I'm back. 6 years on [Don't get too excited]

[Gulf-Delta]

So, for those who don't know here, I went through a particularly hellish breakup. You can check my post history for all the gory details, if you want, but I was laster here in mid 2013.

 

The primary reason I'm here is to give some context and ideas of what happens after breakups, and what time can do for you and how it affects you

 

So, the condensed version of my story is me and this girl fell madly in love in December 2009. Intensely. Hard and fast. She moved in the day we got together, we got engaged 3 months later, we were 20.

 

A couple amazing years go by, and issues start to arise around late 2011. She slowly grew distant and it all hit critical mass on New Year's 2012. She didn't come home that nite. I called probably 100 times, primarily because I was concerned for her safety (she couldn't hold her liquor very well). That possibility that she was ****ing someone behind my back never entered my head.

 

After a month of trying to make things work, she broke it off in January 2012 and we said our final goodbye July 4th the same year. That was the last time I saw her

 

She dropped breadcrumbs along the way, primarily about nostalgia, how season changes reminded her of us. She even emailed me saying she heard the Fleetwood Mac song "Silver Springs" and it reminded her of us (don't listen to that song if the breakup is fresh). Around Christmas that year, she texted me...it was a picture of a note I stuffed in one of her albums when she left, with "thanks". I didn't reply

 

Well, things got ugly for me. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, cried to sleep when I did. I ended up finding a well paying job. I was hit by a drunk driver, but walked away mostly unscathed (minor scar, and some whiplash) and a fat check that I used to buy a house. I now have another job and am now in college getting my degree.

 

My best friend (a girl) is friends with my ex. It was a "sort of" friendship at first,t hey didn't talk much. But I would hear things about my ex through the grapevine.

 

Now, my friend and my ex and very close, they work at the same place doing exercise instructing. As it turns out, and I knew this all along, my ex had/has extreme emotional and mental instability and is currently on a ****-ton of meds for them. I had always suspected she had some sort of "strain" in that beautiful brain of hers...random crying fits, extreme anxiety constantly. But when you love someone, you don't care about those things. Now that she's on meds, it confirms that yes, something was wrong there, and maybe it really WASN'T me that caused the breakup.

 

I see her on social media contantly in pictures and videos posted by my friend. Needless to say, I get a little triggered by them, even after all this time.

 

I sat down with my friends recently and the ex came up in conversation. I learned she's still with the same guy she cheated with...I tried to sort of change the subject. My friend said she understood, this girl broke my heart...and then said "but maybe it's never too late". Such an odd thing to say, in my mind my ex probably completely forgot I existed.

 

She also went on to say that maybe, now that she's more...clear headed and stable because of her meds, that perhaps my ex is feeling guilt over how she treated me all those years ago.

 

 

 

So, why the hell am I here, why am I posting all this??

 

Well, when breakups are fresh, everyone says "they come back", "no contact them", "time heals all wounds". etc

 

And in my experience, that isn't necessarily the case. Yes, I'm in a better place than I once was. But of course, if a person had a true impact on you, they'll always be a part of you. I still have dreams about her, rarely. I sometimes contemplate if I should reach out to her after her new outlook on life. I sometimes think "we were great together back then, with this maturity all these years later, maybe we'd be unstable and stronger". Some days, I don't even know if I hate her, or still love her.

 

The point being, the advice given here is great. It's good to absorb, and take all perspectives into consideration.

 

But at the end of the day, YOUR experience, no matter what it is, is yours. What I learned is, there is no magic solution, or magic answer for how things will go. How you will get over it (or never get over it, in my case) is just going to happen.

 

I heard all of the cliches about dating other people, burn everything from your ex, etc. None of it works for me. I'm currently juggling 3 different ladies right now, and dated some in the past. It's not the same, never will be..

 

The moral of the story is, you just have to ride the waves as they come. Consider all the advice here. But never base your life on it. What applies to others, may not apply to you, your situation or how your heart/brain works and feels about it. Humans are way to dynamic and crazy to prescribe any thing about losing a loved one...

 

That's my advice. If you're having a hard time coping, maybe just do what your gut tells you. If you need to talk to them, do it. If you feel like burning all the mementos they gave you, do it. If you need to call them and beg, do it.

 

The results may not be what you expect in any given situation, but if your brain is telling you to do them, there is probably a reason.

 

I hope what I've said here has, at least, given some people some insight. It's not meant to scare anybody, or bring anyone down. My experience and circumstances are mine and mine alone. The point of me sharing is that your wave is yours. It just is, and you just need to take it as it comes, whatever that entails.

[maybejune]

Sorry to hear that 6 years later you're still suffering. And THANK YOU FOR SHARING. I am at the stage I feel shamed about my very slow improvement, I still cry 5 months after BU, I have lost interest in many things in my life... I shouldn't rush myself and do things out of myself for 'speed recovery'.

 

I have learned a lot about self improvement here, I think that part is very important for me now. And I agree that one should not follow other's path blindly, because we have different personalities and past, and breakups are different. There is no universal rule about how to heal and move on, while going against your own feeling could be the worst strategy -- but it's all over the internet unfortunately.

 

Be kind to ourselves, and be patient to make baby step. Get better.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Gulf-Delta, your post resonates with me. I believe there are many who have that one love, often the first, they feel will never be matched by another.

 

I wonder if it's not more the experience being the first bond that one gave himself/herself to so completely, rather than the person himself/herself, although it feels like and seems to be 100% the person who can never be matched again.

 

If so, then it really makes sense to guard one's heart. To move slowly into any relationship and to test the relationship over a period of time before giving yourself to another person fully emotionally and physically.

 

Live and learn.

[harrybrown]

what did you tell your good friend?

 

Thanks, but no thanks or something else?

 

If she is still with the guy, maybe stay away. too much drama.

 

Hope you find some happiness.

[Gulf-Delta]

Gulf-Delta, your post resonates with me. I believe there are many who have that one love, often the first, they feel will never be matched by another.

 

I wonder if it's not more the experience being the first bond that one gave himself/herself to so completely, rather than the person himself/herself, although it feels like and seems to be 100% the person who can never be matched again.

 

If so, then it really makes sense to guard one's heart. To move slowly into any relationship and to test the relationship over a period of time before giving yourself to another person fully emotionally and physically.

 

Live and learn.

 

It's not a matter of guarding my heart exactly. It's just that other women don't make me feel how she did.

 

When I was with my ex, everything was...straight, calm, peaceful. I've never felt that since

 

I don't actively try to compare other women to here, but I know how how she made me feel, and I know how women I date now make me feel. Sexual attraction, but not much else beyond that.

[Gulf-Delta]

what did you tell your good friend?

 

Thanks, but no thanks or something else?

 

If she is still with the guy, maybe stay away. too much drama.

 

Hope you find some happiness.

 

I didn't say much else. She said maybe my ex felt regret or remorse about what she did

 

I just looked away and said "yeah maybe" and just kind of dropped it. I don't like harping on that stuff with my friends. They were there during the breakup, they know all the insane things my ex did (such as being broken up but still sleeping in my bed, changing in front of me, stuff like that), but I don't like to bring them down with that stuff these days. It's been too long...this female friend of mine typically doesn't have a lot of female friends...I wouldn't want my negativity to rub off on their friendship and break it. I told my friend at the beginning, she doesn't have to make a choice about who she can be friends with.

 

My friend also told me I dodged a bullet, but I don't feel that's true. While my ex may not be the most stable girl, I guess....well, you love someone through sickness and health, right? That's what love is.

Edited February 8, 2018 by Gulf-Delta