wing81 Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 The cycle in our marriage continues with things being ok to things being completely off. We can have a fight where I am called every name in the book, threatened, and so forth and be determined divorce is the only answer. The next day is ok and I tend to forget about what happened previously until the next time it happens. When it happens again i feel like a completely fool. There also also seems to be external drama with her family, work, etc. Where I feel obliged to provide assistance but does erase what has previously been done. I feel i get my mind set on divorce and then things stop being so bad and backoff only to feel vindicated a week or so later that i should habe attacked sooner. Not sure what the options i should go to at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 Marriage counseling. After a screaming fight, things aren't OK the next day. You two are just sweeping stuff under the rug, not dealing with the issues maturely, fixing them then moving on Divorce is an answer but it's not the only one. Improving communication & learning how to work together to solve problems is the answer. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 Hi wing, sorry you are here. I have to ask you whether you think having blow up fights at regular intervals where you are threatened and abused is the way to live a happily married life? If you can answer this question honestly then you will have the answer to your dilemma. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 We can have a fight where I am called every name in the book, threatened, and so forth and be determined divorce is the only answer. From my own experience, once the "D" word is thrown about it becomes tougher to recover. Rather than both partners feeling committed to a solution, each sees an easy way out if things get tough. And in the type of relationship you describe, stone-cold guarantee things will get very tough. As d0nnivain advises, I'd offer her a good-faith effort to address the issues in counseling. But if she refuses or shows less than full participation, it's probably time to simply move ahead without her. Life's too short to continue this kind of turmoil. Hope things work out, keep posting... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 5, 2018 Share Posted February 5, 2018 The cycle in our marriage continues with things being ok to things being completely off. We can have a fight where I am called every name in the book, threatened, and so forth and be determined divorce is the only answer. The next day is ok and I tend to forget about what happened previously until the next time it happens. When it happens again i feel like a completely fool. There also also seems to be external drama with her family, work, etc. Where I feel obliged to provide assistance but does erase what has previously been done. I feel i get my mind set on divorce and then things stop being so bad and backoff only to feel vindicated a week or so later that i should habe attacked sooner. Not sure what the options i should go to at this point. You've taught her how she can treat you. Why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wing81 Posted February 5, 2018 Author Share Posted February 5, 2018 We have been in and out of counseling for three years. It is not working and she seems unable to see her role in our issues. I know both of us have played a part getting to where we are but constantly told everything is my fault. I have taught her how to treat me i guess from my own insecurities early on. Changing this pattern seems to cause more conflict because she isn't getting her way as much or has to escalate her reactions to get me to agree. I cannot live in constant turmoil and need to male a change. Thanks for the input so far. Think i know the best decision for the long term but dread the short term consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
StoicHusband Posted February 5, 2018 Share Posted February 5, 2018 We have been in and out of counseling for three years. It is not working and she seems unable to see her role in our issues. I know both of us have played a part getting to where we are but constantly told everything is my fault. I have taught her how to treat me i guess from my own insecurities early on. Changing this pattern seems to cause more conflict because she isn't getting her way as much or has to escalate her reactions to get me to agree. I cannot live in constant turmoil and need to male a change. Thanks for the input so far. Think i know the best decision for the long term but dread the short term consequences. My best advice, which isn't much... is to determine what you loved about her in the first place. If there's no way to get it back, tell her. I'd suggest separation if there's no way forward in your marriage. When my wife left me, I immediately felt like I had a week left to live. I started living how I should, finally. I am in a different position, but I thought this might be something to consider. In the end, no one can say for sure one way or the other. There just isn't a way to pack that answer into a few hundred words. Only you know. But there is always infinite options. Consider more than one or two. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 5, 2018 Share Posted February 5, 2018 We have been in and out of counseling for three years. It is not working and she seems unable to see her role in our issues. I know both of us have played a part getting to where we are but constantly told everything is my fault. I have taught her how to treat me i guess from my own insecurities early on. Changing this pattern seems to cause more conflict because she isn't getting her way as much or has to escalate her reactions to get me to agree. I cannot live in constant turmoil and need to male a change. Thanks for the input so far. Think i know the best decision for the long term but dread the short term consequences. If you don't get strong and stop getting manipulated and walked on your life won't be worth living unless you want to live like a total doormat. The only one that can keep you where you are is you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StoicHusband Posted February 5, 2018 Share Posted February 5, 2018 If you don't get strong and stop getting manipulated and walked on your life won't be worth living unless you want to live like a total doormat. The only one that can keep you where you are is you. And there's a couple of ways to do that. It's not unreasonable to tell her you won't tolerate a few things (hitting, name-calling, yelling). This is standard adult stuff. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 5, 2018 Share Posted February 5, 2018 Once you give away control over your life it's extremley hard to get it back. Talk won't get you there. Actions can if you have the fortitude. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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