Met a great new guy and I cant stop crying.

[smile]

So I hung out with this great guy tonight. We had so much in common and taked and laughed. He was definitely into me and he made a buncha excuses to touch me.. not in a dirty way but a kinda sweet way. He offered to help me move this weekend and even said he would call me later. I am sure he will bc he has been trying to hang out with me for a few weeks now.

 

But he left and I just started to cry. He isnt my ex and all I can do now is cry. I am not even sure why I am crying. This is definitely a better situation than the roller coaster I have ridden with my ex this last year. But I just feel so incredibly sad.

 

Does this mean I am incapable of feeling things for good guys ever? Does this mean I am incapable, or not ready to move on? Or am I sad bc this is it. My moving on is the end of this?

 

I am confused and have no idea how I feel about this guy. I think I like him but I dont want to hurt him. I dont want to get hurt. I dont know how not to lead him on and not blow him off at the same time. I just dont know what I want right now and I feel like such a jerk.

 

Help. Does anyone understand? Has anyone been here? Will it get better and how do I help it along?

[Barby]

Honestly I don't think that you're "incapable" of feeling something for good guys...just because you didn't "fall for him" right away doesn't mean over time that your feelings for your ex won't subside and with time you can fall in love with someone else.

 

 

Don't worry, I think that most of us have been here....when you end a long relationship with someone.....no matter how bad or good it may have been; it will take time, work, and self convincing that you're moving on.

 

 

I personally (well sort of) having a similar dilema only I KNOW I need to get over feelings for the man I'm seeing, I LOVE him very much and am very much in love....I have him but even though we ARE together and he loves me and I love him....it just can't "be" so I tried to move on...end it with him and get back with someone I was seriously in love with before who was (and has become) everything I could ever want/dream of in a life partner and husband. BUT I ended it with this other guy (the good guy) and my feelings for this other man (who I got back with and will continue to see and be with even though it's a relationship that can't (even if it is happening) it can't "be" for various reasons.

 

I wish I could tell you that there is something magical that you can "do" to make it easier/quicker....but honestly I don't think there is. I mean I do believe what I stated above whole-heartedly BUT it isn't easy obviously. You can't substitute one "connection" you had with one person for a slight connection you have with another....no two people will ever make you feel exactly the same. (intensity of love, happiness, ect, ect)

[sburtug03]

You are not crying because of this guy but what he represents. It seems like your emotions and heartache formed through your ex and the breaking up of the relationship are finally comming out. This is due to the reminder of what the two of you had and shared. You may have been bottling the split up inside and not realising it, even if you did have a certain grieving period.

With the introduction of a new guy you are feeling something towards, this has intiated the emotions you thought you had left behind. I am not saying that you still love your ex (which you might) but that these tears may have been brought on by the prospect of having what you had, with someone else, or the lack of this in your life at present.

Just as you needed a greiving period when the two of you ended the relationship, it seems as though you are having one again. And just as the greiving period ended, so too will this one. Don't worry its healthy, its about moving on. Wishing you all the best at this time and for the future, Samantha x

[sadfish]

The same thing happened to me last week...i had a nice date with a nice guy, but the moment he left, waterworks--then the guilt, then the "why me"s, then the i'm not ready for anyone else, i don't want anyone else, i want him back...blahblahblah. I thought i was ready after 6 weeks to move on, but i'm not.

 

And i know i don't have to be, that's the best part.

 

It's very confusing cos i think it's because we "know" that we can and probably will care about someone else, we just don't want to for fear of forgetting them or the memories---replacing them. I know that's how i feel. I don't want anyone else, but i also know that i can't have him back. Not now, maybe not ever. And i'm scared to death of moving on and being happier or being even more hurt, but if we want love, sadly that's what we have to do. I can't stand the thought of him with someone else, either, but i can't do anything about that but FEEL it.

 

Break ups suck, period, but we will survive and where we are now is exactly where we ARE to be...reasons might be unknown, but it's all part of the ultimate plan of life...

[dr strangelove]

Ok smile well sometimes I think you should be back with your guy and just laugh at him when he gets weird.

 

Is he a pisces by any chance?

 

I been trying to move on as well. I had this girl down the street I was doing painting for, I thought something might happen there. But in reality she wasnt really what I wanted. I mean I tried to work around that but she didnt seem that interested me really unless I was going off the deep end.

 

Sometime it seems like Im revisiting people I wondered about having a chance with.

It usually ends up with me just missing my ex. Maybe I can see why she is angry at me when we have talked, maybe she hates that she has to be with someone else instead of me. I know I do.

Its not just about my feelings, its about comfort, its about someone to do things with that I want to do, etc...

 

I met someone yesterday and she is much younger she is very interested in me. I wish I felt the same. It made me really sad. I been torn up about it all day. I wish to forget about romance for a while, everything has been left behind.

 

Id just like to focus on other things, but because of the type of person I am im crippled by these feelings.

[smile]

The new guy called me again today. He also left me a msg on myspace. About how much fun he had and how he enjoyed hanging out with me.

 

I just feel so weird about it all. I have been told that I am doing a good thing by being honest with myself. And that I shouldnt feel bad for not being ready... my ex was my best friend and lover for over 4 yrs .. someone I expected to spend the rest of my life with. Its hard to let that go.

 

As far as you saying I should be with my ex and laugh at his weirdness... if only I could. If we were together I would take so much less seriously. But that isnt what he wants. And I think this is best.

 

I just dont know about the calling and the txts from the ex. Havent had any in two weeks but it is usually about 2 - 3 weeks between his attempts. But maybe this last one was it. And that sucks that I even think about that. I cant talk to him when he calls bc I know its just more of the same.. but I cant stop wishing he would call and maybe realize he misses me.

 

I dont know. Its tough and I dont want to hurt anyone. This new guy wants to hang out with me and instead of making me feel good , it makes me feel guilty. Because I have no idea what I can be. I dont know what I can give or what I can take. But I know I dont want to be alone.

 

I just dont know what to do about this guy. He is sweet but I just cant be anything for anyone right now. I know that sounds so bs but I am too confused to even know what I want from one minute to the next. How do you explain that without sounding like you are blowing someone off?

 

aaaarrrggghhh. strangelove the ex is a taurus.

[NewLee40]

Hey Dr. Strangelove, why did you ask if her ex was a pisces? Mine was....and he sounds like hers.

 

Threadjack over...

 

Smile, I know exactly what you are going through. I was only on the roller coaster with my ex for a year, so I can only imagine what surviving 4 years of that must have been like. I, too, considered him my best friend.

 

After about a month of no contact, and grieving more deeply than I ever thought possible, I happened to meet a new guy. He seemed nice, we had more in common than me and my ex, seems to be refreshingly honest (a big deal for me), etc... In fact, he was even better looking! We met eachother on a Saturday night and ended up seeing eachother again that Sunday afternoon. He was very affectionate and when he kissed me goodbye, I nearly bawled. I did bawl when I got home. I said the same exact thing.... He's not him.... I can't feel it. He doesn't kiss like him, smell like him, feel like him. It was quite jarring.

 

So, like you, I figured it would be best if I didn't lead him on in any way. So, I didn't call him back. He eventually called me, and we've talked back and forth.

 

Well, this week, I stupidly broke the no contact barrier with my ex and he asked me to come back to him. But, less than 48 hours later, he was back to "not ready." Ordinarily, this would have sent me right back to the ledge, but I've done amazingly well so far.

 

So, I decided to meet the new guy last night for a beer and watching the football game. We had a nice time, and I was very comfortable around him. No, he's not my ex....but at this point, I'm really starting to see what my ex was all about and I'm thankful he's not. You'll get to that point as well.

 

Then, when new guy kissed me goodnight again last night, there was actually a little spark, no tears, and no comparisons. It happened just like that.

 

I still don't know what is going to happen with this guy or if he will turn out to be all that he seems to be at the moment. But, I've been honest with him about where I'm at, so he knows what he's getting into with me. I'm at least going to give it some time to grow.

 

Give the dude a chance if you like him and just be honest. Spending time with a man who will treat you well after being hurt so badly is healing and will help you move on. You can't lead him on as long as you are honest about where you are at. Let him decide whether its worth the risk. He's a big boy.

[smile]

I think this is comming on the cusp of so much that is changing. By this time next week my ex won't know where I live, he won't know my phone number, won't know my new car, won't know my new email address. It's like I am finally seeing that it's over. And it hurts like hell.

 

I dream about my ex, and every dumb thing reminds me of him. I guess this is the acceptance part of the greiving process and its so freaking hard. Especially since I still care about him so much, I love the damn guy.

 

I hear what youre saying about the best qualities being that he isnt my bf , but I seriously dont feel ready for that. I dont think this is the guy to make me feel that either. And I guess I feel bad bc I want the attention and the feeling of being attractive but I won't use him to get it.

 

I still can't imagine the rest of my life without him in it, but I also can't imagine what I would say if I did answer the phone when he calls. Our relationship was 3 and a half years of him being under the influence of nothing but alcohol... and then he takes some mushrooms and decided I am the anti-christ. I guess I am just hoping for an other epiphany to occur when he is sober and not on the road. When real life appears again and this band rock n roll lifestyle gets old again... but who knows if that will ever happen.

 

I have been told that I have to accept that my exbf may never come back, as far as who he was and what he stood for. And if I want a relationship down the road with this guy (friendship or otherwise) I needed to accept that he had become someone else. But thats BS bc whenever we did spend time together this last year he was there... buried deep and afraid to come out sometimes, but he was there. So whatever

 

I cant fix his problems , he needs to do that on his own. I hope this is just the darkest before the dawn part and soon my life will make sense again. With or without him. But right now this is where I am and I have nothing to give anyone. I just need friends and I shouldnt rush the whole boy thing, I thought it would speed up the getting over process but clearly it just adds a new dimension.

 

I just miss him so much. I need time and support.. so thanks everyone for sharing your stories and your opinions. It means a lot to know that I am not alone in this. It happens and its hard. And terribly painful.

[dr strangelove]

New lee : Im a pisces. I have this get together break up thing that I do. partly because of me, partly because the girl has idiosyncaies(ap) I cant deal with.

 

Smile : You know my ex did the same thing as you. Moved, changed her number, changed her work. However she kept me on her msn and kept her old email.

And it was her not me the reestablished contact. Then whenever she has called me her number is blocked.. someone once said why dont you ask for her number..

I read about your ex and his problems, I guess I have problems too, but damn it so did she. I tried to help her, I guess at times I felt that wearing me down. She didnt take my hours of availability into account I felt she undermined the bussiness at times. Then when she went away I lost all interest in the biz. Seemed she kind of was concerned about a few times we last talked..

I even talked to some psychic yesterday, my friend talked me into it. LOL she wanted to know what they would say about her if someone else asked.. So I asked about me and then about my friend. Funny the psychic said Id have more chance with the ex, then this new girl .... I guess we shall see. Maybe I am here to serve another purpose for this girl I dunno.

 

 

Im hanging out with the new girl again, today.

I was thinking maybe I could really get to like her, then I was thinking this is kinda fast.

I guess we shall see how it goes. She isnt sure where it will go either.... In fact she told me today that she has written me a goodbye letter, for when she has to say goodbye. That kind of made me laugh and a little sad. I told her I was worried about getting involved with her and then my ex coming back.

 

Meanwhile not much going on with the shop, not open yet. Thats begining to bother me more then the romantic part of my life, which means im about to snap out of it soon.

[smile]

I am having such a tough time right now. I have never wanted to contact my ex more than I want to right now. I even unblocked him tonight on AIM for a few seconds... but he wasnt signed on so I put him back on block.

 

It feels just like we broke up yesterday. Today it was 2 weeks since he txted me, 3 weeks and five days since we have talked and 6 weeks and a day since we have seen eachother. I just miss him, everything about him, even the stuff that used to bug me.

 

I want to call and tell him I love him. I want to txt him and say I miss him. I just want to say hi. But thats a bad idea right? How long can this go on before we are back in touch or before I get over this? It just feels so so so bad.

 

Even more sad than when we broke up, if that makes sense. I am not angry or anything I am just sad. I miss him so much. There is just this huge hole in my life. And of course I wonder if he feels the same, but I guess if he did he wouldnt have broken up with me right?

 

What does it mean that its so hard to let go? Does it mean I am obsessive? Does it mean he was the one? Does it mean I wont ever be able to move on?

 

I am just really sad and missing him right now. How do you stop loving somebody?

[upsetnhurt]

Smile,

 

Are you sure its love at this point or the sadness over the lack of the companionship you once had. I very much know the feelings you are going through cause I am feeling the same yet we both need to step back and realize that they broke up with us for a reason. They are not contacting us for a reason Smile, and that reason is that they at this point don't care about us as much as we care about them. That point alone should anger us and encourage us to get our lives together for us and only us. It is easier to say yet we have no choice basically. So let's get on it! Calling him will just revert you back to day one.........and life is too important to waste at this point. It didn't work for a reason and that reason is that the ex's are not willing to give the effort needed to make the relationship work........

[smile]

I do know what you are saying and to a point I agree. But then there is the fact that I know its love. And I am not willing to let pride make me think its just me missing a warm body/friend. I love him and that is why it hurts. My heart is broken.

 

He actually was conacting me, and the reason he stopped is because I won't answer. From the minute he broke up with me he said he never wanted me to go away. I did the best I could but i just have nothing to say to him. Nothing that he wants to hear anyway.

 

I think we both need time apart. And maybe that will change something and maybe it won't but I need time for me. This is the healing / grieving process I didnt go through before, bc he was around and we were together (kinda). Now I need to let this hurt, and be honest about what it is.

 

I am not ready to move on with my life as far as boys are concerned. I know if I did I would just be hurting both of us. In all honesty it was 4 yrs that we were together and its been less than 2 months that we have been apart. It feels like forever but I know it hasn't been a long enough time to fully heal. I know that bc I feel that.

 

I am not going to call him, I just want to. I was actually relieved last night that he wasnt on AIM. But I do miss him , yes and the companionship but I love him.

 

I am past anger or whatever that is , and I dont want that to fuel my moving on. That leads to spite and I cant feel that for him, for whatever reason I just cant . I am just sad and accepting and that is truly painful and very confusing.

 

I dont feel like I am wasting my life. I am going out and having fun, but not having him to call and tell him about it, not having him to come home to afterwards, thats where the sadness comes in. I lost my best friend and my lover at the same time. I dont know how long it takes to get over that.

 

Youre right about the relationship not working bc the ex wasnt willing to work on it. And to a degree it pisses me off, but that was his choice and its over , so what good does getting mad about it do? Just leads to anger and stuff I dont want to be a part of. Not anymore.

[upsetnhurt]

Smile,

 

You made some great points in your post and I am in no way telling you to expedite your healing process. Just realize that you have so much love to offer and eventually will find the right guy to share that love with. Timing is everything in life and your time will come........May I ask what it was that you loved about him? Why the breakup? Who ended it? How old are both of you?

[smile]

What did I love about him? i think when you are in love with a person so long that is a hard question to answer. I could say everything but that says nothing, I could say specifics but that leaves out so much.

 

I love the way his eyes wrinkled up when he smiles. I love the way he had musical talent but absolutely no rhythm when it came to dancing. I love the fact that we could talk for hours about movies and politics, anything really. He was gentle, and sweet, sincere and sensitive. He was like a big kid. I love that our vacations were all about theme parks and museums. I love that he had the same goofy learning is fun attitude, and wanted to know so much about everything. I love the way that he never cared about what other ppl thought as far as what he wore or what he said... but he was never cruel.

 

I love his family and I love that he loved mine. I love how funny he is. I love how much fun he is. Man I could go on but I think you get the picture.

 

Why the breakup ? Ahh thats a long one but here it goes: I was going through some tough issues involving my dad and he had some unresolved issues involving his parents relationship. I had this fear of abandonment thing going on that was just due to timing really, we met after I had gone through 8 months of staying home with my dad as he recovered from a stroke and cancer. He is ok now.

 

Anyway his issues were that his mom had manic depression and when he was a kid all he remembered was his dad yelling and his mom crying. So when I cried he would freak out. Bc it was about nothing really and he didnt know how to handle it.

 

So anyway he went on tour and we were at a weird place for a while, sort of a bunch of built up animosity, and right before he left we had kinda gotten back on track. It felt to me like we were gonna make it. Like we had passed that hurdle and were onto forever kinda thing.

 

When he was gone I went to therapy bc he had asked me to, but I kept it a secret, kinda a surprise when he came back. But he took some mushrooms and decided I was the anti christ. Ever since then he has had this attitude of "you are the best thing that ever happened , you are my best friend, I am not over you and I have never loved anyone the way I love you but it wont work between us, ever" . I suggested we go to counseling together and he admits that mightve worked but he said its too late now.

 

Somedays he would bring up when we were together stuff and like reminisce. Sometimes he would say "I cant be what you want right now" and soemtiems he would say "we just dont work". Somedays I would get "I am just not ready to be with anyone, my head is so messed up" and somedays I would get "you deserve somebody better"

 

But when I finally eneded the year of not being committed but everyone thinks we are together but you dont want to be committed bs, he said "I have never felt this spark with anyone but you and you make me feel free to be more myself than I have ever been with anyone" and "you deserve someone who won't make you cry".

 

But even through that he calls and txts as if nothing has happened. As if nothing is wrong. Just says "hi whats up? " sometimes even "where are you? " even tho I told him I coudnt talk anymore. Ok so I am 28 and he is 27.

 

And thats that . *sigh*

[smile]

Ok so now weird things are happening on my home phone. My ex isnt the type to do prank phone calls but the other night I got a call and they asked for me by name. Then they said it was My ex's name (very common name we will say Bob for now) and that he was calling about a stripper I needed for sat night. Funny bc my sister was having her bachelorette party that night. But it was 10 pm and obv a prank call.

 

But today I just got an other call. The guy was all "who is this" and i said "who did you call?" and he asked for me by name again. But when I asked who it was I heard a bunch of guys saying "say its robert, or frank" and so I guess it wasnt my ex who called the other night... but I mean really what a freaking coincodence.

 

Do you think he could be having his friends do this? Its not like him but nothing has been like him lately. And how do these ppl know my name? I am getting rid of this number on thurs so I am not freaking too bad. Its just weird timing and coincodence. He knows I dotn have caller ID on my reg phone.. so is he doing this bc I wont asnwer his calls?

 

Ack this is weird.