Setting myself up for more pain....

[Donburi]

Well, FINALLY I had started doing NC until a few days ago my ex-bf texted me about school. I ignored him a bit (why I never blocked him? because I'm a hopeful idiot, duh!) and he knew I was and so he kept pleading. We are going for the same degree, and just a few classes away from it, and so he had some questions. We had taken all the japanese classes together offered at the University and he found out our sensei was offering one more class, and asked if I would like to sign up for that. With him. I thought about it for a while, and decided that it might not be so bad. It certainly wasn't a bad sign that he wanted to take a class with me, right? And I am interested in the language very much....so why not? He also offered we take the other classes left together, too...

 

 

 

Ok, so I meet up with him last Tuesday to head to school (we carpool) and we meet up with our old classmates, laughed, talked to the teacher, good times. We head back to his place afterwards, hang out some more, his friends come over because they planned on playing a new game, and thats when I told him I was going to head home ( I wasn't particularly interested in the game, and wasn't in the mood to sit around bored) he kept asking if I was sure, offered to teach me how to play, but I went home anyways. Did not mention the relationship at all, and kept on a cheery face.

 

This morning I drive over there (Tuesday he asked me to come over a bit earlier so we can eat at one of our regulars) and it almost seemed like old times. After school, we drove back to his place again, and thats when I popped the question. Well, many of them actually. He still isn't sure, and what I basically got out of it was the reason why we would not get back together is if his feelings for me do not return. He says he cannot look at me the same way, and wants to be friends for now in order to build back trust, which he has little at the moment. He has he still has feelings for me, but its not the same. He wants the trust to come back, and the feelings to come back, and then he would be ready to date. Sounds reasonable. But then he will say things like "after what you did I'm surprised I still talk to you" or "You really don't deserve a chance". He still is not interested in dating anyone and when I ask if he would be willing to give me a second chance he will say "maybe" or "we'll see."

 

Well, after the long talk we hang out for a bit more, mostly me sitting on the bed listening to him play his keyboard. He would give me smiles and ask me to pick which songs to play, which I thought was nice. Then he had to go to a concert, and says we should go to our usual restaurant again before class and will call me tomorrow.

 

So...instead of doing NC, which is something I should be doing, I will now be seeing him twice a week for school...arghh...why do I have a feeling I'm going to regret this? And why do I insist on being as hopeful as I am?!

[Donburi]

...anybody?

 

He says the first step for us to get back together is for me to earn his trust back. Does that sound reasonable? Its been five months since we broke up... What can I do to show him that I'm trustworthy? I have to do it as a friend....

[Gottabestrong]

I think there is no guarantee that you will get back together, but he is offering you his friendship.

 

If you can stand it I would advise you to try be his friend, but not such a close one. If you are always around, how can he miss you?

 

If you carpool and have two classes together per week, then you see each other quite often. Try to make as many plans as possible with other people, to have a full life without him and so you can honestly tell him you are busy when he asks you to hang out.

 

Hang out with him once in a while, but not that often. Don't bring up the relationship again, but be cool around him.

 

Let him find out for himself that he wants more than friendship from you.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Donburi]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

I think there is no guarantee that you will get back together, but he is offering you his friendship.

 

If you can stand it I would advise you to try be his friend, but not such a close one. If you are always around, how can he miss you?

 

If you carpool and have two classes together per week, then you see each other quite often. Try to make as many plans as possible with other people, to have a full life without him and so you can honestly tell him you are busy when he asks you to hang out.

 

Hang out with him once in a while, but not that often. Don't bring up the relationship again, but be cool around him.

 

Let him find out for himself that he wants more than friendship from you.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

Thank you, Gottabestrong.

 

I actually had the opposite idea in mind, these past five months we probably only saw eachother once every one or two weeks, and only spoke on aim. Since that did not seem to have an effect on him, I thought him seeing me more (the way it used to be) would spark something...I dunno. Your idea makes more sense, now that I think about it.

 

So, is it really possible for some people to just want to be friends with their ex, nothing more? I know some people do it out of pity or a possible backup plan, and though I was paranoid of those being the case, I do not think he is that type of guy. For what I did he shouldn't have any pity, and he has never kept in contact with ANY of his other exes before.

 

I am just really hoping he is doing this "friends" thing as a foundation for rebuilding our relationship...Well, actually, he said that himself, so I should correct myself and hope that he is being sincere.

 

It just doesn't make sense to me if he really didn't want to give us another shot...why invite me to a class with him where I will see him twice a week for one semester? Maybe it is possible he just wants to be friends? I just don't understand...

 

P.S. He just called to invite me to a concert...I am so confused! If he didn't want me back, and intended on dating others when he was ready, doesn't he know having me around will ruin his chances with other girls?! I don't understand ANYTHING that is happening!

[Donburi]

Just a quick update...just a 'lil one.

So, I'm taking a class with my ex now. See him twice a week, carpool, go to a hour 1/2 class, hang out a bit afterwards. Not too bad, right? Well now I have ANOTHER class with him. =\ We are taking the same classes because we have the same degree. After a year of dating (we dated for about 3 'n a half years, broke up 5 months ago), we decided we wanted to move to Japan together to teach English...we are both currently working towards that goal, just not too sure if it'll be together or not... =\ Anyways, I'm taking Biology on a certain day, he is taking it another day. All of a sudden, he yellow cards into MY class, because his class is at a campus that is too far...? (even though I'm 90% sure he was aware of where it was when he signed up for it...) So now I have TWO classes with him. So much for my LC plan. =\ I mean, am I reading into this too much? Am I being paranoid again? I just find it a bit odd...Before we split, we used to take ALL of our classes together (which was a no-no, we both realized that now) and I had become extremely dependent on him and he used to ALWAYS give me crap about it (in a nice way, at least). Last semester I finally took some classes on my own and it felt great. He was proud of me. But now, we're falling back into old habits...'cept we're not together right now. Does this mean anything? I mean, there ARE other Biology classes he could have yellow carded into...or maybe not. I dunno! Perhaps I am being too hopeful...once again.

 

Oh yeah, and the "friend" who was involved in this whole situation, 'member him? (the guy who I became good friends with, had feelings for, made a move on me, ex walked in to see it, who hated his gut and swore he would never talk to him again??) Yeah, they're on ok terms now. =\ I personally don't mind too much, if they can get past this and salvage their friendship, hey, more power to them. I personally don't see myself being this guy's friend again, but whatever. Last Wednesday after class we stopped by a buddy's house who lives near the campus and the "friend" happens to be there. (the two have talked once or twice on aim, and on my ex's b-day the friend called to say a quick hello) They exchange a few words, and the three of us ended up playing a quick round of a video game together. Afterwards, a bunch of us (us three included) went out to dinner (we took two cars and my ex whispered to me saying he didn't want the friend to ride in his car) but when we get there the two are laughing together and talking about things of the past and whatnot. It was a fun night, one I had not had in a long time. The "friend" talked to me also, and made jokes with me, which was awkward at times, but there were some moments where it almost felt like we were friends again.

My still claims he doesn't want to be friends with him, not now if ever, but I find it hard to believe. Either he cannot act the way he truly wants to around this guy(my ex is known to be quite the passive type) or he is not telling the truth.

And what is our situation? Still no clue. Ex is still givin' me the "I don't know, we'll see what happens" line. =\ Frustrating, but I have to keep reminding myself to be thankful for what I DO have. Not many people could do what I did and still have their ex not only keep in contact with them but consider giving them a second chance. So...yay? Hard to appreciate now, but if someone told the me four months ago that my ex would take two classes with me I would've have been shocked.

 

So, since NC is obviously not a option anymore...any advice at what I should do for best chances at roconciliation? I don't bring up our relationship much anymore...and is it just me, or are the things he is doing (taking classes with me and hanging out with me) a good sign? I mean, I'm probably reading into things too much but if I dumped my ex and had no desire of getting back together I don't think I would take a class with them. =\ Unless I wanted to stay friends...but that wouldn't be too good for a future bf...hmm...I'm confusing myself! Look at how dumb I am! Isn't it obvious how badly I need all of your advice?

 

Thanks for your time!