I hate my life and need to know how to change it... ! Warning, long

[Soak]

I am a 48 year old gay female, and boy do I hate my life. I hate the lesbian scene and how people only make friends with other people because they're all "gay". They b!tch and carry on about each other all the time and try to steal each other's girlfriends... Then they stand back and judge if one of them wants to bring a potential new girlfriend into the fold, and you feel that you have to satisfy these horrible lesbians in order to meet somebody, when all you really want is a stable and secure relationship. I just can't seem to reconcile that I do not fit in with the "gay scene", yet I am gay and want the same things that everybody else wants - love, belonging, security and happiness.

 

I am employed casually, earn a pretty good income when I choose to work, and most people would say that I am fairly attractive (other people's comments, not mine), though it counts for nothing if you're unhappy on the inside. I do not smile on the inside and look pretty miserable for the most part. Even I think so.

 

Problem is, I hate my life to be honest. I am not happy... I do value and appreciate life though, but am just not happy in it. I guess in the past I have been let down a lot and have made some really bad choices - and in writing this, have just realised that i have not had a stable life for some time, and that I let people walk in and raid my life.

 

Though i do value and appreciate life itself, i despise what my life has become: lonely, desperate, lack of direction, no conviction, no sense of purpose (this kills me), hate my job and don't feel like i fit in where i live.

 

I actually really hate my job, but my anxiety and depression is stopping me from finding other employment right now, and to be honest, I hate the line of work I am in and really don't want to do it anymore, hence why i do casual work (same line of work, but can say yes and no to work as it arises).

 

I feel like i am approaching 50 (well, I am!!) and that my employment prospects will be greatly diminished when i do this. Hiding in casual work for the past few years has probably not helped this situation.

 

Most importantly, i feel i have no direction in life or no value or purpose. The reason I started casual work was just for the money, but I have eroded any sense of purpose or conviction I have in creating a vocation. I feel empty.

 

I read about people who sought their passion and are truly happy with what they do job-wise, which drives home how unhappy I really am. I'm happy for them, but am wondering what their formula is?

 

- Do you give up everything and soley focus on what you really want to do, despite the risks and odds? I know what i want to do, but the field is populated with people half my age and I am worried about an age bias, but if i never try, i will never know right?

 

- What about the financial responsibilities? I have savings, but have always prided myself on my earning power and being financially secure and to give this up would be challenging, but difficult (but in a way, excites me because what have i got to lose?).

 

- How do you start? Do you just "stop" doing everything that is making you miserable? If somebody asked me how much of my life i would want to change, i would say 80% - my vocation, my living arrangements, my health, my mental health, my resilience. Lately i have been taking days off. This amounts to almost two weeks, i don't get paid for it. I am starting a course next week, so will receive income support from the govt, which i will subsidise with minimal income. In total, my earnings during this course this year will equate to under half of what I would normally earn. My overheads are low and as i said, i have some savings, though I wouldn't want to spend more than $2000-3000 of it during this year.

 

- How do these people who appear to be happy and thriving get there? How?

 

I am reading a book at the moment about "living your truth" and I think the premise is that by living your truth, you will find better, healthier ways to live your life.

 

Problem is, I don't know where to start. It's like some contorted mess.

 

Sorry if this is all confusing. I've kind of dumped it on the page and thank you for reading if you have come this far.

Edited February 5, 2018 by Soak

[Happy Lemming]

Personally, I fell into my career after taking the SAT tests, many, many years ago. I very much liked my vocation and have just retired, happily.

 

I might check with your local college or local college advisor. They may have a test that will point out your strengths and weaknesses, thus point you in a direction. I'm sure a college advisor can tell you what vocations are in demand in your area.

 

Is there an off-shoot (something similar) of your casual employment that might interest you. Again, a college advisor may have some ideas that you haven't thought of.

 

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice on your "gay scene" issue. I'm not qualified to comment.

 

Just my two cents...

[Soak]

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice on your "gay scene" issue. I'm not qualified to comment.

Just my two cents...

 

Thanks for your response Lemming. Hopefully I can be happy too one day

 

I only really mentioned the gay issue as a background so people could know where I am coming from in terms of the fish-bowl lifestyle it creates.

 

I decided today that i am not going to let the lesbians and the ex intimidate me. If they're silly enough to believe her rhetoric, then so be it. I also decided that I'm going to acknowledge the ex if i see her anywhere. Until now, I've allowed her presence to intimidate me and have dreaded running in to her, because she is all over the place, but I now know I've got to face my fears and not be anxious every time i go out that I might run into her. She rejected me, so what?

 

Thank you for your suggestion re- finding related work in a similiar field. I am starting a course in one week (totally unrelated field), and will give it consideration after I finish the course. I think my confidence is at an all-time low and it all starts with the isolation I experience where i live. I hate it, i hate the area and feel trapped. I am paralyzed by fear.. I actually looked online for somewhere else to live today (but won't be able to move till end of 2018 for study reasons), so at least I am doing something.

Edited February 6, 2018 by Soak

[Happy Lemming]

Thank you for your suggestion re- finding related work in a similiar field. I am starting a course in one week (totally unrelated field), and will give it consideration after I finish the course. I think my confidence is at an all-time low and it all starts with the isolation I experience where i live. I hate it, i hate the area and feel trapped. I am paralyzed by fear.. I actually looked online for somewhere else to live today (but won't be able to move till end of 2018 for study reasons), so at least I am doing something.

 

Are there any Community Colleges in the area?? Any within reasonable driving distance??

 

Is there anything that intrigues you?? Science, Math, Anatomy & Physiology, English, Law... Something that peaks your interest?? Any subjects you enjoyed earlier in life??

 

Is your course work something you can expand upon into an entry level job??

[Soak]

Is there anything that intrigues you??

 

Is your course work something you can expand upon into an entry level job??

 

Yes Happy Lemming, the content of this new course intrigues me. In fact, I am enamored by it. It is the only thing keeping me going to be honest. I hope I can convert it into an income once I graduate at the end of the year. I am usually quite determined, but this recent hopelessness has engulfed me. I've got to keep focused on the goal.

 

So, yes, i probably could expand it into an entry-level type of job. Will be funny applying for jobs that 20-30 year olds are going for and at a reduced rate, but I am going to make sure that my work is good, so that when I approach employers at the end of the year, I have something mind blowing to show.

Edited February 6, 2018 by Soak

[Happy Lemming]

Then I will say, try to say focused... Avoid any distractions that will derail you from your goal.

 

And Good Luck!!

[dangerous]

Hi OP.

as a possible inspiration to you, I am 54, divorced after a 27 year old marriage, broke as I lost all my assets in the 2008 crash and currently bankrupt!

I hated my career in sales after 30 years, and suffered depression.

Then around 3 years ago, at 51, I decided to get fit, lose weight, and retrain to be a PT (personal trainer).

Like you said, its populated by 20 year olds and starting wage is minimum rates and long antisocial hours.

Well 18 months later, while I am not rich, I am making a living with a full client book, lots of happy clients and doing something I love almost all of the time.

 

It's not perfect but its not as bad as my previous life. I am enthusiastic about my present and my future.

[Soak]

full client book, lots of happy clients

 

Hey dangerous,

 

Thanks for your reply. That IS inspiring! I can see the link between exercise, looking after yourself and becoming happier. I am pleased to report that over the past three+ weeks, i have ramped up the exercise, which has helped with clearer thinking etc. one thing about exercise is that you HAVE to make it a priority... When that alarm goes off at 6.00am, you have to remind yourself why you're doing it.

 

What inspired you to become a PT? Was it the process of exercising that made you decide? Or, had you decided beforehand?

 

It's quite a story you have, and congratulations on having a full client book! If you don't mind me asking, how did you obtain clients for your PT business?

Edited February 17, 2018 by Soak

[NopeNah]

The 'gay scene' has always tripped me out as a straight male. I've been to several gay bars/clubs(fellas..lot's of straight women go to gay bars/clubs ) with friends and the people/drama watching is insane/funny to me and I don't know how y'all do it! Not being gay,but the games I've seen played,heard about,ect..It really makes being straight and dating look like a cake walk,even though it's not.

 

As for the employment thing.. As a business owner that hated doing mondaine 9-5 'work', I found stuff that interested me. Something to wake up and not mind doing. I mean work is work,but it's not as bad when you enjoy(even somewhat) what you're doing.

[Dutchman1]

Perhaps a weird question, but not meant to be disrespectful.

Have you ever been with a man?

1.The bitchen would be gone,

2.the competition would be gone, and also

3.the worries about any empty batteries, hey, it's just an idea.

But seriously, I think you're doing pretty well, under these circumstances, after all what you've been doing.

 

regards

Dutchman

[NopeNah]

Give this a listen,Soak..

[CantTakeMySmile]

Soak. I am also a 47 year old lesbian who hates the gay scene. I actual don’t partake in it... probably the reason I am single.

 

 

I have a job that pays the bills.. I do ok. I like the people I work with ( but do not hang out with socially). I have just recommitted to working out and eating right. That is my focus now. I need to focus on somethingnso that is it.

 

Maybe try to just find one thing that you can focus on. That one little glimmer of hope,, the thing that makes you smile. It’s in you let your defenses down and you may find it

 

I know this is a bunch of la-la talk buT think about it.

 

I am where you are too... we just have to keep swimming

[Soak]

Perhaps a weird question, but not meant to be disrespectful.

Have you ever been with a man?

1.The bitchen would be gone,

2.the competition would be gone, and also

3.the worries about any empty batteries, hey, it's just an idea.

But seriously, I think you're doing pretty well, under these circumstances, after all what you've been doing.

 

regards

Dutchman

 

No offense at all Dutchman.. Infact, you made me laugh and for that I thank you

 

I actually like blokes more than women sometimes in a general sense.

 

Soak. I am also a 47 year old lesbian who hates the gay scene. I actual don’t partake in it... probably the reason I am single.

 

 

I have a job that pays the bills.. I do ok. I like the people I work with ( but do not hang out with socially). I have just recommitted to working out and eating right. That is my focus now. I need to focus on somethingnso that is it.

 

Maybe try to just find one thing that you can focus on. That one little glimmer of hope,, the thing that makes you smile. It’s in you let your defenses down and you may find it

 

I know this is a bunch of la-la talk buT think about it.

 

I am where you are too... we just have to keep swimming

 

Can'tTakeMySmile... Wow, you could almost be my twin (although my baby twin being 47 and all!). It is so nice to meet (albeit online!) somebody who feels the same way that I do. I can not take it... the games, the horribleness. There must be other strong independent women like you and I out there. If you check back on this thread and feel like responding - with regards to seperating yourself from it, how did you feel when you first did it? I know it can be a lonely experience, but nothing is as bad as feeling alienated in all of that

 

Making the decision to eat right and working out is the best thing you can do, and it sounds like you are doing it for you and nobody else. It is the same for me. You will find that your quality of life dramatically improves: your mind will feel better, you will sleep better and you will make more rational decisions (not saying you were ever irrational, but I know myself that I feel more clear-headed). AI think the most important thing is the commitment though. Us humans secretly like to be committed to something. Maybe your next step could be to tap in to what inspires you, if you haven't already? Read dangerous's story above.

 

I am pleased to report that things are starting to look up a bit, but it is something I work on every day. I remind myself EVERY DAY about what my focus is.

 

Give this a listen,Soak..

 

Thanks Praying4Daylight

Edited February 20, 2018 by Soak

[CantTakeMySmile]

[

 

 

 

Can'tTakeMySmile... Wow, you could almost be my twin (although my baby twin being 47 and all!). It is so nice to meet (albeit online!) somebody who feels the same way that I do. I can not take it... the games, the horribleness. There must be other strong independent women like you and I out there. If you check back on this thread and feel like responding - with regards to seperating yourself from it, how did you feel when you first did it? I know it can be a lonely experience, but nothing is as bad as feeling alienated in all of that

 

Making the decision to eat right and working out is the best thing you can do, and it sounds like you are doing it for you and nobody else. It is the same for me. You will find that your quality of life dramatically improves: your mind will feel better, you will sleep better and you will make more rational decisions (not saying you were ever irrational, but I know myself that I feel more clear-headed). AI think the most important thing is the commitment though. Us humans secretly like to be committed to something. Maybe your next step could be to tap in to what inspires you, if you haven't already? Read dangerous's story above.

 

I am pleased to report that things are starting to look up a bit, but it is something I work on every day. I remind myself EVERY DAY about what my focus is.

 

 

 

Well, it happened so gradually that it went unnoticed really, until I became single! LOL. I think that tends to happen a lot. I moved about 30 miles from the "scene" and my friends involved in such scene with my ex gf about ten years ago. We broke up five years ago and I kept the house. So.. it just kinda happened. But, I am so glad it did. I see some of those girls my age acting like they are 20 still, and living the life of one as well. That is just not me. I do feel a bit alienated, but I also like being by myself. (well, and my three dogs).

 

 

I have a few friends who I vacation with, but as far as having one on one with people. I don't really have that. I like to do a variety of things so that keeps me pretty busy.

 

 

I know I "should" get out and be social more...but right now, I am content.

 

 

I hope everyday is getting better with you! Sometimes it is certainly hard to make your way through without succumbing to the "scene", but damn... that crap gets so old!!! LOL

[Soak]

I know I "should" get out and be social more...but right now, I am content.

 

No, you shouldn't! If you're content, stay that way.

 

 

succumbing to the "scene"

 

Hell would freeze over before I dipped my foot in that rubbish again. Not that I ever intended to... Good intentions to socialise and all has made me realise that there are those that are addicted to the "scene" and will never leave it, because they are too insecure.