foreverdancer Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 I feel like I'm becoming depressed because my life is controlled by my need to be perfect at everything. The only good things I have are looks and brains, but I'm not even THAT beautiful or brilliant. My "deficiencies" cause me so much stress and anxiety every day. These are my family's lack of money (and a diminished pedigree because of "marrying down") and me having no sport or talent. I always wanted to do a lot of stuff as a kid but because of my family's poverty I went to a crappy school with few sports I wasn't interested in joining. I was hesitant to ask my parents to enroll me in sports outside school because we didn't have money. I'm now 22 years old and it's already too late for me to master any sport. Singing or dancing is also out of the question since I have no natural skill in either. The only thing left for me is to make money. But even if I become rich and thus have three positive things, it still wouldn't be complete. People would still make fun of me for being "only a pretty girl", "only a smart girl", "only a rich girl". I'm so sick of hearing people say that. Link to post Share on other sites
gone_girl Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 Perfection and others' opinion of you can be a pretty good excuse for not pursuing anything you value in your life. You aren't dead yet and you deserve to do things that make you happy! You take up sports for your pleasure if it's what you miss from your life. Give yourself a break and don't worry about failure (except maybe failing to have a good time). Talent is 20% natural and 80% effort. The people you describe, the critical ones, probably have the same fear so they spend their time judging instead of doing. Don't become like them. x Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 I get it & suffer from the same problem. If I couldn't be the best I didn't want to try & even at middle age, despite all the wonderful things in my life I feel like a failure because I'm not The Best. You have to find a way to let go. In my mid 30s I was finally able to play sports for fun without the idea that I had to be a world class athlete. It turn out that just being out there & doing stuff was enjoyable. My therapist had me start a gratitude list. Every day I have to wake up & write down 3 things I'm grateful for. They can be trivial -- like my warm toasty flannel sheets make the list a lot or profound. I have to make a different list at night before bed. That helped me see all the good things even when things aren't perfect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 Perfection is good, you have to master when absolute perfection is too much. I think most of that comes with age and experience so give yourself a break for a while.. BTW.. starting sports later in life can be done.. Here are 2 examples: Ed Earle started kayaking at age 40 and became one of the top competitive kayakers in the world. Fauja Singh started marathon running at age 84 and has broken many records for his age groups and was still running in marathons at 1oo years old. He retired from competitive running at age 101 It's never too late to start doing something you enjoy. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 (edited) Simply put, your life will be what you make of it. At the end of the day, it matters not whether your parents were wealthy, whether you played sports as a child, or whether you have the talent to be a successful singer. To me, success in life is having a purpose and working to acheive your dreams, contributing in some meaningful way to this world, having experiences and sharing them with others, and being grateful for everything! Those are things that YOU create. Not your parents. And they will certainly not be handed to you... Life owes you nothing. You can continue to focus on your perceived "deficiencies" and have a pity party for all the things that you didn't/don't have in your life. But understand this, you are wasting your time. You will never find happiness if you continue to focus on what you think you don't have or how you feel you are "deficient." I would suggest to you that it would be a better use of your time to think about how you can contribute to this world - what can you do for others that would bring you joy? I would also suggest that you start a gratitude journal and write three things everyday for which you are grateful. When you shift your focus from the what you feel you do not have to gratitude, your world will change. You are 22 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you! What you will accomplish and the happiness that you find in your life will be a result of the decisions YOU make for your life. If you want to play a sport, learn a sport. Stop worrying about what others think or what they will say. This is YOUR life! Work to create the life that you want. Good luck! Edited February 10, 2018 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 Why on earth can you not play sports, sing, or dance at 22? Gosh, if you hadn't stated your age I would've sworn you were talking like you were 82 - except some 82 year olds STILL sing, dance, and play sports! If you believe that nothing in life is ever worth doing unless you're going to be the Olympics gold medalist in it within the next year, perhaps it may be worth reexamining your outlook on life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 I remember you from this post back here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/627106-i-hate-my-parents-having-lot-kids Your struggles are due to your ongoing sense of entitlement. Most of us don't get life handed to us on a platter, and there's no reason you should be any different. Go back and start counting your blessings. Remember that you already have advantages which many do not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 I remember you from this post back here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/627106-i-hate-my-parents-having-lot-kids Your struggles are due to your ongoing sense of entitlement. Most of us don't get life handed to us on a platter, and there's no reason you should be any different. Go back and start counting your blessings. Remember that you already have advantages which many do not. Interesting. Because, the thing that I wanted to say in my post was - I feel like your difficulties have nothing to do with perfectionism, and everything to do with a sense of entitlement and expectation. Indeed, my friend. Be grateful, you may not have everything you think you want or need, but you do have many advantages that many do not. Perhaps someday, you will come to understand and appreciate that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 Sure, you didn't get to do sport. But you have a loving family who's raised you as a highly literate person and who are supporting you through law school. I don't think you have any idea how lucky you are. You are right that that your need to be perfect does indeed cripple you. It's good that you've established that the fault here lays entirely with you. Now, what steps are you taking to counter that feeling and bring yourself back to reality? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 I remember you from this post back here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/627106-i-hate-my-parents-having-lot-kids Your struggles are due to your ongoing sense of entitlement. Most of us don't get life handed to us on a platter, and there's no reason you should be any different. Go back and start counting your blessings. Remember that you already have advantages which many do not. I recognized you as being the person who wrote the post basil67 cited as soon as I read your OP, without going to check on it. Interesting. Because, the thing that I wanted to say in my post was - I feel like your difficulties have nothing to do with perfectionism, and everything to do with a sense of entitlement and expectation. Indeed, my friend. Be grateful, you may not have everything you think you want or need, but you do have many advantages that many do not. Perhaps someday, you will come to understand and appreciate that. I have to agree that entitlement, not perfection, is your issue. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 If you're on Twitter (or maybe Facebook, not sure) search for Psychology Today. Within the last 3 weeks, they posted an article or two on this subject. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 I'm now 22 years old and it's already too late for me to master any sport. Singing or dancing is also out of the question since I have no natural skill in either. The only thing left for me is to make money. But even if I become rich and thus have three positive things, it still wouldn't be complete. People would still make fun of me for being "only a pretty girl", "only a smart girl", "only a rich girl". I'm so sick of hearing people say that. “Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.” ― Henry Ford 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 “Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.” ― Henry Ford That's a great quote. So very true... Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 I remember you from this post back here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/627106-i-hate-my-parents-having-lot-kids Your struggles are due to your ongoing sense of entitlement. Most of us don't get life handed to us on a platter, and there's no reason you should be any different. Go back and start counting your blessings. Remember that you already have advantages which many do not. Wow, I completely forgot about that thread. It's pretty hilarious (or sad, whichever way you look at it) how the OP keeps complaining about her parents' "lack of money" when they are paying for law school for her! You guys are indeed right that this is not about perfectionism, but about entitlement. I have many, many, many friends who only wish that their parents were so "poor" that they could get a free ticket to law school... Link to post Share on other sites
KimmyO Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 I am so sorry you are hurting, many times we think those who look beautiful must be happy. You are much more than just your external or the money you can make, or intelligence. You are spirit and soul, you are loved, you are significant in the grand order. Have you though of doing any fun art classes without any stressful expectations or long term goal? I am doing the paint party class now and then and you realize doing this just how fun it is and that you can do just as well if not better than many without trying hard. Just go for the fun of it and expect it to not be good, then you find you are pleasantly surprised. I love doing them and am learning more skills at it then I give them to family who love them. Also, try writing poetry, it stretches and changes your thinking, or short stories. Do things that work your soul muscles. =) Also, get out in nature, touching the earth for a while to ground you again and take magnesium and ginsing to calm your body, mind and soul. They get rid of the sticky negative stresses and thoughts. Take time out to meditate and pray, reading proverbs or psalms that speak to your soul. <3 Link to post Share on other sites
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