Finally slept with a year-long crush but...

[Sandwoman]

If you want casual sex then I think it's important not to sleep over or cuddle too much afterward, or do the breakfast thing. That sort of thing always pushes toward a closer relationship.

 

I think you want more than that and you were not honest with him when you said no expectations. That is why one poster said you tricked him into sex. I wouldn't go that far, but you did mislead him into thinking you would be ok with something you are not.

 

 

Going forward.

 

If you want more than to be a an occasional booty call you're going to have to reach out to him and find a way to let him know what you would like.

 

If you do this, there is a very real possibility he will reject you. But which is worse: the pain of being rejected but knowing where you stand or the pain of being almost always disconnected from someone you care about?

 

 

Thanks! I honestly didn't think about expectations before we had sex...and I honestly don't think it will turn into a booty call situation...He asked me to stay over and offer to cook and everything...should I send the email?

[BluesPower]

Thanks! I honestly didn't think about expectations before we had sex...and I honestly don't think it will turn into a booty call situation...He asked me to stay over and offer to cook and everything...should I send the email?

 

Just chill and see what happens.

 

I am not sure that it will matter either way. But I have to ask, if he is that uptight about "getting too close" or "being in a relationship" is that someone that you want to be with.

 

I know for me that at some point of just sleeping around that I understood that I really wanted a relationship, and when I found someone that I hit it off with, I went for it.

 

Wait a day or two more and see what happens is my advice...

[Cookiesandough]

I agree with chill and see what happens. Some people have little-to-no chill in them(myself included) and casual sex is therefore probably inadvisable, but I'm sure you get that.

 

NGL, it seems like after sex has happened, men who think the woman probably wants (or deserves) more than he wants freak out and run away. They know what sex means to a lot of women and so they back up slowly and creep out quietly hoping no one notices.

 

Once the dust has settled, guilt subsided, and they see she is cool with casual and not just saying that, they often return. Just guessing, but I can see this happening. He may not, but odds are high he will. I think the letter will scare him/push him away more than anything.

Edited February 7, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Imajerk17]

What if I shoot him an email...

 

Hey, how’s it going? Hope you are having a productive week. Hmm...I was just thinking about what happened the other day (not sure what your thoughts are…) Do you want to communicate? I think you are right that ambiguity might unnecessarily complicate our already precarious lives…let me know what you want? We can discuss or whatever.

 

OP I wouldn't send the email. I mean if you already sent it, don't stress, but there is no need.

 

He isn't interested. (sorry) Three days no communication after sex...c'mon. And there is no need to talk about expectations yours vs his ect. All that is besides the point really. If he WERE interested in anything--casual or serious, he would be a lot more proactive about communicating with you than he is.

 

You're best just letting this one go.

Edited February 7, 2018 by Imajerk17

[lurker74]

Just curious - before you had sex, when he was in town and you were in town - how long would go with you two not communicating?

 

If you'd go a week ante-sex, and you both said no expectations, going a week post-sex doesn't seem like a crisis level event nor is it necessarily true that "he's just one of those guys."

 

If you texted/spoke most days ante-sex and then post-sex he goes dark, there's something about the event that he didn't like...you, the sex, the commitment...something. Normally I'd say just drop it but since you've known him so long, were I you, I would have a talk with him and clear the air. And then NOT have sex with him again.

[dumbass2]

Thanks. I'll try to calm down. Before the sex, I really wasn't thinking about the relationship... The next afternoon after him cooking and everything, and we were cuddling and was getting a little heated. I felt differently and attached and said "I feel like this is a bit fast, I thought we were just friends..." He said, "we can take it fast or slow." Then we had sex again and I left...Did i say anything wrong?

 

Why would you say "I though we were just friends". Just friends don't have sex unless it's a FWB which you don't want. Let it sit another day and then message him something simple like " hey, how's your week going? How about doing something together this Sat?" It might work better to see if you can talk about your feelings in person. This stuff through email can easily get misinterpreted.

[Sandwoman]

Just curious - before you had sex, when he was in town and you were in town - how long would go with you two not communicating?

 

If you'd go a week ante-sex, and you both said no expectations, going a week post-sex doesn't seem like a crisis level event nor is it necessarily true that "he's just one of those guys."

 

If you texted/spoke most days ante-sex and then post-sex he goes dark, there's something about the event that he didn't like...you, the sex, the commitment...something. Normally I'd say just drop it but since you've known him so long, were I you, I would have a talk with him and clear the air. And then NOT have sex with him again.

 

We never really texted except for logistics and holiday greetings. We don't communicate much except on those "dates" we meet we'd talk a lot - academic ideas, the professional world, interests, childhood, random stuff, etc (except relationships...we are both very shy) I think he uses his phone mostly for work and doesn't post social media. He's really not an expressive person, always super polite and reserved.

[Imajerk17]

Just curious - before you had sex, when he was in town and you were in town - how long would go with you two not communicating?

 

If you'd go a week ante-sex, and you both said no expectations, going a week post-sex doesn't seem like a crisis level event nor is it necessarily true that "he's just one of those guys."

 

If you texted/spoke most days ante-sex and then post-sex he goes dark, there's something about the event that he didn't like...you, the sex, the commitment...something. Normally I'd say just drop it but since you've known him so long, were I you, I would have a talk with him and clear the air. And then NOT have sex with him again.

 

I am sorry to say but this is just not true at all.

 

About EVERY guy on the planet understands that if he disappears for a few days after sex with a woman--especially after first-time sex--means noninterest. He also gets that the woman will be quite likely to lose his number and write him off completely.

 

And disappearing completely on the part of the guy is incredibly disrespectful.

Edited February 7, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Sandwoman]

Why would you say "I though we were just friends". Just friends don't have sex unless it's a FWB which you don't want. Let it sit another day and then message him something simple like " hey, how's your week going? How about doing something together this Sat?" It might work better to see if you can talk about your feelings in person. This stuff through email can easily get misinterpreted.

 

That was confusing...because we have been friends for a year and never did anything physical...so it felt a little strange and maybe we should take things slow...that's just what I said. I also made clear I don't want FwB and he said he didn't either. I kind of assumed that means we started sort of dating? maybe he's confused too.

[Sandwoman]

He was kind of surprised that i said i wouldn't mind ambiguity, wanted to keep things private, and really have no expectation. In the end I said let's take things slow and I thought we were just friends. He said we can take things fast or slow...

 

I'm not completely surprised that he didn't text me...That's how we have always been interacting...we'd go silent for days/weeks even after those really nice "dates." He's always been very careful in not addressing personal emotions (if he has any).

[smackie9]

Thanks! I honestly didn't think about expectations before we had sex...and I honestly don't think it will turn into a booty call situation...He asked me to stay over and offer to cook and everything...should I send the email?

No email! hang out with him again...you need to do this face to face.

[smackie9]

just me but, when people have known each other for awhile, then things start to happen, usually the truth comes out and one or both confess their feelings. This is what should have happened, but you pretty much were stepping on the brakes, so I can see why he pulled away. He's waiting for you to make a move....this mexican stand-off s&^* is ridiculous.

[Cookiesandough]

Thanks! I honestly didn't think about expectations before we had sex...and I honestly don't think it will turn into a booty call situation...He asked me to stay over and offer to cook and everything...should I send the email?

 

'Booty calls' can still get breakfast and cook together. The primary goal is sex, but being that these are human beings who tend to crave more than that (like food, companionship, etc), you can see all kinds of lines blurred in these arrangements.

 

This guy may not be(and sounds unlike) the booty call sort of guy. Therefore, his chances of returning are lower, but not gone. But I think if he was romantically interested he was romantically interested he would have taken the opportunity to reach out after sex to start something. Every romantically interested guy knows that's his cue

 

You were insistent you were cool with casual and he was surprised. He may be waiting to see if that's where he can and wants to go.

[Sandwoman]

just me but, when people have known each other for awhile, then things start to happen, usually the truth comes out and one or both confess their feelings. This is what should have happened, but you pretty much were stepping on the brakes, so I can see why he pulled away. He's waiting for you to make a move....this mexican stand-off s&^* is ridiculous.

 

I did confess my feelings...before the sex..I said I thought he didn't like me and almost deleted his number after he didn't follow up our last date. He ghosted me. He said no, he was always here he was just hesitant for career reasons and he did like me. I was like ok...

[Sandwoman]

'Booty calls' can still get breakfast and cook together. The primary goal is sex, but being that these are human beings who tend to crave more than that (like food, companionship, etc), you can see all kinds of lines blurred in these arrangements.

 

This guy may not be(and sounds unlike) the booty call sort of guy. Therefore, his chances of returning are lower, but not gone. But I think if he was romantically interested he was romantically interested he would have taken the opportunity to reach out after sex to start something. Every romantically interested guy knows that's his cue

 

You were insistent you were cool with casual and he was surprised. He may be waiting to see if that's where he can and wants to go.

 

agree...I don't think it's likely he'll turn it into a booty call. I know he respects me very much as a friend/professional (and his friends, his parent's friends too, who are my professors) and we share the same very close circle. He could have easily got any booty call without risking the connections/reputations...

[Sandwoman]

I think what really may have happened here was that we both know the mutual attraction has developed for a while (a year...yes), but he's been hesitant for the reasons he expressed (or not expressed). He knew I liked him and was anticipating things to happen and also disappointed and upset when they didn't in previous times. He felt in order to keep me in his life (as a friend/ potential partner I don't know), he was obliged to take things further so I don't end our friendship? But he really is worried he's not ready for a relationship right now and things end anyway.

 

It could be a tricky situation.

Edited February 7, 2018 by Sandwoman

[dumbass2]

Just see if he wants to get together again and then discuss things. Trying to get to far into it over text/email is not a good idea IMO. You did give the vibe of taking things slow, so I'm he might be in the same boat as you right now. You won't know though until you talk and then see what his words and then actions are.

[Interstellar]

He’ll contact you in 5-9 days, if he doesn’t. Shoot him a phone call instead. Listen to the tone and voice inflection. This is important.

 

E-mails get lost and I don’t even check mine.

[olivetree]

From everything you're written, I don't think this guy is all that interested in a relationship with you.

 

Regardless of whether or not his disinterest stems from not feeling it or a fear of commitment, etc, it doesn't really matter.

It's not exactly working, is it?

 

I'd chalk this up to a ONS and focus on dating men that don't leave you confused and guessing.

This guy sounds like a waste of time and mental energy.

[Whodatdog]

I think its pretty simple. You are already emotionally invested, and he isnt. You are already thinking relationship-wise, and it sounds like he's thinking dating-wise, which is casual. Not necessarily FWB or booty call, but just dating. You are way ahead of him in this.

 

I agree if he were interested in a relationship, you would have known by now.

[olivetree]

He’ll contact you in 5-9 days, if he doesn’t. Shoot him a phone call instead. Listen to the tone and voice inflection. This is important.

 

E-mails get lost and I don’t even check mine.

 

Maybe, but where does that leave her?

 

Interested men don't disappear for long periods of time after seeing you.

 

They don't take 5-9 days to contact you after sex.

 

Be prepared for more of the same.

[Usename12]

If a guy is interested in you, you never have to initiate or wait long. Never. If you are a catch, he will want to lock you down before another guy does. Anticipating seeing you again will be on his mind, not "yeah, whatevs".

[olivetree]

If a guy is interested in you, you never have to initiate or wait long. Never. If you are a catch, he will want to lock you down before another guy does. Anticipating seeing you again will be on his mind, not "yeah, whatevs".

 

Yeah in most of my past relationships, I didn't initiate dates even once before we were bf/gf.

 

And against what a lot of men say they will do, they asked me to be their girl before we even slept together.

Edited February 7, 2018 by olivetree

[Ruby Slippers]

I also made clear I don't want FwB and he said he didn't either. I kind of assumed that means we started sort of dating? maybe he's confused too.

Dating is when he asks you out on nice dates and makes them happen. You assumed that having sex with him would pull from him the desire to date you - but it didn't. I'm sorry, I know it must be emotional for you, but objectively it's clear that this guy is just going along with the situation because you're throwing yourself at him - right into his bed.

 

He could have easily got any booty call without risking the connections/reputations...

*sigh* Hopeful female "logic". Yes, he probably could get a booty call, but he expressed to you the night you had sex that he's more serious/relationship minded, while you assured him you're cool with "ambiguity". In other words, you offered yourself up for sex with no strings, when what you really wanted was dates and some kind of meaningful effort on his part.

 

A lot of men won't have the strength to do what they know is right in such a situation and refuse sex served up on a platter by the woman. If he were a perfect man, he would have refused your advances. But few men (and women) are anywhere near that.

 

Now you're even more emotionally attached and he's remained detached. I hope this all works out OK for you, but I feel like you can't see clearly and are going to get your feelings hurt. Do you have a good friend you can talk to about this? It helps.

[KBarletta]

Thanks...I honestly don't think he meant it as an ONS...and I don't want things to get weird...do you think the email above is ok?

 

Personally I think the email is a bit formal and goes into more detail than necessary. It's not the worst thing in the world, but I'd be a bit more casual so you're not putting too much pressure out there.

 

I would text him something casual as I suggested, asking to meet up. I wouldn't even discuss what happened between you other than to say you had a good time.

 

I think the email you suggested is a bit formal and the questions you ask might put pressure on him unnecessarily. I'd just text him something short and sweet and put the ball in his court to respond if he wants to see you. Then I'd drop it until you hear from him, don't chase him. Let him respond and if he doesn't you'll know everything you need to know.

 

That's my 2 cents.