Lack of chemistry/spark excuse

[SevenCity]

Thing is though, relationships CAN be great from the start. It can be easy. Sure, not all relationships, but it can and does happen. When you've experienced having it great from the outset, it's hard to go back and settle for a ho hum start.

And having a physical connection doesn't mean that a couple can't do more together from the outset.

 

I'd like to raise your "hard" to "impossible".

 

The very few relationships I've had where it started "great" were the ones where I deeply fell in love with the woman. Anything less did not develop into anything substantial.

 

The problem is once you've experienced it you cannot go back.

 

The looks were only a part. I've had far better looking women where I didn't feel that intense chemistry and the RLs were not as strong and lasted far less.

 

I equate "chemistry" to what you feel when you meet a best friend. It's like you never run out of anything to talk about and just "get" each other.

 

People with whom you feel this way don't come along often. I've heard averages of 2-3 years.

[Popsicle]

I'd like to raise your "hard" to "impossible".

 

The very few relationships I've had where it started "great" were the ones where I deeply fell in love with the woman. Anything less did not develop into anything substantial.

 

The problem is once you've experienced it you cannot go back.

 

The looks were only a part. I've had far better looking women where I didn't feel that intense chemistry and the RLs were not as strong and lasted far less.

 

I equate "chemistry" to what you feel when you meet a best friend. It's like you never run out of anything to talk about and just "get" each other.

 

People with whom you feel this way don't come along often. I've heard averages of 2-3 years.

 

I think differently.

 

I had the great thing going on in my past, but I chalk this up to sheer luck. It wasn't anything special that I did to get it, nor am I special. I just had good luck. Good fortune happened to be my side. There is no rhyme or reason to this.

 

I also feel that my time to be lucky is over. I had some really great things happen to me in my past. It's virtually impossible that I will be that lucky that it's going to happen again. So I just feel grateful that I had that experience and cherish the memories. Some people never have good luck in their lives and that is sad.

[Chilli]

yaeh l hear what sc and bas are sayin got exactly the same problem myself now.

Wasn't sayin the whole building up thing was the way to go just that l've seen it.

l do wonder more though just lately because l've had the best and that effd up yet l know some of the build up types and they're still goin.

 

Same pop l worry about all the same stuff now too.

Like no one new now could top what l've had ,so l worry about all the same now, like l've had my run .

l'd have to be be the luckiest guy on the planet to match it or top it again, pretty low odds, damn.

But eh , we can't let ourselves think like that as who knows what's round the corner as they say but not only , maybe we bring on negative thinking that way, l'm trying to stay positive .

 

Besides , my cards keep telling me there is somebody , thought l'd found her but l think that ones a false alarm , but the cards are still coming so at least that picks up the spirits a bit haha.

[spiderowl]

I think it means they don't feel that spark/connection in some way. It could be a multitude of reasons - lack of physical attraction, not feeling you have interests in common, feeling you are of a different class to them, not feeling comfortable, worried you might have expensive tastes, not liking body language or mannerisms - all sorts of things.

 

I would not take offence. It could be that a guy thought you were too intelligent for them or that you would expect them to behave respectfully. Some guys would just find that too difficult.

[Popsicle]

Yeah I'm not a build up type person either. I mean, I guess there's a possibility that could happen if I ever made a male BFF. Just a possibility, but I seem to not be able to have or make male friends anyway.

[hotpotato]

I was thinking about when people say this as to why they don’t want a second date and I think it means either a) I’m not physically attracted to you or b) you’re boring. What do you think?

 

It means I have decided I don't want to have sex with you.

 

You may be beautiful and funny but for some reason or another our interactions failed to make me want to be with you sexually. Finding a sexual partner is what dating is about in my mind whether it be short term or long term.

I wish I had that problem. i've had plenty of guys try to for first date sex only to never hear from them again.

 

Most men i'm willing to go on several dates with. I don't expect instant chemistry. I can't rely on the physical because I don't find most men physically attractive. However, most men will force my hand by asking for sex on the first date.

[SevenCity]

I think differently.

 

I had the great thing going on in my past, but I chalk this up to sheer luck. It wasn't anything special that I did to get it, nor am I special. I just had good luck. Good fortune happened to be my side. There is no rhyme or reason to this.

 

I also feel that my time to be lucky is over. I had some really great things happen to me in my past. It's virtually impossible that I will be that lucky that it's going to happen again. So I just feel grateful that I had that experience and cherish the memories. Some people never have good luck in their lives and that is sad.

 

Call it luck, or call it when the universe thinks you are ready. I've had no active part in discovering these types of connections. I don't think I'm special and don't know how to make it happen. If I did, life would be better.

 

However, I don't enjoy having lost it. I would much rather never have experienced it as I wouldn't know what I'm missing.

 

I actually envy people who have never had it. 3 times in my life I've had it. Think my luck is about out as well.

[Popsicle]

I wish I had that problem. i've had plenty of guys try to for first date sex only to never hear from them again.

 

At least you DIDN'T sleep with them when they ghosted you. I just had to console a friend today who was so excited about a guy she had been on 3 dates with and texted everyday for 2 weeks. She thought he was legit, he talked that way. Then she slept with him thursday night and had pillow talk afterwards. On Friday, he ghosted her and blocked her today. She is completely clueless as to what she did and what went wrong.

 

Call it luck, or call it when the universe thinks you are ready. I've had no active part in discovering these types of connections. I don't think I'm special and don't know how to make it happen. If I did, life would be better.

 

However, I don't enjoy having lost it. I would much rather never have experienced it as I wouldn't know what I'm missing.

 

I actually envy people who have never had it. 3 times in my life I've had it. Think my luck is about out as well.

Yeah, I understand.

 

I'm not sure if it's worse to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all. I think how much it hurts depends on how a person chooses to see it and experience it.

[5x5]

Birkenstocks (feminists required foot wear), Dr Scholl's flip flops,

earth shoes?

 

Rejecting someone for their choice of footwear, seems perfectly reasonable to me.

 

That said my wife used to be a Feminist activist/organiser through the early and mid 1990s (I've been with her since 1996). Yet I've never seen her wear Birkenstocks or any footwear that looks like them.

 

Her footwear as a feminist variously tended to be classic black or cherry red Dr Martens lace up boots, high black leather f me boots, kitten heels and high heels.

 

Through her twenties I particularly liked the fact that she often wore f me boots or Docs, in combination with a short hemline dress or skirt.

[5x5]

I was thinking about when people say this as to why they don’t want a second date and I think it means either a) I’m not physically attracted to you or b) you’re boring. What do you think?

 

I've said "I'm not feeling it", when I wasn't feeling the sparks. That said I've told a small number of women (maybe 3) the same when I was bored by them or found them vacuous or socially inept. Since I think it's nicer than saying you're boring or I think your personality sux.

 

Having never dated anyone sight unseen in person before the date, saying I'm not (physically) attracted to you" hasn't been a thing with the women I have dated.

 

Although I did sometimes say I'm not attracted to you, whenever I was asked on a date by a woman I knew that I didn't find aesthetically appealing.

 

Or I would sometimes say "I am with someone" if I didn't know them and was not likely to see them or get to know them. In the end though I found it easier to be direct and simply say I'm not attracted to you", since on a few occasions some women said things like "so what" or "you're not with her right now, how about it?".

 

As to that spark/chemistry thing, I think it goes a long way and usually matters.

 

One thing though I am conscious of the one time I had sex with a woman at the end of a 2nd date (with both dates being on the same day when we seemed to have standout lustful chemistry. Until we had sex at her initiation and asking which turned out to be inept, boring very limited and at her insistence was done with the lights out (I could see her with ambient light yet ).

 

So chemistry unfortunately led me up the wrong garden path with her. While I think I said something along the lines of the meaningless "I don't think it's going to work" when I told her I didn't want to see her again.

 

In the end though if someone isn't into you, I don't see much point in overthinking the why of it to no end.

 

If someone doesn't want to be with me for whatever reason, I will always be far better off not being with them.

[snowboy91]

I don't really see much difference between saying "I don't feel the spark" and "I don't feel that were compatible"

 

I don't see how the later is any more honest, brave or mature.

 

I think there can be a difference, but often in practice the difference is missed. "I don't feel the spark" means there is definitely no physical attraction, even if you may think that person is good looking (but that's another point).

 

"I don't feel we're compatible" can mean the same thing, but compatibility reaches beyond physical attraction. For example, you may think someone is super attractive, but your values don't align in any way and you see yourself constantly fighting with them if you were to get into a relationship with them.