Should I object to GF partying with EX-Boyfriends

[Committed or Not]

My GF and I have been together for over a year. We are supposedly in a committed relationship. It is not unusual for her to be up til the wee hours talking to her friends (male and female). She spends hours every day online updating her various personal webpages. She has given me links to her webpages and on occasion I have visited them and links to her friends. I have also discovered from a completely reliable source other than my girlfriend, that at least one of her male "friends" was more than just a friend, which was always denied by her. She has continued to keep in close contact with her friends, and I have not discouraged her. She has many recent posts on her male "friends" webpage with such comments as "I miss you darling," and thank you for always being there for me." It should be noted however that she is a very expressive person, and I hear her say virtually everyday to her friends on the phone, "I MISS YOU." She is planning a trip to L.A. where most of her friends, including this male friend lives, and I totally expect that they will be socializing together. I must say that it is crystal clear to me that many of her male friends are indeed boyfriendwantobes. My feeling is that my GF is committed to me, (and I am indeed committed to her), yet I believe it may be tempting fate to let her to socialize with this former boyfriend. How would others approach her upcomming trip to L.A.

[sanne]

so you've heard from a COMPLETELY reliable source that she has cheated on you with some other guy?

 

the only way your going to get her to stop that kind of behavior is to just leave. show her that your not bluffing, and that if she continues this kind of behavior your not going to stick around. trust me, if she really loves you, that will scare the crap out of her and get her in line.

[Committed or Not]

No I am not saying that she cheated on me, just that she dated some male friends that she says are just friends. When I say dated, I do not necessarily mean she had sex, or even kissed. I do mean that they say each other in a dating situation (on a romantic level).

[Sal Paradise]

If I was in your shoes I'd ask her to choose between the friend who was more than friends, and you. I also would not trust the trip to LA. I'd hate to think of how many times women and men have used trips as a way to cheat with an ex. It sounds fishy to me. I would insist on going with her. There is no way in HELL should you let her party with her ex's (or even a guy she slept with or was interested in). You're just asking for heartache. Lay down the law. If it takes leaving her to do it, then do it. If you don't nothing will change.

 

This is why I NEVER get involved with anyone who is friends with either a ex, someone they slept with or kissed, or someone they had romantic feelings for in any way.

[Cecelius]

She lied to you about the nature of her past with a dude she still hangs with.

 

Male friends are fine, but your g/f has no reason to hang out with dudes alone generally or to hang with dudes she used to have sex with.

 

If you try to make an issue out of LA, you will (1) lose and (2) look like a chump. IF you don't trust her, then dump her.

[Art_Critic]

Yes you should be upset.

 

she sounds to me like she is stringing you along.

[Topper]

Sounds to me like she isn't ready for a mature relationship. Both men and woman get big ego boost from keeping members of the opposite sex attracted in themselves. She seems to be getting something out of having men being in love or at least in lust with her. She may indeed be in love with you. Still she isn't willing to give That big Ego boost she gets from her friends. To me that is asign that she isn't all that mature.

[Spectre]

the way I see it, I dont mind if I have a gf and she hangs out with guys, as long as NONE of them are ex bf's or previoius hookups bottom line,and that she never is with them alone, if she doesnt like it she doesnt like you that much

 

theres no reason to be hanging out with an EX, they broke up for a reason..so there really isnt a need to spend time together

 

and theres no reason to be around previous hookups unless you plan on doing it again

 

and honestly? there is NO reason for a girl who isnt single to party with various other guys when he bf isnt there, you would think she wouldnt even wanna party without him, atleast from coming to this site I know all the warning signs on if my girls .."easy"

[danny8630]

Yes, it is a bad thing. That is all.

[RecordProducer]

Sorry, I don't see anything bad in what she is doing, but I do understand your concerns. It's normal to be jealous. But I think you should simply trust her. She is with you because she loves you, not because she has to.

 

Former partners are the ones we should LEAST be jealous of. Unless she was in love with him recently and he dumped her, I don't see a reason why you should be bothered by them associating. Actually I was jealous of my BF socializing with his ex-wife and ex-GFs, but I realized that he was not attarcted to them anymore and it was just friendly while he is truly in love with me. After all, I invited my ex-husband to lunch recently at my home (the kids were there too) and my BF was okay with it.

 

I think it's cute when my BF is jealous of new male friends though, because it tells me that he wants to keep me in his life. But if he were jealous of my former partners, it would be ridiculous.

 

As I said, I completely understand your point, but you should learn to trust her and let her breathe. The more you limit and inhibit her the sooner she will walk away from you in search of freedom.

[Spectre]

Sorry, I don't see anything bad in what she is doing, but I do understand your concerns.

 

uh what? did you even read the post? not only did he say he heard from a reliable source she was cheating on him, and her posting on other males webpages and calling them darling? I know he said she's a "very expressive person" but in this case that just means whore

 

 

Former partners are the ones we should LEAST be jealous of

 

Again, did you read the post? in this case WHY should they be jealous, she's givin them the attention you WOULD give a bf, and she had atleast been messing around with one of them

 

I think it's cute when my BF is jealous of new male friends though, because it tells me that he wants to keep me in his life. But if he were jealous of my former partners, it would be ridiculous.

 

Again I must ask if you read this post? He isnt getting jealous at the mention of a former partners name, he is mad that she is hanging out with them a lot and treating them in a more than just friends way, if you have a bf who DOESNT care that youre hanging out with guys you've previously slept with he probably doesnt care that much about the relationship(no offense)

 

 

As I said, I completely understand your point, but you should learn to trust her and let her breathe. The more you limit and inhibit her the sooner she will walk away from you in search of freedom.

 

Again, WHY? explain where this logic comes from? he said he found from a reliable source she was more than friends with ATLEAST one person, and acting more than friendly with others, and sorry "I miss you darling" is NOT friendship talk.. and uh what do you mean search for freedom? the freedom for her to slut around? seems she's already doing that

[Cecelius]

This is not jealousy -- this is about your g/f not hanging around with dude's she used to perform sex acts upon and apparently specifically excluding the current b/f.

[RecordProducer]

I have also discovered from a completely reliable source other than my girlfriend, that at least one of her male "friends" was more than just a friend, which was always denied by her... I believe it may be tempting fate to let her to socialize with this former boyfriend. .

 

Spectre, it's her ex-BF.

 

She is socializing with male friends and they are close. So what? Because of his jealousy she should drop everyone and go out only with girls? The guys want to be with her, but to her they are only friends.

 

The thread starter said:

My feeling is that my GF is committed to me, (and I am indeed committed to her), yet I believe it may be tempting fate to let her to socialize with this former boyfriend.

 

So she hasn't given him any reason to be jealous. He is just afraid that something might happen, might be tempting. It's only fear of uncertainty.

[RecordProducer]

if you have a bf who DOESNT care that youre hanging out with guys you've previously slept with he probably doesnt care that much about the relationship(no offense)

So I should stop my diplomatic relations (as I like to call them) with my ex-husband, with whom I have two children, only because I slept with him in the past so that my new BF doesn't get offended?

[Bryanp]

To Record Producer,

 

I think there is a big difference between having a friendship with your ex-husband who you had two children with and this situation where his girlfriend wishes to hang out and party with her ex. In your situation it is important to associate with your ex because of your dealings with your children. You need to have a friendship for the health of your children. Having children is a huge bond. In the other situation, the girlfriend wishes to hang out and party with her ex who she slept with while she is committed in an another relationship. I am surprised that you do not see the difference. Honestly I do not know how you can compare the two. Am I wrong?

[Cecelius]

Word, Bryanp. I have a diplomatic relationship with my EXW, but I would completely understand that my g/f would have a legitimate issue if I were having dinner with her or going to the movies with her.

 

Young ladies are famous for calling some boys "just friends" where there is an underlying sexual interest. In my opinion, when your committed g/f omits to tell you that she hangs around with someone she used to bang/boink/blow, etc., that is a clue about things.

 

Lastly, no intelligent man ever tells a girl what to do, nor does he get mad about it. He sees something (such as this) that doesn't comport with his view of his life. Her life is her own. He explains what is wrong with the situation, calmly and calls her on her nonsense. If she tends to agree and merely didn't see it that way, then there is no issue. If she does not, then he concludes they are simply not compatible and he cuts her loose and moves on. No drama, no pain.

[alphamale]

Lastly, no intelligent man ever tells a girl what to do, nor does he get mad about it.

I must disagree.....an intelligent man always tells his woman what he wants her to do or not do. It is up to her to comply or not. If she does not then he can get mad or leave her or start to mirror her misbehaviour so that she know what he feels like.

 

Women don't stay with spineless doormats too long.

[Cecelius]

I think you are missing my point -- a man evaluates what is appropriate, tells her what he thinks is appropriate and if she does not agree, he dumps her. There is no sense getting bent out of shape over someone who is doing something inappropriate.

[Spectre]

Spectre, it's her ex-BF.

 

She is socializing with male friends and they are close. So what? Because of his jealousy she should drop everyone and go out only with girls? The guys want to be with her, but to her they are only friends.

 

I know its her ex, and who said she only has to go out with girls? just guys who penis's havent been inside her, if its that hard to find a guy who fits that criteria then theres a PROBLEM

 

So she hasn't given him any reason to be jealous. He is just afraid that something might happen, might be tempting. It's only fear of uncertainty.

 

hasnt given a reason to be jealous? how about him getting confirmation she CHEATED, and posting on other males webpages calling them darling etc? thats a HELL of a good reason

[Spectre]

So I should stop my diplomatic relations (as I like to call them) with my ex-husband, with whom I have two children, only because I slept with him in the past so that my new BF doesn't get offended?

 

however, I never said if you have an ex husband with children you shouldnt see him, yet you damn well shouldnt be having dinner with him or anything, so ill change it: its cool to see an ex husband if you have kid with him, as long as you only see em when it concerns the kids

[Cecelius]

I know its her ex, and who said she only has to go out with girls? just guys who penis's havent been inside her, if its that hard to find a guy who fits that criteria then theres a PROBLEM

 

Funny stuff

[RecordProducer]

however, I never said if you have an ex husband with children you shouldnt see him, yet you damn well shouldnt be having dinner with him or anything, so ill change it: its cool to see an ex husband if you have kid with him, as long as you only see em when it concerns the kids

 

Well only in the last month I invited my ex-husband for lunch in my home (the kids were there too) and he invited me after their first school day for a drink (the kids were there again). I have no feelings for him and it was merely friendly. And his penis was inside of me once (actually more than once...).

[Cupcake]

But it's really difficult most of the time. Your GF has been dishonest with you and that's ALWAYS a red flag. You have every reason to be jelous of her behavior. But it's not a good idea to demand anything of her. Continue to give her freedom to do whatever she wants.

 

I think you should definately sit down with her and have a serious talk to share your ideals of the way the relationship should be conducted. Tell her what bothers you about her dating her ex's. Allow her to explain how she feels about dating them. Perhaps put the shoe on the other foot and see how she would feel if you were still dating your XGF's.

 

If the two of you disagree and aren't able to adjust, then you should consider that she may not be the right person for you to commit to. Maybe you would be better as one of her FREINDLY XBF's. Who knows, maybe they broke up with her because she was so close with other XBF's and then they became her friends as well.

[Spectre]

Well only in the last month I invited my ex-husband for lunch in my home (the kids were there too) and he invited me after their first school day for a drink (the kids were there again). I have no feelings for him and it was merely friendly. And his penis was inside of me once (actually more than once...).

 

 

Again, I said there isnt a problem as long as the kids are there

 

 

and wait..you took your kids out for a drink? thats a whole different issue, go tell your bf ur gonna go have a drink with ur ex WITHOUT kids, let me know how that goes ok?