) I’m not physically attracted to you or b) you’re boring. What do you think?

 

It generally means that you are too far from what the other person hoped you'd be, but it can be anything, such as political views, smell, or your humor. The list of possibly causes is endless. I really wouldn't dwell on it.

[Jj66]

It means I have decided I don't want to have sex with you.

 

You may be beautiful and funny but for some reason or another our interactions failed to make me want to be with you sexually. Finding a sexual partner is what dating is about in my mind whether it be short term or long term.

[Cookiesandough]

That's exactly what it means. It's "I'm not physically/mentally attracted to you enough" because when someone is EXTREMELY physically or mentally attracted to someone they are nervous so they get the physiological "sparks/butterflies" and they call it 'chemistry'. And yes, it is often one-sided.

Edited February 2, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[newheart]

I don't think of it as an "excuse" though - it is a valid reason. You don't have chemistry with many/most people you meet, and it is important to have. The lack of chemistry can be for a myriad of reasons itself, but it just means that there is no connection for whatever reason.

[carhill]

If one has met and interacted it could be anything, or exactly how they describe. When I used to hear the 'I don't like you *that* way' after meeting or interacting, I knew there was no feelings of sexual attraction for them, took that as a rejection and moved on. I don't think I ever heard the spark/chemistry line because I don't believe it was in common use back then. It was more what I just quoted or "I don't find you attractive" or similar. No mating opportunity. I never had to use those precise lines because my rejections of women I approached and dated came later and had different reasons.

[Gaeta]

Depends what is your definition of chemistry. Some people expect to be hit by lightning when they meet you and they're disappointed if they don't see millions of sparks in the sky, some call it a lack of chemistry.

 

Other daters put more emphasis on common interest and common goal, they're ready to wait a bit to see if chemistry will develop over a couple of dates.

 

If someone told me he didn't feel chemistry I would take it as we're just different daters and we expect different things from a 1st meeting.

[she'stheone]

Hi Popsicle,

 

It really depends on who we're talking about...

 

...a man or a woman (It matters A LOT!)

 

I was thinking about when people say this as to why they don’t want a second date

 

When a man says it, it means he does NOT want to have sex with you and if he does not want to have sex with you, then why have a second date. I would say this is the case 94.7% of the time.

 

Here's why. (This is an excerpt from one of my blog posts)

 

...men and women are just wired differently.

 

We act differently in a relationship and neither men nor women, seem to understand the number one difference at this stage.

 

When a woman meets a man and feels a spark, chemistry, connection, for her…

 

…it’s usually an emotional experience and she begins to become attracted to him.

 

For men, it’s a bit different.

 

With us, the spark, chemistry, connection is almost completely physical.

 

When a man feels a strong physical chemistry with a woman, he will do almost anything to be with her, make her happy and impress her.

 

Unfortunately, most women confuse this for affection or love. It is NOT…

 

…as men, we can feel strong passionate desire to be with a woman, without ANY consideration of who she is as a person. Because again…

 

…for men, it’s PHYSICAL chemistry first. When we feel it, we will show you our attention, interest and attraction.

 

Please understand, most men are NOT trying to trick you.

 

Yes, there are some “players” out there but, most men ARE interested in a long term relationship…

 

…with the right woman.

 

When a man shows you his attention, interest and attraction, he is truly interested in you…

 

…it’s just too soon for most men*to have developed deep emotional feelings or at least similar feelings to the ones you have...

 

I will let the women answer what it means for them.

 

Sending you much love and light

[Cookiesandough]

It’s not so much as a trick or an excuse, but a nicer way of putting it

[drakon12]

Sometimes you never know what's up. I met a girl through SM -actually she texted me first-, we flirted for 2 weeks, then we went for our first date. I don't know what was up but she kinda ghosted me after it, then I moved on. Never knew what was that about, how I repelled her or was it something else. So is life, sometimes we never know what is going on.

[Ruby Slippers]

For most people, "lack of chemistry" is due at least 90% to lack of physical attraction, up to 10% other factors.

 

I've declined to go on a second date with a few super hot guys who had zero substance and were clearly just looking for a hookup, but it seems I'm in the minority here. Most women just sleep with the hot guy and hope they can get him to make a commitment.

 

As for men, 99% of them are going to try to keep seeing her if they're physically attracted, whatever else she does or does not bring to the table.

[Maggie4]

Depends on how you met.

 

Met online, the first date is the first time you've seen each other. No second date usually means no physical attraction.

 

Met offline, you've seen each other already and there was enough physical attraction to make that first date. No second date means the personalities did not fit.

[newyorker11356]

For most people, "lack of chemistry" is due at least 90% to lack of physical attraction, up to 10% other factors.

 

I've declined to go on a second date with a few super hot guys who had zero substance and were clearly just looking for a hookup, but it seems I'm in the minority here. Most women just sleep with the hot guy and hope they can get him to make a commitment.

 

As for men, 99% of them are going to try to keep seeing her if they're physically attracted, whatever else she does or does not bring to the table.

 

I guess I fall in that 1%.

[smackie9]

Chemistry is attraction on all levels emotionally and physically. Pretty simple. IMO it's biological, instinct. I did not go on a second date because the guy just looked good on paper. I wasn't going to waste my time "warming up to them" (which I have tried a couple of times and it didn't work) and I didn't want to waste any of their time (which again I did from trying to warm up to them). There is no point in it....it's either there or not.

 

If I was ever single again I would never even say "yes" to a date unless I was really attracted to them. done with that "give them a chance and see".

[drakon12]

For most people, "lack of chemistry" is due at least 90% to lack of physical attraction, up to 10% other factors.

 

I've declined to go on a second date with a few super hot guys who had zero substance and were clearly just looking for a hookup, but it seems I'm in the minority here. Most women just sleep with the hot guy and hope they can get him to make a commitment.

 

As for men, 99% of them are going to try to keep seeing her if they're physically attracted, whatever else she does or does not bring to the table.

Actually I know a girl like you. She's one of my best friends and she's really sick of hot guys. She finds most of them boring/uncultured/emotionally unavaible and she ditches them. Why? As you said, being hot solves all of those men's problems and most of the women are more than willing to sleep with them on the first date so they can hope putting a leash on them. They don't have to read, they don't have to learn how to talk to people, they don't have to learn how to establish a connection with women. Some women find it repulsing and they go for average guys who have substance.

[Highndry]

It's a lack of attraction period, physically and intellectually. It's just not a match for that person.

[Jj66]

For most people, "lack of chemistry" is due at least 90% to lack of physical attraction, up to 10% other factors.

 

I've declined to go on a second date with a few super hot guys who had zero substance and were clearly just looking for a hookup, but it seems I'm in the minority here. Most women just sleep with the hot guy and hope they can get him to make a commitment.

 

As for men, 99% of them are going to try to keep seeing her if they're physically attracted, whatever else she does or does not bring to the table.

 

Maybe most men but 99% is a huge exaggeration. Women without substance completely turn me off. Whatever attraction I may have had evaporates when I discover there is nothing there.

[preraph]

I just think it means there isn't a connection personality-wise. Yes, of course, if someone is posting unrealistic photos of themself, it could be that too.

[winny]

For me lack of chemistry is when some guy cannot make me laugh and is boring.... and so many good looking guys have no idea how to speak and make a decent conversation with a woman. When someone makes me laugh with their witty comebacks.... super attractive to me.

[Highndry]

For me lack of chemistry is when some guy cannot make me laugh and is boring.... and so many good looking guys have no idea how to speak and make a decent conversation with a woman. When someone makes me laugh with their witty comebacks.... super attractive to me.

 

The thing is, not everybody has the same sense of humor. What's funny to you may not be funny to other women. Also, other women may value that less than you. Some people just click, others don't.

[Jj66]

For me lack of chemistry is when some guy cannot make me laugh and is boring.... and so many good looking guys have no idea how to speak and make a decent conversation with a woman. When someone makes me laugh with their witty comebacks.... super attractive to me.

 

That moment she almost spits out her drink with laughter... priceless.

[GemmaUK]

It is what it is, lack of chemistry or spark. It's not an excuse at all.

 

We don't gel well, we don't talk fluidly, no laughter, no flirting, no micro-expressions or body language to say 'yes please'.

Or, there is a bigger picture issue where I know me and he will not work relationship-wise. I would usually state that issue precisely unless it's a thing he could change where I am not interested enough to want that change in him.

[alphamale]

I was thinking about when people say this as to why they don’t want a second date and I think it means either a) I’m not physically attracted to you or b) you’re boring. What do you think?

 

actually it could mean anything Popsicle

[healing light]

I think lack of chemistry/spark generally tends to mean they're not attracted to you sexually.

 

But, yes, there are deeper nuances like the above poster mentioned in flow of conversation, personality, etc. that can be factored in. However, in the beginning, I think most times that reason is used is because the person isn't physically attracted to you--you don't really get to know someone's full personality until over time, but you can generally tell right away whether you'd be turned off by kissing them, etc.

 

If the chemistry isn't there, that's not arguable/changeable/negotiable. It just isn't there.

[preraph]

I had this guy flying into town to see me. He was great on paper. But a terrible conversationalist. After a few weekends, we just hit the wall. He also wasn't wanting casual sex, so what was left? His iguana. He would sneak it on the plane and that was the only good laugh and conversation we'd mainly have plus talking about a mutual friend. He married the next girl he dated.