Me and my (ex)stepmother so messed up.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sounds good, Adotta! Glad you're going to the brother's b'day party and can imagine it'll be fun! Also, it seems good to me that you'll be meeting her family. From what you've posted about her it really sounds as if she's a great girl!

 

Good thinking about just chilling and not getting ahead of yourself!

[niji]

A FEW YEARS!!!! Jesus!!! Hell to the no. If you had told me give it a few months with staying friends or let this one go and try again with somone new when things are not so fresh with ex step then I would entertain the idea... but a few years!!!! No no no no. I need sex!! I need companionship.

 

A few years is not a long time in the grand scheme of thing. I guess what I wanted to say was, you can casually date and get to know people, but I would be hesitant on getting very attached/committed within the next year or so. A traumatic event needs time to heal, no matter how "ready" you think you are. I once liked this guy and was gently turned down (my scenario is 1/10000 the magnitude of yours, btw). For the next few weeks, I thought I was over him (in reality I was just numb and didn't know how to react at the time), but soon enough all of the emotions came flooding back and I was a mess for the next 2-3 months. It took me a few months to get over someone I liked but never got involved it. I'm not saying you would take as long as me to process any grief, but it's an example of the time frame it generally takes to heal. A few months for something as insignificant (compared to yours) as mine, so it's not unreasonable to expect a few years before you can complete heal (or as much as possible) from this manipulative yet childish woman who basically took over your late childhood/all of your teenage years.

 

Like Livingwater said, we're not professionals so can't advise you on time frame and stuff like that... do bring her up with your counselor and see what s/he thinks.

[Adotta]

Just checking in.... I feel like I owe it to you guys a bit to check in once in a while.

 

Things are going great for me. My ex step mother has kept her word and not contacted me. It's still just the first week or so.... so maybe that will change but honestly I don't care anymore.

 

The new girl is still blowing up my phone with texts and call and I'm loving it. We talk A LOT. she actually joined me on 2 jogs of mine. she's pushing to spend more time with me. I'm keeping it simple for now but the draw to ask her out on some romantic date is killing me. For her and my sake I'll at least wait till my councilor wieght in on this before taking it further. We are still doing the friends who are just a bit more then friends dance for now..... whatever that is lol. Her brothers birthday is tomorrow and I'm pretty nervous. I actually went out and bought a few new sets of clothes for this party as most of my clothes where at least a little baggy.

 

The further I get from that messy situation the better I feel!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks for the update, Adotta! Sounds good and great that you're working with your counselor on moving ahead!

[l8estnews]

As a 28 year old, this thread gave me a lot to think about. And I really feel so invested with you, Adotta Hope you continue to post here. You might not have a family that cares for you but there are KIND people out there who will help you. You can consider us, even if we're virtual. Hope you can get out of this dark place already as I know how that feels.

 

I sometimes forget that even if at 27-28, we're still young to think about ending our lives or thinking that all we experience now are just all there is to our lives.

 

There's a bend in our road. Whenever I am suicidal, I always think about my life as a book. I can't blame God (The author of my life) if I stopped midway of my story. He'll basically have an excuse to say that "you didn't let me finish writing your story!" so if let's say we die sad or still the same, at least I have now all reasons to yell at him in the afterlife

[Adotta]

Best news thanks.

 

Thankfully I've never been suicidal. If had a thought or 2 about it but it was mostly just curiosity. What would it feel like what happens after sort of thoughts.

 

In the end for me I've always thought " why kill myself? " even at my worst times there have always been fun to have. Even if my life was **** there was always somthing I could do for a little fun. So even a mostly **** life if better then no life at all.

[Cullenbohannon]

Based on what you have written your father may have been suicidal. You are in denial if you think he didnt know.

 

Part of growing up is making amends for past wrongs. You will never heal until you address the issue with your dad. If he passes before you talk to him, you will regret it. This I speak from experience.

 

You do not have to fully confess. He knew or strongly suspected. Men have a silent way of giving forgiveness. A deep meaningful hug usually does the trick. If he is reaching out to you, he wants to forgive. Please consider it.

[JuneL]

If anything, I think his father probably feels deep guilt for putting his son through all that. It seems the father needs forgiveness more. He married a child molester and exposed his sons to such trauma.

Edited February 27, 2018 by JuneL

[Adotta]

Based on what you have written your father may have been suicidal. You are in denial if you think he didnt know.

 

Part of growing up is making amends for past wrongs. You will never heal until you address the issue with your dad. If he passes before you talk to him, you will regret it. This I speak from experience.

 

You do not have to fully confess. He knew or strongly suspected. Men have a silent way of giving forgiveness. A deep meaningful hug usually does the trick. If he is reaching out to you, he wants to forgive. Please consider it.

 

Your right of course. In all likelihood he does know. But as long as I never talked about it and he never talked about it I guess I felt like he would never really KNOW know.

 

Here's an example

 

My mother was doing crack for a few years when I was about 13 (she put an end to that somewhat quickly from what I understand) and I even found the crack pipe ( it's sad that at that age I knew it was a crack pipe ) she denied , said it was a friends. I got angry. I was sure she was using crack but a part of me wanted to give her the benifit of the doubt. A year or 2 later my cousin actually confirmed my suspicion and then I was really pissed. I was mad at her for lying back then. I felt like a fool even though I knew the truth anyways. Doesn't that tell me that somewhere inside of me even though I had almost concrete evidence I still wanted to believe?

 

Could it be the same for him? Couldn't he know..... but not KNOW KNOW. As long as he doesn't have to face evidence and irrefutable proof then he can always believe at least a little that he was just being crazy or overly suspicious.

 

It seems to me that people are stupid. They will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true.

 

I'm beyond afraid ( not physically ... although he does have guns.....) of his reaction. Im afraid of this all spreading to other people. My feeling for my ex stepmother are mostly gone. She is a very sick person. But my guilt towards my father is NOT gone. If anything it has only amplified. This is my problem moving foward and also something my therapist wanted to talk about as well.

 

I cant.... I just can't look him in the eyes and admit it. I've been in front of him a few times just trying to start the talk. I always get this feeling like there is somthing in my throat. like my throat went dry. I get so close to saying what I have to say then pull back at the last second. It's cowardice. It's avoiding conflict. I know it is but I just CAN'T do it.

 

This wasn't just sex with my stepmother. It was beyond that. What we did was NOT normal. We didn't do anything physical that was too freakish ( besides sleeping with my stepmother ) but we where into S&M. She liked it.... I liked it. I liked dominating an older woman. I liked the idea of stealing her away from a father I had come to despise. There was a power dynamic to all of it that I still don't fully understand today.

 

I don't enjoy typing this but it's a large part of the knot in my head holding me back from talking to him about this but I have to face it eventually. If I can't tell anonymous people on the internet I'll never even be able to begin telling him... so here goes.

 

I used to have her compare me and him. I don't want to go into disgusting detail as I'm pretty sure you get the idea. But I would ask her to compare me and him alot and she was always happy to answer me. We would snicker and do things behind his back. It seemed like half the fun of the relationship was the doing it behind his back. We would rip him apart and laugh. Looking down on him was treated like an aphrodisiac to us.

 

I'm not the same person I was then. I see how twisted and sick that is. BUT HOW THE HELL am I supposed to look him in the eye after that?! If he doesn't get the whole truth. If all he gets is a clean sanitized "yes we had sex" isn't that a lie of omission? even if he doesn't know the details I DO! or what? Am I supposed to look him in the eyes and tell him " yeah me and her got our jollies off at your expense and instead of feeling guilty, the fact that you where in the other room passed out drunk only increased our pleasure! " How the hell am I supposed to have a normal relationship with my father after that?!!! How am i supposed to dodge the questions he will surely ask. The why and when and where questions. For **** sake having sex in the other room while he was passed out wasn't even the most daring thing we did.

 

Everytime I see my father all I can see is the man I betrayed. When I could hate him it was so much more easy. I didn't care what he was doing or where he was or what he thought. I see my father differently now. He was doing his best. He was a great father before he drank and even upto the point he left the house with us he never once abused me or my brother. He taught me alot. I could gut a deer at 8 or 9 years old. I could fish and hunt and change oil. I could rotate tires and check fluids. he tuaght me the slip knot, the square knot, how to tie off a boat, he walked me through building a deck , how to fight archery and a bunch of other things. He gave me lessons about life I will never truly forget. Hell one of my cousins can't even cast a pole that is a push button pole even though his father was around and available his entire life. That day was one of the days the image of my father changed for me.

 

How did I repay that? He was having a hard time. He was hurting and scared or tired and used alcohol to cope. I hated him for that weakness. He had always been my hero before that but I hated him so quickly. And then I betrayed him.... while he was off working his ass off a good 60 to 70 hours a week easily to pay off our massive beautiful home and nice cars, I was rolling around in HIS bed with HIS wife and insulting him!

 

I have to stop here. I'm working myself up. I'm all keyed up and ready to punch somthing. I don't even really know why I'm so mad. I'm not the victim. He is. Some of you call me my stepmothers victim. I still have trouble seeing myself as a victim..... but my father is MY victim. Short of murdering him I did just about the worst thing you could have done to him.

 

I just can't see me ever telling my father. I really think I'll just have to learn to deal with the guilt.

 

I can't wait to see my therapist. I have been thinking hard about the past and so many things. You guys are nice to unload on but I have to admit my therapists even with just one appointment has filled me with confidence in her.

Edited February 28, 2018 by Adotta

[LivingWaterPlease]

Isn't today the day you'll see your therapist, Adotta? Or is it next week? I've lost track.

 

Do you think it would help to go weekly for a little while rather than just every other week?

 

Adotta, this is a very complex situation that you can't possibly untangle. All that you wrote in the above post is pushing its way into your mind and you are trying to deal with it. But, your perspective on it is lacking so much of that which would contribute to making it what the reality of it actually was.

 

It seems clear to me that you recognize there are elements of this that only a trained and experienced counselor can help you make sense of. I am so glad to read you express such a strong confidence in your counselor.

 

I have heard (ask your counselor about this, though) that when a child is traumatized their development is arrested at the age in which it happens. So that until they work through it and heal from it, they often see life through a lens of a person the age they were when the trauma occurred.

 

So, it seems to me you were traumatized at a very young age by much of what you witnessed with your mother, some of which you've written about. There may be other traumas you experienced, I don't know about that, though.

 

So when you were with your stepmother at whatever age you were, that very possibly it was a much younger part of you that made the decision to do it; the part of you that saw stuff from your mom when you were a little boy and you felt probably scared and as if things were out of control.

 

It seems to me that you were forced into the role of a man as a boy and somehow being with your stepmother was a continuation of that role you began at a much younger age. And your delight in hurting your father was a little boy acting out his rage that his childhood was stolen.

 

That's most likely not exactly the reality of the situation, but it could be something similar. I just don't know because I'm not trained and don't have experience in these things. But, you can be sure that your counselor will help you through this one step at a time.

 

When I read your post on another thread I was struck with your seeming intuition and grasp of emotional concepts that seemed to me to be way out of reach for a man your age. This seems to me to be an indication that you are a complex person which will probably add to the challenge of working through this. But, in other ways, it seems to me your grasp of variables in any given situation will be very helpful as your work your way through this.

 

I believe there will come a time when you'll feel prepared to have a talk with your dad about things. But, you don't seem to me to be nearly ready for it. Give yourself time, Adotta. Your dad is a fine man, I believe. And he has a desire for the two of you to have a good relationship. On some level he probably realizes things in your life were pretty messed up, but all of you have moved on away from that messed up situation. And it seems to me both you and your father have taken steps to move into a healthier life. At some point your paths will converge. It's a journey, Adotta.

 

Anyway, I've probably written too much. I continue to suggest you share posts with your counselor but, of course, it's your decision. I'd hate it if anything I've written adds to the complexity of the situation so if I, or anyone else, is off target it seems it would be good for your counselor to have the opportunity to shoot it down real fast so that a wrong idea doesn't take root in your head! Just my opinion!

[Adotta]

Yes I see my councilor today. I still have to go to bed and wake up and work most of the day but yeah I guess it's today... lol. It's 4.00 am here. And yes I will continue sharing posts with my councilor as well as suggest upping our meeting for a while to once a week. 2 weeks seemed fine at first but it's stressful having questions and things I want to talk with her about but having to wait. She actually offered once a week but I turned it down.

 

I will continue to show her my post. She has the link so she could be reading right now for all I know.....

[road]

him and your stepmom are no more

 

confess to your therapist

 

do not confess to your dad, unloading your burden on to him

for your relief is wrong

[Adotta]

So that happened fast. It's not line work but it's similar. I'll be making multiple times what I'm making now just to start.

 

I got a call from my brother last night. Somone he knew was hiring for cell tower work. I called. 4 hours later I met him and his partner. I start sunday.

 

I'm so Frickin happy! I'll be out of town 5 days a week but heck I need to get out of here!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Congratulations, Adotta!!! Way to go!!!

 

Btw, how did it go with your counselor yesterday?

[Adotta]

Congratulations, Adotta!!! Way to go!!!

 

Btw, how did it go with your counselor yesterday?

 

 

Pretty good. I'm still absorbing it all. She pretty much told me to cool it with new girl. Says I'm not ready just yet. She wants me to see if I think about ex step much. That was a point I disagreed with her on. I actually got a little angry when she wouldn't drop the conversation and move on.

 

**** I just thought about it but I'll have to shift my meetings now because of the new job.

 

She is also digging into memories of living at my mother's as a child. She seemed pretty horrified about some of the things I told her. It kinda made me not want to tell her more , but I did.

 

I completely forgot to update about the councilor and the new girl. This new job has me skipping and jumping around. My cheeks are hurting from smiling!

 

I have to admit I'm probably not going to follow my councilors advice in regards to new girl at all. The breaks on this new relationship may well be broken. We have been seeing eachother alot. I had dinner with her tonight. She was helping me celebrate the new job. Shes not happy I'll be out of town from Monday morning to friday evening but she understands. She knew what I was making working for my grandfather and it's a very big difference. she actually said my weekends now belong to her! Lol. Oh we kissed tonight so I guess the whole dancing around eachother as "friends" is over. we haven't had the boyfriend and girlfriend talk yet but it will happen soon.

Edited March 2, 2018 by Adotta

[LivingWaterPlease]

Your new job opportunity sounds great, Adotta! Also, it's wonderful to read of your enthusiasm for it!

 

Your counselor is wise and she is on your side! I hope you can find time to keep up with going to her, even if you can't go as often due to your new work schedule. The longer you keep her in your life the more history you'll have with her so will always have someone whom you can bounce ideas off of.

 

I also thought of mentioning earlier you may want to hold off on the new gf for now until you have some time away from your other situation to process and heal from it. However, it seemed to me your momentum with her had been building and would most likely continue no matter what I would post.

 

But, your counselor's response was true blue to you and indicates her integrity to encourage you in doing what is for your best, rather than taking the easy route of cheering you on with your new gf. That said, I feel sure she'll be there to support you no matter what decisions you make about your life.

[sandylee1]

Your counsellor takes a very directive approach. Do you know what her modality of counselling is?

 

Whether it's psychoanalysis, integrative or person centred?

 

I have to say I've been really impressed with your posts on other threads.

 

Considering your history, you are keen to help others in turmoil.

[Colin Grant]

but if your brain was a computer, you'd be served well to reformat it and replace it with a new operating system. Pronto.

[Adotta]

but if your brain was a computer, you'd be served well to reformat it and replace it with a new operating system. Pronto.

 

I'm not completely understanding the analogy. My memories are reformatted but what is my operating system? My soul? My morals?

 

When you reformat and use a new operating system you are basicly destroying every last bit of information on the computer. Are you insulting me? I'm not garbage. I've made bad choices but I'm not "reformat" worthy!

Maybe a few updates and Antivirus/malware sweeps, but come on reformat?!

[Noproblem]

Well, it worked for some French guy and now he is the president of France.

 

The woman also cheated on her husband and the guy was actually her daughter's boyfriend.

 

and she is more than 20 years his senior.

 

 

But there is only hope if both of you see eye to eye.

 

 

 

Don't forget that she preyed on you while you were very young so that's not right at all.

So that's is unacceptable.

 

You think that you were the cause of all these problems, while she was the one who didn't teach you right from wrong.

 

She should have told you these feelings are normal as we grew up and sometimes we have odd desire but that not real and she is your mom, but she let you continue with your desire

 

I don't know about her, 15 years difference is not the end of life, not that extremely odd

but you were 15 at the time!

 

So that what's making it sick!

 

She might like you or love you or have a turmoil inside her, we don't know, but at the end of the day,

your relationship is not gonna work as she is

 

the mother of your brother

and a married woman.

 

and your father ex-wife.

 

 

Try to date people and explore life,

 

Go back to school, start at community college and go from there you will get education and you will gain back some of the fun of friendship and meet people that was robbed from you..

 

You are still very young and your life is ahead of you.

 

 

Your mom and dad, and this woman destroyed your past, don't let them destroy your future.

 

 

Also, reconcile with your brother!

 

Also, apologize to the people you bullied, some of them might still suffer inside because of the pain you inflicted on them! no matter how simple a bullying is, it still can break someone confidence and heart!

 

so apologize and start clean.

 

 

Needless to say, you need to stay away from your ex lover. '

Edited March 4, 2018 by Noproblem