Me and my (ex)stepmother so messed up.

[Adotta]

So this is going to be a long one. I intend on starting from my childhood and working my way up.

 

My parents had an extremely messy divorce that was a battlefield. Some of my first solid memories are the divorce. They very much stuck me and my brother (fraternal twins) in between them. Always asking what we want and what our thoughts where. My mother took it a step further and basicly tried to use us as a tool to win. My father was very much more comforting and understanding. My and my brother are twins but it was always me making decisions for the both of us and him just following my lead. I decided I wanted both my mom and dad and his new wife in my life so I told my brother to tell them we wanted both.

 

Life continued and seemed alot better. A more stable life at my dad's did wonders for me and my brother. My stepmother treated me like her own son or so I believed. My mother on the other hand was a party girl who went through men like tissues. She was ALWAYS DRINKING.... still is and now it's killing her slowly. I remember holding her so many times as she puked and cried and talked about men. She seemed desperate for a man and would drop us at home for an entire night to be with them or go bar hoping. Me and my brother where pretty much wild animals at her house. She never cleaned and we had lots of dogs. At times to get around the house you would have to step around dog crap. I liked the freedom to stay up as late as a want and wonder the city like riff raff.... but I really started resenting my mother. I wanted her love more then ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. I would demand she buy me things and she would oblige. But things are not what I really wanted. At my father's I was a model child. Straight As clean room respectufull bedtime and all that.

 

I started to really resent my mother. Resentment turned to hate when I learned the only reason my father won custody of us was he payed my mother off. She took child support and ALLOT OF IT for not taking us! My mother was ALWAYS a materialistic person... still is. I think she believed she could buy our love or that spoiling us while running off all the time would be good enough.

 

I started looking at my stepmother like she was a goddess. What a real woman is. I idolized her.

 

Somwhat along the way my father started also crawling into a bottle. He had no time to play or do anything with us. At one point when the marriage started going south he openly admited he cared more for my stepmother then me and my brother. I know I can't blame him for that but it still hurt.

 

As my father crawled more and more into a bottle I saw alcohol as the enemy. I hated ANYONE who drank. I lost all respect for my father and also started hating him. But here was my stepmother who still loved us. I don't know when or how axactly it started but I become very attracted to my stepmother. I was maybe 12 years old when I first noticed my obsession. I dreamed of taking her away from my father and starting a life with her.... stupid I KNOW.

 

During this attraction where we where a broken family I started to very much perv out for my step mother. Sneaking around master baiting with her underwear peeping. At first I thought I was being smooth and sneaky but after being caught ALOT peeping I realized she knew and did nothing to stop or talk to me about it. This continued for years. When I was about 15 I stopped doing it so sneakily and just started openly pursuing and touching her. She never really stopped me or told me I was wrong. As time went of her ignoring the situation turned into her initiating. When I was about 16 it had turned completely sexual. We started thing normally. Regular sex. It quickly ramped up. Domination and Secret blowjob and me eating her out while my dad was in the garage drinking. It was like we where playing with fire and we enjoyed it. I felt remorse for my father but told myself he was weak and pathetic. She never really talked about love or whatnot. There where no future plans. She stopped being a mother to me and was now my secret girl. I was madly in love with her but did not talk about it much because she always got uncomfortable.

 

Well that relationship ended with a close call. My father came home early one day and so nearly caught us in bed with eachother. I was in the master bathroom cleaning up and she just got out before me. He asked why she was in nothing but her panties around me and why I was using the master bathroom which I normally don't use. She fed him a story about me wanting to use the jacuzzi bathtub combo after her and of course she doesn't care if I see her naked I'm her child. He was angry that day. He never talked about it at all to me. But I could hear the arguement. Not the details but I could here them arguing.

 

After that day I was basicly a stranger to her. Her words where basicly it's over. It will never work she didn't love me. I pressed for more but a stonewall was all I got. My father even before this had anger issues.... which I share in common with him.

 

Well about six months pass and me and my brother come home from my mom's to find out my dad and stepmother are divorcing ( her call ). That's when REAL regret and remorse set it. I destroyed my father's marriage. I blamed myself A LOT. Me my brother and my dad moved out to some ****ty little apartment and my father's drinking intensified. He would get drunk alot and I would call him a stupid drunk and started hating him all over again for being a drunk. Me and him started fist fighting. I was a big kid. My dad was shorter then me and skinny. I put him through a wall twice and we would end up choking and trying to kill each other. Part of me felt bad and didn't know how to deal with it and part of me hated him for splitting me and my ex stepmother up. I was not a sane person. My very good natured and naive brother suffered the most through this. He was the ref. Always breaking up our fight. He cried ALOT. Grades went to hell and I fight anyone and everyone no matter how tough they where if they dared disrespect me. I even bullied a few people. I got suspended from school more times then I can count. After one particularly bad fight with my dad I called my mother up and told her I'm living with you now like it or not. That's not how it ended up working out. She moved me into my grandfathers and then my brother moved in a few weeks later. He didn't want to be away from me.

 

At this point of my life I just stopped caring. I dived headlong into video games and smoking weed. That was my life. I shunned my mother and father and had no contact with my ex stepmother. This went on for nearly 6 years before I started crawling out of my ****ty garbage filled man cave. I had gained almost 90 pounds and was extremely unhealthy. The last few year have been spent slowly losing wieght and starting my life over. I work for my grandfather now and am 20 pounds from my goal weight. I don't make much money but it supports me a bit.

 

Since my brother never broke contact with her I had seen my ex stepmother a few times during this whole time but I always acted like nothing was wrong. I'm a very good fake and liar now. Always was I guess. She acted like she was still my step mom kiss on the cheek hug ask me about my life but she would NEVER CONTACT ME at all. I got the picture.

 

I thought I was through this. I thought I had worked out my emotions over this and that I would be fine. Untill About two months ago. I was crossing the street near my grandfathers business and she ( ex step mother ) pulled up to the stop light. She was very friendly pulled over wanted to talk a bit. It was mostly normal stuff. How are you doing you've lost alot of wieght. I asked about her job. She says it's good. Blah blah blah. But at the end of our talk she grabs me by the front of my shirt and kisses me on the lips. Says she misses me. I freak out a but and don't really know what to say besides I got to go. She says ok.

 

Later that night she texts me. She always had my number just never really used it besides wishing me a merry Christmas or happy birthday every once in a blue which I ignored. She basicly says she's sorry for making it wierd but that she does miss me. That she's sorry for cutting me out of her life like that and she's sorry if I'm uncomfortable. I cave. We talk. And talk. She's married again. Good guy I've met him once. Owns his own landscaping company he is well off. I don't know how the hell I thought it would be a good idea but I let her talk me into meeting up. We are having sex again. 2 to 3 nights a week she claims to be somwhere else and we meet up at hotel rooms. I'm not nearly as over this as I thought. She professes love for me. She wants to be with me. She's 15 years older then me but I'm still madly attracted to her. She's a beautiful woman. Very smart. Very successful. Says her marriage was for security and a stable place for my step brother. .. did I fail to mention him? I don't talk with him much.

 

This time through I feel more in controll as she's the one chasing me.... but I'm pretty sure that's just an illusion.

 

I don't really now why I posted here other then there is not a single soul I could ever talk about this too.

 

Please don't rip me. I'm not dating and this is the only woman I've ever even slept with. I know it's disgusting. I know it's immoral. But I can't stop.

 

So that's the story. If I think of anything else I'll update. Thanks for listening I guess.

Edited February 7, 2018 by Adotta
spelling

[Adotta]

I guess what I'm asking is, is this situation beyond repair? Is this just bull crap or could there be a future for me and her? She's in my head all the time now. I have vivid dreams about her. Not all of them sexual. Just last night I dreamed about holding her hand and taking a walk. There wasn't any talking and I almost still feel her hand in mine. Using my thumb to rub her fingers. How am I supposed to leave the one woman who I've loved even if it's such a poisonous relationship? I slip between hating myself and wishing I wasn't born to being head over heels happy to be back with her. Maybe it isn't her.. maybe I'm just super lonely. I've never been able to connect to women well and I kinda swore off women for a while. I had a bad view on women and thought of them all as whores.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I guess what I'm asking is, is this situation beyond repair? Is this just bull crap or could there be a future for me and her? She's in my head all the time now. I have vivid dreams about her. Not all of them sexual. Just last night I dreamed about holding her hand and taking a walk. There wasn't any talking and I almost still feel her hand in mine. Using my thumb to rub her fingers. How am I supposed to leave the one woman who I've loved even if it's such a poisonous relationship? I slip between hating myself and wishing I wasn't born to being head over heels happy to be back with her. Maybe it isn't her.. maybe I'm just super lonely. I've never been able to connect to women well and I kinda swore off women for a while. I had a bad view on women and thought of them all as whores.

 

This woman has cheated on two of her husbands now. What keeps you from seeing her this way?

 

I think you realize you have mommy issues since you described your relationship with your birth mom in detail. Have you ever had therapy for this?

 

I don't think a relationship with a 15 year age gap is necessarily out of the question, BUT there is way too much baggage here. You'd have two grown men hating you and probably making your life very difficult if this is something you pursued.

 

You're, what, like 24 or 25 now? You're still quite young to get out there and date an available woman your own age. I think you're infatuated with this woman because she's the first woman you felt love and nurturing from in your life, but there are plenty of other women out there who could provide that for you in a more "pure" way.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm sorry to speak so bluntly to you but your stepmother is a child abuser and a cheater. She is also a very confused person.

 

No, there is no chance for you to have a happy life with her.

 

I am so sorry you have had such a rough life, OP. I know you're not on here asking for sympathy but the adults in your life have failed you miserably though it does seem that your dad tried to save you from a life with your mother.

 

It's very possible that your stepmother was cheating with men in addition to sexually abusing you while married to your dad. I would imagine your dad knew she was unfaithful and instead of confronting and dealing with the issue may have turned to alcohol to escape the mess he found himself in and didn't know how to get out of.

 

Is there anyone, family or friends, in your life that you know and respect that you can turn to for help?

 

I sense that you are a good guy wanting to live a fulfilling life of integrity but never really having good role models.

 

Because of the example of your mom and step mom you probably don't have a good role model to base your opinion and ideal of womanhood on. In order to have a good relationship with a woman you need to experience knowing some women of integrity and having your views of women altered.

 

Can you get with a counselor anywhere at all? Many large churches provide free counseling services. And if you contact your county you will probably find there are counseling services available through social services that you can go to that charge based on a sliding scale according to your income.

 

I commend you on having a job and working. And on trying to sort this situation with your step mom out.

 

You are very fortunate not to have had children yet.

 

Please find some counseling help. Having support to break things off with your stepmom will make a great deal of difference for you and you will get that with a counselor, who won't judge you but will help you through this difficult relationship you have with your stepmom.

 

Please don't marry and have children until you are sure you've worked through the damage your mothers have done in your life. Once you've had children it may be a life long journey for you to recognize the difference in the role of being a child as to that of a parent. You must guard against this type of thing happening to your own children and realize that without help it very well could.

 

Be advised that the boundaries broken that your step mom led you through must be reestablished in order for you to be a loving father one day.

 

You are a victim of sexual and emotional abuse and there are people who will help you heal from this.

[Adotta]

Thanks you for your reply. Both of you. It helps even if just a bit.

 

Living water I never really saw myself as a victim. It was me her pursued her. If was the one pushing her how could it be she abused me? She never forced me to do anything only responded to me. Part of that I guess is I never really looked at myself as a child. I thought of myself as an adult in a child's body or somthing like that. With my totally out of tune brother as a reference, me who seemed to understand a lot more about what was happening around us and I guess I took that to mean I was mature.

 

part of me thinks I may have posted here for sympathy. I cried when you said the adults in my life failed me. I haven't cried since my grandma died. I guess I didn't want to blame my parents for this because at the end of the day a man has to get up and get over that. He can't use a ****ty childhood as an excuse forever.

 

no there really isn't anyone friends or family I can confide in. My grandfather is a hard ass who treats me like dirt. Says everything I do is a **** up. Treats me like I can't even tie my shoes without messing up. I can't talk to my brother who is the only person I think really loves me and has my back because I'm afraid of him blaming me. I tried talking to my cousin about it once and had to backtrack and tell him I was just messing with him when he gave me shock and disgust as a reaction. I don't know why I tried him as an outlet. He is emotional deadwood. He's a cheater and treats women like meat. If my grandmother was still alive I would have confided in her. She's the only other person I've ever trusted besides my brother. She was a saint. she spent her entire adult life married to an abusive husband and never let it affect her. She never would have judged me. But she gone. M.S took her after a 10 year battle through hell and dementia that got worse and worse as time went on.

 

I should look into counseling but money is going to be a factor as I'm as close to broke as one can get. I'm not religious and frankly look at religion as a cheap cop out. I'm sorry if your religious I don't mean to judge you or others. One of the reasons I don't want to do counseling is because in my head I know they WILL judge me. Maybe they won't show it but they WILL think it. I hate thinking of myself as broken and in need of repair. I feel such unending shame at the thought of talking to somone face to face about this.

 

I guess in my life I've learned to deal with issues in one of two ways. Rage or just letting it go. Treating it with indifference. That's gotten allot better and I've had my rage under controll for years but every once in a while there are flare ups. Just last week I shoved my grandfather when he threatened to knock my cousins 1st son out and screamed at him telling him if he ever threaten a kid in front of me again I would knock HIM out.

 

Maybe I am obsessed with my ex stepmother because she was the first and only woman to offer me love and affection that seemed more then skin deep. I remember my early childhood and all I can remember is her being perfect. Kind loving supportive. I feel like I'm the one who messed that up. Like it was me who polluted that relationship.

 

You guys have given me some things to think about.

 

Another question I have is should I come clean to my dad and brother? I have tried to get the nerve up a hundred times to tell my father. He's got his life back on track doesn't drink anymore. Has a new girlfriend who seems kind. We went salmon fishing this year me my brother and him. He seemed very interested in reconnecting but shame kept me from opening up. I feel shame at what I've done and how my life has gone nowhere. The entire time we where fishing he would come up next to me to talk and within 10 minutes I would find an excuse to seperate. Looking for a new fishing spot going to take a pee. Getting a drink.

 

Oh and I'm 27 by the way. Should have put that in the first post.

Edited February 8, 2018 by Adotta

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks you for your reply. Both of you. It helps even if just a bit.

 

Living water I never really saw myself as a victim.

 

Well, you are a victim, my friend.

 

It was me her pursued her. If was the one pushing her how could it be she abused me? She never forced me to do anything only responded to me.

 

Because an adult realizes a child and/or young person is still forming their opinions and beliefs about life and that they are being shaped. That they make mistakes and need guidance. You desperately needed your step mother to help you understand it would be harmful for the two of you to be romantic. I am a divorced woman who appears much younger than my age and am not the ugliest woman on this earth, lol. I have had my sons' friends make passes at me, some of them very good looking young men. It has always been my pleasure to remain off limits to them, no matter my personal circumstances, whether I was feeling needy of affection or not. That is what a woman who is truly loving and supportive does for any young man.

 

Part of that I guess is I never really looked at myself as a child. I thought of myself as an adult in a child's body or somthing like that.

 

Sadly, your mother put you in that situation by behaving like a child herself. In a sense your roles were switched.

 

With my totally out of tune brother as a reference, me who seemed to understand a lot more about what was happening around us and I guess I took that to mean I was mature.

 

You assumed a role that was inappropriate for you because the people who were supposed to fill that role didn't do it, although, as I wrote, it seems to me your dad tried to do so but didn't follow through.

part of me thinks I may have posted here for sympathy.

 

I have no problem with that. You deserve sympathy.

 

I cried when you said the adults in my life failed me.

 

It seems that resonated with you. And I'm so glad for you that you can cry, and did cry. Crying is therapeutic! Somewhere deep inside of you, you know the truth and that's one reason you posted here. You want the truth in your life.

 

I haven't cried since my grandma died. I guess I didn't want to blame my parents for this because at the end of the day a man has to get up and get over that. He can't use a ****ty childhood as an excuse forever.

 

It's healthy not to blame your parents for your choices today but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to understand how their dysfunctional choices have affected you. You're going to have to work with someone to sort things out about your childhood in order to move on, I believe. You are taking too much blame on yourself. That doesn't mean you should do whatever you want to do without conscience. It means you need to take some time to face the truth of your life and learn how to put the pieces together in a way that will ensure the most fulfilling life possible for you.

 

no there really isn't anyone friends or family I can confide in. My grandfather is a hard ass who treats me like dirt. Says everything I do is a **** up. Treats me like I can't even tie my shoes without messing up.

 

I'm so sorry to read this, Adotta. Yes, he's not the one to talk with about it! Good thinking!

 

I can't talk to my brother who is the only person I think really loves me and has my back because I'm afraid of him blaming me. I tried talking to my cousin about it once and had to backtrack and tell him I was just messing with him when he gave me shock and disgust as a reaction. I don't know why I tried him as an outlet. He is emotional deadwood. He's a cheater and treats women like meat.

 

OK, these choices are out, good thinking on this, too. You are a good sound thinker, Adotta.

 

I should look into counseling but money is going to be a factor as I'm as close as broke as one can get.

 

Call your county offices and ask for the contact information of social services. They will help you find counseling you can afford and you may be able to be treated free, idk.

 

I'm not religious and frankly look at religion as a cheap cop out.

 

I believe there are some large churches you could go to and could use their counseling service free of charge if they have a counselor on duty and just tell them you're not religious but that you need help. And they would counsel you.

 

I'm sorry if your religious I don't mean to judge you or others.

 

I don't care if people judge me or not, they will think what they will, and I don't feel judged by you. By the way, I'm not religious per se. I do have a strong faith in God and a relationship with Jesus Christ but I'm not at all offended that you don't believe.

 

One of the reasons I don't want to do counseling is because in my head I know they WILL judge me. Maybe they won't show it but they WILL think it. I hate thinking of myself as broken and in need of repair. I feel such unending shame at the thought of talking to somone face to face about this.

 

Well, that is a sign you're not as bad a person as you think you are! I can assure you that what you have shared in this forum is mild compared to some things counselors have heard. Frankly, the impression I have of you after reading all you've written is that you are a very strong young man who has a sense of right and wrong and wants to live with integrity. And that you have been taken advantage of. I believe that is the way any counselor will view you and your situation. Listen, most of us come from dysfunctional situations in one way or another. Even the counselor you go to will have things he's/she's had to face about his/her life and to deal with. It just looks as if most other people have everything together and perfect lives. Trust me, nothing could be further from the truth. There is no reason for you to feel shame about your life and choices given what you've been through. And I don't see you as someone who is broken. Far from it. Especially with losing all of that weight! Way to go with that!

 

I guess in my life I've learned to deal with issues in one of two ways. Rage or just letting it go. Treating it with indifference. That's gotten allot better and I've had my rage under controll for years but every once in a while there are flare ups. Just last week I shoved my grandfather when he threatened to knock my cousins 1st son out and screamed at him telling him if he ever threaten a kid in front of me again I would knock HIM out.

 

Good that you stood up for that little kid. And good that you realize your rage gets out of control sometimes. A counselor will help you learn ways of dealing with rage that you will be comfortable doing.

 

Maybe I am obsessed with my ex stepmother because she was the first and only woman to offer me love and affection that seemed more then skin deep. I remember my early childhood and all I can remember is her being perfect. Kind loving supportive. I feel like I'm the one who messed that up. Like it was me who polluted that relationship.

 

It seems to me it's natural that you would feel this way about your stepmother and yourself. But, your stepmother has failed you by not being a woman of integrity and helping you, when you approached her, to realize it would be harmful to you, your father, and herself, to become romantically and/or physically involved with you. A woman who cares about herself and others and who has integrity doesn't become physically and romantically involved in inappropriate relationships with men and especially with boys. Sorry, this is all on your stepmother. However, now that you are grown, it is time for you to begin to take steps to take responsibility for it, too, and that's exactly what you're doing by posting here. And will do by going to counseling. You MUST do that for yourself.

 

You guys have given me some things to think about.

 

Another question I have is should I come clean to my dad and brother? I have tried to get the nerve up a hundred times to tell my father. He's got his life back on track doesn't drink anymore. Has a new girlfriend who seems kind. We went salmon fishing this year me my brother and him. He seemed very interested in reconnecting but shame kept me from opening up. I feel shame at what I've done and how my life has gone nowhere. The entire time we where fishing he would come up next to me to talk and within 10 minutes I would find an excuse to seperate. Looking for a new fishing spot going to take a pee. Getting a drink.

 

It sounds to me as if your dad loves you very much and I admire that he seems to be reaching out to you. From what you write, your dad seems like a good man to me. That fact has probably helped you in your life more than you realize. I believe if your father knew your story he would want to be there to help you walk through your journey of restoration from the stepmother relationship with you. But, I would advise you to work with a counselor first, then possibly someday you will feel comfortable enough with sharing what you've been through with your dad. Maybe and maybe not. But, at least you would begin to feel free enough as a person to interact with your dad without this other relationship hanging over you and weighing you down. Is there a possibility you could talk with your father and tell him you have some personal issues you're working through that are really bothering you that you're not ready to talk about with anyone but a counselor now? And ask him if he could help you get into counseling? I mean, maybe he could financially help you? If not, once again, don't let lack of funds stop you from getting help. Social Services in your county or a church with a counselor would gladly assist you, I believe.

 

Oh and I'm 27 by the way. Should have put that in the first post.

 

You are just a young man, Adotta, with a whole wonderful life ahead of you! I believe with your taking the initiative to begin exploring how to pull out of this relationship that seems to be weighing you down you are showing a commitment to a good future life! My responses to your post are in the bolded above.

 

Although I truly believe you can receive much better help from a counselor there where you live I also hope you'll continue to post, if it suits you, about your journey and that we can all support you in it as much as possible. Keep in mind, though, we cannot counsel you as well as one who can sit with you face-to-face and who is trained and experienced. That is a more individualized service that you really will benefit greatly from. I cannot overemphasize the importance for your future of your finding a counselor to work with there.

Edited February 8, 2018 by LivingWaterPlease

[Adotta]

Now that I think about it living water is probably right about my ex stepmother cheating with more people then just me. I've never been able to come to any conclusion on why my father crawled into a bottle. And during and after the divorce in wich he basicly lost everything ( massive beautiful house with a pond stocked with trout 23 acres of great hunting land the best car) There was a few times while drunk he called her a whore and whatnot. I always chalked it up to a spurned lover talk but it kinda makes sense. He also called all women whores and sluts as well a few times.

 

I have this urge to check her phone if I get the chance. Like when she's in the shower. I don't think it's pass coded and I wonder what I would find.

 

She's been texting me like crazy today as all my responses to her have been one word responses basicly. She seems desperate and that makes me feel bad for her. She's wondering what's wrong and I don't know how to tell her. She knows I feel guilty but says I shouldnt. It's like she knows just what to do or say to make me feel like it alright what we are doing. She asks me if i love her and if i do thats all that should matter. Shes really good with words. She's trying to setup a meet for tomorrow and I don't know if I can say no. My brother works half way across the country and I feel so lonely. usually if I'm down I go out for a game of darts with him or we go fishing.

 

Another reason I have trouble stopping is she IS beautiful. Very beautiful. And I have not had so much as a kiss from a woman in 10 years. The sex does makes me feel manly and attractive again. The last time I asked a girl out I got super self concious stuttered a bunch and then got frustrated and blurted it all out. She said she had a boyfriend. She let me down easy. Couldn't blame her I was a good 70 or so pounds overweight back then.

 

Another thing is she's a Christian now. Like hardcore. Her Facebook has scripture on it. How does she do the mental gymnastics to make it seem ok for us to do this?

 

Also if I go no contact with her how am I supposed to reconnect with my step brother? That's one of my goals and has been for a long time. The shame and having to be around her to do this always held me back. But now she's talking about inviting me over and having me back in my little brothers life again. If I cut her off aren't I pretty much throwing that away?

 

Your posts have made me realize there is NO FUTURE for me and her. Anyways how the heck am I supposed to do that anyways? "Oh hey little bro guess who's your new step daddy!" makes me sick to even think about. What the hell was I thinking. There is no future there.

 

I'm sorry for any spelling mistakes or wierd grammer. I'm posting on a phone and these touch screen keyboards are cancer.

Edited February 8, 2018 by Adotta

[DKT3]

There has been a lot of discussion lately here about grooming, this is what I would call grooming. This woman systematically turned a 12 year old boy into a sex toy. In the process forever changing your view on women and relationships.

 

I don't really have any words of wisdom other than saying this isn't healthy and you should think about talking to a therapist to help you out of the situation.

[BluesPower]

Dude, please... this is so messed up in everyway.

 

Look at your age, NOW, I get banging her. I mean I really do.

 

But you have just come out of a really dark place and you are going to this?

 

Brother, you have to get out there and date some regular girls. Girls your own age.

 

If you can choke off your feelings for her, ok bang her, but if you can't for gods sake stop.

 

You realize that you are a plaything for her, right?

 

And you realize that you, unless you go to school or start a successful business, that you are never going to have enough money to keep her, ever?

 

And you realize that you are not going to have kids with her, ever?

 

Listen, you need counseling and you need some REGULAR DATING RELATIONSHIPS WITH SOME REGULAR WOMAN.

 

You realize that, right?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Adotta, just replying to your last post. You are doing some very good thinking!

 

You just really need support there where you live.

 

I will be checking in on your thread.

[Adotta]

I didn't sleep at all last night. I just thought all night and all day. I canceled our "date" for tonight and told her it's over. I'm tired of doing somthing I know isn't right. I'm tired of telling myself I'll deal with it later. later never comes. I'm tired of compromising.

 

She was sad at first. Begging and saying she loves me. I stood firm. she tried to make me a fwb. She said lets leave emotion out of it and just have good sex. I stood firm. I've never done that before. She turned venomous and showed her true colors. I can't believe some of the things she said. Blues was right. I was just a plaything for her. She tried everything in her power to break me. She even threatened to tell my dad and brother. I called her bluff. She has more to lose then I do (her husband or more likely his money). She started crying crocodile tears. She's is beyond manipulative.

 

She's been sending me nudes with texts saying I'll never have beter. Trying to get me to talk to her. I've been ignoring her.

 

Her words where meant to break me but they only made this easier. I see her for what she is now. She's not a goddess. She's not perfect. I told her she needs help just like I do. I told her what living water said about women of virtue and how this never should have started. she only got angrier.

 

After I got off the phone with her I felt giddy. It's finally over. A weight is off my shoulders. I stood my ground! I'm still dealing with swinging emotions. I feel overjoyed at times and so disgusted and sad at others. How can I still miss her? What's wrong with me. I haven't blocked her number yet. I don't know why I cant. I'm a little afraid to sleep. I don't want her in my dreams anymore. I'm so exhausted. Emotionally and physically. This has taken a lot out of me.

 

I'm going to contact some of the larger churches in my area and inquire about a therapist tomorrow. Your all right about this needing to be worked out. I can't ignore this any more. I want to be a good man. one day of straight thinking isn't going to be the end of this. I need help with more then just my relationship with her. I'm not to ashamed or too proud to say that today.

 

I'm struggling with the idea of anonymously informing her husband shes cheating but I don't want to destroy my little brothers life and I'm sure I would get outed with her. She would take me down with her. But doesn't he deserve to know?

 

I can't thank you guys enough. You helped me realize the truth I think I already knew but didn't want to face. I never really expected total strangers to be so helpful. Not a single post was unhelpful. I've read every word of every post here maybe a hundred times and everytime I understand a little better. In particular I want to thanks living water. I don't think I could have done this without the mental kick you guys gave me.

 

I'm going to take this one day at a time and stop blaming myself for everything.

 

TRULY THANK YOU ALL.

 

I DON'T NEED HER! That's what I tell myself when I'm at my worst right now.

 

I'll keep posting here with my progress and any updates.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm glad you're considering counseling, and I hope you'll believe us all here, especially those of us older and wiser than you, that you will not be judged. Therapists have heard it all, and they are TRAINED not to judge. Your story will not be the most salacious they have heard .

 

Don't believe her when she says you'll never have better. PLEASE. You're not even 30. You will get better than her.

 

I'd hold off on informing her husband for now. It just sounds like that would create so much more drama for YOU than you can deal with right now. Maybe get into counseling, get some strength, first.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Adotta, that was an amazing post I just read from you! You are a very strong young man and your thinking is right on target!

 

It's great to read that you're going to contact churches for help with counseling! It will make it so much better for you if you have people there with you, in your corner so to speak, that you can meet with, call and who will support you in your decision giving you guidance, also.

 

As I read your post about outing her to her husband I thought that is the right thing to do ordinarily but in this particular situation it seems to me it would be good for you to get solidly away from her first and to have a strong support system consisting of a few folks who understand what you've been through set up before doing that. I believe your counselor will help you determine when you might be ready for that step and what the right timing would be. Under the circumstances it seems to me that is something that an experienced professional who is right there with you should give you guidance about.

 

I also want to encourage you to seek out a trained counselor when you seek help at a church. The big churches often have trained people. If you go to a church that has a pastor who isn't trained in counseling you may indeed get good help but you may not. It depends on the person. Maybe even check out a couple of counselors at different churches to get one who seems capable. You have a good head on your shoulders. I believe you can make a good choice.

 

You should be so proud of yourself for this decision, Adotta! It made my night to read it! Yes, please do continue to keep us updated! I will watch for your posts and am sure others who are supporting you will, also!

[road]

You said she did not hit on you that it was all you.

 

She knew you wanted her sexually. She let you work your

way into that. That is grooming her victim. She acted as if it

was you that was wearing her down.

 

This is proven by that she did not out right reject you. She

just let things slowly build up. A 30 year old woman does

not let a 15 yo hit on her.

 

Your dad knows that his WW cheated on him with you.

All those arguments for the next six months were about that.

 

He could never buy your step mom's story about it was

ok her being in just panties around you.

 

He just could never prove what he knows, that she cheated

on him with you.

 

You will be in danger the rest of your life of falling back in

bed with this woman. Affairs are highly addictive. You must

stay NC with the step mom.

 

Congratulations on ending things with her, losing weight, working

with your GP. A possible goal is to see if you can help GP grow

the business and when he is ready to let you take it over.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

You are just a young man, Adotta,....

 

This whole reply including comments on the OP's quoted statements--super excellent and beautifully supportive!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

i didn't sleep at all last night. <Snip>

 

high five!!!! Great job on all points!!! Stay strong!!!

Edited February 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LivingWaterPlease]

This whole reply including comments on the OP's quoted statements--super excellent and beautifully supportive!

 

So glad you've joined the thread to support Adotta, HadMeOverABarrel!

[Adotta]

I'm having a hard time sleeping so I figured I'd just get a start on my day and post here. It's 5 in the morning. sorry for not updating yesterday.

 

She's still calling and texting but it's slowing down. My emotions seem a little more in control. I've made arrangements to meet with a counselor at the church almost literally right down the street. I was informed they are a professional. I'll give it a try before drawing conclusions.

 

Going no contact is the next step for me I guess but it will be hard. I've blocked her number half a dozen times and then unblocked it within 10 minutes every time. I hate myself for it but I have to see what she texts. I think I want to believe this isn't real. I want to believe she really cares. if I was just groomed as you guys say what does that make me? I don't want to be a victim I want it to be real. Even if her and I can never be together. I want the emotions she claimed to have for me to be real. I keep hoping all the twisted and awful things she said where just said in hurt. maybe she didn't mean them. I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't know why it matters to me. I have written 3 texts to her then deleted them. asking if she meant those insults. I've been getting shakes while I reread her texts over and over. I have to stop, it's pathetic. I think roads is right but it's hard.

 

I feel like I'm making 2 steps forward and 1 big step back.

 

I haven't been answering her calls or responding to texts at all. I stopped that mid day yesterday. That's one victory I guess.

 

I'm going to get started on my morning jog. It's snowing but what the hell. Jogs always calm me down. It helps clear my head. I'll try to beat my best time today.

 

Thanks for the support guys.

Edited February 10, 2018 by Adotta
spelling

[road]

Adotta, to have total NC you need to not read her messages to you.

Limited contact is not no contact.

[Adotta]

Your dad knows that his WW cheated on him with you.

All those arguments for the next six months were about that.

 

He could never buy your step mom's story about it was

ok her being in just panties around you.

 

He just could never prove what he knows, that she cheated

on him with you.

 

 

Dear god I hope not. That would be my worst nightmare. the thought of the hell my father would have gone through if this is true terrifies me. I guess the possibility is definitely there. But why would he never straight confront me?

 

I DO remember him starting a few of our fights with sentences like "you think your better then me don't you" but that isn't conclusive of anything. I was ripping into him about being a drunk.

 

I really hope my father hasn't been living with this knowledge for the last 10 years. I can't even begin to imagine how bad that was for him.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Your father loves you and wants the best for you, Adotta, from the little you've posted about him that much is clear to me. I believe you and your father are going to be drawn together closer than ever at some point as/after you get counseling. Don't be concerned with his well being right now. He would want you to take care of yourself and that's what you're doing.

 

GREAT that you have gotten a counselor! You amaze me with your clear thinking and your "getting it done" attitude and application.

 

Getting out of this relationship and recovering is going to be a journey so don't beat yourself up about the way you're handling things. One step at a time.

 

I plan to post more later on today answering your post but have an appointment I'm rushing to meet. Just wanted to at least check in on you! So glad you posted. More later!

 

You've got some good posters on board with this thread, Mr. Adotta!

[BTDT2012]

I can't ignore this any more. I want to be a good man. one day of straight thinking isn't going to be the end of this. I need help with more then just my relationship with her. I'm not to ashamed or too proud to say that today.

 

Stay strong, young man. Block her. No contact is your friend.

[Adotta]

So I just got off the phone with my brother. I couldn't tell him what's up but he could tell somthing was wrong. We talked a good bit about life and my plans. Then he suggested I get into line work ( power lines ) like him. The pay is good and he has connects and experience to cut through the bull crap. I would have to travel alot but that could be a good thing. I want to get out from under my grandpa. working for him isnt going anywhere. The more I think about it the more I like the idea. I need to get away. I'll be thinking about this among other things.

[Miss Clavel]

that sounds great! there is nothing like a fat paycheck to cheer a person up.

 

as for telling anyone, i say, do not tell anyone.

 

look up Al-anon. find a meeting, there are meetings everywhere, all over the world.

 

go to a meeting, it's free.

 

then, tell the people there the twisted tale of alcoholism that runs in your family and what alcohol has done to the lives of the people around you. and how it has affected your life.

 

don't worry, the alkies and alonons have heard it all.

 

i mean, i once heard about a women that was drinking and cooking thanksgiving dinner and when she came out of a black out, the turkey was in the crib and her baby was in the oven.

 

another woman, shared that she drank so much when she was pregnant, her daughter has fetal alcohol syndrom.

 

so, as we say around here..we'ver heard it all and whatever we share, stays between us.

 

there is no judgement.

 

i believe that the entire saga of your life can be put down to alkies and addiction.

 

get to the meetings and best of luck..

[Adotta]

[quote=Miss Clavel;7534991

 

i mean, i once heard about a women that was drinking and cooking thanksgiving dinner and when she came out of a black out, the turkey was in the crib and her baby was in the oven.

 

.

 

Was the oven on?!!! Was the baby ok? I've seen my mother do things similar. No babies but still. I had to put out a few fires in my life because of her. First fire I put out I must have been 10 or so. Thank god I knew what to do. last fire was last year at chistmas new uear time. She broke her back while drunk on a dirt bike now she walked like an 90 year old woman. Her liver is failing and she is abusing med as well.