Have you asked a friend out? How?

[rakula]

Hey there.. I want to tell my current best friend that I like her alot and have feelings for her. Have any of you gone from friends to lovers? And how did you ask out the friend? How did you make that transition? Just a random kiss on the lips? or did you talk about it? I want to hear your story and what you would have done different. The pros and cons of your approach etc. Thanks.

[elijahBailey]

It's usually easier for the guy to cross over from friend to lover. But, for the women, once you're firmly in her friends category, it's easier to get a cat to bark than for you to be her lover. You did say she's your best friend. So, unless you wanna screw up the friendship, I'd recommend you not do it. Crushes happen all the time between friends, so you should probably let things lie the way they are now.

 

If you wanna try your luck, you'd better have a backup plan to slide out of the potentially disastrous situation elegantly and not make a fool out of yourself. Sorry I'm making it so blunt cos the odds are really against you in situations like these.

[rakula]

Thanks for your response. How would one slide out of a situation like that?

 

You also mentioned that crushes happen all the time. I really wonder when this will finally fade away. Cause I really hate the feeling. I've been having this crush since like November 2004. I never really went for it in the past cause she always was with someone.

 

I've taken her out on valentine's day and went on a trip with just her. And we meet up about 2 to 3 times a week when we aren't working.

 

I dunno if I feel more threatened now because she recently found a guy on the net she might meet up.

 

In that case I know for sure right now wouldn't even be the right time to tell her. When she talks to me about the whole situation the friend side of me is kinda happy for her in finding someone, the crush part of me is torn.

[blackendangel13]

I am interested in this as well. I have a crush on my best friend. I don't think he feels the same way. If I ever told him I'd fall back on the "I was drunk" excuse Don't know anyway else to dig myself out of that hole.

[rakula]

sorry about the double messages.. I was trying to delete my last one. but it wouldn't let me. Anyway. blackendangel13, since you're a girl and he's a guy it might work out? IF we base our logical on what elijahBailey said. Guys are more apt to going out with their girlfriends than Girls going out with guys friends it seems.

[blackendangel13]

Well its unlikely I will get anything more than friends with benefits. We have had the talk that we are close and he doesn't want to ruin it. Maybe someday. Our mutual friends are greasing the wheel. If it happens great, if not o well. I have learned to live with my feelings for him held in.

[rakula]

blackendangel13,

 

I've been holding my feelings in too, but I hate the feeling of having to bottle it up. I need to throw that bottle away somewhere. =P Yeah that's a common response I've heard before. The ruining of the relationship that is. Opposite sex friends are hard to come by it seems. Do you currently have a friends with benefits relationship with him right now?

[blackendangel13]

Well we have been best friends for about a year and half. We both met each other out of seriuos break-ups. We hit it off and slept in the same bed all the time. There was no weird feelings but we only kissed a handful of times. One instance about 2 months in, we ended up getting drunk and having sex but it didn't change anything and that was the only time anything like that ever happened.

 

He kissed me the other day but then he ran away (no kidding). A 30 year old man kissed me and ran like a first grader! Anyhow, we are very close but there is no sex or fooling around. We joke about it and I put his drunk ass to bed one night and had to take his clothes off. He asked me to sleep next to him and I said I'd be back. Who knows though. I wish I could throw the bottle away too. We both have been having a horrible time dating and often compare notes and laugh about it. I just would rather have him as a friend than not at all, but it sucks to be jealous of every girl I see him with.

[rakula]

Hehe. He kissed you and ran away? As in he got in his car and went home if you could say anything? LOL! I have this mental picture of a guy giving you a peck and running away with flaying arms into the sunset. hehe ok sorry for making fun.

 

 

We both have been having a horrible time dating and often compare notes and laugh about it. I just would rather have him as a friend than not at all, but it sucks to be jealous of every girl I see him with.

 

OMG! That's pretty much seems like the situation I am in. She's trying to see this guy and I'm so jealous it's not even funny. But I still play the role of the good friend and listen to her about the situation. sigh.. I mention to her that I felt alone earlier this week. She responded with an.. oh no!.... and tried to cheer me up by meeting me for coffee and for me to get it off my shoulder. I just couldn't tell her though. I think I gave her some other reason. I can't see it right now... but I really wonder if I would lose her as a friend if I just told her I had a crush on her? But I've heard stories from other people... and it seems true enough. lol

[blackendangel13]

Well I had my eyes closed so I could not see if the arms were flailing and it was night out! But I did look up and he was over 5 parking spaces away from my vehicle. My lips were still in pucker position too! Quite a site.

 

I don't know if spilling the beans gaurantees you lose the friend. I have lost a friend before that I told I liked him more, but I was younger and I guess its never 100%. I personally am sitting tight and letting him make the move but it sucks. Thats why I have busied myself with something else to pursue that most likely will end worse lol.

[rakula]

LOL! Five parking spaces away!? He's a fast runner! You weren't kidding when you said ran away. =) I shouldn't laugh too hard. Maybe I'd do the same thing. lol

 

I don't know if spilling the beans gaurantees you lose the friend. I have lost a friend before that I told I liked him more, but I was younger and I guess its never 100%.

 

I've actually tried it once but I was 18 (25 now) and I sent an email professing my love. Email hehe what a stupid idea! lol Well with that it's easier not to even give a response and never know what the other person feels. No news means sorry no luck in this case. I never really lost her friendship though. Maybe cause we never talked about it? (not until years later) Who knows... But it did let me go on cause I had closure on the situation. I dunno what it is with me and crushing on my friends. lol I get to know them really well, but I guess I took too much time cause I'm in the friends zone now. lol

 

 

What did you mean it's never 100% You don't lose them a 100%?

 

personally am sitting tight and letting him make the move but it sucks. Thats why I have busied myself with something else to pursue that most likely will end worse lol.

 

Unlike your situation, I think I'm the one that will have to make the move. I don't think the move comes from the girl too often. You're right though.. It's all about what's the better situation. If I pursed it, it would be like double or nothing. And I've never been much of a gambler. Vegas scares me. j/k

[elijahBailey]

hey, rakula.... the LS server went down, so I couldn't post sooner....

 

How would one slide out of a situation like that?

 

By not pursuing further. Let her go....

 

I really wonder when this will finally fade away. Cause I really hate the feeling. I've been having this crush since like November 2004.

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I've taken her out on valentine's day and went on a trip with just her. And we meet up about 2 to 3 times a week when we aren't working.

 

It won't go away as long as you still see her and talk to her.

 

I dunno if I feel more threatened now because she recently found a guy on the net she might meet up.

 

Yeah, that sucks. But, ya know, we all have crushes. Do a search here on LS and you'll find ample examples of that. It just affirms your humanity. I bet she knows how you feel. Now, the sensible thing for you to do is to institute a 'no-contact'. Stop seeing her, stop talking to her (even over the phone), etc. You'll be surprised how well NC works. It may hurt like hell initially, but once you get past the initial stages, you'll be okay. And once you get past this episode, I bet ya you'll be able to better handle crushes ( unrequited ones, ie ) in future. Sometimes I think it's something we all need to go thru. If she asks why you're distancing yourself, just tell her the truth. If you're not uncomfortable with that, just give some crap excuses; she'll get the picture. Remember that you're only answerable to yourself, and therefore, your own sanity is paramount; her feelings is secondary.... your mental state is more important than her. Good luck

[elijahBailey]

rakula, dude.... now I've read the rest of your posts....

 

1. yeah, you're firmly rooted in her friends category, so the there's only gonna be one outcome. sorry But if she's such a good friend, I won't necessarily say you'll lose her friendship if you try. But, for me, I find it unnecessary to even try.

 

2. you're the typical "nice guy". I'm not saying whether that's good or bad. But in future if you want a chance with some girl, resist the urge to wanna become friends with her. If she says 'let's just be friends', but you need to have the courage to walk. I've learnt a very long time ago never try to become good friends with a girl. One person is gonna get hurt. Somewhere done the line, the friendship is always gonna head towards the direction where one of the two crushes on the other. That, to me, is so unnecessary.

[elijahBailey]

Originally posted by blackendangel13

Well we have been best friends for about a year and half. We both met each other out of seriuos break-ups. We hit it off and slept in the same bed all the time. There was no weird feelings but we only kissed a handful of times. One instance about 2 months in, we ended up getting drunk and having sex but it didn't change anything and that was the only time anything like that ever happened.

 

He kissed me the other day but then he ran away (no kidding). A 30 year old man kissed me and ran like a first grader! Anyhow, we are very close but there is no sex or fooling around. We joke about it and I put his drunk ass to bed one night and had to take his clothes off. He asked me to sleep next to him and I said I'd be back. Who knows though. I wish I could throw the bottle away too. We both have been having a horrible time dating and often compare notes and laugh about it. I just would rather have him as a friend than not at all, but it sucks to be jealous of every girl I see him with.

 

It's a little different the other way round. Guys would normally take the sex first and sort out the feelings later. But I think that, usually, when the feelings doesn't exist for the guy initially, it's equally difficult to develop them later on, especially when the sex already happened. Well, at least, that's the way it is for me. It's a lot easier for you to get a FWB, but you seriously wouldn't want it, cos the moment he finds another girl and drops you, it's gonna hurt big time.

[Jayhawks]

I would recommend telling her how you feel. You will feel better no matter the outcome. She will probably end the friendship but you will know and you can move on. Just don't get in this situation next time and tell a girl how you feel way early in the relationship.

 

I never understand guys who want to be friends first before dating. You get to know a girl while dating not just by being their friend. Save the friendships for gals you have no crush on.

[rakula]

2. you're the typical "nice guy". I'm not saying whether that's good or bad.

 

You're right... I'm one of those nice guys... but nice isn't my problem really. I also need to work on confidence. But that's a different story.

 

But in future if you want a chance with some girl, resist the urge to wanna become friends with her. If she says 'let's just be friends', but you need to have the courage to walk. I've learnt a very long time ago never try to become good friends with a girl. One person is gonna get hurt. Somewhere done the line, the friendship is always gonna head towards the direction where one of the two crushes on the other. That, to me, is so unnecessary.

 

See that's the thing... I never really saw her in any other light other than the friendship light before She was always had a boyfriend pretty much and we still hung out during those times too and were pretty close as friends. I was ok with that. Then one fine ordinary day (last feb) I was having dinner with her and I was like wow... she's attractive today.. and then it snowballed out of no where. Geez.... I never really thought I'd even fall a little bit for her after so many years. It's crazy. Oh one other thing I wanted to add... I think I seem to be more of a back up to her? Like the good old... if we don't get married by 35 we'll get married. But I never brought anything like that up, or even liked her at the time. So what is that all about? Is it just like a "hey if I'm desperate I'll marry you" type of thing? lol She one time asked me randomly if I would have a one night stand when it was just us two at her apt. Is that an invitation for sex? Am I reading into it too much?

 

Yeah, that sucks. But, ya know, we all have crushes. Do a search here on LS and you'll find ample examples of that. It just affirms your humanity. I bet she knows how you feel. Now, the sensible thing for you to do is to institute a 'no-contact'. Stop seeing her, stop talking to her (even over the phone), etc. You'll be surprised how well NC works. It may hurt like hell initially, but once you get past the initial stages, you'll be okay. And once you get past this episode, I bet ya you'll be able to better handle crushes ( unrequited ones, ie ) in future. Sometimes I think it's something we all need to go thru. If she asks why you're distancing yourself, just tell her the truth. If you're not uncomfortable with that, just give some crap excuses; she'll get the picture. Remember that you're only answerable to yourself, and therefore, your own sanity is paramount; her feelings is secondary.... your mental state is more important than her. Good luck

 

Oh geez... that really is going to be really hard! I always wondered if he knew how I felt. She probably wouldn't say anything until I brought it up. I might be able to get away from the stop hanging out wiht her, but getting away from her IM messages all day at work will be a little bit harder. I guess I could just not respond on those like I was away. How long do I have to do this NC? Sometimes I wonder if she is pulling NC on me for some stuff. She is doing this spending alone time alot nowadays. She even drove to Louisiana from Central Texas by herself for the weekend. She plans more alone trips in the future too. I guess it's not too weird cause some people just like being alone. Anyway. back to the topic here. If she asks why I'm distracting myself and I respond with the truth, doesn't that set myself up for awkwardness between us? Is that your point? To throw the whole friendship relationship out of the window? geez this is a long post. I'm tired... for now.. I'll bbl.

[rakula]

Jayhawks,

 

I would recommend telling her how you feel. You will feel better no matter the outcome. She will probably end the friendship but you will know and you can move on. Just don't get in this situation next time and tell a girl how you feel way early in the relationship.

 

I dunno if she'd really end the friendship though. What if I came out and said, "So could you ever see me as anything more than a friend?" It's not going totally off the edge of how I feel but keeping it open ended on her feelings? And I also do like the "nothing ventured nothing gained" method too. How early is early in a relationship? What if you don't feel it until later?

 

I never understand guys who want to be friends first before dating. You get to know a girl while dating not just by being their friend.

 

So are you saying the only way to get with a girl is to have the feeling of attraction from the beginning? Also they say the best relationships are the ones that came from being friends first. So it's not totally a bad idea if it's successful. But the success rates are low huh?

 

Save the friendships for gals you have no crush on.

yeah like I said in my other post. I did have a friendship with this girl I had no crush on at first. But lucky me .... I got the crush after I had a friendship with her. But duely noted in the future.

[elijahBailey]

Originally posted by rakula If she asks why I'm distracting myself and I respond with the truth, doesn't that set myself up for awkwardness between us? Is that your point? To throw the whole friendship relationship out of the window? geez this is a long post. I'm tired... for now.. I'll bbl.

 

sorry, but yeah, that's exactly what I'm sayin'. I totally understand and feel for you. Sometimes crushes happen out of the blue, and what can we do. I had to cope with some myself, too

 

Between pretending as if everything is normal and doing the NC (and thus saving your sanity), I would suggest NC.... even though it means awkwardness between you two.

 

Sure, you can pop the question like "So could you ever see me as anything more than a friend?" as you mentioned. I seriously doubt if she'll ditch you as a friend. From the additional info you've given, I think she did ever toy with the idea of having you as more than a friend. So, just so you get a little closure and move on with the NC, why don't you ask her. I believe you mean too much to her as a friend for her to wanna ditch you. good luck.

[Jayhawks]

So are you saying the only way to get with a girl is to have the feeling of attraction from the beginning? Also they say the best relationships are the ones that came from being friends first. So it's not totally a bad idea if it's successful. But the success rates are low huh?

 

Unfortunately most women DO NOT see friendships as anything other than friends. They have two levels of men in their life, (1) guys they would date and (2) guys that are friends. The guys that are friends are the ones that they DO NOT have a physical attraction to. They will tell you all kinds of bs about they don't want to ruin the friendship and such but the bottom line is that they do not feel attraction to you.

 

And yes, I am saying the way you get a g/f is by asking those that you have an attraction for.

[fusion324]

Hey rakula, I'm a guy in what seems to be in the same situation as you. What I'm trying to do is drop hints at every oppurtune moment and make my feelings obvious with actually telling her anything. Also, I get my friends to scope her feelings out. Even if she doesnt feel the same way as I do I'd rather keep her as a friend then just drop her out of my life. Shes such an amazing person I could never go the NC route. And to give you hope, my aunt and uncle were friends for three years before they started dating and theyve been happily married for 15yrs now. And I've heard when girls get older they start looking more for the "nice guy" like you and I, so maybe you just have to wait it out. I'm 21 and my friend is 22, so I'm hoping that might be the case with me. The point is don't give up until your 100% sure shes not or never will be interested in you. Things happen and theres always a chance.