OLD 'confession' cuz it makes me feel guilty

[nospam99]

Folks who have noticed my posts know I've had more than the usual success with OLD. So I can't and I'm not complaining about it as a total package. (I still dislike a lot about the way the various sites work/their business models. But that is another issue.)

 

But I have to confess that one particular part of the process makes me feel bad/guilty. And what I'm about to write about has been mentioned, at least in passing, several times at LS: failure to respond to messages.

 

I get plenty of no responses. When I get no response to a message I send that is a 'wanna meet?' message, I assume that the lady has no interest in meeting me. The reason doesn't matter. She just doesn't want to meet. I move on.

 

But the shoe gets on the other foot, too. FWIW I happen to be seeing a woman I met through OLD right now. But this morning I got a second contact from another woman who, tbh and brutally at that, doesn't pass my looks filter. I have not and almost certainly will not respond. I could truthfully respond with 'I'm seeing someone'. I could even give that response as a lie were I not seeing someone. But the REAL truth is that there is no spark, without meeting her simply based on her photos. And I feel more comfortable, even that somehow I'm being kinder, just to not respond. It doesn't stop me feeling sympathy on some level for this woman, and the several others, who are lonely enough to be reaching out to men and undesirable enough that they need to.

 

Sometimes life sux. I appreciate LS being a place where I can vent about something like this, thinking that at least some people reading it will care. Thanks

[alphamale]

we do care nospam99

[road]

But the shoe gets on the other foot, too. FWIW I happen to be seeing a woman I met through OLD right now. But this morning I got a second contact from another woman who, tbh and brutally at that, doesn't pass my looks filter.

 

Second?

 

Second as the second person to contact you?

 

The second time this ugly lady has tried to contact you?

 

I had tried to approach very attractive women when I was

young. Rotary dial technology age. No OLD.

 

I would like to try now that I am older. Though my wife

will not let me do so. Even after I told her I wanted to do research

to see how things changed between now and then. You know,

only for scientific reasons.

 

Back to you. My stalking err I mean attempt at courting these

"10"s quite often left me with receiving the drop dead stare

from them. I just let it go. Move on to the next very attractive

woman, repeat, then rinse, then repeat.

 

Now if I was to click on a very attractive woman's profile

and I did not hear from her I would know that when she saw

my profile she gave her laptop the look of disgust that us men

received back in the day when we dared to reach out of our

league live and in person.

 

Her lack of response would mean that I lack in what I bring to

the table to get her to close the deal and date me.

 

How would her emailing me:

it's me not you

I don't fell the chemistry

there's no spark

your a nice guy but I thing of you as a really good friend

I don't have time to date now

 

There is no way that she can say in a kind way that will make

me feel less rejected. I know from her not responding to me

is that I did not meet the grade for her.

 

Now if a man was to ask a woman out in real life, meaning

face to face it would be nice for her to be direct and kind

in telling me no way.

 

I know that if I was using OLD I would not be willing to

date a woman just because she liked my profile. Just as

women would not want to date me.

 

These women that would hear nothing from me have to know that

the reason is I do not want to date her. Just as when I would

know the reason I did not hear back from women that I liked.

 

So continue to be ignore and accept when you are being ignored.

[nospam99]

Second?

The second time this ugly lady has tried to contact you?

 

To answer the question, this second time. And I wouldn't call her ugly, just 'plain'. I can best describe my filter as 'cute for a 60 y/o without being overweight'. Of course 'hot' and/or 'beautiful' (AND Lori Greiner ) easily 'pass', too. The 'hots are more likely to 'no response' (or no second date) me than the 'merely cutes' are. No surprise.

So continue to be ignore and accept when you are being ignored.

 

Of course. Starting the thread was more about how I feel about myself for ignoring. Maybe I should have been Catholic.

[grays]

this woman, and the several others, who are lonely enough to be reaching out to men and undesirable enough that they need to.

 

This idea is a little disturbing. Should we women be seeing men as pathetic and obviously lonely and undesirable if they reach out to us? Or that's just their rightful role? Men should reach out and try to get what they want while women should wait and quietly hope the one we want might notice us? Yikes. I'm having the time of my life with my current boyfriend who I approached about five months ago. I guess I need to count my lucky stars that he didnt just tjink I was lonely or undesirable just for the fact that I found him attractive and was bold and excited about life enough to make **** happen.

[Jj66]

I read a study that showed that it's important for women to reach out on OLD. Future relationship satisfaction after some period of time (do not remember the number of months) was higher when the woman made initial contact.

 

Not only is it ok for women to reach out, it has been scientifically proven to benefit them. They should be reaching out.

[nospam99]

This idea is a little disturbing. Should we women be seeing men as pathetic and obviously lonely and undesirable if they reach out to us? Or that's just their rightful role? Men should reach out and try to get what they want while women should wait and quietly hope the one we want might notice us? Yikes. I'm having the time of my life with my current boyfriend who I approached about five months ago. I guess I need to count my lucky stars that he didnt just tjink I was lonely or undesirable just for the fact that I found him attractive and was bold and excited about life enough to make **** happen.

 

Touche. But ....

 

Neither did I play 'the pathetic card' nor was I referring to all women who reach out, only to who are ALSO (by my standards) physically unattractive. I can't recall ANY women who I would categorize as attractive who have messaged me first on OLD. On the other hand, several attractive women, my current dating partner included, have 'Liked' or 'Yessed' me, less of a 'reach out' than a message. Most of those Likes and Yesses were 'geographically undesirable' (I still think that's a GREAT euphemism for 'too far away'.).

 

And, grays, I'll call you for being snarky with the comparison to men reaching out. Because I'll assert than men are ALWAYS expected to 'make the first move'. We are, often painfully, aware that it's, as you suggest, just our 'rightful role'.

 

I'm willing to 'bury the hatchet'.

[grays]

There's no hatchet to bury. Im not upset with you personally. But I have very much enjoyed being the master of my own destiny since my divorce 3 1/2 years ago. Its a great feeling that I can see what I want and make it happen nine times out of ten. And I hate to think that what I should be doing is just waiting patiently because otherwise I will be seen as possibly undesirable just for letting it be known that I have desires.

 

This is like the idea that only unattractive women try to please their partners in bed. If I'm really into a guy I feel like I want to consume him and that turns into a really fun sexual energy for me. And I swear to you, it always crosses my mind at those times that maybe if the head is too good or if I actually **** him back he's going to grade me down on looks because only unattractive chicks do that. If a guy is great in bed and attentive to his partner I'm pretty sure we're all supposed to see him as manly and even more desirable.

 

You just happened to hit my raw spot.

[Jj66]

As for the OP, guilt completely out of place. Ignoring a message on OLD is the right way to communicate lack of interest. Think of it the same as unreceptive body language in real life.

 

OP, why do you believe you are of such low value in the dating world that any woman contacting you would have to be desperate? If you really are a "catch" as you imply then of course some women are going to contact you.

 

When I was on I got dozens of messages from women. Most of which I ignored because I wasn't interested or I was already seeing someone, or maybe I didn't have the bandwidth for a new conversation. I'm not the kind who drops people in the middle of a conversation when something new and shiny comes along. Yes, there were some who came off as maybe overly optimistic but not a single one seemed desperate.

 

The messages were always polite, and usually thoughtful. Nobody sent an angry message when I didn't respond. If we men, showed the same decency in our communication, the world of OLD would be a much nicer place.

[Cookiesandough]

[...]

Sometimes life sux. I appreciate LS being a place where I can vent about something like this, thinking that at least some people reading it will care. Thanks

Well it's nice to see a man acknowledge how hard it is to turn someone down and how opting to ignore them oft seems kinder. There is really no nice way to turn someone down and it hurts like hell if you have any empathy at all. Absolutely understand.

 

As an aside, I thoroughly enjoy road's posts. Content and verse structure

Edited February 7, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[nospam99]

OP, why do you believe you are of such low value in the dating world that any woman contacting you would have to be desperate? If you really are a "catch" as you imply then of course some women are going to contact you.

 

I plead not guilty to low self-value. I wouldn't go so far as to call myself a 'catch' (If I find the LTR I'm seeking, I'll try to charm the 'lucky'(?) lady to sign up here and post that. ) though I do get (what is by most reports) a high response rate (40%+) to my sent messages. I posted what I did because I observe a) that effectively all unsolicited messages I have received (cf again Likes and Yesses) have been from unattractive (to me) women (exceptions are VERY transparent romance scams, escort marketing, phishing, and catfishing) and b) one particular woman who I have no interest in messaged me today for the second time resulting in me ignoring her message AGAIN.

[Chilli]

Yep know exactly what you mean the guilt kills me too although God knows why.

 

Mine had this 3 day thing if you didn't answer in 3 days it all just cancels and l must admit l let a lot of them just go to the 3 day thing.

Other wise l have to say something but when l'm just not interested l feel bad .

l did try it both ways and answered a few, still feel bad .

One messaged me 3 times everytime the 3 day thing ran out she message again.

ln the end l had to tell her thanks but no thanks.

[Cookiesandough]

Some people almost seem to take glee in it and doing it in the most cruel manner conceivable. I remember I was out at bar with girls I barely knew and this drunk guy walks up with the cliche “how are you beautiful ladies doing?” And they all give him a dirty look and say “get away...ewww”’and as he leaves one says loudly “get the * out of here!” They all started giggling and I wanted to hide under the table. That is so cringe and cruel. Why do that? And I’ve heard women talk stuff in the bathrooms. Come on...

 

Ive never felt pity for anyone who asked me out, but I am surprised enough to try to be as respectful and nice as possible when I decline. It’s almost always flattering and nice. I think that’s why it’s so hard to say “thanks but no”....

Edited February 7, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[PegNosePete]

When I was using OLD I had no problem not responding to messages. Not just because "it's the done thing" but because I feel no response is the best response if you're not interested. And I preferred it if my messages went unresponded rather than sending a rejection, too.

 

Why? Well, when you receive a message you get an email saying "you have a new message!" or whatever. You go to the site excitedly, log in, read the message, only for it to be thanks but no thanks. What a let down. Even worse if you have 2 or 3 responses and they are all thanks but no thanks.

 

Nah, better to just not respond. Then when you have a "you have a new message!" email, you know it's something good!