Possible separation ***Updated***

[Jessa2009]

Hi yall,

I am new here.... this is actually my first time in this setting ever.

 

This is kinda a long dramatic story fyi.

 

I am 27 and my hubby is 28. We have two beautiful daughters 4 and 2. I am a full time student and he is a "business owner" (i use quotations because its not actually a business and he doesn't really make a profit). He decided that it would be a really good idea to move into a space that we cant really afford when i started nursing school. We currently (and for the last year) are living with his parents.... we got evicted from our house because he didn't want to work for someone else anymore (and "we" made the decision shortly after i had given birth to our youngest kiddo so my hormones were still all outta wack and i was crazy). Also note worthy is that he is NEVER home and doesn't take care of the kids.

 

So.... he is A. not making any money. and B. he isn't ever home spending time with his family (wife and kids)

 

I have told him that it is time to get another job so we can have some sort of income while i am in school and all i get is push back. I get told that I want his business to fail and that i am hateful and unsupportive and all he has ever wanted from me is to be loving towards him. I am not really sure how i am being hateful and unsupportive. I moved myself and my babies into his parents house. I maintain our portion of the house to the best of my ability. I take care of our children and i somehow manage to do school work in the middle of all of it too. His mom also helps A LOT with the girls (if it weren't for her im positive i wouldn't have made it this far in my education).

 

I will also say this. His love language is affection and words of affirmation. Mine is quality time. I try my best to tell him that i appreciated things he does for me (like take the trash out.... even if it does take me asking him 10 times to do it). And i try to show him affection but im just exhausted all the time. and quite frankly i dont really want to give him affection anymore because he put us in this position in the first place.

 

Long story short.

We cant communicate at all (about ANYTHING... it all turns into a massive fight), he is never home (im feeling like a single mom, at least i think i am), we are broke (like absolutely no money.... it all goes to his shop and cars), and when i ask him to do things with me and the girls he always has other plans that involve him going to work (ex: i had plans for our family to participate in an activity at the public library today then go to a funeral, but he was "too sick" to go, so he went to work... well i stopped by on my way home and his brother and another guy was over there). I just cant help but feel like he just doesn't give a rats ass about spending time with me and the girls. its not fair to us.

 

Deep down i feel like i want to leave him, but i also feel like i married him for a reason, and maybe I am just blowing things out of proportion.

 

Thanks for letting me just write all of this out. Im sorry its all over the place.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am 27 and my hubby is 28. We have two beautiful daughters 4 and 2. I am a full time student and he is a "business owner" (i use quotations because its not actually a business and he doesn't really make a profit). He decided that it would be a really good idea to move into a space that we cant really afford when i started nursing school. We currently (and for the last year) are living with his parents.... we got evicted from our house because he didn't want to work for someone else anymore (and "we" made the decision shortly after i had given birth to our youngest kiddo so my hormones were still all outta wack and i was crazy). Also note worthy is that he is NEVER home and doesn't take care of the kids.

 

That's a lot of quotation marks .

 

There's a place and time for everything - including starting a business. Unfortunately, that time isn't when you're also trying to start a family, the expenses and participation needed are both high. Your H seems to be operating more of a boy's club than a money-making enterprise, a fact I'm sure isn't lost on you.

 

Have you thought about suggesting both of you enter the workforce and having school and entrepreneurial activities wait? Seems like it would be the quickest way to get back on your feet financially and your own actions might shame him into contributing. Just a thought, sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[StoicHusband]

Hi yall,

I am new here.... this is actually my first time in this setting ever.

 

This is kinda a long dramatic story fyi.

 

If it wasn't would you post it here?

 

I am 27 and my hubby is 28. We have two beautiful daughters 4 and 2.

 

How wonderful for you both. It sounds like you're truly blessed, even if you have found yourself at a crossroads.

 

I am a full time student and he is a "business owner" (i use quotations because its not actually a business and he doesn't really make a profit). He decided that it would be a really good idea to move into a space that we cant really afford when i started nursing school. We currently (and for the last year) are living with his parents.... we got evicted from our house because he didn't want to work for someone else anymore

 

This is a selfish move on his part, I must admit. I am guilty of this at some points in my own (currently separated/nearly divorced) marriage. It's an easy mistake to make.

 

(and "we" made the decision shortly after i had given birth to our youngest kiddo so my hormones were still all outta wack and i was crazy). Also note worthy is that he is NEVER home and doesn't take care of the kids.

 

When you say "we" did you agree or did you say flat-out "no"? There is no "we" but only -we- when you agree. He can't read your mind. This isn't to sound rude, but regardless of hormones you have to accept your portion of the responsibility. Good thing is, you're a woman so you're allowed infinite chances to change your mind (half-joke).

 

So.... he is A. not making any money. and B. he isn't ever home spending time with his family (wife and kids)

 

I have told him that it is time to get another job so we can have some sort of income while i am in school and all i get is push back. I get told that I want his business to fail and that i am hateful and unsupportive and all he has ever wanted from me is to be loving towards him. I am not really sure how i am being hateful and unsupportive.

 

In his (obcsured) eyes he is the one working, and you are not. I understand how that may come as a shock, but it is how he feels I can almost guarantee it. He is wrong.

 

I moved myself and my babies into his parents house. I maintain our portion of the house to the best of my ability. I take care of our children and i somehow manage to do school work in the middle of all of it too. His mom also helps A LOT with the girls (if it weren't for her im positive i wouldn't have made it this far in my education).

 

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. You're a heck of a mom. Give yourself credit for that. How close are you to finishing?

 

I will also say this. His love language is affection and words of affirmation. Mine is quality time. I try my best to tell him that i appreciated things he does for me (like take the trash out.... even if it does take me asking him 10 times to do it). And i try to show him affection but im just exhausted all the time. I dont really want to give him affection anymore because he put us in this position in the first place.

 

You're losing attraction to him, it's natural for a woman in your position. He's not doing anything to make your life easier and instead focusing on himself. This "shop" does indeed sound like a "boy's club" as another user put it.

 

About withholding affection: It will make him lose attraction for you as well. He will become more adamant against your requests. Depending on how you want to proceed, it's work considering.

 

Long story short.

We cant communicate at all (about ANYTHING... it all turns into a massive fight), he is never home (im feeling like a single mom, at least i think i am), we are broke (like absolutely no money.... it all goes to his shop and cars), and when i ask him to do things with me and the girls he always has other plans that involve him going to work (ex: i had plans for our family to participate in an activity at the public library today then go to a funeral, but he was "too sick" to go, so he went to work... well i stopped by on my way home and his brother and another guy was over there).

 

Then you need to make it clear that you feel unheard. I know this can be hard, but it is within your control, where many of the things you talk about here... are not.

 

I just cant help but feel like he just doesn't give a rats ass about spending time with me and the girls. its not fair to us.

 

Have you communicated this feeling to him? If not, do so without being angry or sounding overly accusing (it IS an accusation, but communicate it as a feeling.)

 

Deep down i feel like i want to leave him, but i also feel like i married him for a reason, and maybe I am just blowing things out of proportion.

 

I really hope that he is able to remember that reason and return to carrying it out. I know that I have, and if my wife would only notice I do feel like she would think this divorce, which is her idea, is her loss. Men can change, deeply, in a lasting way when they feel their ways are threatening the fabric of their lives. Perhaps you should separate, but no one here can tell you yes or no on that. Only you know.

 

Start thinking of how you would do it and if/why/when you would return.

 

Thanks for letting me just write all of this out. Im sorry its all over the place.

 

You are perfectly clear in your communication here... take that as a good sign and move forward in the best way you can.

 

Understand this is just the opinion of some internet dude on the other end of what you're considering doing. I've been separated 6 weeks, I have a thread on this forum as well, feel free to read thru it and consider everything from the other side for a while. It may be helpful.

[Lowrider93]

Business or not your husband needs to bring in a paycheck

every week, he has mouths to feed first and foremost.

Ask to see his books, how much he's spending vs what

he's earning. Anyone serious about running a business

will want to know this.

Don't make any changes until you finish your schooling

because right now his mother is helping you with the children.

Depending on how much schooling you have left set a timeline

on when your family should have your own place, then if

he doesn't deliver you can make a move on your own if necessary.

 

It's just my perspective.

[Jessa2009]

I have just over a year left before I get my RN. In order to get the job I want i have to have my BSN, so it would be another couple years before i get that degree, however I can work as an RN while I am pursuing my Bachelors degree. I have spent the last 4 years getting all my prereqs done for the ADN program so I am too close to finishing to quit now. Also I know that if I quit now then I wont ever go back so it is imperative for me to graduate May 2019.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jessa, I think Lowrider got it right. A little pain right now will pay you big dividends later. You seem to be the level headed person in this union. Just keep your head down and press on till you get your qualification as an RN. With the help that you are getting from your MIL for looking after your little ones you are actually on a much better wicket than you may realize, coupled with the fact that you have a place to stay for which you do not have to pay. I would say that you bide your time and make life changing decisions once you are on firm ground with a qualification and perhaps, a job in hand. The plan you outlined in your last post seems sensible and good. Stick with it.

 

I really do not understand how your husband thinks and functions. He seems to be like a little spoilt kid with his favourite toy. He is displaying typical escapist behaviour in the face of onerous responsibilities. As a man with a family his first concern should be to cater to their financial and emotional needs. Obviously, he is very immature and not fit for the role of a husband and father. In the interim you would have to provide the roles of both mother and father for your kids. Sad but inevitable given the current state of affairs. My only piece of advice coupled with a warning would be that being in the kind of emotional desert that you are, please avoid any temptation of falling into an affair. That would be the biggest disfavour you could do to your family. Warm wishes.

[viatori patuit]

 

I really do not understand how your husband thinks and functions. He seems to be like a little spoilt kid with his favourite toy. He is displaying typical escapist behaviour in the face of onerous responsibilities. As a man with a family his first concern should be to cater to their financial and emotional needs. Obviously, he is very immature and not fit for the role of a husband and father. In the interim you would have to provide the roles of both mother and father for your kids. Sad but inevitable given the current state of affairs. My only piece of advice coupled with a warning would be that being in the kind of emotional desert that you are, please avoid any temptation of falling into an affair. That would be the biggest disfavour you could do to your family. Warm wishes.

 

 

We have one side of the story.

 

I guarantee I could post here and make my wife look like the devil. I would be surprised if there wasn’t another side. The magic to making this work is to find the way they see it and try to work with it.

 

This is an awful place to be but the chances of divorce are astronomical if one party doesn’t cave. Unfair for sure but a fact nonetheless.

 

When my wife is argumentative my responding is never good. She invariably sleeps on the couch and I suffer a day or two of the silent treatment. It is totally immature but I have two choices - be a better person and not respond or take the immature behavior. Totally unfair but if I want to remain married that is my choice. I guarantee should I stick to my guns and fight hard we would separate.

I try to present small points as we go through this dance. Over time it has worked. I see her changing her behavior.

 

 

OP, decide what’s important and live it. Divorce sucks. Sometimes staying married sucks more. No matter what be smart about it. If you leave do it rationally and intelligently. An emotional decision will be super expensive.

[Jessa2009]

thank you all for the advise. I have started a journal with when he gets home and what he does when hes home (advice i received from my mama). We will see where we are in May, at the end of the semester, and evaluate our options at that point. I am strongly considering getting my LPN (Licensed Practical Nurse) license so I can get a job while finishing my RN program so we aren't struggling as much financially next year. I also spoke to a good friend of mine and he said it sounds like "a grass is greener on the other side" type thing, which i think he is completely correct. So for now I will hold my head up high, study my ass off, and give my girls the best care I can.

 

Again I thank you all for your input and advice! I really appreciate it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have started a journal with when he gets home and what he does when hes home (advice i received from my mama).

 

Don't you already have a sense of his lack of involvement at home and with the kids? Not sure how this improves your situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BrokeI]

Hello Jessa

 

I don't know if it's going to help but i can't recognize myself into your husband even if i was not so deep in this behaviour.

 

But when my wife did pack her things, it took me few days to realize how i ****ed up many things.

 

The good plan could be to pack up, wait a few days and see if he really gets it.

 

I can assure you, i was ready to make every change in the world for my wife when she leave.

 

To defend your husband, i can only say failure is a powerful catalyst to crush a guy mind. I was the only bread winner in the home but during all my wedding, i was having a sense of failure. My business were failing, we were often short on money, i was working 40/50 hours per week and my wife was near to no support.

 

So, i didn't even notice but i did give up at some point. I was just in an automatic mode , work, sleep, eat and at some point.

 

I never feel that my wife was behind me, was proud of me and at some point, i guess i was convinced i will be a failure all my life.

 

My wife running out of me was the wake up call. I'm sad because today, i'm a way better father, husband but everything is broken because of the lack of communication.

 

Before breaking your family, try everything. As a single father today, life is hard and the kids are often sad.

 

I wish you luck ! Talk to your husband and keep talking to him. Explain him the situation and if he did not get it. Pack up and leave. Sometimes, people really understand only when they are on the breaking point.

[anika99]

Don't you already have a sense of his lack of involvement at home and with the kids? Not sure how this improves your situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think the journal is maybe to help the OP see the bigger picture. People tend to think that whatever is happening right now is how things always are. It's easy to overlook someone's past unkindness if they are being kind to us at the moment. Likewise it's easy to forget someone's past good deeds if they are making us angry in the moment. So by keeping a journal the OP may discover that her husband is not as bad as she thought, that he actually does more than she gives him credit for. Likewise the journal may reveal that he is much worse than she thought and that she has been giving him too much credit.

 

Of course this requires that the OP be consistent, fair and impartial when it comes to writing things down. It would awfully easy to subconsciously manipulate the journal to read one way or the other depending on what is the desired outcome. Also I hope the OP's journal is just for herself and not something she plans to whip out on her husband in a few months to prove a point because that would backfire.

[Jessa2009]

Im not sure if this belongs here......

 

My hubby has consistently been having late nights (like coming home well after the kids and I are asleep)... but hes been saying that hes been working late, however the finances beg to differ.

 

 

He has lied to me before, but I really dont know if I am being paranoid or not.

[d0nnivain]

Can't say for sure but from what you have written it requires further investigation because it certainly looks suspicious.

[BluesPower]

I can say for sure...

 

Yes he is cheating. Typical behavior.

 

Do your detective work and find out the details.

 

But have the proof before you confront...

[S2B]

Not certain he's cheating... but drop into the family business once a week and look at what money is coming in and what's going out.

 

This is also your source of income and you should be checking on how's it's handled - including making sure all tax documents are being recorded for the tax season/filing.

 

If you still feel alone after May then consider a big change - no need to stay when he's being a lousy father.

 

Consider school at night so you can work a day job. You need a solid plan to make ends meet.

 

What does his mother say about him not participating with his family?

 

Does he have a history of drinking/drugs?

[GoldenR]

He's cheating. Investigate. Don't tip your hat.

[usa1ah]

Get your education finished. You will need this.

 

Then file for divorce with full custody. Give him enough rope to hang him self. You will find someone that actually cares about his family and knows how to support you and your girls.

[Jessa2009]

Not certain he's cheating... but drop into the family business once a week and look at what money is coming in and what's going out.

 

This is also your source of income and you should be checking on how's it's handled - including making sure all tax documents are being recorded for the tax season/filing.

 

If you still feel alone after May then consider a big change - no need to stay when he's being a lousy father.

 

Consider school at night so you can work a day job. You need a solid plan to make ends meet.

 

What does his mother say about him not participating with his family?

 

Does he have a history of drinking/drugs?

 

 

 

 

His parents think he is a great husband and a great father, I mentioned to them last month that I cant support his business and him never being home when its not bringing in an income. I was told that if i felt this way then i need to drop out of school and get a job. He can do no wrong in their eyes, yet I walk around like my **** dont stink. He does have a history of drinking, yet i would not call it a problem.... its social, but he can absolutely drink A LOT. He keeps alcohol at the shop so I know he drinks there. He has told me stories about him drinking and driving before our kids were born (we were both pretty reckless back in the day).

[Jessa2009]

I can say for sure...

 

Yes he is cheating. Typical behavior.

 

Do your detective work and find out the details.

 

But have the proof before you confront...

 

How does one go about detective work? Every time i show up at the shop unannounced everything seems in order.... maybe he is going somewhere else?