Newlyweds but have trust issues

[brokenHeartLad]

Please help all

 

This is a little long and I apologise.

I’m looking for some advice and opinions regarding my new wife as I have exhausted all avenues and I’m tired- oh so tired. there are issues that we haven’t resolved and struggling to fix.

 

To put things into context- I met my current wife around 5 years ago. At the time I was going though a difficult divorce having only been married 5 months to my ex wife.

 

It was a great escape for me at the time To be dating someone so wonderful. It really helped me heal and come to terms with the devastation of my divorce. I soon fell in love with my partner and things were progressing very well in our relationship. We continued seeing each other for a couple of years then we decided to move in with each other ( at her parents house- her parents worked abroad and had the house free) for a few Months before we bought our first house. We both have degrees and professional jobs ( she does earns more than me and her family are well off -while mine are not as well off as hers)

 

I proposed to her two years ago and and we have recently got married in a wonderful ceremony with friends and family all there. Now we are talking about having a family.

 

It all seems that things should be great but there are things that are causing friction.

 

During the time of living at her parents house I found out many things that my wife has since said she is ashamed of.

 

First- she received many emails from a chap that didn’t hold back on how he can’t wait to do all manner of sexual things with her. ( in graphic detail). I happened upon that email as her phone had lit up and with the message! I was devastated.

I decided to investigate this further and I found out that this man had been an affair partner of hers. She denies ever sleeping with him during our relationship but after many arguments ,lies and denial over many years she finally admitted to cheating on her ex partner ( who she dated for 5 years and had a house with) and that she had cheated on him for the entirety of their relationship.

 

The affair lasted over 8 years!

 

She also did many sexually explicit photographs and movies of herself that she would send to him over the internet. I saw these images and it made me feel so Ill that sometimes I can’t breath. The affair was seedy and sordid.

 

What makes things worse is that this man works in the same company as her to this day.

 

My wife may have gone through some emotional times after her breakup with her ex but I found out that after he breakup she slept around with married men and even slept with one of her friends. I saw the the sexually explicit messages and photos while investigating the affair.

 

My opinion of her fell of a cliff but I love her dearly. And she does me too.

In arguments I keep bringing up her past. I have developed trust issues and have become Insecure.

 

Tried counselling and it ended up in an argument with my wife. Most of the time we are fine but in the back of my mind I can’t seem to shake it out and move on. There is a male friend that she has known for a long time and she sees him often through a volunteer club in the week. But they email each other constantly while at work. This drives me crazy. I have female friends but I don’t email every day.

 

There are many things that my wife has lied about and I think that she is a very lusftull women. It concerns as she doesn’t seem to care much about sex with me. As newly weds we sometimes don’t have sex for a month. It makes me very frustrated and sad. It makes me feel unloved.

 

Does having an 8 year long affair make you a horrible person? Is it true that once a cheater always a cheater?

 

I really want to move on from this and look forward to a happy future with my wife and a family. :,(

[somanymistakes]

Does having an 8 year long affair make you a horrible person? Is it true that once a cheater always a cheater?

 

Well... that depends on your definition of horrible person. There are a lot of nice people who have some serious personal flaws.

 

At best, someone who had an eight-year affair clearly has serious issues with being truthful, and prioritises their own happiness over doing what's right.

 

Which suggests that in the future, if they see a chance to get something they want for themselves, without telling you about it? They will probably choose to go for what they want and not care whether it affects you or not.

 

I get the feeling that you want to 'make up for' your first marriage failing by clinging to this new relationship against all odds and proving that you're there for her through thick and thin. That's great, but it doesn't work very well if SHE isn't there for YOU.

 

My opinion of her fell of a cliff but I love her dearly.

 

You can't have a good marriage if you don't respect her. (I'm not saying you SHOULD respect her, either, but.)

 

Basically, this sounds like your subconscious already knows that this relationship is a terrible idea, but you're refusing to listen to yourself and just pressing ahead in the hopes that everything will work out.

 

You met her on the rebound from a painful divorce. You weren't thinking clearly. You've never given yourself the time to be on your own and really think about what matters for a relationship.

 

Your wife may or may not be flirting too much with her male friend. She may or may not cheat with him in the future. Nothing is guaranteed.

 

But unless she has DRASTICALLY learned and changed from her past behavior, this is going to end in tears.

 

You're barely married and you're already miserable and not having much sex and feeling unloved. Don't let that sad feeling make you so desperate to keep her that you refuse to see what's in front of you.

[brokenHeartLad]

Hi somanymistakes

 

thank you for reading and taking time to reply.

I think there is truth in what you say- for some reason it hurt to read it. - I have no one really to talk to about this or to get an opinion.

 

You might be right that this relationship was a rebound. I have heard that some rebounds work out great and I still hope that my relationship will work.

 

I have a bad habit of overthinking and thinking the worst of my wife. Though in turn she can be very selfish and verbally abusive. I don’t help the situation sometimes because I just want to talk about things while she is quite happy ‘forgetting’ about things.

 

The deception and affair she had while with her ex partner has shown me that she does have some personal flaws - though if it wasn’t against me do I have a right to be mistrustful of her?

 

Do you have any advice on how I can build trust with her and shake the feeling that she hasn’t changed? There is no guarantee I guess someone will

Change but I would like to believe she has!

[NomiMalone]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. None of this sounds very hopeful.

 

If trust is out the window, your relationship is effectively over.

 

Can you imagine living with these doubts day in day out?

 

And the message you read from the guy saying he "can't wait to do things to her" - sounds like the 2 of them have already arranged to meet for sex.

 

I've recently ended a relationship too due to a suspicion of cheating on boyfriend's part, and his tendency to flirt with women in general. Better to get out sooner than later.

[GoldenR]

So she's crazy sexual with everyone except you, her husband?

 

Sounds like you're her safety net, and I wouldn't be surprised if she's cheating on you. People don't go from being hyper sexual to asexual like that.

[brokenHeartLad]

Hi goldenR

 

I have often wondered the same. How can someone go from sleeping around and instigating all these sexual encounters to no longer wanting it anymore. In the past I pressed the issue and asked her why - her response was that she no longer needs to have that kind of sex and is content with me just how it is.

 

It does bother me that She may not be attracted to me in that way - ( she has denied this as she says she does find me attractive )

I can understand that she may have been in an emotionally messed up place that she did what she did and is no longer like that. Still it makes me wonder what is wrong with me that she rarely wants to be intimate.

[harrybrown]

She has no energy for your marriage.

 

She is texting some other guy and not you.

 

She is still cheating with several people and has she been tested for stds?

 

has she taken a polygraph that she is not cheating on you?

 

Is she letting you see all of her texts? have you talked to the other man's wife?

 

how about her work ? she will text someone else and not you.

 

She is having sex with someone else and not you.

 

no way to live. She stops having the affairs or you stop with the marriage.

 

Do you have kids?

[brokenHeartLad]

Nomimalone - I’m sorry that you had to go through that - the feeling of doubt to the point that the relationship is over must be horrible.

Those message were from a little while ago when I was living at her parents place. So maybe 2 years ago?

I asked her to message him last year when he emailed again and I asked her to tell him never to message again. She did but only the following day at work.

 

I have always wondered why she didn’t email him straight away when I asked her too .

Part of me suspects she does speak with him.

 

She called me once while at work and told me she saw him

In the canteen and she walked away back to her desk. Now she doesn’t eat there any longer and takes a lunch with her. Well that’s what she tells me anyway.

[road]

So she's crazy sexual with everyone except you, her husband?

 

Sounds like you're her safety net, and I wouldn't be surprised if she's cheating on you. People don't go from being hyper sexual to asexual like that.

 

Divorce her.

 

She is broken.

 

She has not gone NC with her past OM.

 

She wants sex with other men but not you.

 

She see's you as the safe beta drone that provides her with a

house and other material needs.

 

You are married to her. Though that does not make it a

marriage.

[brokenHeartLad]

 

 

She see's you as the safe beta drone that provides her with a

house and other material needs.

 

You are married to her. Though that does not make it a

marriage.

 

 

 

But she earns more than me and comes from a wealthy family though.

 

Perhaps your right though. Maybe she likes that I provide her with stability but not the passionate sex was so used to with those men

[road]

But she earns more than me and comes from a wealthy family though.

 

Perhaps your right though. Maybe she likes that I provide her with stability but not the passionate sex was so used to with those men

 

Her wealth has nothing to do with having a beta male drone

for a husband. Your income adds to the family wealth. Having

more wealth is never bad.

 

You are there to kill the spider, mow the lawn, take care

of the cars, man stuff. You provide concierge service.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Brokenheart, really sorry to read your story. Quite frankly, looking in from the outside the picture is very grim. Your wife is a deeply flawed woman and just as you cannot expect a leopard to change it's spots so can you not expect your wife to now walk the straight and narrow when she does'nt know how. She needs an anchor in her life to keep her from going completely round the bend. You are that anchor. As long as you are around she will be stable enough to continue having her affairs and wild sex to satisfy her flaming sexual desires without going off herrial rocker because you ate there. Remove yourself from the equation and she could easily end up in an institution or something.

 

You thought she was a Godsend for you when you were undergoing your divorce but in actual fact you were the Godsend for her. With your emotions all haywire she pounced on you and cemented her relationship with you to get what she wanted. Maybe you were overawed with her material wealth and thought you were the luckiest guy in the world. However, there was a reason she was still single when she could have been married years ago. Did you ever ask her why she broke up with her previous SO with whom she hung out for five years? Did you never question her about her reasons? Maybe that guy saw through her machinations and bailed before tying the knot. Others have given you invaluable advice. The very fact she is barely having sex with you while in the Honeymoon phase of your marriage is testament to the fact that she is getting her rocks off elsewhere. This lack of trust that you are talking about is your gut scream

ing at you to sit up and take notice. It is entirely up to you what you decide to do. However, if you stick around with her be prepared for the fact that you may be raising other men's kids and that your wife is going to be regularly sleeping around. If you can accept that hen you can possibly have a satisfactory relationship with your wife. Just think about it. Best wishes.

[BluesPower]

Get out now...

 

She is still lying, that much you know. You are the safe beta boy for her.

 

And by the way, she is still sleeping with the guy at work. And odds are, she is sleeping with others as well.

 

You need to grow up and learn from this.

 

Get out now...

[brokenHeartLad]

Hi Brokenheart, really sorry to read your story. Quite frankly, looking in from the outside the picture is very grim. Your wife is a deeply flawed woman and just as you cannot expect a leopard to change it's spots so can you not expect your wife to now walk the straight and narrow when she does'nt know how. She needs an anchor in her life to keep her from going completely round the bend. You are that anchor. As long as you are around she will be stable enough to continue having her affairs and wild sex to satisfy her flaming sexual desires without going off herrial rocker because you ate there. Remove yourself from the equation and she could easily end up in an institution or something.

 

You thought she was a Godsend for you when you were undergoing your divorce but in actual fact you were the Godsend for her. With your emotions all haywire she pounced on you and cemented her relationship with you to get what she wanted. Maybe you were overawed with her material wealth and thought you were the luckiest guy in the world. However, there was a reason she was still single when she could have been married years ago. Did you ever ask her why she broke up with her previous SO with whom she hung out for five years? Did you never question her about her reasons? Maybe that guy saw through her machinations and bailed before tying the knot. Others have given you invaluable advice. The very fact she is barely having sex with you while in the Honeymoon phase of your marriage is testament to the fact that she is getting her rocks off elsewhere. This lack of trust that you are talking about is your gut scream

ing at you to sit up and take notice. It is entirely up to you what you decide to do. However, if you stick around with her be prepared for the fact that you may be raising other men's kids and that your wife is going to be regularly sleeping around. If you can accept that hen you can possibly have a satisfactory relationship with your wife. Just think about it. Best wishes.

 

 

Hi just a guy.

Thanks for your reply. A lot of what you say makes sense. I did see her in awe when I first met her and I was at a very vulnerable point in my life. My wife does have issues that is for certain.

I did ask her what happened with her ex partner and she said that he was very strange and didnt communicate. She said that their sex life was practically non existent. Apparently he had a job where he was put into situations where is life was in danger ( think emergency services). As a result he would come back from shift solemn and wouldn’t talk. But I’m not sure how much of that I believe regarding not talking.

 

Im very concerned that she seems only content to fall asleep in my arms and not be intimate very often especially in this honeymoon period.

 

Wife used to have every second Friday of from work and that time she used to cheat on her ex. Now she doesn’t ha e that time off so I doubt she has the time to cheat? If she does it mud be during work hours? Is that possible?

[rickwman]

I believe in second chances. Share each others expectations honestly. Is there respect, forgiveness, caring between you two that can develop into something long term again? Time will tell. She needs to stop all communications with any other guy that may damage her marriage. I'll pray that wisdom and peace will fill you both as you experience this second chance.

[BluesPower]

I believe in second chances. Share each others expectations honestly. Is there respect, forgiveness, caring between you two that can develop into something long term again? Time will tell. She needs to stop all communications with any other guy that may damage her marriage. I'll pray that wisdom and peace will fill you both as you experience this second chance.

 

No offense brother... but are you kidding with this post? Really.

 

She is most likely screwing her old AP, not really old AP because that affair never stopped.

 

And, if that was not enough, she I most likely screwing several other guys, based on the red flags in OP's original post.

 

And you want to give that a second chance?

 

Help me to understand??????

[Maddieandtae]

Would you consider that you really are in the honeymoon stage? Living together before marriage maybe took away from the traditional sense of honeymoon for her? Also another factor possibly is age and maybe her hormones have her off kilter...it does happen and can kill the highest sex drive to practically zilch.

 

Did you have talks about deal-breakers and if so was past cheating one of them? It sounds like it is for you regardless and you should end the marriage instead of thinking she is cheating currently. It will drive you mad.

[Maddieandtae]

How do you not understand? Don't you have a past? I'm certain you shared your own history here.....

 

 

"Help me to understand??????"

[Lowrider93]

Hey Lad

Most of what has been suggested I have to agree with, just a few things

to add from my experience.

My ex had parents that were wealthy also, not stinking rich,

but very comfortable. In my case I can believe that my ex

wanted her father to see that she was stable family oriented.

In her teens she was rebellious and she and her dad clashed

pretty badly. Do you think you are for show just to project

an image to her family for her sake?

The phrase entitled is used to describe spoiled brat kids,

have them kids grown up?.

[dichotomy]

I went thought something similar in my second marriage with my wife./

 

Even if she was not having sex with this man (or others) while with you - she was engaging in emotional affair/cheating on you - or other forms of betrayal to you by remaining connected in allowing this kind of sex talk.

 

I suspect she is NOT turned on by monogamy and a single committed relationship. Marriage is not for her.

 

Given her past behavior - She must at a minimum have no contact any former lovers - tell her you would consider this cheating- if this means changing jobs so be it

 

But lets get to the bottom line - besides "loving her" why not divorce ? Whats the loss for you - the downside in dumping her and finding someone else to loved? List the reasons why staying with her benefits you in the short and long term?

Edited February 8, 2018 by dichotomy

[BluesPower]

How do you not understand? Don't you have a past? I'm certain you shared your own history here.....

 

 

"Help me to understand??????"

 

Maddie, please explain your question? I hate to be so dense.

 

But I don't get your question?

[Maddieandtae]

I'm certain I read that you had affairs in your past and if I'm correct how can you not understand forgiveness?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Brokenhearted, in answer to your question at the end of your last post I have to respond in the affirmative. Cheaters will cheat in any circumstances and dyed in the blood cheaters like your wife who you have caught lying on numerous occasions will do it under your nose if need be. She cannot help herself. It is part of who she is. So do not blame her for her behaviour. Blame yourself for putting up with it and do something about it.

 

I wanted to ask you why your wife's parents are working abroad and for how long have they been doing so? How old is your wife and how old are you? If your wife's parents have been abroad for long who brought up your wife, or was she with them till she started working or was she palmed off to some relative who could not be bothered bringing her up as their own child? All these factors could have had an effect on how your wife has matured as an adult and how her sense of ethics have developed. Point is you can do nothing to change all that now. You can only control your own future. Please do so. Otherwise you will be dragged through hell and back before you come to your senses. Warm wishes.

Edited February 8, 2018 by Just a Guy

[Mr. Lucky]

I suspect she is NOT turned on by monogamy and a single committed relationship. Marriage is not for her.

 

To me, this is it in a nutshell. As her husband, you meet her emotional needs but not her sexual ones. Want to see your future? Look at what happened to her last long-term partner - how'd things turn out for him ?

 

Doesn't make her a bad person but it does make her a very poor choice as a spouse. Save yourself years - maybe decades - of heartbreak and self-doubt.

 

Be honest with her but head for the door...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

I'm certain I read that you had affairs in your past and if I'm correct how can you not understand forgiveness?

 

This is not about forgiveness... this post is about a man that was stupid enough to marry a woman that saw him as a safe beta boy.

 

She lured him in with stunning amazing sex, and he fell for it. Almost the oldest trick in the book.

 

She is actively in at least one affair, the "8 year affair" never ended. She is still sleeping with that guy for sure, they still work together.

 

Who know how many other guys she is screwing.

 

This about him understanding what he has done, and getting out of it ASAP. Taking some time to WAKE THE H*** UP AND GROW THE H*** UP, before he so much a looks at another woman.

 

This has nothing to do with her past, it is about what is going on right now.

 

This is not about forgiveness...