Heartbroken

[Loungygirl]

Hi everyone! I've been ruminating about my break up all week. I'm making myself crazy Please help! Please excuse the long post - as I'm trying to give you all the information. I meant my guy 18 months ago at a conference for a company in which we both volunteer, we both have hearing loss. He is also extremely active on this said group on Facebook - me not so much. We also have a lot of mutual friends that we have met and they're from different parts of the country. And he knows quite a few people from my home state.

 

We been dating long-distance for about 11 months, he lives 2000 miles away. We text and talk on the phone every day. He has come to visit me three times. I have never gone to visit him mainly because he lives with his parents and his mother is very controlling. She has a big list of rules that I would have to follow if I came to her house - including that she would cook all our meals and we would eat as a "family". He has gained about 100 pounds in the last year or two because his mother feeds him crap. She is the cook though and in charge. We have talked about this in the past and he knows he needs to get out of there but I don't think he knows how. In the beginning of our relationship he shared many stories about his mother and how his home is a prison. She runs the ship and is in charge. He also stated himself that if I ever came to visit, maybe we would get a hotel. We are both 46 and I realize that I stated he lives with his parents, he has lived there for over a decade... He has had some medical issues, and also had two surgeries in the last year. It is also an expensive place to live and he claims he can't do it in his own. He also has a teenage son that he has primary custody of and can't leave his state for 2 1/2 years. He has stated that he will move here at that time. Last summer he told me that he loved me and started talking marriage. He has asked me multiple times to move to his state and we would find a place to live. I will admit that we have a lot in common, more so than any person I've ever met. There've been several times that we've talked about how we thought we were soulmates etc.

 

He came to visit me last week and was supposed to stay for nine days, through today. He left my house on Monday and was only with me for just shy of 5 days. When he arrived (late in the evening) he was very tired and irritable and he was like that for the first few days. I just let it go. He also wanted to sleep like 12-14 hours and took a nap one day. In the past I've been apprehensive about his visits but this time around I was SO excited. I felt like he was the opposite and he seemed depressed. I also had shoulder surgery a month ago and he was supposedly coming to help me. He did post on Facebook that he was in transit and a couple of other posts, so I don't think there's another woman or anything.

 

On Friday night we got into a "fight" because he wanted to go to bed at 6:30 and I was hurt. He also said that sleeping on the floor wasn't comfortable (even though prior to coming he said he didn't care where he slept and he just wanted to be in my room with me) because I don't have a lot of room in my bed with all the pillows, due to my surgery. So I ended up giving him my bed and I took the couch. The next morning he was mad at me and didn't want to get up. It was also my birthday and we had a full day planned and needed to get going. We argued that morning and my roommate heard us. She is older and I guess you could say anti-men. She got upset and said she didn't like him yelling in her home. She said that she was scared because she didn't know if he was going to hurt me and barely knows him. He heard all this and later that morning he started crying (bawling) and said that he was never going to be allowed in her home again and she doesn't like him. I told him to let it blow over and that I'm sure she would be fine. People argue. He was emotionally all the over the place that morning. We continued on with our day and actually had a really really great time. We stayed in a hotel and did some really fun things the next day. He said I love you and all of that and said he wanted to be with me. Later in the day we were at a bar and he started talking about the future and our next visit. Needless to say he got upset and said he was sick of talking about his "mother" and that I was being disrespectful towards her rules. And that he wanted me to meet her and that I would just come this one time and do what SHE wanted and then the next visit we could do whatever WE wanted. I'm sorry but I'm not coming second to someone's mother. His argument is that he lives there and he has to do what she says.

 

He left the bar and texted me to say he wanted to go home. I waited an hour and finally went to the car and he was still in that mode. He also shared that he called home and told him that we were fighting. We spent three hours talking in the car and he cried two more times and I cried several times. He was emotionally all over the place saying that he felt like he was never going to see me again anyways and that he wanted to be with me, but he couldn't. He mainly couldn't fight about his mom anymore

 

My roommate was leaving on a month vacation in 3 days so I told him we couldn't go back to the house and make any more scenes and that he wasn't leaving because she would get all upset. He said that he wouldn't leave that night but think about it and let me know his decision in the morning. He went to bed at 6:30 again. The next day he got dressed and without acknowledging anything else, started our day. The sad thing is that for the first time in our relationship, I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him. We had lunch and out of nowhere shared a really sad story about his childhood. He said he was bullied as a kid and was 100 pounds overweight. He said his mother didn't know how to feed him properly. I said nothing. I never knew this about him though and was really sad for him. We then went grocery shopping for the rest of the week. When we returned to my house I tried to kiss him and he said no, we're just friends. I got upset, not angry, but on the verge of tears. He said he could stay the rest of the week but we could only be friends now. I asked why and said I wanted to talk about things. He said there was nothing to talk about and he was sick of talking about his mother. I said I was sick of talking about his mother too and that we were too old to be even fighting about stuff like that. I said that we planned this for several months and that I just wanted to spend time with him and I wanted to know what was really wrong. He shut down and didn't want to talk.

 

He got really mad, stood up and said he was leaving. He started packing his suitcases and was talking a mile a minute. I on the other hand was crying and begging him to stay because I didn't want things to end that way. Nothing really happened and we did have a great time when we were just hanging out. And not thinking about the future, in hindsight. I ended up taking his phone and told him I was going upstairs to lay down and that he needed to just take a few deep breaths and think about if this is what he really wanted. He said that he would go call the police if I took his phone. He is so not like that so I was completely shocked by that statement and just said whatever. 20 minutes later I went to look for him and Couldnt find him. Guess where he was? Sure enough he had walked next door to use the phone and the police came. I could not believe it. (And when he threatened to do this I told him not to dare do that because my roommate would never allow him back. I also stated that I would never do that to his parents or family). Of course the police weren't really sure why they were there. They asked me five times if he hurt me, I said no. They asked if we could talk like adults and he said no. They also knowledged that they may have done exactly what I did (with the phone). I feel like he was trying to sabotage our relationship and I feel like he did something on impulse. I don't know why.

 

He left and I haven't "talked" to him since. He did send me a text to say he made it home safely but I didn't reply. He hasnt defriended me on Facebook or changed his status. He's been on there though because I've seen him, although I'm invisible. I can't help but look. I'm both worried about him and still care for him. Just a few days ago I'm thinking of the future with this man. It's really hard to just turn off your feelings I have never seen him act like this so it's just so out of character. I am absolutely devastated. Everyone Ive talked to says that I can't be with him again but I can't help but want to... How can you talk for hours and share so much of yourself, have what you thought was a stable foundation and suddenly it's over? I had no intention of ending things myself and if he did, why come at all and spend so much money, even the day of. He has a son to spend that money on

 

Sigh. Heartbroken In MN.

Edited February 3, 2018 by Loungygirl

[unit1]

Somehow triggered his old wounds, he never got healed and maybe nobody ever entered that depth.....

[justwhoiam]

Hi heartbroken Loungygirl in MN,

 

Welcome to LS.

 

Had I been you, I wouldn't have refused to meet his mom, after all she's his family. I would have simply said times were not mature yet, and that I would have agreed to meeting her after being sure about being a steady couple.

 

He would have probably understood and taken some more time. It was not really fair that he was the only one travelling. That put all the stress on him. And also the expenses. Even considering he has a son (minor) to take care of. While you have no family ties where you live.

 

You had it all your way. And the relationship came to an end. Also, you nagged a bit too much about his mother, whom you don't even know, just based on things he told you.

 

On the other hand, he's emotionally unstable. Calling the police was a drastic move. But he felt you were too controlling. This man needs a partner, not a boss. He seems to already have a very strong mother he needs to keep in check, somehow.

 

Please take responsibility for your own mistakes. It takes two, even not to make a relationship work.

[healing light]

This man is not available for a serious relationship. He sounds emotionally unstable--lives with his mother at 46, eats exactly what she orders him to even though he has medical issues and is overweight as a result, can't or won't move out for at least another 2.5 years, cries at your roommate overhearing arguments, runs hot and cold, and finally calls the police when he breaks up with you for no reason?

 

There is no future with this man at this time. He sounds like he needs years in therapy before he can be a full partner to someone.

[Loungygirl]

Hi heartbroken Loungygirl in MN,

 

Welcome to LS.

 

Had I been you, I wouldn't have refused to meet his mom, after all she's his family. I would have simply said times were not mature yet, and that I would have agreed to meeting her after being sure about being a steady couple.

 

He would have probably understood and taken some more time. It was not really fair that he was the only one travelling. That put all the stress on him. And also the expenses. Even considering he has a son (minor) to take care of. While you have no family ties where you live.

 

You had it all your way. And the relationship came to an end. Also, you nagged a bit too much about his mother, whom you don't even know, just based on things he told you.

 

On the other hand, he's emotionally unstable. Calling the police was a drastic move. But he felt you were too controlling. This man needs a partner, not a boss. He seems to already have a very strong mother he needs to keep in check, somehow.

 

Please take responsibility for your own mistakes. It takes two, even not to make a relationship work.

 

Thanks for the replies! On his first 2 visits we split his airline ticket and I paid for almost everything. He worked a contract job in December so he had some money. He doesn't have a FT/steady job either. I had to have surgery early January and would not be able to travel until middle March. He wanted to come here (as opposed to going there) so that we could share a bed and not have to worry about anyone else. No rules here. His mom already stated that we couldn't sleep in the same room and that his door would remain open. It just sounded to me like a recipe for disaster and I was trying to avoid it. And up until a month ago his mother said she didn't want me to stay there because I was a stranger in her home. She stated that if I came, I would need to get a hotel. At some point she changed her mind and then was pushing hard for me to come over the Christmas holiday. I never said I didn't want to meet her or spend time with her, I just didn't want to spend all my time with her. (I was far more interested in meeting his son and spending time with him.). And it scared me that his mother had that much pull with him because I wondered how it would be if I actually moved out there. I've dated a mama's boy before and it's not fun. I'm still struggling because I really cared for him. I would've made the jump and moved to his state, which I think is a huge sacrifice on my part. I just felt like something was off with him as he was so overly emotional this time.

 

I just don't think that me saying the wrong thing should have set him off to the point of breaking up with me and leaving. 24 hours prior he was on a totally different page.

Edited February 3, 2018 by Loungygirl