Not the second, or third, or fourth...but maybe the last chance

[NewLee40]

I am in love with a man I met a year ago through online personal ads. I'll call him Max.

 

At the time I met him, he was clearly not ready for a relationship, but he was trying to get back into the dating world after a really devastating divorce. In a nutshell, his wife left him for a mutual friend. She got pregnant before the divorce was even final, and the man moved into his house and basically took over his life. To make matters worse, they work together, so the better part of the last year he's had to be reminded daily of his loss. Yes, I know he needs to quit his job, but unfortunately, that's easier said than done for reasons I won't get into right now.

 

As for me, I had an equally bad end to my marriage, and I was fresh on the dating scene after a 10 year hiatus. Shedding the baggage took a very long time, and I had many obstacles to overcome before I was ready. Baggage free, or so I thought, I plunged in head first. I dated lots of guys from the personals. Some nice, some scary, some that seemed to have potential but never seemed to get off the ground.

 

However, all this dating was rather exhausting and I did find it emotionally draining. I decided to take a break from it, but I had one last fellow to meet. It was Max.

 

In the beginning, there was a strong connection between us, but given my experience, I really wasn't that hopeful. I did write in my journal that there was something "different" about him. There was a deep connection between us, no doubt. We were totally comfortable with eachother, talked for hours, and he was "acting right" as compared to the other guys I'd been dating. You know, the ones who say they'll call and don't, or just simply disappear.

 

I was getting a little jaded, I must say. So, I didn't have high expectations. But, wow! It was instant, it was there. I felt like I'd known him all my life. But, as soon as I crossed over to "love" he freaked and bolted. It was emotional. He cried, I cried.

 

In the ensuing months, we dated off and on. He'd come back into my life saying he wanted to be friends. At the time, I wasn't so attached to him that I couldn't manage friendship with him. But, he pushed the boundaries of friendship and we'd end up back in eachother's arms. And, inevitably, he'd back away. The reasons for breaking up ranged from his not being ready, to having met someone else.

 

Thinking all my baggage was gone, imagine my surprise, when this nearly sent me over the edge. It drove me to therapy. Friends and family were worried about me.

 

I tried to move on. Dated other guys. We almost managed the friendship thing once when I was dating someone else who was very serious about me. He was encouraging me to go for it, but then stepped out of the picture voluntarily so as to not interfere with my chances for success.

 

Well, I just wasn't in love with the other guy, even though I tried. I eventually broke it off with him, but I didn't see the point in contacting Max to tell him that. Better to just let that go and move forward. I was having some health problems and was needing surgery. Although it was tempting to call him, I didn't. This was time for me.

 

While I was home recovering, it seemed like some planetary alignment must have conspired the guys I'd dated over the summer to resurface. It was almost comical. I was polite, I indicated I was amenable to possibly going out with some of them again. These guys never hurt me, we just dated and somehow it never took off. In the end, they were probably just lonely and looking for dates to the office Christmas party or something, and thumbing through their black books. Who knows. Each of them called only once and never called back.

 

Max resurfaced, too, apologizing and wanting resume our friendship. We tried, and failed at that again. He was finally honest enough with me to say that he didn't want a relationship, but he did want the whole FWB thing. I thanked him for his honesty, but told him I was not interested in that.

 

I started seeing another guy who seemed to be rather serious about me. It had not been that long, and having learned my lesson about falling too quick, I was cautiously optimistic. After the first of the year, Max contacted me again "to apologize" for hurting me. He told me, again, he was sorry. Told me he'd been working on getting some "closure" with his divorce and was working out, feeling better about himself, etc.... I said, great, no hard feelings, I'm glad you are happy and I wish the best for you. I truly did. But, I also told him that resuming a friendship at this point would probably be unfair to my current date and asked him not to contact me. He respected that for a little while, but a little while later, he floated another test balloon.

 

This time, it was different. Instead of "let's be friends," he was wanting to try for a real relationship. He couldn't stop thinking about me, he missed me, yada yada. In hindsight, I know he was in a lonely and vulnerable place because of some things that had happened, and he was coming back to me for the unconditional love and support I provided him.

 

Since my new guy had turned out to be yet another "dud" and I was feeling quite vulnerable myself, I let him in.

 

Well, that was a mistake, I suppose. It was great in the beginning, but as time went on I could see him "checking out" again. He was shutting me out, putting distance between us. Providentially, I suppose, I caught him having dinner with another woman. I walked away, swearing that I would never give him the chance to hurt me again. I had all the info I needed right?

 

Realizing that this time, he had lost me, he literally chased me down. He said he realized at the moment he saw me in the restaurant and knew he'd lost me, that he was convicted of how much he loved me. He'd never told me he loved me before, and he was committed to me 100%.

 

Looking back, I feel incredibly stupid for buying it, but I have a feeling many of you have done similarly stupid things - so at least I'm not alone. However, I must say that for a good long while, things were very good. He was there for me through another surgery, supported me through some tough spots. Introduced me to his family and friends and publically owned our relationship in a way he had not done before. We talked about moving in together.

 

However, I sensed that he was starting to check out again. The signs were more subtle this time, but I did sense it. I caught him in a couple of lies. They didn't involve other women, but they were pointless lies and brought back doubts about our relationship. In the end, I "checked up" on him and caught him in the lie. Its embarrassing to say, as I know I must have come across like a stalker. I can't blame him for creeping out over it, but given our history, it was at least a little understandable. But, I knew there was a lie, and I had to find out. I did...and we broke up over it.

 

That was a little over a month ago. After going through this for a year, I feel very drained. I decided that I had to get over him once and for all. I took additional steps to ensure NC. I changed my numbers. I was transitioning to a new job and I didn't tell him where. I asked him to leave me alone and I broke off contact with the one friend of his that I had developed a relationship with on my own. I put everything he ever gave me in a box and put it away out of sight. I told my friends and family what had happened, to ensure he would never be welcome back to the fold.

 

And he contacted me a week ago. I was feeling weak and vulnerable, but I shut him down quickly. I have been a total mess, and did NOT want him to see that. That was until yesterday. I got some bad news from the doctor and I could not resist the urge to call him. I did. He wants to resume our relationship. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me.

 

I know nothing substantial has changed. I know it sounds insipid to say that I love him and believe that our connection is real. My friend says we are connected because we are like two plates broken in the same places, so that's why we "fit." She's right. She's the only one I've been able to tell that I talked to him, because I'll get an ass kicking or worse from my friends who have been supporting me through all this grieving. I know they've had enough of it.

 

So, I don't know what I"m looking for here. I don't need people to tell me what I already know. I don't need people to validate that I'm doing the right or wrong thing by giving him another chance. I guess I just wanted to say it to someone, somewhere.

 

At this point, all I've told him is that I will agree to meet with him and talk. I told him that I will not go to his apartment, because I'm not ready to resume a sexual relationship and the temptation would be too great. That's where I'm at.

 

We are going bowling tomorrow. He asked me to join the league he's in, so that's where we start.

[vix]

All i can say is that i hope it works out for you. Friends & family can be tough, especially when they see the hurt that you've been/are going through. However, only you feels your feelings & no-one can change that.

[country gal]

wow, first of all, i have to tell you that i think you are very good story teller

 

on a more negative note, you said that you dont need people to tell you what you already know .... but.... i dont know if anyone's ever told you that sometimes chemistry is toxic. its very possible to have an incredible connection for someone that couldnt be more wrong for us, as it sounds like this guy is.

 

he also doesnt sound like he's changed and given the amount of time that has separated you two, i sincerely doubt that he has. i suspect that even if he did seem to change you would always have trust issues with this man. for that reason and for all the hurt and every other piece of unhealthy garbage between you, i think you should shut him out of your life and find someone else to lean on in troubled times. he's seems like dead weight for you in many respects ....

 

good luck NewLee!

[NewLee40]

Yes, country gal, I've heard that one as well. I guess that's what I was saying when I said I don't need anyone to tell me what I already know. They've told me and told me and told me. And intellectually, I do understand what they are saying. I even recognize that they are probably right.

 

I suppose I'm feeling fairly realistic about how this will end, but I'm willing to give it one last shot anyway. My support system has run out and I know if this ends badly, I'm totally on my own. I don't want to face that without support. And, quite frankly, my friends are well intentioned, but I'm sort of sick and tired of hearing platitudes from people who have never been in this situation before.

 

I know I deserve better, and I have plenty of self esteem. I'm not afraid to be alone. I love the man. I do. God help me, I do.

 

So, I'm going to spend some time reading all your stories and hopefully gain some insight that will help me resolve this situation once and for all - one way or another.

[NewLee40]

Finally, I believe I have the long awaited clarity about the situation.

 

Last night, we ended up having a marathon phone session. I asked him some hard questions about what he wanted from me and what he saw with our relationship at this point. We ended up going around a bit in circles, but the overall gist was that he wanted to be with me, he wanted me to trust him, and he wanted time to work on his issues surrounding the divorce.

 

Of course, there were holes in his logic the size of the grand canyon, and I'm past the point of being sympathetic to bull**** so I called him on a lot of that - a new thing for me actually.

 

So, after we discussed the thing to death, we said I love you and hung up, with our plans for tonight firmed up.

 

As I was taking my morning walk, today, though...I was feeling a bit more empowered about the situation, a bit more realistic, and kind of feeling like....do I really want to go through this all again? Is he really worth it?

 

So, I felt strong, empowered, ready to face our date tonight without feeling vulnerable. I strongly suspected he still wasn't ready, wasn't sure what he wanted from me, and was basically trying to keep me on the line until he figured it all out.

 

This morning, I was having breakfast and he called. After a little beating around the bush, he told me our conversation last night "drained him" and maybe it wasn't a good idea for us to try to get together

 

Ok, I said. That's fine with me. He went on to say that he wanted to be my friend and didn't understand why I couldn't be his friend. Of course, I can't be his friend for various reasons, which probably do not need to be explained to any of you - because you know why.

 

 

But, this time....I just said. Ok, you are right. This isn't a good idea. You aren't ready. Go do what you need to do...and I'll do the same. Just respect my need for space away from you while I heal. He said, "well, I'll lose you forever..." Uh huh...just as I thought.

 

So, I said, look, let's not end this mad...let's just end it.

 

I feel free.