caring guy Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 Me & my s/o were having a very rocky relationship, we love each other, but all the time she needed commitment & for me to show her more thta i cared & she was special. I suffer anxiety & it has been a problem as i self medicate with alcohol, but now i've stopped alcohol & feeling much better, more confident & more positive about the future. She has & still is having a fling with someone, as she met him whilst we temporarily split & enjoys his company,but she contacted me the other day & says she's real confused & doesn't know what she wants. She wants me to be with her, but wants to see a change in my ways, she loves me, but my complacency in past turned her love into a different love. She doesn't want to throw away this fling with this young lad, who earns good money, who she don't love, but if she comes back to me & i fu_k up, she' have nothing. But it's gone from me not being with her at all, arguments, hurting each other with words, to walking hand in hand in town & being like the good old days & we will go out next week & for the weekend soon, as only this will show her my improvement & lifestyle changes i'm working hard on, for me & us!! Before, she mentioned long term engagement & i thought about it & agreed & thought it a good idea, but i need to show her over time my issues are on there way out! We spoke the other day & she says i'd never ask her to get engaged, only to keep her, not cos i love her, she's wrong. Should i call her bluff & do it, romantically & surprise her, or in our situation should we talk about it first, not very romantic! She just wants comitment, but proof from me too, i've told her my comitment to her, i can't throw away 18 months, i should have been more comited earlier, i just learned from a previous relationship not to be too fast & rushing things. I do love her with all my heart & have made mistakes & i'm having a chance to show her, but would surprising her with engagement, be too much? She did say she wanted it! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 She doesn't want to throw away this fling with this young lad, who earns good money, who she don't love, but if she comes back to me & i fu_k up, she' have nothing That's a pretty screwed-up way to figure out a life. Are you sure that you really want someone who wants you just to have someone? Because that's how it sounds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted August 25, 2005 Author Share Posted August 25, 2005 I think she's stuck between a rock & a hard place. She just needs a stable, fruitful future like anyone for herself & kids & ok, he says this & that because he's young & people say stuff to impress! We've been together 17 months & been rocky, but now i'm sorting myself out! She is independent & don't need to be with anyone, i just feel she may think i'll let her down when she may have a future with him, but i think whatever happens it's a gamble, but she loves me & knows my faults that i'm fixing & i'm sure thats a headstart for me! Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 Several times you have mentioned that she wants commitment, and you say that she is seeing someone else. I may be old-fashioned, but I would think that a woman who wants to be engaged wouldn't be spending time with two men. I get the impression that her "wanting a commitment" is another way of saying that she wants someone - anyone - in her life as some sort of security or to show her girlfriends that she is capable of having a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend, not because she loves a man. You said that she is "confused." I don't recommend getting engaged to un-confuse her. An engagement isn't meant to sway a person into deciding which partner he/she wants. I say to keep working on yourSELF and when the time is right, someone who loves will be there to propose to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted August 26, 2005 Author Share Posted August 26, 2005 This guy offered showed her affection & that she was special, at a time i didn't, & when our relationship was very low, now there's a glimmer that wasn't there, as she was confused as to wether i am the one she wants, as i gave her space & she missed me & i have to show her my issues are behind me & i'm working damn hard on them! I guess i shall have to play it by ear & see how it goes! CG Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 I agree with Lil Honey. And why would you ask a girl to marry you who is f*cking some other guy? Is that the best you can get? Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted August 26, 2005 Author Share Posted August 26, 2005 I was the one with the issues, that for 16 months made her feel pretty crap & unloved, i was drinking, ancxious, selfish, immature, non-comital etc etc, in a nutshell i was a jerk. It all came to a head with one mighty argument whilst drunk & i said i didn't care anymore, i'd been drinking & i said stuff i didn't mean. I drove her to accept the advances of another, it hurts me & i'm the one who broke it & am gonna fix it! Things are better now, the drink has gone & the me she loves is around, called me & is in limbo as to what to do, i believe she wants to be with me by things that have happened lately. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 It's good that you are straightening yourself out. The two of you as a couple, still have things to work out and those should be worked out before you get engaged. Too many times, people get engaged and married for the wrong reasons. IMHO, there isn't any reason to be in a hurry to marry anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 I agree with tanbark -- a woman who wants to marry YOU will not let some other guy do her, I don't care how many Reese Witherspoon movies they make to the contrary. Sleeping with someone else is not consistent with the kind of emotional/physical "oneness" needed for marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted August 29, 2005 Author Share Posted August 29, 2005 I drove her to it, it was a bad time! She wanted to finish it 1st but was going on holiday the next day, so thought she' d wait till she got back, i found out during her holiday. We argued, said things we don't mean & i thought that was the end, but then out of the blue, there was contact. Now things are much better, she called me & we had a nice day together, she has mixed feelings as she wants me to be the one, but can't be sure i'll keep it up! She's been indicating , little hints that we can get back together, but doesn't think she can end it with him until i prove to her. Thats why i thought about surprising her with the ultimate commitment! I love her so much & she does me, just at the moment not in the same way & that can change, or she wouldn't be willing to give it this second chance! Link to post Share on other sites
AmberAriesMom Posted September 4, 2005 Share Posted September 4, 2005 Now things are much better, she called me & we had a nice day together, she has mixed feelings as she wants me to be the one, but can't be sure i'll keep it up! Do you always want to have to feel like you have to prove things to this woman? She will be looking for you to fall apart again. I say, let this go away....water over the dam. You'll find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 4, 2005 Share Posted September 4, 2005 She's been indicating , little hints that we can get back together, but doesn't think she can end it with him until i prove to her. As long as she wants to be seeing this guy, she will continue to change her parameters of "proof" so that you will never be really able to 'prove' anything. What she is really doing is using the whole 'proof' thing as a way to keep you around on the back burner, and make you think that the reason she isn't with you is your fault - giving her every justification to stay with this guy that she is happy with. She probably knows that this guy will discard her soon enough, and she is going to need someone to fall back on when he dumps her. If that is what you want to base the rest of your life on: being someone's second choice and default - then by all means, continue to do things to "prove" how much you can change and be with her. Meanwhile, she will ignore any and everything you do until this guy gets tired of her and dumps her. Then, and only then will she respond to any "proof" that you show her. I expect she will continue to use this trick on you every time she hooks up with some other guy, since it seems to work so well. Seriously, the "proof" of you getting your life together would be when you give her arse a hearty kick to the curb, and make your recovery on your own and find someone who can show you what possibilities love can really have. Ironically, as long as you continue agreeing to put yourself last in your/her life, she will continue to reject you in lieu of other men. Women don't want men who think so lowly of themselves like that (but since they make good backup plans you can bet they tend to keep a few doormats around for handy use). Ignore the sweet words, and pay close attention to what she is doing. Right now you are blinded by your own hope and wishful thinking. Hopefully you will find the strength to throw off those blinders, see with your own eyes what she has reduced you to, and will stop putting yourself last and move on with your life and recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 5, 2005 Share Posted September 5, 2005 So the guy is asking one thing and everybody is telling him something else. No matter how evil you think the girl is, the guy thinks he has been equally evil to her. I can't understand this "you deserve better" and "ditch them!" attitude. So back to your questin, CG, I think it's better to surprise her. It's so cute. And you will sound more determined about itif you offer it as a one-sided thing. If she hesitates, give her time to think. You don't want her to rush into it. Moreover now that she has a young successful fella, if she says "Yes" it means she really loves you. She is not cheating on you, you're broken up. She has a right to search for happiness elsewhere if she believed that you didn't love her enough. These same people (LS-ers, that is) tell me to ditch my BF who is unwilling to marry me right now and look for love elsewhere. That wouldn't change my feelings for him, even if I did that. Now they call the woman who listened to their advice a bitch. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted September 6, 2005 Share Posted September 6, 2005 Please understand the following: Your former girlfriend is having another man's penis in her body regularly. Whether you love her or not, whether you injured her or not, is that how you believe a girl ready to marry you really acts? Do not make marrying her your atonement. It's a partnership, not a penance. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 She is not cheating on you, you're broken up. She has a right to search for happiness elsewhere if she believed that you didn't love her enough. Since this LS member is broken up from his GF, I suggest that he get back together with her, create a new, better relationship with her and THEN ask her to marry him . . . if it goes that far . . . in the future. Like I said before, What is the rush? If you get married simply to keep her, you are marrying for the wrong reason and it isn't a guarantee that you WILL keep her. Link to post Share on other sites
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